Tag Archives: Novorossiya

Novorossiya fan fiction

I was surprised to see how quickly Russia’s fiction writers have been turning out literature about Novorossiya and the conflict in Eastern Ukraine. I don’t mean the fiction writers at RT this time. I was referring to novelists, people who at least acknowledge that they are making things up.  Anyway, I’m proud to present you with some examples of action-packed titles inspired by the great conflict of our time. Look out, Tolstoy. Eat a dick, Dostoevsky! A new generation of true Russian authors is about to usher in a new golden age of Russian literature!

Our first title is Ukrainian Hell, which has the tagline “This is our war!” I’m sure that the publisher probably included a disclaimer explaining that by “our war,” neither the author nor the publisher is implying that any Russian troops have been in Ukraine at any time.

Judging by the cover this book must be set in the future, when the US develops an airplane capable of landing in Kyiv’s Maidan Nezhalezhnosti, depicted in the background. It’s not exactly clear what’s going down here; if the Russian resistance has captured the square, why would this American pilot land here? Or did the US Air Force decide to use this square as an air base when the Russian rebels overran the area? Perhaps this is a hypothetical future in which the American Joint Chiefs of Staff are replaced with eight-year-old children in the interests of cutting costs. Whatever the case, our hero is for some reason armed with an unusually large hatchet. You never know when you’ll need to chop down a few trees in the center of Kyiv.

This next tome is entitled Ukraine in Flames. Our hero in the foreground performs a very unique, acrobatic melee attack with the butt of his Kalashnikov. He is totally unconcerned about the proximity of the aerial rockets being fired above. In the background on the right, we see a character who may have been based on RT’s Graham Phillips. He came for the sex tour, he stayed for the glory of combat! Here we see him emptying his magazine at his natural enemy, the trip flare. Can’t wait to crack this one. I predict ceaseless carnage!

Do you have a Russian friend who likes reading novels while relaxing by the Crimean shore? Of course you don’t! Russians don’t go to the Crimea! But your friend can still enjoy Wild Fields 2017 while soaking up the sun in Sharm-el-Sheikh or Antalya!

This is a bit more imaginative, almost science fiction-like novel, as the cover implies that the Donetsk People’s Republic will exist in 2017.  Now I’m no expert on Ukrainian or Donetsk People’s Republican traffic regulations, but it seems to me that those Svoboda guys in the Mercedes had the right away here. Also, note that the DNR forces are driving what appears to be a variant of the BMP or BMD infantry fighting vehicle. This begs the question as to whether the DNR soldiers in the book will still claim that they captured this and other vehicles from “Ukrainian army depots” in 2017. Ukraine, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to be doing well. They’ve had to resort to relying on Svoboda paramilitaries who ride into battle in Mercedes Benz luxury SUVs. They’re also not very defensive drivers.  Just for the record, I don’t have any moral qualms about running tanks or other armored vehicles into cars that are occupied by Svoboda members. I’m just having a little trouble suspending my disbelief when it comes to the premise of this novel.


This title is called The Wrath of Novorossiya. In this scene, we see that wrath directed not against other supporters of Novorossiya, civilians, women going to cafes, or their fellow militiamen, but rather against this Ukrainian Banderite who was such a bitch that he decided to come to battle dressed in the same camouflage pattern our hero is wearing! He knew the hero was going to be wearing that Soviet 80’s airborne style and he still went out and got the same camo just to spite him!

I can’t help but notice, however, that neither our hero, nor his Banderite opponent seem to understand the utility of firearms in battle.  Perhaps this explains the stalemate in the Donbass region? In any case, I’m sure it’s a real page turner!


Two Items

On 29 October, police shut down an obvious coup d’etat attempt organized by the Russian seventh column. A mob of about 30-35 fifth columnists, obviously in the pay of the US State Department, descended upon the office of Moscow’s mayor. Clearly their plan was to overthrow the government of Russia and then turn over Russian sovereignty to the United States. Luckily, the ever-vigilant police were on the scene to prevent this coup, and to stop Russia from becoming America’s 51st state, Gaylabama. Nice try, Obama!

Seriously though, what happened could barely be called a demonstration. As far as I have managed to gather from reading about the story and from the video, a group of teachers and doctors actually made an appointment to speak with the mayor or someone in his office regarding the state’s failure to keep up their end of the bargain on some kind of housing provision.  Unfortunately I cannot speak authoritatively on this because I’m not familiar with the ins and outs of provisions for teachers and state-employed doctors, but I do know for a fact that both education and healthcare are major targets of severe budget cuts made necessary by the government’s recent international dipshittery.

