Category Archives: Satire

Hybrid War on Christmas by Gen. Valery Gerasimov

What follows are excerpts from a lesser known article by current Chief of the Russian Armed Forces’ General Staff, General of the Army Valery Gerasimov. It was first published in 2013 under the title “Special, Non-Linear, and Hybrid War on Christmas” in the Zhurnal Voiny Protiv Rozhdestva (Journal of the War Against Christmas).

In the 21st century we have seen a tendency toward blurring the lines between the states of peaceful coexistence with Christmas and waging war against it. Wars on Christmas are no longer declared and, having begun, proceed according to an unfamiliar template. This is in stark contrast to what we traditionally understand as War on Christmas or Anti-Christmas Warfare. Whereas those traditional methods as a rule involved open, kinetic anti-Christmas warfare, changes in the 21st century have made this strategy wholly obsolete, and thus we find ourselves in need of a new doctrine, a 4th Generation War on Christmas.

In order to understand why such an evolution is necessary, we must first analyze the massive changes which have occurred in the past three decades when it comes to the Christmas battlespace. There was a time when anti-Christmas warfare was a simple matter of saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” At this same time, the typical campaign season began the day after Thanksgiving. However trends have shifted for two very important reasons. One reason is the tendency for Thanksgiving to fall as much as eight days before the end of November, adding considerable additional time for deployment long before December even begins. Here we may also include the fact that in recent years the Christmas campaign season has actually started to overlap with the Thanksgiving holiday, so that planners can no longer take it for granted that Christmas-related conflict will begin no sooner than the day after Thanksgiving, i.e. Black Friday. But it is the second major change which merits extra scrutiny, as it forms the main impetus for a sea change in Christmas warfighting doctrine.

Lessons from the Obama Administration

America’s first Kenyan, Muslim, Marxist President, Barack Obama, can be credited for setting in motion the process which would totally upend everything we once knew about the science of Christmas warfare. As is well known, Obama took kinetic war on Christmas to its most extreme form, beginning with the outright ban on the phrase “Merry Christmas” in public sphere and from that point continuing with measures of increasing tempo and intensity, from drone and conventional fixed-wing airstrikes against nativity scenes to a targeted assassination campaign against shopping mall Santa Clauses. It is believed that the final straw was when the administration replaced the Santas with drag queens who handed out copies of The Communist Manifesto or Rules for Radicals to children. With such harsh policies on Christmas, a backlash was inevitable.

And eventually that backlash came in the form of Donald J. Trump, the president who succeeded Obama in 2017, in part due to our generous help the help of patriotic hackers which theoretically could be located on the territory of the Russian Federation. Trump’s first act as president was to sign an executive order lifting the hated ban on the phrase “Merry Christmas.” Shortly thereafter, he ended the air campaign against nativity scenes and other Christmas infrastructure such as public Christmas trees, Christmas lights, and Santa villages. Candy canes became fully legalized once more.

This reversal was welcomed by many, but in conjunction with the new conditions mentioned in the previous section, it has led to a new battlespace in which the lines are no longer clear, both in time and space. As such, this creates certain limitations, but also certain opportunities for Christmas and Counter-Christmas warfare, if only a commander has the imagination to embrace and exploit them.

Whereas in the past War on Christmas traditionally entailed engaging in open kinetic Christmas warfare from just before the start of business hours on Black Friday, now it can be waged not only before Black Friday and indeed, before Thanksgiving, without incurring backlash in the form of kinetic warfare. This is made possible by engaging in what has been called alternatively Hybrid War on Christmas, Non-Linear War on Christmas, Special War on Christmas, or most accurately- Full Spectrum Warfare on Christmas. Rather than going directly from a state of peace into a state of War on Christmas in open kinetic operations, the Hybrid War on Christmas commander may wage operations below the threshold of conventional War on Christmas within a spectrum of different Christmas battlespaces, for example political, economic, or informational. There is even the option to engage in limited kinetic warfare in conjunction with the other three battlespaces so as to create plausible deniability and thus avoid the appearance of being an aggressor. Whatever the case, the Hybrid War on Christmas practitioner always holds the initiative, is always able to determine when to escalate or deescalate, and it is this flexibility that gives a hybrid Christmas warfighting force far more maneuverability and flexibility to respond to the strategic or tactical situation as it demands.

