Tag Archives: Parody

Russian Aircraft Carrier Suspected in Robbery

MALAGA- Spanish law enforcement authorities suspect that the Russian aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov may have been involved in the armed robbery of a supermarket in Costa Del Sol.

Investigators have submitted a request to inspect the Russian naval vessel to the Russian Foreign Ministry and Ministry of Defense, according to the National Police Corps’ press office.

“Based on eyewitness statements and security camera footage from the store, we have decided to pursue the Admiral Kuznetsov as a per- ship of interest in the robbery case,” said Alejandro Ramirez, the lead investigator on the case.

Spanish authorities noted that the aging aircraft carrier, which passed by Spain during its voyage back to Russia after completing its military mission in the eastern Mediterranean, had already been implicated in another incident in Madrid one week earlier.


READ MORE- Russian Aircraft Carrier Kills 4 Pandas on its Way Home


On the night of 18 January, cashier Pilar Espinoza noticed that her small supermarket was rapidly filling with smoke. At first she suspected a fire, but seconds later one of the shop’s walls collapsed entirely and she heard a loud, booming voice demand all the money in the register.

“I couldn’t get a good look at him, or it, because of all the smoke, of course,” Espinoza told a local news outlet.

“I just threw the money in the direction of the voice, and when the smoke cleared I saw this giant trench running from the store back in the direction of the beach. It was like some giant monster just dragged itself out of the sea.”

Meanwhile, Moscow has refused to even consider the Spanish request, denying any connection between the robbery and the Admiral Kuznetsov.

“It’s simply absurd- no foreigners will be allowed to inspect one of our naval vessels after making such baseless accusations,” Russian Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman Maria Zakharova wrote on her personal Facebook page.

Russia’s Ministry of Defense also slammed the request, dismissing claims that the aircraft carrier had been involved with any mishaps while at sea.

“Preposterous. The Admiral Kuznetsov had nothing to do with this incident,” said Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu.

“I have been reliably informed that the carrier successfully completed its mission in the Mediterranean and has definitely not become self-aware nor malevolent. I am saying this entirely of my own volition.”

It is expected that Spanish authorities may appeal to Angela Merkel to present their case to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

 

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Russian Aircraft Carrier Kills 4 Pandas on its Way Home

MADRID- The Russian aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov killed four giant pandas at the Zoo Aquarium de Madrid on Monday.

Officials from the park confirmed that male panda Bing Xing and female panda Hua Zui Ba were inexplicably crushed to death by the Russian carrier, which was returning to its home port after combat operations in the eastern Mediterranean Sea.

The pair’s two cubs, Po and De De, died by smoke inhalation from the aircraft carrier’s exhaust.

deadpanda

Zoo employees pay their final respects to De De, one of the four pandas who died on Monday.

The zoo’s press service declined to give further comment on the matter, citing that they were “reeling from the shock” of an aircraft carrier somehow managing to sail through Madrid.

The Russian Ministry of Defense made a number of comments regarding the incident, including “the pandas were acting in a threatening manner,” and “you never had any pandas.

The Ministry of Defense spokesman summed up his response by stating that Spain “had no right to lecture Russia regarding the death of the pandas, insofar as it devastated the population of the Americas from 1492 onward.”

The captain of the Admiral Kuznetsov suggested the accident might have been caused by a faulty arresting gear.

“We’ve had repeated problems with that arresting gear,” said Captain Sergei Artamonov, the ship’s commanding officer. “I’m not saying any pandas were killed, but if they were, it was probably that.”

The Russian aircraft carrier and its attending ships resumed course back to their home port after the unscheduled detour through central Spain.

RT and Sputnik commentators may be replaced by homeless men due to budget cuts

MOSCOW- Ronald B. Wallace, once a homeless man in his native Baltimore, finally has a roof over his head. Thousands of miles away in a residential district of Moscow, Wallace has been provided with a room in a small flat that also doubles as a studio for his own news talk show. Pacing back and forth across the old Soviet parquet floor and muttering to himself, he is mentally preparing to “go live” and begin a new career in TV journalism.

“You see people, it’s all there,” Wallace says at one point, going over his own script that he wrote in a coffee-stained spiral notebook. “They’ve had this planned out since 1776, maybe longer. The New World Order is here, I’m telling you. Open your eyes.”

