Tag Archives: predictions

The Sky is Definitely Going to Fall by 2016!

We’ve had a lot of fun at the expense of Russian pseudo-intellectuals predicting the immanent collapse of the United States, that’s for sure. Though to be fair, with Russian intellectuals born in the middle of the Cold War, often with no experience in the United States or even a working knowledge of English, it’s possible to cut them a little slack when their predictions don’t come true. The most likely explanation for their predictions is that with the help of translation they are reading and listening to America’s home-grown chicken littles and appropriating their message out of wishful thinking.

Today, for your viewing pleasure, I will provide you with a sampling of “America’s gonna collapse” videos from actual Americans and others who ought to know better. Enjoy.

America will collapse by 2016 

Mark your calenders, folks. This prediction says “by 2016”, indicating that we will see clear signs of collapse within this year.

BRICS will crush the dollar!  

Oh…Waaaaait…Noooo.  This video was published in June of 2014. Of course roughly six months after the video was published, the ruble got nuked, not the dollar. Russia is now facing double digit inflation; today it was reported that pharmacies have raised prices 20%. Mass layoffs are already occurring, including in state-owned enterprises like ITAR-TASS. The minister of labor also reported that as many as 20% of Russian citizens may be left without pensions. But you’ll see! You’ll all see! Either acknowledge the dollar is on the point of collapse or admit you’re an idiot who thinks the dollar will last forever, even after the death of the sun! Fools!

Mayan Calender + Youtube = Moron

Do you even need my commentary on this one?

America = Soviet Union in spite of massive political and economic differences

This was uploaded in March of 2009. To be fair, no date is given, but as usual there is the ubiquitous sense of urgency.

America actually has collapsed.

This video is entitled “Economic Collapse America has Collapsed.”  It was published on 3 March 2010. Sadly, English speakers generally don’t learn grammar in school. Were that the case, they would know that the present perfect generally implies that something has happened, i.e. it is finished, prior to the present time. Example: “He’s arrived at the airport.” Past action- He arrived. Present result- He’s at the airport now. So using the present perfect and saying “America has collapsed” means this actually happened, in 2010, apparently. Nnnnnnope!

2015’s the year!

Here’s another one predicting the collapse of the dollar in 2015. I’m sure this guy never predicted or believed any prediction that the dollar would collapse in 2014, 2013, 2012, or earlier. I’m sure this guy crunched all the numbers, took into account every factor, and through objective analysis calculated the dollar would go ruble in 2015. Remember this video, folks. If 2015 passes and the dollar is still doing fine, relatively speaking, feel free to leave a comment on this video.

LEAVE NOW! GET OUT! 

The next video in our series is called, I shit you not, “Leave America Now 300 Million Will Die in Civilization Collapse in the next 5 Years Warns Researcher.”

The “researcher’s” name is not given in the intro as you might expect, and a label in the top right tells us this publicly available Youtube video is “Top Secret.” Okay.

It was published on 27 February 2013, and claims that America will collapse in the next five years. To be sure, there are three years to go, but usually when a disaster is coming and the best advice is “leave the country now,” you should start seeing clear signs pretty early.

I could make this a ridiculously long article with dozens of examples just from Youtube alone, but you can have a lot of fun on your own just by Googling or doing a Youtube search for “America is going to collapse in.”  Let the auto-complete do the rest. For some odd reason, these people don’t remove the evidence of their failed predictions.

I don’t know, I guess it could happen. I mean, imagine if America’s economy shrank down until it was about the size of California’s current economy, i.e. about $2 trillion as opposed to its current $15 trillion. Then imagine the dollar lost 50% of its value in one year, with about 20% of that occurring in one day. Imagine if the US  were financing a secret war and getting hit with sanctions over it. That could cause a collapse. Not in a country like Russia, of course. Russia can survive anything! But if that happened in America in spite of its much stronger economic and legal foundations, it would surely lead to chaos in the streets. Also the collapse of America would only make Russia stronger. Russia won’t be negatively affected by the collapse of the United States because reasons.

All joking aside, it’s interesting to ponder what makes these people tick. I’m not going to lie- I used to follow this line of thinking too, when I was much younger. I’d look at the news and the deteriorating situation in Iraq and imagine what would happen when the budget and military get strained to the breaking point. The problem is that much like all these other people, I had very little understanding of economics and also the science of government and laws which govern developed countries.

I think people who follow disenfranchised political ideologies, regardless of whether that disenfranchisement is just or not, have a strong desire to believe that something will happen which will somehow make their movement instantly relevant. They feel totally shut out of mainstream politics and have decided there is nothing they can do to change that. Obviously how realistic that is really depends on what ideology we’re talking about, but people often tend to forget that politics isn’t always a matter of elections.

