Category Archives: Satire

Russian Aircraft Carrier Suspected in Robbery

MALAGA- Spanish law enforcement authorities suspect that the Russian aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov may have been involved in the armed robbery of a supermarket in Costa Del Sol.

Investigators have submitted a request to inspect the Russian naval vessel to the Russian Foreign Ministry and Ministry of Defense, according to the National Police Corps’ press office.

“Based on eyewitness statements and security camera footage from the store, we have decided to pursue the Admiral Kuznetsov as a per- ship of interest in the robbery case,” said Alejandro Ramirez, the lead investigator on the case.

Spanish authorities noted that the aging aircraft carrier, which passed by Spain during its voyage back to Russia after completing its military mission in the eastern Mediterranean, had already been implicated in another incident in Madrid one week earlier.


READ MORE- Russian Aircraft Carrier Kills 4 Pandas on its Way Home


On the night of 18 January, cashier Pilar Espinoza noticed that her small supermarket was rapidly filling with smoke. At first she suspected a fire, but seconds later one of the shop’s walls collapsed entirely and she heard a loud, booming voice demand all the money in the register.

“I couldn’t get a good look at him, or it, because of all the smoke, of course,” Espinoza told a local news outlet.

“I just threw the money in the direction of the voice, and when the smoke cleared I saw this giant trench running from the store back in the direction of the beach. It was like some giant monster just dragged itself out of the sea.”

Meanwhile, Moscow has refused to even consider the Spanish request, denying any connection between the robbery and the Admiral Kuznetsov.

“It’s simply absurd- no foreigners will be allowed to inspect one of our naval vessels after making such baseless accusations,” Russian Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman Maria Zakharova wrote on her personal Facebook page.

Russia’s Ministry of Defense also slammed the request, dismissing claims that the aircraft carrier had been involved with any mishaps while at sea.

“Preposterous. The Admiral Kuznetsov had nothing to do with this incident,” said Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu.

“I have been reliably informed that the carrier successfully completed its mission in the Mediterranean and has definitely not become self-aware nor malevolent. I am saying this entirely of my own volition.”

It is expected that Spanish authorities may appeal to Angela Merkel to present their case to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

 

Russian Aircraft Carrier Kills 4 Pandas on its Way Home

MADRID- The Russian aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov killed four giant pandas at the Zoo Aquarium de Madrid on Monday.

Officials from the park confirmed that male panda Bing Xing and female panda Hua Zui Ba were inexplicably crushed to death by the Russian carrier, which was returning to its home port after combat operations in the eastern Mediterranean Sea.

The pair’s two cubs, Po and De De, died by smoke inhalation from the aircraft carrier’s exhaust.

deadpanda

Zoo employees pay their final respects to De De, one of the four pandas who died on Monday.

The zoo’s press service declined to give further comment on the matter, citing that they were “reeling from the shock” of an aircraft carrier somehow managing to sail through Madrid.

The Russian Ministry of Defense made a number of comments regarding the incident, including “the pandas were acting in a threatening manner,” and “you never had any pandas.

The Ministry of Defense spokesman summed up his response by stating that Spain “had no right to lecture Russia regarding the death of the pandas, insofar as it devastated the population of the Americas from 1492 onward.”

The captain of the Admiral Kuznetsov suggested the accident might have been caused by a faulty arresting gear.

“We’ve had repeated problems with that arresting gear,” said Captain Sergei Artamonov, the ship’s commanding officer. “I’m not saying any pandas were killed, but if they were, it was probably that.”

The Russian aircraft carrier and its attending ships resumed course back to their home port after the unscheduled detour through central Spain.

Older Than You Realize

The Story of the Mongols Whom We Call Tartars by Friar Giovanni de Pian del Carpini is one of the most important primary sources on the Mongol invasion of Europe and Mongols in general. Giovanni was sent as an emissary to the Mongol Great Khan in beginning in 1245, four years after the disastrous battle of Legnica in which the Mongols had devastated much of Europe’s best armies of the time.  The aim was to determine whether or not the Mongols planned to press their invasion into the Holy Roman Empire, and preferably to prevent this possibility by offering Christian baptism to the Great Khan.