Balancing the Forces

Unfortunately,  Russia has been slow to adopt this form of 4th Generation War on Christmas, if only because our own Christmas holiday does not coincide with the calendar in most NATO countries, most notably the United States. Besides this, it is not as emphasized as New Year’s. This has allowed the US and its NATO allies to wage hybrid Christmas Warfare against Russia, threatening our vital interests. Thus, it is necessary for our Armed Forces to keep pace with the times. This means not only creating a new branch dedicated solely to Christmas and Counter-Christmas warfare, but also ensuring that this force can counter Western hybrid methods with hybrid methods of our own. By maximizing our usage of this new doctrine and taking full advantage of the flexibility it provides, our country can offset the massive numerical and economic advantages (e.g. production of candy canes -V.V.G.) the West has over us in the Christmas sphere.

In this case, creativity and ingenuity are the keys to victory. For example, our Grandfathers Frost can dress in the traditional Western Santa Claus uniforms, allowing them to easily infiltrate shopping malls throughout the US without suspicion. When they have achieved relative superiority, they may go into action against holiday displays, gingerbread houses, and other Christmas infrastructure, i.e. initiate kinetic warfare, while officially our nation remains at peace with Christmas. Rather than acknowledge their identity as Grandfathers Frost, we can use our information warfare infrastructure to convince others that these are simply local, Western Santa Clauses who are fed up with the holiday season and demanding their own rights. In another, more extreme scenario, we might consider launching Iskander or Kalibr cruise missiles at targets in the North Pole. Due to the lack of media and information coming from the region, it would be fairly easy to attribute blame for the attack on Santa Claus’ Workshop on a third party, such as Ukraine, the United States, or a local extremist group such as the Elvish State of Greenland and the North Pole (known by the Elvish acronym Elsgan), or Reindeer Sektor.* As Russia would officially deny all involvement, observers will not be able to blame Russia with absolute certainty, and thus be unable to initiate kinetic Christmas operations without escalating first and appearing to be the aggressor.

We ignore the danger of Hybrid or Non-linear War on Christmas at our own nation’s peril. Already the West has been waging it against us, taking advantage of our unconventional calendar and our lack of a commercial society during the Soviet-era. For this reason, we must not only adopt these forms of Christmas warfare, but we must in fact develop them and revolutionize them until we have developed our own doctrine for hybrid Christmas warfare which allows us to seize the initiative from our future opponents and achieve our winter holiday goals without provoking a situation in which we are forced to fight Christmas at a disadvantage in quantity and quality. In short, this hybrid, full spectrum War on Christmas doctrine must become the Christmas warfare doctrine of the Russian Armed Forces, and in particular, the newly created Christmas Forces.

Toward this end, I close by wishing my staff and all our officers and servicemen very happy holidays.

V.V. Gerasimov

*The Elvish State of Greenland and the North Pole (Elsgan), and Reindeer Sektor are extremist organizations and illegal in the territory of the Russian Federation.

 

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Greek Foreign Minister Says Ukraine Is Security Threat, Keeps Getting Invaded and Occupied by Russia

BRUSSELS- Greek Foreign Minister for Alternate Realities Nikos Xydakis said that Ukraine remains a “constant problem for European security,” due to what he calls Ukraine’s “perpetual propensity for getting in the way of Russian troops movements.” According to him, Eastern Europe would be far more stable if Ukraine could devise a way to not get invaded and occupied by Russia, which is “saddled with a major economic, political, and logistical burden” as it is forced to occupy the territory that Ukraine carelessly left in the path of Russian military units on the march.

“It’s not just Russian soldiers that keep finding their path obstructed by Ukraine,” Xydakis said.

“Ukraine has repeatedly gotten in the way of military aircraft, naval vessels, and even artillery shells fired from Russian territory for training purposes. How are Russia and Europe to cope with one country constantly sitting there like someone blocking a fire exit?”