They also forget that actual total economic collapses or emergency scenarios have broken out in developed or semi-developed countries, and the result wasn’t Mad Max. Argentina experienced such a scenario. Even with the chaos in the eastern part of Ukraine, the rest of the country has yet to devolve into anarchy. Correspondents I’ve spoken with who worked in Donetsk and Lugansk reported that assuming no fighting was going on at the time, things could be more or less ordinary. If that’s what happens in Ukraine at war, why should America suddenly turn into 90’s Somalia over a recession? America’s economy actually made gains recently, and is expected to be the only major country with a positive outlook for 2015. If the shit didn’t hit the fan in 2008, there’s no reason why it should in 2015 short of a meteor or a nuclear war.

Ukraine also gives us another example of why radical fringe political groups won’t necessarily gain power via a total breakdown of order. Praviy Sektor and the thugs from Svoboda played a major role in the streetfighting during Maidan, but as soon as Yanukovych was gone the political elite closed ranks and the electoral process shut them out.  For all its problems, Ukraine’s capitalist elite is realistic enough to prevent those who don’t live in the real world from wielding any real power. Were it not for the war in the east and Russia’s involvement, they would most likely crack down harder on radicals, though they will still maintain the pseudo-historical narratives which feed Ukraine’s nationalist right.

I hate to break a lot of hearts out there, but if you want to see radical change in your developed country you’re going to have to get off your ass and do something about it. You will have to do a lot of real research, not watching Youtube videos, and you might want to get in shape as well. Revolutionaries who double over panting after running ten yards to the bus stop aren’t going to become the Che Guevara of the 21st century, mark my words. Whatever you do, realize that some kind of apocalypse is not going to sweep in and do all the work for you. People have been predicting catastrophe and anarchy for decades. Those who think they have “woken up” are still dreaming.

Black duck events to watch for in 2015!

To get the full effect of this satire, I recommend reading this piece first.

Wow! What a year 2014 was, am I right? We saw Russia’s currency fall through the floor, its GDP growth shrink to near zero, and its president nervously rambling when asked about the economy at his press conference in December. In January oil prices have continued to fall, taking the ruble down with them and making Russia’s prospects look pretty grim in 2015. All experts including Russian government officials agree that the economy is in serious trouble, and they have expressed this opinion in public numerous times. But should we be so pessimistic about Russia’s future? Could Russia unexpectedly turn everything around and conquer the EU and US? We can’t be certain, but the answer is definitely yes.

A black duck event is what RT-dubbed political analysts call a historical event which suddenly validates the failed predictions you’ve been making for years simply by its occurrence.  For example, let’s say you’ve spent the last ten years of your life claiming that the collapse of the US dollar was immanent. Obviously this doesn’t bode well for your credibility, but here’s the thing- there’s always next year. A black duck event would be the dollar actually collapsing after your most recent prediction. There doesn’t need to be any good reason to expect a black duck event to happen, you just have to want it enough. Therefore if someone objects to your endless failed prophesies by pointing out that not only did they not come true, but rather that the opposite happened instead, you can just make the same prediction again and tell them that this is a possible black duck event. They can’t possibly see it coming, and they can’t deny it either.

So what possible black duck events might we see in 2015? Here’s an arbitrarily numbered list pulled straight from the asses of Russia “political analysts” from all over the world.

1. Countries abandon the dollar for the ruble

Sure, it hasn’t happened in all these years that various Russian writers, leaders, politicians, and political analysts have been talking about it, but 2015 could be the year! Who knows, the Chinese might even tear up their previous natural gas agreement with Russia, which was to be paid in dollars, in favor of a new agreement paid in rubles. Ditto India and Turkey. Obviously all these countries have good reason to want to fuck over one of their biggest trading partners for the sake of some Russian intellectuals’ imperial masturbatory fantasies. IT COULD HAPPEN!

2. Russia reconquers Baltic region, Finland

Sure, people who know better scoff at the Russian army, but people have underestimated it before, to their doom. Because something has happened a couple times in the past, this means it must always happen every time.

What if the Russian army’s internal abuse, corruption, and incompetence is nothing but a big bluff? What if it’s all a part of the brilliant “hybrid war strategy?” The tables sure would turn if Russia managed to conquer the Baltic countries. This would have no serious adverse consequences for Russia.  Please don’t ask questions.

3. 1 ruble = 1,000,000 USD

As soon as Bulgaria starts buying Russian gas in rubles, you can pretty much bet that the whole world will abandon the dollar, causing it to suffer hyperinflation.  Wait, is it Bulgaria? Maybe it’s Turkey? Which world leader did Putin meet with last? I guess it doesn’t matter as long as you know that the last country whose head of state met with Putin is now firmly in Russia’s camp and will inevitably be the catalyst for a worldwide pivot away form the dollar.

