Tag Archives: Satire

Russian Defense Ministry Worried About Positive Image

 

MOSCOW- Recent photographs showing Russian soldiers assisting Kurdish fighters of the leftist “People’s Protection Units” in Northern Syria have become a cause for concern among the Russian military’s top brass. According to a source in the Russian Ministry of Defense, publicity surrounding the photos might reflect positively on the Russian armed forces, which have worked hard to cultivate an image of pure, unadulterated evil since 2014.

The concern over the threat of positive connotations may explain Moscow’s official denials of involvement. Speaking at a press briefing the day after the photos emerged on social media, Kremlin Spokesman Dmitry Peskov insisted that Russia is not involved in helping the Kurds in the North Syrian Confederation.

“All this talk of the Russian military doing something positive or morally correct is nothing but nonsense from the typical sources,” Peskov told journalists.

“I can assure all of you that Russia and its Armed Forces are working their absolute hardest to fulfill their duty of spreading misery to the fullest extent of our reach,” he added.

State media has also hit back at the allegations, calling them “hypocritical,” pointing out that US forces are assisting the same Kurds, and listing numerous historical examples of when the United States’ armed forces acted as a force for good. Sunday news presenter Dmitry Kiselyov reminded his viewers that the US military had been instrumental in such positive historical developments as the abolition of slavery and the destruction of Nazi Germany. He too denied that Russia was deliberately helping the Kurdish movement, insisting that Russia would never support a democratic movement favoring local autonomy, self-administration, and radical women’s rights.

“It’s absurd,” Kiselyov told his viewers.

“Why would we, a nation with a highly centralized authoritarian bureaucracy bolstered by a fascist-inspired imperialist ideology want anything to do with these so-called ‘democratic confederalists,’ who insist that women are something other than breeding stock, entertainment, and a means for obtaining kompromat?”

Despite official denials, sources within the Ministry of Defense say that the command is taking the issue of its image very seriously and is looking for ways to compensate for its potential improvement.

“They’re frantically searching for ways to offset the potential improvement of their reputation,” said Gennady Borisov, a retired Soviet/Russian General who now works for a Moscow-based think tank dedicated to security issues.

“Any potentially positive action on the part of the Russian armed forces is a serious black mark on their image, so all options are on the table- stepping up the shelling of civilians in Ukraine, bombing hospitals in Syria- these are just two examples.”

Borisov said that the Ministry of Defense may even decide to take even stronger, proactive measures such as dropping napalm on a maternity ward in a relatively peaceful area of Syria or releasing a video of Russian soldiers crushing newborn kittens.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures, as they say. It might sound revolting, but it’s nowhere near as bad as having people all over the globe think that our armed forces were involved in something positive.”

Russian Aircraft Carrier Suspected in Robbery

MALAGA- Spanish law enforcement authorities suspect that the Russian aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov may have been involved in the armed robbery of a supermarket in Costa Del Sol.

Investigators have submitted a request to inspect the Russian naval vessel to the Russian Foreign Ministry and Ministry of Defense, according to the National Police Corps’ press office.

“Based on eyewitness statements and security camera footage from the store, we have decided to pursue the Admiral Kuznetsov as a per- ship of interest in the robbery case,” said Alejandro Ramirez, the lead investigator on the case.

Spanish authorities noted that the aging aircraft carrier, which passed by Spain during its voyage back to Russia after completing its military mission in the eastern Mediterranean, had already been implicated in another incident in Madrid one week earlier.


READ MORE- Russian Aircraft Carrier Kills 4 Pandas on its Way Home


On the night of 18 January, cashier Pilar Espinoza noticed that her small supermarket was rapidly filling with smoke. At first she suspected a fire, but seconds later one of the shop’s walls collapsed entirely and she heard a loud, booming voice demand all the money in the register.

“I couldn’t get a good look at him, or it, because of all the smoke, of course,” Espinoza told a local news outlet.

“I just threw the money in the direction of the voice, and when the smoke cleared I saw this giant trench running from the store back in the direction of the beach. It was like some giant monster just dragged itself out of the sea.”

Meanwhile, Moscow has refused to even consider the Spanish request, denying any connection between the robbery and the Admiral Kuznetsov.

“It’s simply absurd- no foreigners will be allowed to inspect one of our naval vessels after making such baseless accusations,” Russian Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman Maria Zakharova wrote on her personal Facebook page.

Russia’s Ministry of Defense also slammed the request, dismissing claims that the aircraft carrier had been involved with any mishaps while at sea.

“Preposterous. The Admiral Kuznetsov had nothing to do with this incident,” said Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu.

“I have been reliably informed that the carrier successfully completed its mission in the Mediterranean and has definitely not become self-aware nor malevolent. I am saying this entirely of my own volition.”

It is expected that Spanish authorities may appeal to Angela Merkel to present their case to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

 

Russian Aircraft Carrier Kills 4 Pandas on its Way Home

MADRID- The Russian aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov killed four giant pandas at the Zoo Aquarium de Madrid on Monday.

Officials from the park confirmed that male panda Bing Xing and female panda Hua Zui Ba were inexplicably crushed to death by the Russian carrier, which was returning to its home port after combat operations in the eastern Mediterranean Sea.

The pair’s two cubs, Po and De De, died by smoke inhalation from the aircraft carrier’s exhaust.

deadpanda

Zoo employees pay their final respects to De De, one of the four pandas who died on Monday.

The zoo’s press service declined to give further comment on the matter, citing that they were “reeling from the shock” of an aircraft carrier somehow managing to sail through Madrid.

The Russian Ministry of Defense made a number of comments regarding the incident, including “the pandas were acting in a threatening manner,” and “you never had any pandas.

The Ministry of Defense spokesman summed up his response by stating that Spain “had no right to lecture Russia regarding the death of the pandas, insofar as it devastated the population of the Americas from 1492 onward.”

The captain of the Admiral Kuznetsov suggested the accident might have been caused by a faulty arresting gear.

“We’ve had repeated problems with that arresting gear,” said Captain Sergei Artamonov, the ship’s commanding officer. “I’m not saying any pandas were killed, but if they were, it was probably that.”

The Russian aircraft carrier and its attending ships resumed course back to their home port after the unscheduled detour through central Spain.