Wallace is one of several dozen homeless Americans lured, some say kidnapped, to Moscow as part of a new pilot program of the state-run media. Because Russia’s foreign language media such as RT (Russia Today) and Sputnik News often require foreign staff and operate outside of Russia, their operational costs are considerably high, and worse still- numbered in hard currency such as dollars or euros. Faced with budget cuts in the wake of Russia’s worsening economic situation, some enterprising officials in the presidential administration believe they have found the solution. Vladimir Frolov, one of the Kremlin’s so-called “political technologists,” is one of those.

“Basically the problem is this- we need to maintain Russia’s soft power throughout the globe, but with the collapse of the ruble and the economic downturn it’s difficult to justify the huge operating costs that go with such efforts,” Frolov explained.

“I was tasked with evaluating the content of outlets such as RT and Sputnik, and suddenly it hit me. Why are we paying these foreigners such ridiculous salaries when I knew for a fact that we could find other foreigners, even native English speakers, who will do the same job for far less money and no noticeable decline in quality?”

An idea made in the USA

Frolov’s found his inspiration while on his annual family vacation in Miami, where he owns a luxury condominium.

“I was waiting for my Uber ride near a bus stop, and there was this dirty homeless man waving a tattered book in one hand and ranting at anyone who passed by. I heard him talking about the NWO, secret plans to rule the world, and he was constantly referencing the CIA and NSA. That’s when it dawned on me- this guy sounded just like one of our pundits! I offered him dinner at a nearby fast food establishment and the rest was history.”

Frolov took several additional weeks off to do research at bus stations, libraries, and public parks up and down the East coast. When he’d finally seen enough, he pitched his new idea to his kopeck-pinching superiors.

“Why pay some useless long-term expat 200,000 or 300,000 rubles a month to write long, incoherent rambling op-eds full of 9/11 conspiracy theories, alleged CIA plots, and lavish praise of Putin as a defender against the global hegemonic Anglo-American-Zionist imperialist NWO, when I can just stick some of these homeless guys in an apartment and hook them up with some booze and hot food from the nearest McDonald’s or KFC? What’s even better, about half these guys don’t even realize they’re in another country,” Frolov explained.

Escape from the CIA

Wallace was chosen for the project back in April and said that he initially had some misgivings about the project.

“I was on the street corner telling the truth, the truth that those in power don’t want you to hear, that which remains untold, and suddenly these guys come out of the bushes and grab me,” Wallace said,staring at the floor as he spoke. “I screamed that I was being taken by the CIA. I’d been waiting for this moment. I was sure they were the CIA Conein division; those are the guys that do all the black ops and wet work. I kept screaming this but nobody came to my aid. They are sheep, still trapped in the Matrix.”

Eventually the Russian operatives were able to convince Wallace that they were not, in fact, CIA agents, and Wallace agreed to be taken to their “secret arctic underground base,” where he was assured that he would be kept safe from what he dubbed the “Conein division.”

“You’ve got to understand, the CIA Conein division has been after me for years- decades even,” Wallace explained. “So when these men told me that they work for Vladimir Putin, the only man in the world who would know how to stop them, I naturally agreed. For once I can sleep soundly at night.”

Showtime

During the pilot, Wallace sits behind an IKEA desk with a green sheet draped behind him. To the viewer the broadcast would appear not far removed from a typical program on RT. The producer gives a signal, and Wallace begins his program without the aid of a teleprompter.

“Good evening and welcome to The Hunt for the Truth,” Wallace stares into the camera with laser-like focus, still clutching his ragged notebook in one hand.

“I’m your Paul Revere. I’m Prometheus. I’m Morpheus. I’m here to tell the untold, the knowledge they don’t want you to have. The CIA Conein division boys have been hunting me for years because they know what I know- I know all about the population control, the mainstream media Matrix, the chemicals they’ve been adding to our food and water to make us mindless, dull consumers who can’t care about anything but reality TV and professional sports. But thanks to Vladimir Putin, the NWO’s number one most hated opponent, I can broadcast the truth into your homes and none of their micro-jamming satellites can block the signal!”

Throughout the broadcast, Wallace dazzles his audience with complex diagrams explaining what he calls the “Luciferian New Genesis Agenda,” a conspiracy which has allegedly been in progress for centuries, if not millennia.