Some experts agree with the Greek official, though they differ on the details. Italian Member of Parliament from the right-of-center “Mussolini Non Ha Fatto Nulla di Male!” Party Giampaolo Balbo says the problem is with Ukraine’s “behavior.”

“Look at that country, with its big inviting steppes and flat sprawling countryside.” Balbo said.

“It’s practically asking to be ravaged by Russian armored columns. If Ukraine doesn’t want to be invaded, maybe it shouldn’t look like it does. It’s all about self-respect.”

Meanwhile it’s difficult to to quantify just how much of an obstacle Ukraine is. Ukraine’s total area constitutes 233,062 sq mi, making it the 45th largest country in the world by area, and very difficult to maneuver around for Russian Battalion Tactical Groups, the main operational unit of the modern Russian army. This has led some experts to concur with Vladimir Putin and other Russian officials who deny responsibility for occupying the country after it blocked the path of the Russian military.

According to Russian Presidential Spokesman Dmitry Peskov, alternatives to the problem of getting around Ukraine were considered, but rejected for practical reasons.

“We tried looking for alternative ways around Ukraine, believe me,” Peskov said, admitting for the first time that Russian troops were in Ukraine but denying responsibility for their presence there.

“Our best engineers considered everything from tunnels to massive elevated bridges, but these all proved prohibitively expensive. And since Ukraine so rudely got in the way of our marching armies, we really have no choice but to leave them there until we can think up a suitable way to return them.”

Russian Coast Guard Officer Says Ukrainian Sailor ‘Was Reaching for His Waistband’

TAGANROG- The commander of the Russian coast guard vessel that was involved in the 25 November attack on three Ukrainian naval ships in international waters told reporters that he had to ram one of the Ukrainian vessels because he observed “threatening behavior” from one of its crew.

“As we approached the Ukrainian vessel, which to my mind looked suspiciously out of place at that hour, I suddenly saw one of the Ukrainian sailors on deck appeared to be reaching for his waistband,” the Russian officer said.

At that point, he said he “feared for his life” and gave the order to ram the ship, which led to the subsequent attack on all three Ukrainian vessels and their capture along with their crews.

Russian military expert Gregory Sellers explained what he believes is the reasoning behind this new narrative.

“You have to understand that the Kremlin, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, the Ministry of Defense, the state media channels- they all watch us and design their tactics accordingly based on what looks like it works over here.”

According to Sellers, Russian authorities may have started appropriating the language and defensive strategies of American police departments after shootings involving unarmed civilians.

“They look at American society and they see how police seem to routinely get away with murder by publicly claiming to be cowards who demand total obedience and deference at all times or else they will respond with deadly force,” Sellers said.

“If police officers in the US can get away with fatally shooting an unarmed black man talking on his phone while on his own property, they assume they could get away with using lethal force against Ukrainian ships in international waters.”

There has been some evidence that the approach may be convincing to some. Hours after the Russian coast guard officer gave his explanation of the event, some NATO officials and diplomats seemed to rethink their earlier condemnations and give the Russians the benefit of the doubt.

“If the Ukrainian sailors on the tugboat had just done what the Russians told them, none of this would have happened,” said Colonel Kurt Reinhard, a German representative to NATO.

“Let’s face it, these coast guard sailors have to make split-second life-or-death decisions on a daily basis,” said Maria Corelli, an Italian Member of the European Parliament.

“Let’s not forget the Russian boats were also damaged in the attack,” said one State Department spokesperson. “Boats damage each other all the time. Don’t all watercraft matter?”

“The media never talks about all the Ukrainian-on-Ukrainian violence,” said a Dutch diplomat.

After the Russian officer’s report was published, Russia’s Investigative Committee examined the account as well as videos of the incident, and concluded that the captain had acted appropriately and had not committed any infractions.

“All available evidence conclusively proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Captain (NAME REDACTED) acted in full compliance with all relevant regulations and only resorted to force after observing a credible threat which made him reasonably fear for his own life and that of his crew,” the final report reads.