One disturbing part of the video shows a woman talking about how some “column”(she’s not sure whether it’s the usual fifth column or possibly the sixth or seventh) must be behind this injustice, and she’s sure that president Putin can’t possibly know what’s going on. In other words, the bureaucrats who are behind this mess are supposedly part of Russia’s 5th-48th columns of US State Department-paid agents, and she’s hoping that daddy Putin will be informed of this travesty so that he can make this all better.  Can you see why I get fed up with this country sometimes? A year ago it would be hard to find someone so stupid as to think Putin was somehow unaware of the corruption here. Now Putin is looked at as someone who is aloof from the system, and his name is invoked in hopes that he will set things right. In reality, while Putin may not know about this specific injustice, he’s more aware than anyone of what Russia has in store. He knows about budget cuts before anyone else. He must be able to infer what results they will have, but he just doesn’t care because it doesn’t affect him. If it gets too bad, he’ll be on a plane with a shitload of money in his accounts.

Of course it doesn’t matter how loyal these people are to Putin, because they have already identified themselves as fifth columnists. They protested; Russians aren’t supposed to do that.  You’re supposed to obey your leaders, no matter how corrupt, because…because….uh…AMERICA! GAY PEOPLE!!! BLEAAAARGH!!!

One other thing I’d like to note about this is the reaction this video has got from some Russians.  Here’s an example off Vkontakte.

“Эти бюджетники всегда голосуют за “Единую Россию”, потому что она им обещает квартиры, зарплаты. А как только трудности в стране – сразу майдан? Пусть едут в глубинку работать. И почему за популизм Собянина должен отвечать Путин? За Лужкова тоже Путин должен был отвечать?”

The main gist here is that the people seen in the video supposedly always vote for United Russia because they are promised apartments and salaries. I’ve seen similar sentiments expressed in the comments section of the video on Youtube.  I realize that some of these people may be right to some extent, but this is really the wrong attitude to take if you want change in the country.  So let’s say these people did vote for United Russia and support Putin. Why not acknowledge the fact that they were duped, like many people in Russia in the past 23 years? Why not reach out to them and show them why they were misguided when they thought that the leadership actually cared about them?

No doubt one could argue that a major reason for the failure of Russian opposition politics is that society is so atomized and people would rather attack other like-minded individuals over things they did in the past rather than respect the fact that they made a change in their lives.  Would it really be better if all these people just stayed home and continued to support the government?  It reminds me of the damned if you do, damned if you don’t attitude in American politics. What’s that? Your job doesn’t pay a living wage? Maybe you should have gone to college! What’s that? You’re buried in student debt? Maybe you shouldn’t have gone to college if you couldn’t afford it!  AMERICA!

The next story is from the “You have got to be shitting me” file, and it comes to us from the tiny non-country of “Novorossiya.” It’s fairly noteworthy that many of the local supporters of the Donetsk and Lugansk republics are quite elderly.  Well if they were expecting pensions from their new, unelected leaders, they can go fuck themselves according to the guy who was made premier of the Donestk Republic by a citizen of Moscow.

Alexander Zakharchenko told his citizens that they should ask Kyiv to pay their pensions, since they paid taxes to Ukraine all these years. That’s right, they tried to create their own country and refused to fully disarm and integrate into Ukraine, but Kyiv is still responsible for the pensions of people who are supposedly citizens of a separate country.  Okay.

Apparently some days before in the “Lugansk Republic,” not to be confused with a traditional republic where you vote for people who supposedly represent your interests, a peaceful demonstration of citizens demanding pensions and unpaid salaries was forcibly driven off by militiamen. In the process, shots were fired to disperse the crowd of unarmed fifth columnists, who had the audacity to demand that their new “government” actually function like a state.  Fortunately, their were no casualties.

I offer these two examples for those lying Team Russia fans, Eurasianists, and RT lovers who present Russia and Novorossiya as an alternative to neo-liberal capitalism and in some cases, a step towards socialism.  This is a “state” where unelected armed men, many from a different country, drive workers and pensioners away with gunfire when the demand their benefits and salaries.  This is a “state” which forcibly separates from another state, then tells the people who supported it that they should appeal to the latter for their pensions.  I’d call it a fucking joke but it’s just not funny. This farce will do nothing but prolong the humiliation of the Ukrainian and Russian peoples for years to come.

Novorossiya News! Uraaaaaaaarrrrlaggggggggh!!!!