“Most experts, almost all of whom have been assassinated throughout history, acknowledge that this conspiracy goes back at least 300 years,” Wallace says, standing in front of a white board which he uses to map out the various connections between world events and leader involved in the alleged plot. “But it may go back even further, to the times of ancient Egypt or even earlier. There’s evidence to suggest that the Biblical Lucifer was in fact a man, and the legend about him being cast out of heaven was actually allegorical. Since then, Lucifer and his followers have been attempting to create their own ‘Garden of Eden.’ That Eden is the NWO- the New World Order.”

Winners and Losers

Not everyone is pleased with Frolov’s new cost-cutting measures. Some Western expats who work for the state media see the writing on the wall. Adam Tudesky, a frequent guest commentator on the Kremlin’s international satellite network, had dreamed of getting his own talk show but now says that he’s “in the sights of the cost-cutters.”

“I have always been an admirer of Putin’s style of rule and leaving the decaying, degenerate third world America for a resurgent Russia was the best decision I ever made,” said the 25-year-old political analyst, who moved to Russia in the summer of 2014 after leaving graduating college with a degree in Russian studies.

“I started talking to some people about NATO aggression against Russia, the fascist CIA coup in Ukraine, and color revolutions- all these things I’d heard about on RT. Two months later I’m a geopolitical expert and a little later I become a board member of the Institute of Eurasian Geopolitics and Hybrid Warfare, a prestigious Russian think tank.”

But Frolov’s new project has got Tudesky worried.

“I mean who are these guys, really? Are they real patriots? Could the CIA slip one of their agents in here as a homeless guy and start a color revolution? What if one of them says something on the air which casts doubt on Putin and his brilliant foreign policy? What then?”

Apart from concerns about the quality of the broadcasting, Tudesky admits he has his own personal interests as well.

“I’m not going to lie. I feel threatened by this move. If they go through with this my choices are teaching English to little kids or doing the unthinkable- moving back to the US and trying to figure out how I’m going to survive when the dollar collapses. Hopefully when that happens I can use my speaking skills to assist Putin in creating a Russian enclave on the continental US, but I don’t know what I’m going to do in the meantime.”

The next generation

Wallace admits he feels sorry for expats whom he might replace if the project get the go ahead, if only because they will, according to him, “no longer be safe from the Conein division.” But he also said this wouldn’t stop him from performing what he considers a “duty to wake people up.”

“People need to know the truth. They need to wake up and break free of the Matrix. When the UN troops show up on your doorstep to drag you off to the FEMA population control camps it’ll be too late. That’s why I do what I do. I’m sounding the alarm.”

I’ll just leave this here…

I’ve been too busy to sit down and hammer out any of the long posts I’ve planned recently, but just to show that I’m not dead I’ll share a rather amusing article with you readers, courtesy of an old friend of mine.

Take a look at it and you’ll see that it seems Sputnik News plans to spar with the fake Sputnik Twitter account and even Russia in Your Face! for the title of most hilarious Russian parody news site ever.

Now I don’t think it makes sense to go through this line by line and debunk it. It is so out of touch with reality it might as well be a flat-Earth argument. It’s worth commenting on a couple of key details, however.

First we’ve got another anonymous writer. This seems to be getting more popular with RT and Sputnik lately. This time it’s “The Tactical Investor,”who I’m guessing is probably Zero Hedge or someone who reads his work. Oddly enough the name seems to link to a legitimate investment advice site of some sort, but if they did indeed prepare this article I wouldn’t take any of their financial advice. Hell I wouldn’t buy a ham sandwich from this son of a bitch.

The article is of course about the “worthless dollar,” yet it’s definitely not worthless to point out that Russia holds substantial dollar reserves and also increased its share of American debt in 2015. For example in December of that year, the Russian government owned $92 billion in US Treasury Securities. This is something you don’t do when you think a nation is crushed by its sovereign debt and its currency is on the verge of worthlessness.

Of course the crux is the article of the long-held fap fantasy of the Kremlin and its ideologues, which is the abandonment of the dollar for trade in favor of local currencies. Check it out:

“One of the reasons the US has engaged Russia is that it has made it a mission to wean itself from the dollar. Putin openly stated that Russia should sell its oil and gas in ruble. This does not sit well with the US for many other nations could follow in Russia’ footsteps as it is a dominant and powerful player in the energy sector.”

