Tag Archives: Russian brides

Matchmaker!

When I started this blog, it was not initially intended to be very political. It was about shattering myths about Russia, and some of those myths were cultural ones. I decided from the beginning that unlike so many examples of expat literature, this blog would not contain any lengthy posts about Russian women. Everything I have to say about the stereotypes regarding Russian women is more or less encapsulated in my landmark post, entitled “The Loser Carousel.”

Now one thing about the Loser Carousel is that sometimes it can be hard to reason with guys who are on it, or guys who are watching it and think it seems like a fun ride. The hard part is getting concrete examples of these guys in action  to show them what’s wrong with their thinking and more importantly, demonstrate how painfully identical these dorks sound. Thankfully, a friend of a friend posted a message she received from a perfect specimen and gave me permission to use it. What follows is his message:

Hi, you wouldn’t happen to know a nice pretty russian girl who want to come to america would you? See, it’s not I don’t like American girls or that I am some creepy guy, but generally speaking American women seem to be lacking in many things. Mostly manners. They are not lacking in a grandiose feeling of self entitlement. I mean they can stay drunk for 4 years of college, and all the Greek lifestyle that goes with it. But still think they should have a Dr. or nurse when they can’t even read. I mean, I assume they don’t read or have a very hard time with it due to the amount of time it takes them to respond to a message. Either they can not read it, or they are sounding out the letters. It Surely can not be they are all just lacking manners.

Having said that, may I ask you a question? Well, I have to preface it first. People sometimes look at me like I am nutso for saying I think I may just find a Russian woman. Now to the question. Why do so many affluent men and actors have Eastern European and Russian women as spouses? Clearly if they are “whores” as people like to ‘joke’ about then….well, that doesn’t make sense. There are plenty of pretty whores here. So what quality do the women from Eastern block countries have that women here lack? Or, if you yourself think they are “whores”. What makes them better whore? lol

Now while I’m guessing the original recipient of this message wasn’t able to help our poor Romeo here, this message is most welcome for me. You see, for quite some time my wife has been trying to play matchmaker for this girlfriend of hers, henceforth known as “S-“. We haven’t had much luck in this field, but it looks like we might have found a break here.

Now I just have to practice delivering my pitch to S- and anticipate what questions she might have. I think it will go will go something like this.

Hello S-, I know that it’s usually my wife trying to hook you up with eligible bachelors- well, my friends that is. But you also know that this hasn’t been working out as they are always either engaged, in a relationship, or leaving the country soon. Well now I’ve got good news for you because as it turns out, there’s this guy in America who is looking for a “pretty Russian girl.” As you know, both my wife and I find you very attractive, so much so that I think we both felt very hopeful after hearing that Chechnya’s leader and deputy Mizulina both endorsed the legalization of polygamy in Russia (Topical humor! Relax, we’re all close friends here!) I kid! I’m joking! When you look at me all angry like that it means it’s a joke!  But getting down to business, let’s talk about this fine young gentleman.

As he says, he’s looking for a pretty Russian woman. What’s he look like? Well I don’t know. Is he good looking? Again I can’t say for sure, but to be honest I have to wonder because this is a guy who basically admits that he cannot find a woman in his own country, which has a population of nearly 323 million at the moment. Obviously they are not all female and I haven’t crunched all the demographic numbers but I think it’s safe to say that the quantity of available heterosexual women in the United States must be somewhere in the tens of millions. It’s kind of odd to imagine a very attractive man being so unable to find a suitable woman given such numbers, especially when he says that American women are “whores” who are drunk all the time. Whore implies that they are not too picky when it comes to sex partners, but it seems they aren’t choosing him for some reason. In fact, he says that they don’t even respond to his messages online, but he attributes that to American women not being able to read. Weird.

Can you believe this didn't work for him? Me neither!

Can you believe this didn’t work for him? Me neither!

Anyway, he doesn’t seem to be good looking but to be fair, we can’t prove that. What? Yes it does seem kind of creepy that he’d send a message like this to a complete stranger, a woman no less. It would seem that way but the thing is that in the message he said he wasn’t a creepy guy, so I’m sure he’s legit. Yeah, I have to say that like the looks thing, it makes you wonder why he has such problems with American women if he’s good looking and not creepy.

Oh wait! I remember what he said! Yes, apparently the problem is American women. All of them? Yes, all of them, apparently. To be sure, his complaints seemed a bit strange to me, but you have to remember that I haven’t been to America since early 2013, and that was like two weeks. This guy’s been there the whole time. Things change rapidly.

What are his specific complaints? Well it’s really weird, but he says American women lack manners. I know, that sounds kind of weird. I’m not sure what he meant. Yes! You’re right, many Russian women, Russian people in fact, lack manners too, especially in Moscow. But what I’m thinking is that he’s actually saying all American women are like this. Like, every single goddamned one of them, or something. Yeah, I know, it’s shocking.

What does he mean by lacking manners? Well he says that they are perpetually drunk through four years of college, living the “Greek Life.” Oh the “Greek life?” That refers to these things called fraternities and sororities. Women can join sororities. Fraternities, insofar as I understand, are support groups for young men experiencing masculinity issues. From what I’ve read they work through these issues by engaging in controlled homoerotic rituals in a safe environment, or something like that. At least that’s how it seemed to me based on how they’re portrayed in the media and on Wikipedia. Anyway, I found that sorority thing odd because, you know, first of all not all Americans even go to college, so obviously all those women don’t take part in “the Greek life.” Then you’ve got to count all the women who do go to college but never join sororities, often because they have no desire to.  It’s also kind of odd how he says nothing about the male part in all these college shenanigans, seeing as how as they say, “it takes two to tango.” It’s almost as if he has some kind of double standard when it comes to male and female behavior, but there I go rambling again.