4. Russia ends corruption

Corruption in Russia is a problem, so long as you don’t blame it on Putin or his system. If you do, then WHAT ABOUT THE CORRUPTION THAT SOMETIMES TAKES PLACE IN AMERICA, YOU CIA SHILL?! Where were we? Oh right. So the “experts” say that Russia’s economy suffers from corruption. But check this out. What if, like, there was no more corruption in Russia? What if the president’s twenty third promise to fight corruption is actually fulfilled? Don’t say it can’t happen!

5. Yugoslav style civil war breaks out in the United States

It’s a little known fact that Las Vegas and its surrounding area were once part of the Arizona territory before being annexed by the state of Nevada. Thus far things have been peaceful, but what if events in Ferguson from last year combine with tensions from illegal immigration in Arizona, creating a revanchist mood in that state? A new, populist governor, possibly fearing economic collapse in the wake of the dollar’s plummeting value, may declare Arizona independent and attempt to re-annex Las Vegas. This would inevitably lead to war with the remainder of the United States, but of course Mexico would then probably take the side of Arizona in hopes of absorbing the state later down the road.

California could be totally destroyed in an earthquake, while Russia re-annexes Alaska. Canada will then invade Detroit, the worst place in the entire world, and annex all of Michigan to expand Canadian geopolitical influence in the region. The deep south will most likely from a new Confederacy and attempt to reinstate slavery, which will naturally pull African nations into the conflict out of solidarity and shared memory of the horrors of slavery. Kansas could stop being incredibly windy, and Chicago might become the capital of a new Polish state in the Midwest. At this point a Dutch invasion to recover the old territory of New Netherland would probably occur, ultimately leading to an occupation of New York City and much of the surrounding territory. Massachusetts won’t do anything, because Massachusetts is gay. Everybody else is basically killing each other and burning shit for some reason.  When the dust settles, Russia wins.

It may sound unlikely to Western ears, but this scenario has been voiced by numerous Russian political scientists. Many of them point to the documentary film shown below as evidence that America’s breakup is indeed just around the corner.

6. Russia builds moon colony, corners market in moon oil, gems

Russia still has a neck-and-neck with the US in space exploration. To date, however, Russia hasn’t pressed her advantage and turned it into an economic lever? Check it out though- What if Russia did in 2015? Russia could outflank the West, in space! That’s right- just as oil prices continue to drop, Russia stuns the world by building a base on the surface of the moon. Having shut out all competitors including the US, Russia discovers lunar oil and precious lunar gemstones, which it then sells for billions of dol… I mean, rubles!

Assuming America hasn’t already collapsed as per the scenario described in the previous item, Russia will soon be able to pummel the decadent empire into submission with 12 intergalactic battle cruisers. Mistral helicopter carriers? Who needs them?

Unrealistic? How do you know? These are black duck events. You can’t see them coming! They could happen! Don’t give up on Putin yet! Please keep listening to my geopolitical analysis!

Get ready for the PETRO-RUBLE!

I’m sorry I just cannot leave this alone. As I am currently covering the downfall of the Russian ruble, this video from about seven months ago has become especially hilarious.  Watch Max Kaiser tell us how the dollar is about to collapse following the switch-over to other currencies for energy trading. Yes, it’s probably dollar-collapse prediction number 14,346,982,456,291, only this time it’s comes with the laughably-idiotic-in-hindsight proposition that the ruble will take the dollar’s place.  Sorry, Max.

Just for a little context, note that according to the energy deal he’s talking about, China is actually paying for natural gas in dollars. Supposedly Russia recently floated the idea of China paying in rubles again, but once again China has refused. As is typically the case, Russia’s media simply doesn’t understand that the rest of the world just isn’t interested in Russia’s “special path” or its “historical mission” to constantly “oppose” the Anglo-American-Atlanticist Zionist conspiracy. China’s relationship with the United States is extremely profitable for China, hence their reluctance to engage in any real fuck America activities.

Look, Max, we all make bad predictions at times. I was skeptical about the involvement of Russian forces in the Donbass at first, if only because the amount of evidence in the early stage was somewhat slim. As I got more information I admitted and corrected my mistake. You goldbugs on the other hand have been predicting the dollarpocalypse for literally decades and yet where is it? Maybe you should dial it back a bit.

That advice also goes for:

-People who insist that the US is on the verge of declaring martial law. “I’m telling you people! Just one more false flag terrorist attack and they’ll be dragging you out of your homes and throwing into the FEMA camps!”

-People who predict WWIII over diplomatic tit-for-tats.

-People predicting a revolution in Russia as a result of the falling ruble. Yes, it will eventually happen, but most Russians are still in blame America mode right now.

-The Western news media every time there’s a new “epidemic,” e.g. ebola, swine flu, bird flu, SARS, etc.