The source is important because it gives us a clear description of Mongol customs, beliefs, and behavior. However, at one point when the author is in the then-conquered lands of Rus, the story goes a bit off the rails.

If you’re not used to reading medieval primary sources, it can sometimes be a bit of a shock to see how casually an author goes from describing realistic things we can easily imagine, to descriptions of obviously mythical beasts, monsters, or otherwise supernatural beings or phenomena with no setup whatsoever. People were simply more credulous in those days.

Giovanni goes from things like describing Mongol camp life to talking about the Mongols’ invasion of Central Asia and Eastern Europe. In the process, he talks about how they encountered such things as a people who lived entirely underground, another race of people whose females were in human form but whose males were dogs that could freeze themselves and hurl their bodies at high speed against their opponents, and best of all- a race of strange people in the vicinity of Armenia who all have one leg and one arm. They would pair up to operate bows, and they would roll away quickly when attacked.

Obviously this was utter nonsense. What is interesting though is that to the best of my memory, Giovanni didn’t hear any of this from the Mongols themselves. They were related to them by various Rus princes he met earlier in his journey.

So there you have it. Russian “dezinformatsiya” dates back to at least the mid-13th century!

I’m available for commentary, fellowships, lectures, etc. You’re welcome.

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“The Holy Roman Emperor hateth us so! Surely we are great!” -Lady Margaret of Armenia

The Interview: Syria Edition

Early 2016

New York

Leyla, a 22-year-old Syrian-American girl, walks into an office for a job interview. She’s greeted by a sinister white-haired man seated behind a desk.

Leyla: Hello, I just wanted to thank you so much for reading my resume and giving me this opportunity to…

Man: No need for that. As soon as I read it I knew you were perfect for the job.

Leyla: Really? I mean as I said in my cover letter, I don’t have extensive experience as a social media manager but  I…

Man (laughing): Oh that! Social media manager…Right! No. Never mind that. Now that you’re hear, it’s time you learned what this job actually entails.

Leyla: Er…What…exactly is this?

Man: I work for George Soros, the most powerful man in the world. He’s a liberal Communist fascist Zionist who is funding Islamic fundamentalists and Ukrainian neo-Nazis in order to destroy Russia.

Leyla: Uh…I’ve heard of George Soros…but I didn’t know he uh…

Man: Is a liberal Communist fascist Zionist who funds Islamic fundamentalists and Ukrainian neo-Nazis in order to destroy Russia and all of Western Civilization?

Leyla: Yeah. That part. That sounds…uh…kind of contradict-

Man: Well it’s not. It makes perfect sense if you think about it, but there’s no time for that. Let me explain the position to you. You might want to take notes.

Leyla (taking out a pen and searching for paper): Right. Right. Okay. So if it’s not a social media manager position, what is it?

Man: Simple. You’re going to be a false flag actor.

Leyla: A what?

Man: I don’t know if you follow the news from your home country Syria…

Leyla: I was born in Queens.

Man: Whatever. Anyway, Aleppo is under siege. That brilliant fox, Vladimir Putin, and the equally clever Bashar al Assad have our jihadist Islamic State and al-Nusra forces surrounded and they’ve laid siege to the city. We need more people to go there and pretend to be poor, suffering civilians on ground. Your job will be to go on Twitter and maybe Facebook and tell people about how the Russians and government forces are bombing hospitals and schools even though they totally aren’t. Well, to be honest sometimes they do, but that’s only when the schools and hospitals are being used by the jihadist fighters we’re secretly funding. I don’t know where the Russians are getting their info! But I digress.

Leyla: Uh…Wait. Hold on. I have a few questions here to say the least. I don’t even know where to  begin. Maybe I should start with the part where I followed an ad that asked for a social media manager, and now you’re asking me to go to an active warzone.