“The Ukrainian crew failed to promptly comply with instructions and one of them made a hostile movement by lowering his hand to his waist, leading Captain (NAME REDACTED) to believe that the Ukrainian was potentially reaching for a weapon.”

The captain and his crew have already been recommended to receive state rewards for their actions that day.

 

Dispatches from Europe’s Hidden War With Jordan B. Peterson

Editor’s note: Jordan B. Peterson is the only Western correspondent in Ukraine, visiting the front lines and covering the ongoing secret war in Europe that the Western liberal cuck media doesn’t want you to know about! He’s been shot at by Russian-backed separatists and thrown into dumpsters on several occasions by Ukrainian military personnel, volunteers, relief workers, OSCE SMM observers, clergy, Plast scouts, and on one occasion, a live bear, although Jordan maintains that he got in a few good smacks in the process. Without further ado, The Heritage Foundation Presents: Daily Outrage Magazine brings you Peterson’s latest dispatch!

When I first arrived in Bakhmut I was concerned at the lack of steak restaurants. As many of my readers know, I have been on an all-beef diet for some time in an attempt to push my testosterone levels ever higher and suppress the chaotic estrogen which stealthily lurks within the body of all males, always waiting for the opportune moment to strike and take over their testicles one and for all. Ukraine has a noted lack of steakhouses. Many restaurants sell “kutlety,” which do contain a good deal of beef but are also commonly tainted with pork and other non-beef ingredients, which while indistinguishable to the palate, still leaves a virile male dangerously vulnerable to a surprise estrogen-led testicular coup d’etat. And because I cannot slap dishonest and wily estrogen in the face as I would surely do to anything else that might threaten my overwhelming masculinity, the beef-only diet is my only option. Luckily I managed to find a butcher shop that would sell me large cuts of meat ahead of time. I would be forced to cook my own meals over the next few days, but this was far preferable to failing to follow my strict gastronomic regimen and succumbing to the chaos.

My first impressions of Bakhmut, like my first impression of the Donbas as a whole, is that it is a very messy place. Certainly Donbas residents could solve 90% of their problems if they just cleaned their towns. People are constantly screaming about pensions, Russian invaders, and corrupt local gangsters, but they are unwilling to take the most elementary steps towards self-improvement and self-realization. As I always say, you must get your own house in order, bucko, and certainly the people in the Donbas should start with this right away. Things like corruption or a Russian invasion are just methods by which they shirk responsibility for the chaos in their own lives, and it shows by the mess everywhere. I tried pointing this out some residents waiting at a bus stop, and this incidentally it was the first time I was unceremoniously thrown into a dumpster by these ungrateful degenerates. They were indeed fortunate that I had not yet consumed my daily allotment of 2kg of beef at that point in the day, because if I had I can assure you it would have been a bloodbath. A bloodbath consisting of their blood, not mine. This is the way of natural law. This is the lion of order locked in eternal struggle against the dragon of chaos.

In truth this whole mess could be traced to the so-called “Maidan” revolution which culminated in February of 2014. Right away I could tell things would go wrong seeing as how Maidan was essentially a protest movement, and protesting is an arrogant and pointless endeavor. Arrogant because by protesting you are telling the world that you know how to do things better than those above you in the natural hierarchy. Pointless because individuals trying to change the world are entertaining a delusion since they cannot possibly change the world but they can only change themselves as individuals. It’s ludicrous to talk about standing up to so-called “tyrants” when one isn’t willing to just stand up straight, with one’s shoulders back, projecting dominance much like the mighty lobster.

lobster

A paragon of virtue who embodies the kind of dominant personality the Maidan protesters should have adopted for themselves instead of making a mess of things. 

By unleashing the dragons of chaos in their own capital, the Ukrainians have left their country vulnerable not only to Russian invasion, but something even worse- Derrida inspired post-modernist neo-Marxism. Sure, Ukraine’s Institution of National Memory claims to have carried out so-called “decommunization,” which superficially seems like it would immunize the country against such totalitarian philosophies, but it isn’t hard to imagine that decommunization could become recommunization. With their striving to join chaos-infested Europe, it is only a matter of time before people in this country are, like in Canada, compelled to use different pronouns and gender-neutral language, which may seem insignificant at first, but will inevitably lead to another Holodomor. Five Holodomors, all at the same time, in fact.

