Tag Archives: leftists

Leftist intellectuals: “We’ve been phoning it in for a while now, actually.”

LONDON

Australian-born journalist and leftist intellectual John Pilger admitted on Wednesday that he has been “phoning it in for a while now” on the topic of Ukraine.

“To be honest, I had to Google Viktor Yanukovych when all that Maidan business started,” Pilger said.

Having located Ukraine on a map and after carrying out extensive research on Wikipedia, Pilger said he then applied what he and several other leftist intellectuals refer to as “the formula.”

“It works like this. The US, EU, NATO, IMF, Monsanto, etc. appear to be supporting one side in a conflict, in this case, Euromaidan versus Viktor Yanukovych and his Russian backers. I might not know anything about Yanukovych or Russia, but if all those other governments are criticizing them, that means they must be good. Working backwards like this, I determined that Yanukovych must have been a progressive leader who was trying to look out for Ukraine’s working class by opposing IMF-imposed austerity.”

Pilger wasn’t the only leftist intellectual applying “the formula.” Noam Chomsky also admitted to falling back on templates in order to create talking points about Ukraine and Russia.

“I haven’t paid attention to Russia in years,” Chomsky admitted in an interview. “On Democracy Now! I was asked about the murder of this opposition politician, or NGO worker, or something, named Boris Memtsov or Nermtsev or whatever. A lesser leftist intellectual would have been shitting bricks right there, but I’ve been doing this for a while. I just started rambling about the Cold War, the Cuban Missile Crisis, and my old favorite trope, where I talk about how our government is hypocritical.”

When asked if Chomsky thought there was anything wrong with self-proclaimed “anti-imperialist” intellectuals openly endorsing the 19th century great power politics of other countries, Chomsky said that there’s no problem “so long as you’re not talking about the US or one of its allies.”

“Sure, if some neoconservative think tank pundit endorses toppling governments in the Middle East or Latin America so as to secure US economic interests, I’ll be all over that,” Chomsky said. “But if Russia does the exact same thing, using openly imperialist rhetoric to justify its actions, I’m happy to back them up even if it is indisputably far more authoritarian than the United States. I didn’t get to be idol of so many white American college students by dialectical thinking and nuance, you know.”

Filmmaker Oliver Stone announced his plans to make a documentary about the “US-sponsored coup” in Ukraine after meeting with Viktor Yanukovych in Moscow late last year. He too admitted that he hadn’t really done much research into Ukraine, Euromaidan, or the conflict with Russia.

“You don’t have time to do research when you’re investigating conspiracy theories,” Stone explained. “The whole mainstream media was saying that Yanukovych was corrupt and authoritarian. Obviously if that’s what they were saying, it couldn’t be true. As it turns out, Yanukovych himself told me it was all a lie.”

Stone’s working hypothesis is based on deriving conclusions from the “propaganda” against Yanukovych and Russia.

“Our corporate hegemony advocates neo-liberal politics which lead to massive inequality between the rich and poor. Based on this, and based on the fact that the corporate media assails Russia and Yanukovych’s government, I’ve managed to determine that the real reason Yanukovych was overthrown was that he was planning to unveil a new socialist system whereby each citizen would receive free housing, food, education, and medical care. Apparently they’ve been planning to implement the same system in Russia for quite some time, but they can’t because the US State Department is meddling in their internal affairs.”

When asked about Ukrainians and Russians who are opposed to their own governments, the filmmaker shook his head.

“Obviously they are misguided. What kind of person would question their own government, assuming it’s not the American government or that of one of its allies? These people need to open their eyes and really see what’s going on in their country.”

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Professor Willywhisk’s Whimsical Invention!

“Oh would you just get on with it already,” said Dr. Caruthers as he tired of watching Dr. Wendell M. Willywhisk busy himself about with his latest invention.

“All in good time, my dear doctor, all in good time,” professor Willywhisk replied.

Besides Dr. Caruthers, four other professors from Britain’s most prestigious institutes of higher learning were present to watch Dr. Willywhisk make what he promised were the “final adjustments” to his new device. That device, whatever it was, was sitting on a table in the middle of professor Willywhisk’s drawing room. All his guests could see was some kind of bulky object covered by a white sheet. The professor carefully moved his hands under the sheet so as to make the needed adjustments without revealing so much as a peek to his guests.

victorian-science_2561516b

“Almost there,” the eccentric professor said.

The guests grew quieter. Caruthers began to twirl the end of his imperial mustache.

“That’s it!”

The professor removed his hands from under the sheet and positioned himself next to the table.