Man: Yes, Aleppo. I thought we were past that point.

Leyla: And you said this Aleppo is full of jihadi terrorists.

Man: That’s correct. Everyone there is a terrorist. Some civilians might be held against their will, but rest assured that any civilian complaining about Russian or government bombing is one of our people.

Leyla: So you want me to go into this war zone, and live with Islamist jihadist terrorists?

Man: Yes, your job is to provide cover for them.

Leyla: Provide cover and propaganda for terrorists? Couldn’t the FBI arrest me for doing that? Couldn’t they arrest you for paying someone to do that?

Man: Uh…No.

Leyla: Why not?

Man: Because we control the Western world and the media. Soros, remember?

Leyla: Okay let’s forget that for a second. Why exactly would I be doing this?

Man: Again, it’s to gain sympathy for the terrorists in Syria. See you are, if you don’t mind me saying, a rather attractive young woman who can relate to Westerners. You’ll be on Twitter constantly, telling people about all the horrible atrocities of the government and their Russian backers. People will feel sympathy, and eventually there will be an outcry for Western military intervention even though we’ve been running this operation since 2011 and nothing like that has ever materialized.

Leyla: Why is that even necessary though? You just said that Soros, you, whoever, controls the Western world? Why doesn’t the US, maybe NATO, or something, just intervene already? You’ve had years to do something about it!

Man: No no no. You don’t understand how these things work. You need a pretext to go in. Western people won’t support a war without a good pretext.

Leyla: Oh like Iraq? WMDs? A lot of people protested that and they didn’t stop it. Bush was even reelected!

Man: Well you see that was our mistake. We were supposed to hire some people to plant WMDs in Iraq that the US forces would discover. Turns out the guy got sick though. That’s why we’re more conscientious these days. Hence the job.

Leyla: I can’t believe I’m even acting like I’m going to entertain this idea, but give me an example of something I’d actually be doing in this, job, as you call it.

Man: Glad you asked! Here’s an example. Let’s say the Russians bomb this building that is chock full of ISIS terrorists, who we’re funding, of course. What you’re going to do is go on Twitter and post a video where you say this was like, a hospital or a nursery school or something. You’ll have little child actors there ready to play the wounded. We even have fake child corpses too.

Leyla: Wow. That’s disgusting.

Man: Maybe, but quite realistic. We even have animatronic wounded children too. They’re so realistic the only way we’ll ever get discovered is if some really obsessive shut in goes through them frame by frame and analyzes ever little pixel.

Leyla: Yes that sounds amazing but more importantly, you said when a building gets bombed. You’re sending me to an active war zone, where people get bombed.  Where I can get bombed!

Man: Well yes, of course, but only for a little while. If you work hard and gain enough sympathy, I’m sure NATO will declare a no-fly zone, if not launch a full-scale invasion of the country.

Leyla: Right, and how do I know when they do that I won’t be labeled a terrorist by them, since you said I’m going to be working for terrorists?

Man: They won’t do that.

Leyla: Why wouldn’t they do that?

Man: They just won’t. Don’t think about it.

Leyla: Alright forget that for a second. Let’s just say I’m doing this job, and then not enough support for an invasion materializes and the city falls to Assad’s forces. What then?

Man: Well I wouldn’t worry too much about that. Contrary to what we make the media write, Assad is actually very friendly and merciful. You’ll probably be given medical treatment for any injuries as well as free lodging and meals. We’ll try to get you out later.

Leyla: Yeah but I could still get killed during the fighting for the city, right?

Man: Well that’s very unlikely. For one thing, Russian bombs never hit civilians, ever.

Leyla: Never?

Man: It’s absolutely true. Of course we’re lying about it for propaganda purposes, but just listen to their Ministry of Defense. Every bomb they drop kills only ISIS fighters or other jihadists. That’s why it’s so important for us to help them out before their forces are crushed.

Leyla: That sounds pretty dangerous.