Some may say my concern over pronouns and traditional gender concepts is nothing but alarmism. But what if I were to tell you, dear readers, that the Ukrainian language, much like the Russian language, has not two, but three genders? Worse still, adjectives and past tense verbs are literally forced to agree with the self-identified gender of the noun they are connected to, even if that gender is neither male nor female but, as they called it, “neuter.” Clearly this legacy of Stalin and the Bolsheviks is so deeply rooted in this country that its chaotic ideology is interwoven with the language itself.

Getting back to my trip to Bakhmut, I had an opportunity to see many members of the Ukrainian armed forces. They truly embody a great many of the classic Jungian heroic archetypes, from the young hero on a journey of self-realization to the wise mentor and the mildly irritated vampire wizard. My only concern was that they have foolishly invited chaos dragons into their own army, by which I mean they have females serving as soldiers as opposed to state-regulated concubines to reward males. I wanted to warn them of the dangers of doing male professions and looking attractive in the workplace, but unfortunately I speak neither Ukrainian nor Russian, and I do not plan to learn as I categorically refuse to learn a language that would compel me to recognize three genders. From there it is only a short leap to the Gulag Archipelago. In any case I can only hope that the right-minded men of the Ukrainian armed forces will rein in these rebellious women before it’s too late, especially those three who threw me in a dumpster while I was trying to warn them about the sexual connotations of wearing lipstick via pantomime.

One warning I would give to would-be visitors is that public bathroom facilities are often poorly maintained, so plan accordingly. Naturally this didn’t pose a problem to me thanks to my all-beef diet, which allows me to go weeks on end without having to defecate. Also if you plan to give any lectures on the dangers posed to Western civilization by neo-Marxist feminism, you may be disappointed to find the young people inattentive and generally insolent. This one nine-year-old girl was acting insanely defiant while I was yelling at her about the virtues of arranged marriage and government enforce monogamy, and I was right about to slap her silly when a crowd of her classmates treacherously ambushed me from behind and threw me in a dumpster. Rest assured this is not over. Mess with the alpha lobster and you will get the claw.

As I rode the bus back to the train station in the nearby town of Kostianynivka, I was at least relieved to get out of the city after sundown, as it is apparent that this part of the country is almost certain to be infested with witches. And as I was riding on that train back to Kyiv, I couldn’t help but think while devouring my last chunk of raw beef that perhaps I was riding on a chaos dragon now, swaying back and forth as it sped through the steppe like estrogen coursing through the veins of this modern society’s soy-fed young males.

In the end I realized there was little hope for this land. The chaos has claimed it. It is a messy teenager’s room which no one wants to clean. So to President Petro Poroshenko, who so often demands help from the West against Russian aggression, I can only offer these words of sage-like advice: Sort yourself out, bucko.

Also do not think I have forgiven you for throwing me in that dumpster. You have made a powerful enemy, Chocolate man!

Ukrainian Armed Forces Receive Deep Concerns From US, EU Members

YAVORIV- The Ukrainian Armed Forces have just received the first shipment of “deep concerns” as part of a multinational military aid package in response to last Sunday’s incident in the Kerch Strait, where Russian coast guard ships attacked and captured three Ukrainian naval vessels along with their crews. Almost immediately after the incident was reported, representatives from the US and several of its NATO allies immediately announced their intentions to send aid to Ukraine in the form of both “concerns” and later “deep concerns” in order to counter Russia’s actions.

One State Department official told reporters on Monday that the Trump administration had also considered sending “grave concerns,” but this was later canceled so as “to avoid provoking escalation from the Russian side.” Meanwhile, experts disagree on whether the White House’s response was adequate or too provocative given the danger of opening another front in the conflict between the government in Kiev and rebel separatists in the east who are extremely well supplied, wear uniforms and equipment almost identical to that of the Russian armed forces, have more tanks and armored vehicles than some NATO countries, and whose leadership has historically contained a conspicuously high number of Russian citizens since their movement suddenly appeared in the spring of 2014.