What’s so bad about all that drinking and partying in college? Well I think he’s trying to say that American women in college get really drunk and have lots of wild sex. With him? Well, I don’t know, but it seems to me like that probably isn’t the case. I mean if he were having all kinds of wild sex in college, you think that after getting out and settling down into the real world some years later, he’d probably find a compatible woman to start a relationship with. Or at least he’d have some kind of stable girlfriend action. I’m sure it’s not his fault though. I mean he said it’s because they lack manners so I’m guessing that what happened, and probably still happens, is that instead of him being rejected by these drunk, impolite, whorish American women, he actually rejects them. In fact he complained about them not being able to read. That suggests that through college he rejected their drunken advances to concentrate on his studies, and now he has problems relating to such women, well all American women according to him, because they don’t share his level of literacy. Strange because I don’t remember hearing about any major drop in female literacy in the US in recent times, but I do miss a lot of news there.

Why yes, S-, it is odd how he’s so upset about that kind of sexual behavior. You’re absolutely right, there are plenty of Russian women who act in the same manner, sometimes even earlier in life, as there are in many other countries as well. I’m not sure why, but for some reason he seems to think the American women are worse in this respect, because he is forced to continually push them away lest he have a drunken whore with no manners as a partner. Alas, I digress. Where were we?

Oh yeah! The problems with American women. One thing he mentioned is that they have a major sense of self-entitlement, which I took to me- Whoa! Calm down, S-! I know, I know, that does seem rich coming from a guy who asks a total stranger to bring him a “pretty Russian girl”, sight unseen. I was struck by that as well. Don’t worry, you’re preaching to the choir here. He does really sound self-entitled, very much so. But then again he sounds creepy and yet he says he’s not, so maybe he just forgot to mention that he’s also not self-entitled.

So what’s he bring to the table, you ask? Well actually I don’t know. It’s really weird how in his whole message he doesn’t seem to give us any information about why a “nice pretty Russian girl” would be interested in him. He doesn’t say anything about his looks, whether he’s in shape or at least makes an effort, whether he’s funny- it doesn’t seem like it from his writing. It’s almost as if he believes he is…entitled…if you will, to the love and affection of an attractive young woman, as opposed to understanding that a sexual relationship is a matter of compromise and each person bringing something to the table.

Wait a second! I think I know what his qualities are! Remember he’s upset at American women because of their lack of manners and drunken behavior, right? So we can infer that he has manners, and values them quite highly. What is more, he condemns American women for drinking and not being able to read. Thus we can also infer that he doesn’t drink until the early hours of the morning, and he at least knows how to read. I guess he’s trying to say he’s polite and well-read.

Uh huh. Right. Yeah actually you’re right, I was thinking the same thing. That does sound kind of lame. I wouldn’t say it’s a negative thing to be polite and have manners, but I mean like you said, that’s kind of the bare minimum, right? You learn half this stuff in kindergarten. Yeah, sure you’ve got manners, but there’s another guy out there who’s got manners and he’s super good-looking and funny. Another guy’s got manners and he’s into all the same stuff you are. To be honest I share your frustration. What does this guy have besides manners and not being a total alcoholic? Never mind that for now, let’s move on.

So he was talking about how apparently lots of affluent men and actors have Russian wives, yet strangely I couldn’t pick a single example off the top of my head. You couldn’t either? Yeah I know, it’s weird. What’s that you ask? Is he an affluent man or movie star? Well again he didn’t say. You know judging by this guy’s style, I think that would have come up. In fact, if he were a celebrity, I’m sure the woman he sent this to would mention that. It would be news. So no, sorry, he’s not a movie star. But he’s polite, I guess. I mean, if you don’t see bearing really personal details about your problems messaging random women you don’t know to a random woman you don’t know as being impolite, then his manners are probably impeccable.

What else did he say? Well he’s been telling people that he “just may just go and find a Russian woman,” but when he does they just look at him like he’s “nutso,” that means crazy. Yeah, you know, when I said that you kind of had a strange look on your face. In fact I’ve noticed that all through this description your facial expression could best be described as “baffled, with a touch of disappointment.” But honestly I’d probably react the same way if someone told me he was going to go to a foreign country he knows nothing about to “find” a woman of a particular nationality as though he were buying a dog or some other domestic animal. I’d even go so far as to say this sounds sort of…well…self-entitled. But I’m sure that’s not the case. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s American women’s fault this guy can’t have a healthy long-term relationship.

Anything else? Oh yeah, he said that a lot of people joke about Russian women, i.e. you, being whores, but he says there are whores in America too. Yeah, the American whores, the ones that don’t have sex with him, I mean the ones he doesn’t have sex with on principle, and who don’t return his messages. That does seem odd. He doesn’t want to have sex with them but they don’t even answer his messages? It almost makes it seem like he is trying to get with them and they are rejecting him, but that can’t be right.

Aaaaaanyway, so what he was trying to say is that he hears you are all whores, but there are whores in America, so he thinks you might be better whores. What do you think, S-? Would you call yourself a whore? Do you think you’re superior to an American whore? Hey! HEY! Don’t get mad at me. I’m just telling you what the guy wrote. I’d be offended too. I could totally understand it if you didn’t find any interest whatsoever in this fine young gentlemen.

Actually…You know what? I’m beginning to think this guy is creepy and that he is self-entitled to a considerable degree! In fat, this guy sounds like a total douchebag! I bet he doesn’t even have manners either! He’s probably been reading about Russian women from other losers who “find American women lacking.”

Forget about him, S-, you don’t need to bother with “men” like that. I certainly don’t need to tell you that there are so many other single men here, both foreign and local, with so much more going for them than that guy on every level. I’m sorry I even brought it up.

Now that I think about it, I think I won’t tell S- at all.

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