Man: Look, just the other day I hired a 7-year-old girl to do this same job. A 7-year-old! She’s clearly not afraid.

Leyla: I wouldn’t say I’m so much afraid as I am highly confused. I can remember hearing a lot about all this civilian suffering in Syria for a few years now. If you control everything, why don’t you just invade?

Man: I already told you we can’t. We need mass outrage among Americans, because the American government literally can’t go to war without the polls being for it. The president has to think of his reelection.

Leyla: But Obama was reelected about a year after this stuff happened. He had four years to do something. It doesn’t make sense.

Man: Yes it does. All of this makes perfect sense. These are real things that actually happen and are entirely logical for reasonable adults to believe. I know because prior to this I worked on the MH17 operation.

Leyla: What was that again?

Man: It’s when we used a Ukrainian surface-to-air missile and a Ukrainian Su-25 armed with an Israeli missile to shoot down a Malaysian jetliner that also had a bomb on board over Ukraine.

Leyla: Oh yeah that. I remember.

Man: Right. We did it in order to have an excuse to go to war with Russia, even though all our leaders categorically said there was no military solution to the Ukraine crisis several times.

Leyla: Yeah what was the deal with that?

Man: Even though we couldn’t go to war for reasons that are so complicated I could never possibly explain them, the downing of MH17 did allow us to take one anti-Russian measure.

Leyla: Which was?

Man: Very limited, targeted sanctions that are easily sidestepped in many cases.

Leyla: That’s it?

Man: Yes. In fact, the Russians tell us all the time that the sanctions do nothing, that they actually help Russia, but we don’t drastically increase them or make them stronger or anything, even though there are many stronger methods we could have employed.

Leyla: I don’t get it though. That plane crash killed almost 300 people if I remember correctly. Why would you do something so horrible and then not even do the thing it was intended to justify in the first place?

Man: You know, you’re the first person I’ve ever met who’s asked that question. I honestly don’t know. Seems like kind of a waste.

Leyla: Waste? It’s cold blooded murder!

Man: Maybe, but we had to do it in order to sanction the Russians, even though it’s been almost three years and the sanctions only actually help Russia! If only there was something else we could do besides extending the sanctions every six months and telling Putin that we’ll take them away as soon as he fulfills an agreement that favors him.

Leyla: I thought you control the Western world! The United States! NATO! Why do you engage in all these conspiracies, actually murdering innocent people, supporting bloodthirsty terrorists, and then forget to do the exact thing that was the reason why you carried out these horrible atrocities in the first place? Are you people insane or are you just complete utter morons?!

Man: The second one, I believe. We do control the world, but we’re also complete morons. That’s why many of our schemes are exposed, not by investigative journalists or professionals, but rather people watching Youtube videos.

I’m not sure why that is. Maybe we’re just out of touch with the common man…

Leyla: You know what? I don’t care! There’s no way in hell I’m going to go into Aleppo, live with jihadist terrorists who would probably cut my head off, and write propaganda for you. If you control the Western leaders, just order them to go to war!

Man: Well…I’m sorry you feel that way. I thought you’d be perfect in this position. Just one thing- make sure you don’t tell anyone. So far we’ve been pretty lucky because out of the thousands of people we need to make our conspiracies work, none have come forward to expose us. I’d hate for you to be the first.

Leyla: I wouldn’t worry about that. Who would believe me anyway?

Man: Millions of people with internet connections, that’s for sure.

Leyla: I’ve got to get out of here. Thanks anyway. I’m sorry for wasting your time. I just really hope you’re not going to have me killed.

Man: Of course not! We’ve never managed to kill Alex Jones. Hell, we can’t even get him kicked off Youtube! You’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Have a nice day.

 

 

Russia’s World Cup

Bob: Wow! What an amazing match that was! If you’re just joining us, you’ve missed history in the making. For the first time ever, the Russian national team has won the World Cup, and in their homeland, no less!

Jerry: Yes, Bob, I certainly feel sorry for those viewers who…Hold on a second. Maybe it’s just all the excitement that’s in the air right now, but did I just hear you say that Russia won the match?