“Deep concerns are not nearly enough if you want to send the right message to Putin,” said Anders Auslander, a fellow at a DC-based think tank.

“The only way you are going to raise the costs and deter him from further aggression is to equip Ukraine’s military with extremely grave concerns. There’s simply no other way.”

Other experts, however, suggest that even mild concern could provoke all-out war, possibly drawing the US and its allies into the conflict.

“We have to see things from Moscow’s point of view,” says Steve Kuhn, a professor of Soviet-Russian history.

“For years they’ve been watching as the US and NATO constantly express concern about Russia. If you want to start World War III, I can’t think of a better way than to arm the Ukrainian nationalists with more concerns, especially deep concerns.”

Meanwhile, Ukrainian military personnel are struggling to distribute the concerns and train personnel on how to use them while they are on full alert for a possible Russian ground invasion.

“I don’t understand how we’re supposed to use these,” says Roman Bondarenko, 27, a lieutenant in one of Ukraine’s mechanized infantry brigades.

“All these shipping containers with NATO markings arrived at the rail depot, but when we opened them they were empty. Nothing but air.”

Serhii Hopko, 19, is a soldier in Bondarenko’s platoon who also expressed his disappointment with the latest shipment of NATO military aid.

“We hear reports that the Russians are moving tens of thousands of troops and hundreds of tanks to the border, and we’re supposed to fight with this,” he said, gesturing to the empty shipping container behind him.

conext

KIEV- US Air Force crews unload the first shipment of deep concerns to aid Ukraine’s military in the face of renewed threats from Russia over access to the sea of Azov

Meanwhile, Russian officials slammed the decision to aid Ukraine’s military with deep concerns as “irresponsible” and a “clear provocation.”

“This simply shows that our Western partners are not interested in creating lasting peace in the Donbass, but rather irresponsibly encouraging the Poroshenko regime to escalate the war further,” Russian Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman Maria Zakharova wrote on her official Facebook page.

Zakarhova also warned that Russia would be forced to take “appropriate, and proportional measures” in response to the new aid package. While it is not entirely clear what those measures might entail, military analysts and open source investigators have been monitoring Russian military activity in the region and believe they have already seen signs of a response.

“Based on intelligence provided via satellite imaging, social media, and other open source information, it would appear that Russia is already responding to NATO’s concerns and deep concerns with additional main battle tanks and attack helicopters,” said one Pentagon analyst.

A Bad Cartoon

This cartoon:

pokemon

I hate it. It keeps popping up in my feed, usually for the purpose of mockery, but it still makes me angry. This is less funny than a New Yorker cartoon. This has no point whatsoever. I get what the boomer/possibly elderly cartoonist was going for here, and yet it still sucks because there could have been an actual joke in this. Hell, even Hillary Clinton’s “Pokemon go to the polls” line was a better joke than this. I have to dissect this. I have to do a fucking autopsy on this abomination.

Let’s start with the really freakin’ obvious- the kid likes Pokemon Go. “Oh but how do you know that?” you ask, dickishly. “What makes you so sure?” Yes, the cartoonist actually lazier than Jim “I’ll-make-a-cat-that-has-no-job-but-hates-Mondays” Davis was thorough enough to give him a T-shirt that says “I (heart) Pokemon Go” on it, plus the phone appears to say Pokemon Go on its screen. Why not just go full-on Ben Garrison and label the kid “POKEMON GO FANATIC?”

Alright now, let’s get to Dad. Ah yes, suburban boomer dad whose wife is having an affair if there’s any justice in this world. What can’t we say about him? I mean is this guy surprised his kid’s not interested in the thrilling bedtime story that is “Jack and Jill?” Forget Pokemon Go for a second; that kid would probably rather listen to Day of the Jackal than a stupid poem. You’ve got to read the room. When I was little, my mother found ways to reuse children’s books in ways that kept me interested, for example, she’d read all the words in the book backwards- the individual words, not the story itself. Let me tell you to a four-year-old, that routine simply kills. And that’s how you take a 25-page children’s book and stretch it so it goes further. Oh yeah and speaking of books….

