Hey there, foreigner! I saw on Twitter that you’re having a demonstration. That’s great! It’s good to express your dissatisfaction with your government. I do that all the time on Twitter, and if we ever had a really revolutionary protest movement I’d probably definitely go. But here’s the thing- there’s a big difference between you and I.
See, I’m an American citizen. I’m a true dissident, speaking truth to power (i.e. posting) and battling Yankee imperialism from within the belly of the beast as Che called it. You, on the other hand, are a foreigner, most likely a resident of a country whose regime isn’t on the best terms with my government. Yes, we talk about being internationalists who care more about the poor oppressed people of the world unlike those neocons, shitlibs, and alt-right neo-Nazis who for some unknown reason keep supporting the same governments we defend, but the reality is that this little issue of citizenship makes all the difference in the world.
If we in America are upset with our government, we have a right to protest. We live in a developed country and we are highly educated because we have Noam Chomsky and podcasts. You, on the other hand, are most likely living in a crucial square on the geopolitical chessboard, and that means that no matter how dire your grievance must seem, you first need to take into account our political system and our country’s foreign policy before you go out into the streets and cause trouble.
See, you might think you’re protesting because your leader and his friends and family siphon off the natural wealth of your country while arresting and sometimes torturing people for criticizing their behavior, but check this out: Did you ever consider that maybe your leaders are actually your legitimate, democratically elected governments, and the only real reason you think they’re bad is because our government says they are? Yeah, wild, I know, but if you had the brain capacity to understand books like Manufacturing Consent and Killing Hope, you too would understand that there are many “regimes” in the world which, contrary to the mainstream corporate media that only regurgitates US State Department talking points, are in fact demonized simply because they put the interests of their own citizens above those of the hegemonic US military-industrial complex. Also, it’s possible your country has oil, so the US just wants to take your oil. If your country doesn’t have significant oil reserves, then they most likely want to build a pipeline across your country and your government is refusing, probably on ecological grounds.
How do you know if your government is truly terrible or just maligned by American corporate elites? Well I’ve got good news- we’ll tell you! Yes, though the sum total of our international experience typically amounts to Spring Break in Mexico or possibly Amsterdam for the true globetrotters among us, we are experts in geopolitics and we will be sure to determine which side in your country’s dispute is worthy of support based on whatever official statements from US officials happen to grace the headline stories that we skim off our news feeds. To be honest, until recently the process would be much easier. We’d just skim the news until we found John McCain’s smiling mug next to the self-proclaimed leaders of some protest movement. That was all we needed to determine that said movement was in fact a US-organized coup against a legitimate government resisting imperialism. Nowadays, we actually have to read a few official statements, but don’t worry- we’re happy to help.
The most important thing to remember is that before you organize your protest movement, you need to clear it with a white leftist in the US or, failing that, Canada or the UK. Otherwise, you risk launching what we will have no choice but to designate as a US-backed coup against a government we have decided is leftist. And if you’re going against a leftist government, you must be far-right. It’s pretty simple. So make sure you’ve consulted with us first so you can hopefully obtain our permission to be legitimate protesters like us, as opposed to mindless dupes of the CIA.
Now I’m sure you have some questions, so just because we in the left believe in a borderless world (save for sovereign anti-imperialist states who are forced to maintain strict border controls because imperialism) and internationalism, as an act of solidarity we will answer a limited number them.
Q: My government has never had a free or fair, competitive election in decades, and the lack of accountability has led to billions of dollars of our nation’s natural wealth being siphoned off by the ruling class and their cronies, much of it being stashed in your country. Anyone who tries to speak up against this gets arrested or harassed. Some have even been killed. Isn’t that enough to justify our protest movement?
A: You’d think that, but no. I mean sure, if our government here in the US or some other leading industrialized country did even a fraction of that, we’d definitely have a protest march and post a lot of memes about our grievances, but you don’t live here, in the belly of the beast of US global hegemony.