Bob: Indeed you did, Jerry! They certainly outplayed their Brazilian opponents and delivered one of the biggest upsets in football history!

Jerry: Wait…Russia lost the match. Brazil devastated them. It was 7-1!

Bob: Jerry, my man, didn’t you hear about the special rule change? It was proposed by Putin and approved by FIFA just before the start of the championship. You’ve got to be pulling my leg.

Jerry: Errr…Of course. But maybe for the sake of the viewers who have just joined us, you could humor me a bit? How did Russia win when they scored only one goal, and Brazil scored seven?

Bob: Well Jerry, it’s really simple. See Brazil scored goals, true. But Russia also scored goals. So in reality both teams are winners. But Russia is the real winner.

Jerry: Uh..That doesn’t make sense. I mean even in the first half Brazil had scored what? Four goals?

Bob: Maybe that’s true, but Brazil has lost World Cup matches before. Why is it everyone talks about Russia’s losses when Brazil has lost plenty of times?

Jerry: I’m not sure that’s relevant, particularly since Brazil didn’t lose this match.

Bob: But both teams scored goals.

Jerry: Russia scored one goal! Brazil scored seven.

Bob: Exactly. They’re the same. They both scored goals. Who is Brazil to judge Russia as a loser? They both scored goals, they’ve both lost in the past. But Russia won this match.

Jerry: Let’s move on for a moment. As I wanted to say earlier, I think the main problem for the Russians is that they had so many penalties, and that quickly removed some of their best players from the match.

Bob: But Jerry, I think you forget that the other side had penalties too.

Jerry: Well yes, Brazil got two yellow cards within the first six minutes of the match, but I don’t think that’s relevant seeing as how…

Bob: Both sides got penalties.

Jerry: Yes, but Russia had more and actually lost some of their players because of it…

Bob: But you admit that they both had penalties.

Jerry: One side had several red cards and…

Bob: Brazil also got penalties.

Jerry: Yes…Brazil got penalties.

Bob: Then the refs had no right to judge Russia as being any worse than Brazil. But Russia is better and it won the match.

Jerry: Well I suppose so, under these wonderful new Putin rules.

Bob: Also the Brazilian team’s coach is a neo-Nazi.

Jerry: WHAT ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU ON ABOUT? 

Bob: He’s a neo-Nazi who tried to rig the match so Russia would lose, but luckily Russia didn’t lose so the match was completely fair.

Jerry: RUSSIA DID LOSE! BRAZIL SCORED MORE GOALS THAN RUSSIA! THAT MEANS BRAZIL WON! 

Bob: So you support the team whose coach is a known neo-Nazi Islamic fundamentalist?

Jerry: I don’t support any team- the Brazilians objectively scored more goals and…wait! Now he’s a Nazi and an Islamic fundamentalist? He is neither of those things!

Bob: Sure, if you listen to the mainstream media.

Jerry: What mainstream media? You just accused a well-known public figure of being a Nazi and an Islamic fundamentalist without any proof whatsoever.

Bob: The mainstream media is withholding the truth. Remind me later and I can send you this article from The Guardian that tells you how the mainstream media does that from time to time.

Jerry: Does what?

Bob: Covers up the truth.

Jerry: So you want to use an article from the mainstream media to prove that the mainstream media covers up certain facts?

Bob: Yes. You should trust this source because it’s from the mainstream media, not some conspiracy website.

Jerry: You still haven’t offered any proof that the coach is a Nazi terrorist!

Bob: Prove that he isn’t.

Jerry: GODDAMMIT, BOB! BRAZIL WON THIS MATCH! BRAZIL SCORED MORE GOALS! BRAZIL IS THE WORLD CHAMPION! 

Bob: But Russia scored goals too. They’re the same. But Russia is the winner.

Jerry: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, BOB?! 

Bob: I have the mental reasoning abilities of a small child, so this logic makes perfect sense to me.