WHY ON ALLAH’S GREEN EARTH is he reading “Jack and Jill” out of a book? The entire poem is six lines. SIX GODDAMNED LINES! Boomer dad hasn’t memorized that poem by now? What was he like: “What will I tell little (INSERT WASP-IEST NAME IMAGINABLE HERE) for a bedtime story? I know! I’ll tell him that old chestnut, “Jack and Jill.” Young people love that classic! How’s it go? Oh right! Jack and Jill went up the hill to…uh…err. What were they doing again? Darn it I’d better go get my leatherbound hardback edition of stupid poems kids are taught in kindergarten!” You incompetent son of a bitch. You fraud.

And that’s that. The dad tries to read a stupid poem to his kid and the kid, in the most diplomatic way possible, tries to steer the conversation towards Pokemon Go because frankly, he’s under a lot of stress. He hears Mom and Dad arguing. The game helps him focus and take his mind off of it. His teachers, while somewhat concerned about all their pupils’ obsession with the game, notes that he is in a good mood and socializes well with others because they’re playing the game too. He’s not an outcast like the neighbor boy whose parents, equally lame as the dad here, expressly forbid him to play Pokemon Go like all the normal kids his age.

In short, son doesn’t want to hear about your dumbass poem and pails of water. Maybe you could tell him some of your heroic war stories- oh wait, you don’t have any, because back in the 60’s you were taking advantage of the post-war boom to douse yourself in sex and drugs, only to make a complete 180 degree turn later in life and vote to destroy the country and environment election after election because you want more tax cuts. And what will you spend that extra money on? Bullshit from Home Depot or Bed, Bath, and Beyond, because you never accomplished anything of merit, because you never knew what struggle was. You’re idea of an accomplishment is putting on a great Super Bowl Party and showing off your workbench you never use because you have no actual skills, your flatscreen TV (it’s three inches bigger than next-door Dave’s!), and your new BBQ grill.

There. There’s the dumbest cartoon ever to be put on paper. It’s even dumber than Ben Garrison’s work, if only because Garrison, as batshit insane as he is, tries to make a point. Even the dumbest point ever serves some purpose in this world gone mad. This technophobic boomerific cartoon does none of that. It killed trees and nothing more. This is the kind of thing that drives characters in Lovecraft stories insane just from staring at it too long. Hell maybe that’s what happened to me after seeing this imbecilic trash pop up in so many places on this cursed labyrinth they call the internet. Maybe it’s already happening to you too. Embrace madness.

 

 

Real True Story That Actually Was Happened!

Once there was liberal Ukrainian Banderite professor teaching in university in St. Petersburg. He wanted to teach class in gay studies or history of Nazi Germany but because is Russia they made him teach history of Great Patriotic War. He did not like this so he decided to teach his own way.

Each day he would teach things like how America won Second World War or how Hitler and Stepan Bandera were heroes. All the students hate him but he was really loud and unpleasant so they say nothing.

Then one day he asks if anyone in class thinks that Russia won the Second World War, and all students raise hand. So he stands on box next to podium and says: “If Russia won Second World War, and not Stepan Bandera, let Marshal Zhukov come in and knock me off this box!”

All students look around and nothing was happened. The professor smiled with his eyes closed and there was only silence. But just then, one student in the class got up. His name was Tolya and he was member of Russian naval infantry, Baltic Fleet. He had just returned from deployment in Syria where he was fighting with American-supported Islamic State* terrorists.

Tolya did not say single word. He got up, walked up to professor, and punched him in face so he fell off box. Then Naval Infantry Tolya spoke.

“Marshal Zhukov was busy, so he sent ME!” 

Professor then started to cry and admitted that Crimea was always part of Russia.

And whole classroom stood up and clapped! Is true story!

Please share with friends and family!

 

 

*Islamic State is illegal in Russian Federation!