If Russia has had a mission to wean itself from the dollar, it has failed spectacularly just as it failed in its mission of modernization, fighting corruption, and nanotechnology. For one thing, Russia is still selling oil and gas in dollars. At the moment there’s actually some benefit for them to do this. Kremlin politicians and pundits never shut up about switching to local currencies in trade, and yet every time they sign a big energy deal to great fanfare (which then immediately runs into obstacles and stalls), the buyers want to pay in dollars. It was that way with Turkey, it was the same with China. Early last year Putin visited Egypt and there was talk in the Russian media of Egypt switching to trade in local currencies. Guess what- the Egyptians denied it.

Next, a note about their little theory regarding Saddam Hussein, Gaddafi, and selling oil in euros. First of all, the theory about the former is disputed. In any case, the claim is so widespread it begs the question- if the danger of Saddam selling oil in euros was so great because it would cause other oil producers to follow suit, why didn’t those oil producers perceive this and start doing exactly that? Why didn’t Russia take the lead against the dollar at the time? Oh right- oil prices shot up and Putin benefited from the Iraq invasion, as did Gazprom (which has operations in Iraqi Kurdistan). They give no evidence for Gaddafi planning to switch over to the euro. The pretext to intervening in Libya was an uprising inspired by Arab Spring, which did not start in Libya. Was Tunisia planning to sell oil in euros? Was Egypt’s Mubarak, a long time ally of the US, planning to sell oil in euros? Hmmm… Looks like this hypothesis might be flawed.

And for a few more laughs, look at some of their “analysis.”

1) The US is desperate and they are doing their best to portray power, but instead it is coming off as weakness. But a desperate animal is bound to do even more desperate thing;

Hey can someone remind me of the definition of psychological projection? Anyone? Anyone at all? Replace “US” with Russia and that sentence suddenly makes perfect sense.
2) Now that China and Russia have joined forces, they have become a lethal combination. China has the money and the economy and Russia has the guns and firepower.

Just one little problem there, slick- Russia and China haven’t joined forces. China has signed exploitative trade deals with Russia. It’s also suffering itself under an economic and approaching demographic crisis. This makes it all the more laughable that the author says they have the money and the economy. First, why doesn’t Russia have it? Second, China’s military is considerably bigger. Lastly, what do they expect to happen? Russia’s going to go to war and China’s going to pay for it…just for the pretext of “standing up to the US?” These people live in Fantasy Land, plain and simple.

In the mean time if you have a surplus of worthless US dollars, I’d be happy to take them off your hands. The email address for the Paypal account is in the FAQ.

 

 

Your Typical Non-Russian, Western Russophile

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: The following is strictly satire of others and does not reflect my beliefs in any way. If this reminds the reader of any particular individual I assure you it is largely due to the fact that nearly all these jackasses sound virtually identical.

 

Hello there! I’m your run of the mill dissident from America, here to lecture you Russians on what you should do to be a successful country.  Specifically, you need a national ideology, and who better to teach you about your national ideology than myself, someone obsessed with your country? Of course I didn’t dream up this ideology myself. See, ever since I came to Russia and learned that Russians aren’t as obsessed about their own country as I think they should be, I have managed to surround myself with only those Russians who appreciate my service as a mouthpiece for their ideas.  As a foreigner, you can rest assured that I have totally surveyed the full spectrum of Russian politics and decided that these particular ideas are right for you. How fortunate you are to have me.

 

First off, Russia needs to reject everything Western. Well, everything except me of course.  I’m perceptive enough to understand that I can’t risk telling you to give up your iPhones, Playstations, Xboxes, foreign made PCs, import cars, and foreign fashions, but deep down I kind of wish you would because I would much rather see a Russia that better conforms to my romantic, patronizing idea of your country.  I have serious problems dealing with the pace of modern society and global capitalism, but I’m too ignorant and lazy to actually study and understand these phenomena. Therefore just like an arrogant Westerner who goes to India to have a spiritual experience, I secretly wish you would stick to your old traditions and not advance into the 21st century.

 

The best way for your country to treat my identity crisis is to conform to some kind of contrived, arbitrarily designed national ideology dreamed up by those intellectuals whom I designate.  I left America because I felt alienated by pluralistic society and I don’t want you to fuck things up for me by having controversy, debates, different viewpoints, and interests in other countries which are of no concern to me.

 

Let me just come right out and say it. Even though I swear up and down that I have purged myself of Western arrogance, you are my noble savages. I want to assimilate into your culture while still remaining just aloof enough so as not to have to face the consequences of my words, and naturally I’ll be keeping my American passport! I want to be Russian, but only if I can live in Moscow with a salary several times that of the ordinary Russian worker. Now that we have got all the preliminaries out of the way, let me proceed to lecture you on your national ideology, which you should certainly adopt.