Jerry: Well I…Wait. What?

Bob: You heard me. My reasoning skills are on par with those of a six-year-old, eight-year-old, tops. You’d have to be this way to think those new rules make any sense at all.

Jerry: Geez, Bob, that sounds terrible. I had no idea. Now this is all starting to make sense.

Bob: I’m glad you see it that way. I’m also glad that this is just a satirical piece, which in no way bears any resemblance to real life.

Jerry: None at all. I can’t imagine anyone thinking this way in real life.

Bob: Neither can I. That would be ridiculous. Only a moron would act like this in real life.

Jerry: A complete, total, window-licking moron. You said it, Bob!

 

News from a parallel universe: ISIS Sanctions Renewed for Another Six Months

RAQQA– The US and European Union states have once again narrowly voted to renew targeted sanctions against the Islamic State (still commonly known as ISIS). In a press conference on Monday morning, US Secretary of State once again reiterated that sanctions would be removed as soon as the Islamic State complies with an agreement which would give the territories they control in Syria special status. ISIS leaders, meanwhile, called the sanctions “counter-productive” and promised “reciprocal measures” against those countries who support the sanctions regime.

Targeted sanctions were first imposed on ISIS following alleged attacks on the Yezidi minority in Iraq, attacks which the ISIS leadership has consistently denied.

“The Yezidi heretics were not killed by our people, but local farmers and tractor drivers who are fed up with Baghdad’s tolerance for heresy,” said an ISIS spokesperson in 2014, when news of the massacre broke.

The initial sanctions targeted key individuals in leadership of ISIS, but excluded family members. The sanctions were expanded later the same year when new allegations of ethic cleansing, sexual slavery, and beheadings of Yezidis and Christians surfaced. Not only was the list of travel bans and asset freezes expanded to include more members of the ISIS leadership, but new measures were put in place to limit ISIS’ access to Western financial markets and oil-drilling technology. Such sanctions are expected to severely limit ISIS’ ability to compete economically.

Yet in spite of the sanctions, many American and European banks and companies still do business with the self-proclaimed Caliphate. Timothy Hedges is a director of a London brokerage who says he still does a lot of business with ISIS.

“I don’t believe in letting politics get in the way of business,” Hedges said.

“Look, we live in a capitalist world, a free market world. These ISIS chaps have got money to invest and we’ve got people here who want to invest money there. You can’t let political rhetoric get in the way of that.”

But it’s not just money that’s changing hands when it comes to trade between ISIS and the West. A recent expose on British television shows how real estate agents in London sell luxury property to ISIS members, promising to protect their clients’ identity. On video one realtor is seen advising the undercover journalist posing as an ISIS official to create a special holding company that will officially own a London flat worth over 4 million pounds.

The ISIS presence is noticeable not only in London, but also in New York, where the son of one of ISIS’ propaganda networks has found himself an upscale apartment in gentrified Brooklyn. Ali, 24, laughed when asked about the sanctions on the Islamic State.

“Sanctions? What sanctions? Here I am living among the infidels in their greatest city,” Ali said.

“There are hundreds of us here. Same in London. The sanctions are a joke!”

Now that the sanctions have been in place for two years, continually renewed every six months, there have been signs of weakening resolve among the European states, many of which carried out lucrative trade with ISIS. Fringe politicians from Italy, Belgium, and France have spoken out against the sanctions, calling for them to be removed. Giovanni Buffone is a member of the Veneto parliament and one of the most fervent critics of the sanctions regime.

“We have carried out very lucrative trade with the Caliphate for many years now,” Buffone noted.

“But now because our weak leaders won’t stand up to the will of Washington, we will surely lose business. Is the safety of Iraq really worth it?”

Buffone’s statement is just one example of a growing number of voices in the business world calling for a removal of the sanctions regime.

It is not clear whether the sanctions will be renewed again in six months, but each time US officials have reminded ISIS that they will remove the sanctions as soon as ISIS fulfills its part of the peace agreement. ISIS, on the other hand, insists that it is not a party to the conflict in Iraq and Syria, and accuses the US and NATO of trying to encircle the “Islamic World.”

