Tag Archives: Episode VII

My totally serious, iconoclastic Star Wars review

It occurred to me that with all the excitement of the end of the year I forgot to provide my personal review of The Force Awakens. Well here it is, and this is totally serious.

I had high expectations for Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. This movie was supposed to bring me back to my childhood and not only rekindle that childlike sense of wonder, but also make up for all the shitty things that happened in said childhood. Did it do that? No. It utterly failed, I’m still an adult, and I still never owned my own copy of Strider for my Sega Genesis. For this, J.J. Abrams is literally Adolf Hitler, and I hereby declare the prequels, and in particular The Phantom Menace, as better than The Force Awakens.

I have other gripes as well…

First of all, the movie is a total rip off of Episode IV. In no way will I think on the fact that Episode IV was a rip off of several other film genres plus WWII. Nor will I consider all the things which were totally different in this movie compared to Episode IV. I will also not consider the fact that for many young people, Episode IV looks “lame” and thus this gives them an opportunity to experience a story with similar beats to the 1977 original yet in a visual style they can better appreciate. I’m very sorry, but Star Wars was made for me personally.

I also refuse to accept the argument that Episode IV’s success was largely due to a very reliable formula, and that perhaps Abrams was trying to get the new trilogy back on track after the former disasters/now masterpieces that were the prequels. I’m sure the next two films will be total shot-for-shot remakes of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. I bet J.J. Abdolfhitler will even bring Vader back to life.

Kylo Ren is so emotional and whiny! Not like Luke Skywalker, who certainly never got whiny and emotional just because he was told he had to work another season on his uncle’s farm. In the beginning of the movie I automatically decided that Kylo Ren is the next Vader, ergo he must act more Vader like. It’s not like this could be the beginning of some kind of character arc whereby Ren learns to control his emotions and increase his power, for better or worse. That’s impossible.

There were too many boom mics in the shots. Some scenes are nothing but boom mics.

 

So there you have it. My review of the worst film ever made. They should have slapped the opening titles and text crawl on a copy of The Room and made that Episode VII.

 

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Star Wars fans, this is an intervention

Hello, Star Wars fans. Please come in and have a seat. Take a seat right over there…

Okay I’m sorry, that was a bad joke I know. This is not the time for that. But really, please sit down. I’m here with all your loved ones and the people who care about you. This isn’t about judging anyone; we’re concerned about you and we want you to sit down and see how your behavior is affecting us.

Recently, the world was stunned by the trailer for Episode VII: The Force Awakens. I saw it myself. We all did. And I have to say, it doesn’t look bad. It wasn’t too cartoony, I didn’t see any little kids, this might not be terrible. It could even be very good. But see then I saw you guys and you were doing this:

And see that’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. Don’t you remember? Don’t you remember how you sounded so many years ago? Do you really not remember? Then let me remind you:

Yeah, that was you back in 1999. Now do you remember?

Alright, look, I realize that The Phantom Menace trailer, in its time, might not have told you anything about how terrible the film was going to be. We were innocent in those days; we trusted trailers to be honest and Star Wars movies to be groundbreaking- history in the making. I can’t say that I hated it when I saw it- I figured this was Star Wars, made by George Lucas- he must know better than me. Instead of hate I just felt this, uneasiness. I balled my inconvenient questions up and suppressed them for over a decade.

Then again many of you were much bigger Star Wars fans than I ever was. Don’t you remember the disappointment you felt? Can’t you feel those deep wounds? We’re talking about films which were so terrible, you can suddenly come up with new plot holes even as you explain the plot holes you already know about. Just the other day I was trying to explain the problems with the prequels to my wife and I suddenly remembered that Chewbacca meets Yoda in Episode III. Okay, fine, how did this conversation not happen on the Millennium Falcon in Episode IV:

Chewie: MRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Han: What’s that Chewie? Yeah he is a Jedi knight. Did you hear our little debate about blasters vs. lightsabers just now?

Chewie: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARAAAAH!!!

Han: Really? No kidding? Hey Mr. Kenobi, Chewie here says he met a Jedi master once, back on his home planet. He says you wouldn’t forget something like that because some time later all the Jedi were wiped out and they’ve been almost unheard of for so long that knowing a Jedi is a pretty big deal these days.

Obi-Wan: Really? Who was that Jedi master? Was it?

Chewie: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARH!!!

Han: Uh…Yoga. No, Yoda! Does the name Yoda ring a bell?

Obi-Wan: Of course! He’s the most important Jedi master ever. He trained me! Hey Luke, Yoda’s this important Jedi master that you will definitely have to meet at some point if you plan to continue on the path of the Jedi knight. Just one thing though, he’s a little green guy with point ears, so you know, don’t go looking around for some kind of great warrior or something.

Seriously, how did that not happen? How?

You see what I mean? Now look, I know you see a lot of classic Star Wars imagery in these trailers and you’re excited. But you have to remember that sometimes it’s a trick to garner your loyalty by using nostalgia. The prequels did that all the time.

Granted, these are sequels so if they aren’t great, at least they won’t be ruining films you loved. Who knows, maybe they can even undo some of the damage from the past. For example, some character could say something like: “Midi-chlorians? Nonsense. That was a myth in the Old Republic, specifically spread to limit the number of Jedi and make sure we got only the best. More Jedi would have meant more potential Sith, so the old masters devised a way of making the worthy believe their force sensitivity was something unique to them. After the rise of the empire and the extermination of the Jedi, there was simply no point in maintaining the charade…” We can only hope. Hope is all we have.

The issue, dear Star Wars fans, is that I remember what you went through that last time, and I can’t bear to see you go through it again. We can’t bear that. Well, actually, yeah we can bear it. That would be hilarious.

Alright then, go nuts!