Tag Archives: Pokemon Go

A Bad Cartoon

This cartoon:


I hate it. It keeps popping up in my feed, usually for the purpose of mockery, but it still makes me angry. This is less funny than a New Yorker cartoon. This has no point whatsoever. I get what the boomer/possibly elderly cartoonist was going for here, and yet it still sucks because there could have been an actual joke in this. Hell, even Hillary Clinton’s “Pokemon go to the polls” line was a better joke than this. I have to dissect this. I have to do a fucking autopsy on this abomination.

Let’s start with the really freakin’ obvious- the kid likes Pokemon Go. “Oh but how do you know that?” you ask, dickishly. “What makes you so sure?” Yes, the cartoonist actually lazier than Jim “I’ll-make-a-cat-that-has-no-job-but-hates-Mondays” Davis was thorough enough to give him a T-shirt that says “I (heart) Pokemon Go” on it, plus the phone appears to say Pokemon Go on its screen. Why not just go full-on Ben Garrison and label the kid “POKEMON GO FANATIC?”

Alright now, let’s get to Dad. Ah yes, suburban boomer dad whose wife is having an affair if there’s any justice in this world. What can’t we say about him? I mean is this guy surprised his kid’s not interested in the thrilling bedtime story that is “Jack and Jill?” Forget Pokemon Go for a second; that kid would probably rather listen to Day of the Jackal than a stupid poem. You’ve got to read the room. When I was little, my mother found ways to reuse children’s books in ways that kept me interested, for example, she’d read all the words in the book backwards- the individual words, not the story itself. Let me tell you to a four-year-old, that routine simply kills. And that’s how you take a 25-page children’s book and stretch it so it goes further. Oh yeah and speaking of books….

WHY ON ALLAH’S GREEN EARTH is he reading “Jack and Jill” out of a book? The entire poem is six lines. SIX GODDAMNED LINES! Boomer dad hasn’t memorized that poem by now? What was he like: “What will I tell little (INSERT WASP-IEST NAME IMAGINABLE HERE) for a bedtime story? I know! I’ll tell him that old chestnut, “Jack and Jill.” Young people love that classic! How’s it go? Oh right! Jack and Jill went up the hill to…uh…err. What were they doing again? Darn it I’d better go get my leatherbound hardback edition of stupid poems kids are taught in kindergarten!” You incompetent son of a bitch. You fraud.

And that’s that. The dad tries to read a stupid poem to his kid and the kid, in the most diplomatic way possible, tries to steer the conversation towards Pokemon Go because frankly, he’s under a lot of stress. He hears Mom and Dad arguing. The game helps him focus and take his mind off of it. His teachers, while somewhat concerned about all their pupils’ obsession with the game, notes that he is in a good mood and socializes well with others because they’re playing the game too. He’s not an outcast like the neighbor boy whose parents, equally lame as the dad here, expressly forbid him to play Pokemon Go like all the normal kids his age.

In short, son doesn’t want to hear about your dumbass poem and pails of water. Maybe you could tell him some of your heroic war stories- oh wait, you don’t have any, because back in the 60’s you were taking advantage of the post-war boom to douse yourself in sex and drugs, only to make a complete 180 degree turn later in life and vote to destroy the country and environment election after election because you want more tax cuts. And what will you spend that extra money on? Bullshit from Home Depot or Bed, Bath, and Beyond, because you never accomplished anything of merit, because you never knew what struggle was. You’re idea of an accomplishment is putting on a great Super Bowl Party and showing off your workbench you never use because you have no actual skills, your flatscreen TV (it’s three inches bigger than next-door Dave’s!), and your new BBQ grill.

There. There’s the dumbest cartoon ever to be put on paper. It’s even dumber than Ben Garrison’s work, if only because Garrison, as batshit insane as he is, tries to make a point. Even the dumbest point ever serves some purpose in this world gone mad. This technophobic boomerific cartoon does none of that. It killed trees and nothing more. This is the kind of thing that drives characters in Lovecraft stories insane just from staring at it too long. Hell maybe that’s what happened to me after seeing this imbecilic trash pop up in so many places on this cursed labyrinth they call the internet. Maybe it’s already happening to you too. Embrace madness.




Updating the list

If you’ve been following Russia closely since about 2012, you know that in spite of the fact that Russia is a rising superpower at the head of a future Eurasian Union, and in spite of the fact that NATO, the EU, and the whole “Anglo-American-Atlantic” order is on the point of collapse due to “degeneracy” and “tolerance,” there is still a long list of mortal threats that could easily bring down the mighty Russian state in a matter of days if not dealt with harshly by the state.

Bloggers, performance artists, musicians, internet memes, people’s likes on social media, and even Netflix are just a handful of the many dire threats which might push Russia over the edge of the abyss at any moment should its leaders become too lax and secure in their ability to provide Russia with that all-too-precious “stability.” Well guess what, folks. Today we add something to the list. You should have seen it coming.

According to entirely rational and well-adjusted adult human Evgeny Fedorov, founder of the patriotic “National Liberation Movement,” the first national liberation movement to liberate a country from itself, has declared that Pokemon Go is a potential threat to Russian security. Here’s an excerpt from the article on Meduza:

“Calling the game a mechanism for the “mental debilitation” of the populace, Federov suggested that Pokémon Go was created by forces that seek to “degrade humanity.” Noting the game’s efficiency at getting people to move through the streets, Fedorov argued that it would be simple for its creators, who he stresses are not Russian, to concentrate people in one location, somehow provoke them, and, thereby, bring about mass riots. His conclusion is that the game’s objective is to destabilize Russia.”

Poor Russia just can’t get a break. First the evil US imperialists, who supposedly already occupy and control Russia according to Fedorov, use things like MMORPGs and Netflix to weaken Russian youth by getting them to sit indoors staring at screens for hours on end. Now the diabolical plotters are getting them to run around outside. No doubt they will attempt to lead the masses to converge on Red Square with the lure of rare and powerful pokemon- then they will suddenly pull the plug on the game, sending the crowd into a Maidan-like rage. This is an entirely plausible scenario. Evgeny Fedorov certainly has no need for strong anti-psychotic medication. Everything made outside of Russia is a plot to destabilize Russia. He knows because he’s worked so hard for Russian stability.

Now that Pokemon Go has been added to the list, I’m going to republish it here in order to ensure that my readers are up to speed.

List of things which constitute a dire threat to the integrity of Russia, the rising superpower which will inevitably overtake the decaying, degenerate United States any day now

  • Pokemon Go
  • Netflix
  • Chill
  • Anti-Corruption bloggers
  • Corruption bloggers
  • Pugs
  • Onion powder
  • Performance artists
  • Musicians
  • Memes
  • Liking things on social media
  • Twerking
  • Not using your government post as a vehicle for self-enrichment
  • Failure to remind audiences that it is illegal to join or be a member of ISIS in Russia
  • Imported fruit and cheese

That just about covers the main items of the list. The list will be updated in the future.

Now at this point I should point out that apart from some other jackasses complaining about Pokemon Go, one shouldn’t draw the conclusion that Russia is declaring war on the new game. The state-owned Sberbank has embraced the game and has started offering insurance for Pokemon Go players. Apparently they will pay out if you are injured while playing the game. No word yet on whether your claim will be upheld if you sustain injuries at the hands of Fedorov’s “National Liberation Movement” thugs or cossacks, however.