 

A contrarian’s view on anti-German hysteria

DISCLAIMER: This article is SATIRICAL, though some of the arguments you find within have actually been made both in the past and by apologists of the Third Reich to this day. 

By Dr. William Percival Thomas IV

June 1939

It seems not a day goes by that we don’t see alarmist headlines telling us that Germany plans to invade Poland, or that Germany is supposedly acting “aggressive” toward its neighbor, Czechoslovakia. Typically these pieces are written by talentless hacks who have no background knowledge of Germany and its history, and as such it is easy for them to demonize Germany and its leader, Adolf Hitler. Unlike such journalists, I have actually spent significant time in Germany, and have studied German history for the better part of my adult life. It is for this reason that I cannot go along with the bandwagon that is currently crying “wolf” over so-called “German aggression.”

First let us be realistic for a moment. Germany has indeed annexed some territory in recent years, but we might do well to remember that so far, the only territory Germany has been “annexing” is territory it used to control. First let us look at the Rhineland, where Germany allegedly flouted the Treaty of Versailles and acted “aggressively” by re-militarizing the territory in 1936. Sure, if we are to stick to the very letter of the Versailles treaty,  the Germans were certainly in violation. But this was, for all intents and purposes, Germany territory, and how logical is it to demand that a nation not station troops on a part of its own, sovereign territory? How can we condemn Hitler’s demands toward his neighbors while simultaneously making demands on Germany?

Then of course there is the matter of the Anschluss, another example of Germany being tarred as aggressive for “invading” what is arguably ethnic German territory. Once again, a little historical context is in order. The mostly German Austrian republic made an attempt to join Germany in 1918, yet was forbidden to do so by the treaties of St. Germain and that pesky Versailles treaty. Another fact that journalists tend to ignore due to their utter lack of German historical knowledge is that there was something of a German union that included Austria in the past- the German Confederation which was dissolved after the Austro-Prussian War of 1866. And even if we ignore that, let us not forget that Germany held a plebiscite to determine the will of the German and Austrian people, who supported the unification by 99.7% of the voters. A more democratic expression of a people’s self-determination is hard to come by these days, but the mainstream press apparently thinks that self-determination is something for Poles, Czechs, and Slovaks, but not Germans.

Then of course there is the matter of the Sudetenland and Czechoslovakia, the latter recently having been “annexed” by Germany. The matter of the Sudetenland has long been settled- this was German land, populated by a majority of Germans. As for the rest of Czechoslovakia, Germany has been far more generous than it needed to be. With Austria having been unified in a Greater Germany, Berlin has a rightful claim to all former Hapsburg territory. Yet in the case of Czechoslovakia, one of the many artificial creations conjured into existence by the hated Treaty of Versailles, Germany absorbed only Bohemia and Moravia as a protectorate, granting the right of self-determination and independence to Slovakia. Funny how the mainstream press ignores this inconvenient fact while implicitly demanding that Ukrainians, Croats, Slovenes, and other nationalities remain within the borders of superstates where they lack ample representation in governments controlled by other nationalities.

Once again our Western press is beating the war drums, this time over Poland. Once again we might do well to bear in mind that the overwhelming majority of the Free City of Danzig is German, and they resent being separated from their German brethren by the absurd “Polish corridor.” We might also ask why the press does not speak of “Polish aggression” when that country annexed parts of the supposedly inviolable Czechoslovakia, or why they do not speak of “Polish fascism” when it is well known that the Polish government is not only quite reactionary, but oppresses its own national minorities such as the Ukrainians and Jews.

Ultimately what we have here is a lack of understanding toward the German people. Few Englishmen or Americans ever travel to Germany and thus they are not only ignorant of German history, but they also lack any knowledge of the average German’s point of view. If we look from a historical perspective, we see that Germany has suffered a myriad of wars and invasions going back to Roman times. Indeed, the Romans themselves conquered much of Germany. But we need not go back so far into history to see why Germany is so driven toward militarism, as its critics claim. Geography suffices to explain German behavior.

