Tag Archives: Russian army

Greek Foreign Minister Says Ukraine Is Security Threat, Keeps Getting Invaded and Occupied by Russia

BRUSSELS- Greek Foreign Minister for Alternate Realities Nikos Xydakis said that Ukraine remains a “constant problem for European security,” due to what he calls Ukraine’s “perpetual propensity for getting in the way of Russian troops movements.” According to him, Eastern Europe would be far more stable if Ukraine could devise a way to not get invaded and occupied by Russia, which is “saddled with a major economic, political, and logistical burden” as it is forced to occupy the territory that Ukraine carelessly left in the path of Russian military units on the march.

“It’s not just Russian soldiers that keep finding their path obstructed by Ukraine,” Xydakis said.

“Ukraine has repeatedly gotten in the way of military aircraft, naval vessels, and even artillery shells fired from Russian territory for training purposes. How are Russia and Europe to cope with one country constantly sitting there like someone blocking a fire exit?”

Some experts agree with the Greek official, though they differ on the details. Italian Member of Parliament from the right-of-center “Mussolini Non Ha Fatto Nulla di Male!” Party Giampaolo Balbo says the problem is with Ukraine’s “behavior.”

“Look at that country, with its big inviting steppes and flat sprawling countryside.” Balbo said.

“It’s practically asking to be ravaged by Russian armored columns. If Ukraine doesn’t want to be invaded, maybe it shouldn’t look like it does. It’s all about self-respect.”

Meanwhile it’s difficult to to quantify just how much of an obstacle Ukraine is. Ukraine’s total area constitutes 233,062 sq mi, making it the 45th largest country in the world by area, and very difficult to maneuver around for Russian Battalion Tactical Groups, the main operational unit of the modern Russian army. This has led some experts to concur with Vladimir Putin and other Russian officials who deny responsibility for occupying the country after it blocked the path of the Russian military.

According to Russian Presidential Spokesman Dmitry Peskov, alternatives to the problem of getting around Ukraine were considered, but rejected for practical reasons.

“We tried looking for alternative ways around Ukraine, believe me,” Peskov said, admitting for the first time that Russian troops were in Ukraine but denying responsibility for their presence there.

“Our best engineers considered everything from tunnels to massive elevated bridges, but these all proved prohibitively expensive. And since Ukraine so rudely got in the way of our marching armies, we really have no choice but to leave them there until we can think up a suitable way to return them.”

I’ll just leave this here…

The next time you’re reading some alarmist article about Russia being this rising global threat and World War III is just around the corner, I highly suggest you take this story into account. I realize that those not familiar with the post-Soviet Russian military may be skeptical, but in defense of its authenticity I have two arguments. The first is that the site clearly has a Team Russia bias, therefore they would have a motive not to publish such an embarrassing story. The typical Team Russia response to anyone pointing out any social problem in Russia is to find one example of a similar occurrence anywhere in the world and then declare that the problem is the same everywhere, even though it clearly isn’t. The second piece of evidence is that everything in the story jives with other stories I’ve seen from time to time in the Russian press. Photographs of the abuse sometimes appear on Russian social networks and on sites like Lurkmore.to, a Russian site comparable to Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Of course this sexual abuse and sex slavery is piled on top of an already infamous legacy of physical abuse, hazing, ethnic rivalry, and exploitation. Sure, those “Little Green Men” who simultaneously were and were not in the Crimea looked pretty intimidating with their latest Russian military gear, but anyone with a modicum of Russian military knowledge can correctly surmise that this was a case of Russia putting its best foot forward. Behind that facade is an army of poorly paid, often abused conscripts who were unable to bribe their way out of their mandatory service. There is a basic modern military principle that for every combat soldier on the front lines, you have about a minimum of ten support soldiers behind him, without whom he simply cannot fight. The guys maintaining their communications, logistics, etc. would be conscripts serving a term of one year.

Far worse is the fact that in the Russian army, these support soldiers don’t appear to have any combat training. Former support soldiers I’ve talked to describe firing five rounds from an AK-74M, and they were floored when I explained to them that every US soldier, regardless of their MOS, must first qualify with the M16A2, then their personal weapon once out of training, and then re-qualify at least every six months. In addition to this, the recruit back in my day was also familiarized with the operation of the M249 Squad Automatic Weapon, the M203 grenade launcher, the AT4 anti-tank weapon, and the claymore mine. Hand grenade training gets a whole day, which includes throwing two live fragmentation grenades.  The number of rounds the recruit expends in the three weeks of basic rifle marksmanship alone may easily top 1,000.  One thing we didn’t have when I was in the army, was over a decade of recent, real-world combat experience. Our sergeants and officers were typically veterans of the first Gulf War. Therefore your average US army soldier or Marine has far more relevant and practical combat knowledge than I ever did, even when I was out of training.

Pro-Russian war nerds love to rattle off technical specs of Russian military technology, without having real first-hand experience of how that technology works in the real world as opposed to special demonstrations or promotional videos. They also totally fail to grasp the importance of the human factor, i.e. the person at the controls of that system, largely because they tend to be gelatinous blobs of adipose tissue who never even had a chance at serving in the military. They also tend to forget that the Western media, in the insatiable search for ratings, has a huge incentive to play up the idea of a rising, threatening Russian menace. So to American defense contractors, for that matter. After all, it is a pain in the ass to get the Pentagon to buy conventional military technology when the main targets tend to be a handful of guys with AKs. Russia actually has produced many top-of-the-line weapons, but outside the realm of small arms, all military technology is prone to defect and all weapons, including the venerable Kalashnikov, are useless without a human being to operate them.

So is Russia a threat? No, not really. Russia is basically like a drunken frat boy who starts picking fights at a party. He swings his arms wildly and says things like, “Come on, bro! I’m right here! You don’t even KNOW ME, bro! Let’s go!” Then he attempts to rip his flannel shirt off, but it gets stuck on his wrist and he starts flailing around in a futile attempt to get it off. In the process, he accidentally hits this girl named Georgia, who’s like, “Oh…my…GOD! Who invited this guy?” Then another girl, we’ll call her Ukraine, gets a little too close and his other flailing hand upends her solo cup, spilling beer all over her new blouse. “Who is this douchebag,” she asks to no one in particular. “It’s just Russia,” one of the guests informs her as he hands her a towel. “He does this sometimes.” Meanwhile Russia keeps screaming, “Come on bro! You wanna fight? Let’s DO this! Come on and swing on me! It will hurt you more! I don’t care what anyone thinks! Fuck all y’all!” The crowd parts around him, staring in shock as he stumbles to the door.  He then attempts to repeat his challenge on the front lawn, but soon his stomach starts to churn and he ends up on his hands and knees, vomiting violently.

So yeah, Russia is a threat if you’re close and small, but as long as we all maintain our cool and don’t lose touch with reality, World War III won’t happen, especially since no country is going to put its ass on the line to save Russia. All you war nerds can stop fapping now. Thank you.

Relevant video: Russia’s new military doctrine. Very scary!