You need to give us a chance to Google your country, skim the Wiki article, and then check our trusted sources of information like RT, Telesur, Jacobin, and The Real News in order to determine if all those things you say are actually happening, or if you’re actually just being duped by the CIA into thinking those things are happening in your country. We know it’s very possible that you don’t know what’s really happening in your country because you listen only to mainstream Western corporate media like CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, BBC, NPR, RFERL, Al Jazeera, SkyNews, AFP, AP, Reuters, CBC, etc. If you listened to real, independent news sources like RT, you’d know what’s really happening or not happening in your country.
Q: Do I have to get permission from a white person?
A: Well that’s the best bet if you want to get the approval of podcasters. But if you cannot find any white leftist, feel free to address a person of color so long as they have been raised in their Western country nearly all their life. You don’t want to slip up and accidentally seek permission from say, a “refugee” or emigrant who, based on our determination, may just be a CIA plant or some exiled billionaire masquerading as a fry cook.
Q: Do you really think you know what’s going on in my country more than we do?
A: Look, we may never have been to your country. We may not speak the language. We may not have read anything about it beyond daily headlines and the Wiki article. But we understand something you don’t- our Western governments. And that’s what really matters- our leaders, our politics.
What do you think has more explanatory value? The things you see on your poor-ass streets everyday? The headlines in your newspapers written in weird alphabets consisting of backwards R’s or squiggly little lines? Or, the sum total of Cold War history as told by intellectual giants like Noam Chomsky, William Blum, Seymour Hersh, and Michael Parenti? You have to look at the big picture. You have to consider history. We can determine the political trajectory in your country far better than you can simply by flipping to the relevant chapter in Killing Hope. If something happened in the past, it must repeat exactly the same way every time, because that’s definitely how history and dialectics work.
Q: But I don’t think you understand. We are really poor here. The wealth inequality is unbelievable. We have a lot of things in common since I hear you guys talking about the same problems in your country.
A: Whoa, hold up there, comrade! We have little in common. For example, suppose I do some googling and find out that your country has state-provided universal healthcare. We have nothing like that here in the States. Suppose I do some more checking and found that from the time your country got full independence, infant mortality and life expectancy have gradually improved. Clearly you need to be happy with what you have.
Q: But our government has been imposing austerity measures on us for many years now. Isn’t that the same thing you people complain about?
A: They may be austerity measures, but it’s totally different. See it’s entirely possible that your government is only imposing those measures for your own good, because it is resisting US hegemonic imperialism. How can you know for sure? You can’t. We can. That’s why you need to consult with us first.
Q: What if we apply to you for legitimacy but you decide that our government is legitimate? Do we still have to go on suffering in poverty?
A: Yes, I’m afraid so. The only possible alternative is inevitable US military intervention and occupation. It’s not easy to suffer in silence, but look at it this way- you’re opposing US imperialism!
Q: Shouldn’t you maybe, listen to people’s lived experience? I see you guys talking about that from time to time.
A: Oh sorry, that whole lived experience, listen to X marginalized group stuff only applies to people in our country. We’re happy to listen to people from your country give their opinions, for example your president, your prime minister, some other government officials, your state news presenters and the people they interview. These are clearly trustworthy sources. But we can’t just listen to anybody from your country. They could be paid by the CIA for all we know.
Q: No offense, but this all sounds well, kinda racist.
A: Impossible! I can’t be racist! I’m a leftist! I support BLM and Antifa! Why can’t you people just understand that we in the West have your best interests at heart?! I know my country has done so many terrible things to your country and I don’t want the CIA convincing a bunch of local ignorant people to rise up against its legitimate government! Don’t you realize that no matter how terrible you think your government is, US intervention will only make it worse?
The consequences of not getting permission from the Western left first: These Syrians didn’t get our blessing to revolt against Bashar al-Assad. We made our calculations based on a few statements of the Obama administration and determined that this uprising was in fact caused by the US, and the resistance, such as all the people in this photo, were nothing but CIA-armed jihadists.
Well that’s all we have time for in this guide, so to wrap up, remember- before you get out in the streets, did you make sure to vet your organization with Western, preferably white American leftists? The cost of not-doing so can be dire. You don’t want to be labeled as fascist dupes of the CIA, do you? So think before you revolt, and be sure to get our blessing before you get out in the streets.