So apparently “Novorossiya” now has its own news service, and they’re looking for writers. I figured I’d give it a go, in hopes that Novorossiya News might actually publish the articles it solicits from writers.  Here’s my sample article for Novorossiya News Agency:


Ukrainian Fascist SS Banderites slaughter 200 Orthodox Russian orphan children in Western Donetsk People’s Socialist Republic of Anti-Fascist Russian Empire

SLAVYANSK- Tragedy struck today as members of the Ukrainian 1st Waffen SS Panzergrenadier Division “Stepan Bandera” brutally murdered over 200 blind Russian orphans after capturing the group home where they were sheltering from non-stop artillery bombardment. Prior to murdering the children, members of the fascist unit forced their victims to recite the American Pledge of Allegiance, in English, adding a line about “gay marriage for all.”  Then the bloodthirsty killers shouted “Heil Hitler and Tolerance” and slaughtered the helpless children where they stood.  Such is the fate of any who stand in the way of Jewish-Zionist-Nazi-Banderite Globalization NWO hegemony.

Fortunately, the brave forces of Novorossiya fight on, and vow to avenge the children as well as establish a truly free state, in which everyone will be required by law to be Orthodox and speak Russian.  Novorossiya does not need Euro-American “freedom.” In spite of the fact that Europeans and Americans can choose any religion or no religion, and in spite of the fact that they can elect different leaders from opposing parties, their freedom and their democracy is a total sham! True democracy means having an established religion and having independence under an unelected Moscow businessman who runs away when things get too hot. FUCK OFF NATO!

Also the defense ministry of the Donetsk Tsarist Peoples Soviet Socialist Republic of Russian Orthodoxy and Novorossiya once again puts out an appeal to faggot-loving anti-fascists all over the world, including in Gaymerica and Gayropa, inviting them to come here and fight and die to help us establish an openly right-wing, xenophobic, Russian nationalist state. Should you survive the conflict, we will give you our thanks and kindly ask you to return to your degenerate, fag-infested, tolerant countries which are bound to collapse any day now. Please help us fight the fascists!  NO PASORAN!!!!

STOP FASCISM! Help our superior white brothers defeat the dastardly, Jew-controlled dark-skinned Ukrainians! Did I mention we're fighting against fascism?

STOP FASCISM! Help our superior white brothers defeat the dastardly, Jew-controlled dark-skinned Ukrainians! Did I mention we’re fighting against fascism?



Express train to fantasy land

A common response to any criticism of Putin’s policies as of late is that Putin’s popularity has increased significantly and most people are supporting the government in its stance on Ukraine. Indeed this is true, but this is a serious problem. It shows that most of the population hasn’t been educated in political or economic reality and as such lives in a fantasy world. For people at the top of Russian society, this isn’t a problem. When the chickens come home to roost they’ll be wiring money outside the country and boarding private planes with briefcases full of money. Ordinary people will be fucked, however.

Any Americans out there remember life in the year following 9-11? Remember Bush’s rhetoric about how toppling Saddam Hussein would protect us from more terrorism? Remember the argument “better to fight them in Baghdad than Boston?” Idiocy, I know. Fear and shock made some of those arguments plausible to many Americans in the aftermath of 9-11, but eventually a large portion of the population, and possibly the majority after a number of years, returned to their senses. It was clear that a “war on terror” could not be waged, and invading countries in the hopes of finding and eliminating more terrorists simply wasn’t feasible.

This kind of realization hasn’t really happened in Russia. The population which supports Putin or the government now fervently believes that rebuilding the Russian empire will be good for them personally, despite the fact that we already have evidence that the annexation of the Crimea is actually harming Russians economically through tax increases and the loss of a certain portion of people’s pensions. Whereas other countries measure success in the development of their infrastructure, industry, exporting domestically-manufactured goods, etc., Russia is still living in a fantasy world where greatness means conquering other countries.

The main problem with this fantasy is that when people buy into it, they ignore all the problems in their society, including those that actually affect them or will affect them in the near future. For nearly eight years America was fixated on this war going on in Iraq while people were losing their homes and the infrastructure was crumbling. In the case of Russia, rampant corruption and far worse problems with infrastructure are ignored in favor of the mental masturbatory festival which is playing out in Eastern Ukraine right now. This is what I’m talking about when I say the problems of the 90’s were never really dealt with, and now they are almost totally ignored.

The disaster cannot be postponed forever. The clever way Russia managed to hide its state debt by shifting the burden to the regions isn’t going to work out much longer. Economic downturns which were predicted by the finance ministry even before any sanctions were levied will begin to mount. The emptiness of the government’s chest-beating and its impotence in the military/economic sphere will become apparent. The empire the government promised the people will eventually be revealed as a paper tiger. Then what? People get angry; that’s what.