 

1. The ideology should reject anything Western.  Well anything but the fun stuff. Also me; you have to accept me even though I’m not Russian and barely Slavic (if at all). I’m still not decided on potatoes yet. They are from the Americas and the most popular strains originate in the United States. On the other hand, I haven’t yet worked up the gall to demand that Russians give up potatoes.  Give me another year of hanging out with my small coterie of Russian fascists and I’ll give you an answer later.

 

2. The ideology should not be exported. Never mind the fact that I’m rooting for Russia to “win” in a global economy, or the fact that I clearly take inspiration from fascists who have preached about creating a new Russian Empire which stretches to the Atlantic. Clearly the most positive thing would be for Russia to create a contrived, Russians-only (and me too, of course) ideology and then force that on other ethnic groups and countries.  I get upset when America exports its culture and uses military or economic pressure to bully or even overthrow governments which don’t cater to its interests, but I’m totally cool with Russia doing the same, or even worse. Why? Because I like Russia, of course! Anyway, the Russian ideology has precedents which clearly didn’t work out well, perhaps the best example being the Qing dynasty in China. Luckily I’m too politically, economically, and historically illiterate to know any of these historical cases and therefore there is nothing to prevent me from recommending a reactionary, fascist ideology which has only lead to disaster everywhere it’s been tried!

 

3. Russians need strict rules and someone to tell them how to behave; it’s just your nature. Yeah I know it sounds like old Western imperialist arrogance, but it’s really not, because I say it’s not. I love Russia, I really do. But when I say that I don’t mean I love the actual people in Russia, but rather the fantasy of Russia that exists only in my minds and the minds of the narrow groups of Russians I associate with (others I write off as Western-corrupted liberal self-haters).  So you need some people such as me to lay down strict codes of behavior for you to follow.  I totally can’t see the irony in the fact that I support this while simultaneously claiming that Russia is freer than the West.  Freedom is the problem, because many Russians don’t behave the way I think they should, nor do they take as strong of an interest in Russia as I do.  I’m allowed to be a black sheep in my country, but you are not allowed to do the same in yours.

 

4. The ideology must be totally neurotic and focus on petty aspects of life rather than systemic problems or injustices. That’s the beauty of ideology- if someone tells you what to believe you can obey and just pretend those bad things don’t exist.  Neither I, nor my Russian fascist buddies have any real analysis or solutions to Russia’s problems other than to demand that people conform to our cooked-up ideology so that we can feel special.  Or in other words, we need to spend a lot of time thinking about and agonizing over homosexuality and masculinity.

 

5.  Although I hate American exceptionalism and those who tried to ram it down my throat in my native country, I think it would be great if a new elite in Russia did exactly that to you people. Did I mention I love Russia?  If it sounds like I see you as a herd of stupid cattle, you’re merely being shocked and confused by the fire hose stream of Russia love I’m dousing you with.

6. I’m not really religious myself, but you should be. One reason is that religion and national identity were closely linked in Eastern Europe, though my actual knowledge of history is quite pathetic for someone so obsessed with Russia.  Religion is also useful because it is the antithesis of critical thinking, a skill which leads to nothing but problems.  Ideology solves those sticky problems.

 

I realize that some Russian readers may be too stupid to understand why they should adopt a national ideology without question under pain of being excluded from their national community, but please try to keep up.  I’m only doing this because I love Russia. I love it so much that I purposely downplay, ignore, or even flat out deny serious ongoing social and economic problems which severely impact the lives of millions of Russian citizens, thus helping to suppress discussion about them so that there is no hope of solving them.  I’m very sorry but I’m rooting for my team, and my fascist friends taught me that admitting anything wrong with your country, even for the sake of suffering people, is treason.  Of course it’s perfectly fine for me to criticize my native country, the United States.  It may sound a bit hypocritical, but don’t be fooled, I don’t really care about poor people in the US either. I’m just using them as a prop to score points with my new masters.

 

So remember to be good Russians and do what I and the various obscure Russian intellectuals I admire say, otherwise you’re a self-hating liberal wannabe Westerner. I decide what Russian is, not you.  You’re too stupid to think for yourselves, much less go out into the world and see how other countries work, taking those things which could be beneficial to your own nation. Trust me, I REALLY love Russia!