“Gentlemen! Esteemed colleagues! Fellow seekers of knowledge! I give you one of the most extraordinary inventions of all time! I call it…UKRAINE!”

With that, the professor whipped away the sheet to reveal a strange, roughly diamond shaped solid mass in the center of the table. Attached to the bottom point was a sort of small rhomboid shape. The bottom half of this mass, closest to the spectators, was yellow, and the top half a light blue.  All the guests, Dr. Caruthers included, were taken aback at the sight of this unusual object. Suddenly one of the guests, a professor Dillings from Cambridge, took the pipe from his mouth and ventured to break the silence.

“What exactly does the Ukraine do?”

“Oh you mustn’t call it the Ukraine,” professor Willywhisk replied. “It is only a Ukraine, this Ukraine, or Ukraine! Never the Ukraine!”

“Very well then, professor. What does this Ukraine do?”

A most curious device...

A most curious device…

“Ah I am so glad you asked! You see, gentlemen, I invented the…this Ukraine, for a special purpose. With Ukraine, one can tell if a leftist is actually ideologically consistent, and whether or not they posses critical thinking ability.”

“Oh nonsense,” Caruthers sudenly burst forth. “No invention could ever tell you any such thing! Not my steam-powered thinking machine, not Dr. Wiggens’ gyrocoptic discombobulator, nothing! It is a scientific impossibility to build such a device! It is folly!”

Professor Willywhisk was totally unperturbed. He’d planned for this months in advance.

“I should have known you’d be a doubting Thomas, my dearest of dear colleagues! That’s why I prepared a little experiment. Shall we give it a go?”

With that, professor Willywhisk turned toward the door leading to the corridor.

“Oh Jeremy? Would you be so kind as to join us now?”

Just then a young man wearing the strangest clothes walked in. He had on what appeared to be some sort of lightweight military garment, and what must have been a cotton shirt of some kind underneath that unbuttoned garment. This undershirt bore a strange red and black image of an angry young man with a bushy bear and a black beret on his head. His nostrils were flared in a look of utter defiance.

“Jeremy, please stand over here, by the table, if you would.”

The young man did as he was told.

“Now, gentlemen,” professor Willywhisk said, “Prepare to be amazed.”

He turned toward the young man and said, “Jeremy, look at this device on the table. It is called Ukraine. Look at it and tell me what you see.”

The young man began to stare at the device on the table. He cocked his head to one side, then to the other. It was clear he had no actual knowledge about this device.

A smirk came over Dr. Caruthers’ face.

“Well gentlemen,” the esteemed Caruthers said to his fellow guests, “It appears we have been summoned here for nothing. You always were an eccentric, Wendell.”

He turned towards the door, and the other guests began to follow suit. Just then, the young man began talking excitedly.

“The US and European Union overthrew the legitimate Ukrainian government because it was opposing their plans to expand the influence of the IMF, Monsanto, and to spread their neo-liberal privatization schemes! President Putin stands up to the West and neo-liberal economics! That’s the only reason he is constantly demonized in the Western media! The Ukrainian government is run by NATO-loving fascists who are murdering the innocent children of the Donbass! We must uncritically support the Novorossiyan people who stand against fascism and neo-liberalism…”

“It’s amazing,” Caruthers exclaimed as the young man simply went on talking.

“Indeed,” professor Dillings said.

“Do you not see, gentlemen? The subject has no idea what he is talking about. He speaks neither Ukrainian nor Russian. He has never visited any such land. And yet when he comes in contact with this device, he can suddenly lecture on, indefinitely, about a subject he clearly knows nothing about. And with total confidence, no less!”

The guests stood speechless as the test subject continued to drone on about the IMF, Monsanto, NATO, the EU, anti-imperialism, and fascist Nazi juntas.

“There you have it, gentlemen,” professor Willywhisk proclaimed triumphantly. “The device works as designed. This young leftist agitator has no critical thinking skills, thinks in primitive, binary false dichotomies, and is totally willing to drone on about subjects he knows nothing about! And we know this all thanks to my device- the…er…thisUkraine!

A round of applause arose from the guests.

“Well done, old chap,” Caruthers said, clapping his hands. “Well done indeed. Shall we all retire to the smoking room for a well deserved glass of brandy.”

“We shall, my dear friend,” professor Willywhisk replied.

The learned men filed out of the room, leaving only the young man standing next to the device on the table, still babbling on about the “anti-fascist struggle of Novorossiya,” and how “Russian imperialism is actually imperialism of a new type, with a progressive nature insofar as it stands opposed to the more powerful American/NATO hegemonic imperialism.”