Germany’s location in the center of Europe, surrounded on all sides by enemies, naturally makes defense a priority in the German mentality. Again we need not delve into the depths of ancient history for an example; we need only look to the recent memory of the Great War and Germany’s Schlieffen Plan to see how the need to fight on two fronts has become embedded in the German mindset; it is simply something the German cannot reasonably ignore. And when we consider how Germany lost that war and the humiliation it has suffered at the hands of the victors and their Versailles treaty, the average German’s resentment toward Western Europe is totally understandable.

Western hypocrites as of late love to criticize Germany’s so-called “rampant anti-Semitism,” but once again if they had bothered to actually go to Germany and speak with the men on the street, they might benefit from getting the German point of view. For one thing, the Germans see the Jews as the cause of their misfortunes following the Great War. To us, the anti-Jewish rhetoric may sound like demagogic scapegoating, but ask any German in a beer hall what the Jews have done to him and he will tell you the same thing- that the Communists are controlled by Jews, that “Red Jewish treachery” stabbed the German army in the back, leading to Germany’s defeat in the war and the humiliating Versailles treaty which followed. We might dispute such claims with numbers of Jewish citizens who loyally fought in the ranks of the German and Austro-Hungarian armies or by pointing out that the majority of Communist and Social Democrat party members are in fact non-Jewish, but we might take pause to ask what right we have to tell another nation its history. Germans, with the humiliation of the defeat so fresh in living memory, have a valid point of view as well.

bolshevism

The average German sees only a choice between his Nazi leaders and Soviet Bolshevism. Who are we to tell them otherwise, when we in the West have never seriously faced the threat of revolution?

Others criticize Germany’s supposedly racist, chauvinist policies, as well as German leader Adolf Hitler’s well known intentions to create an ethnically pure Lebensraum or “living space.” To those who call such a policy imperialist I would first ask whether they are prepared to demand that Great Britain, France, Belgium, Portugal, or Japan give up their colonial empires. Germany was stripped of its empire at the end of the last war. Do we have a right to demand any people space in which to live and grow? Meanwhile, those who balk at the idea of a contiguous, ethnically pure German empire in Europe ought to keep in mind that it was not Germany’s National Socialists who pioneered the practice of eugenics or race laws. Indeed, Germany has taken its inspiration from that self-proclaimed bastion of freedom and democracy, the United States. Clearly any American critic of Germany must remove the mote from their eye before pointing out the speck in Germany’s.

Having taken into consideration the German point of view in politics and foreign policy, we can now return to the present crisis between Poland and Germany, where we initially began. For one thing, we rarely if ever see our mainstream media accurately represent Germany’s claims on supposedly Polish territory. We are constantly told about German sabre-rattling, yet we never hear anything in our press about the repeated outrages committed by Poles against ethnic Germans, left defenseless in what became to them a foreign country overnight. We are told that Germany is an aggressive country, while the fact that Germany is surrounded by expansionist enemies is completely ignored. To the West, Germany faces a hostile France and Britain. France, I remind the reader, has formal military treaties with Poland and the Soviet Union, but of course we never hear about aggressive French, Polish, or Soviet expansion.

map

A map shows the enormity of forces arrayed against Germany. Who exactly is being militaristic and aggressive?

If the reader is still in doubt as to the severity of the situation facing Germany, I would remind them that Germany was recently forced to counter a Bolshevik threat in Spain. Indeed, where were the condemnations for the Soviet Union when it sent thousands of men, tanks, planes, and tons of ammunition to prop up what some claimed to be the legitimately elected government? Certainly the Franco regime did not see things that way. And since Great Britain, France, and the United States were all more than willing to impose a non-intervention regime effectively embargoing the Republican, Communist-dominated government, with the United State going so far as to grant Franco’s forces oil on credit during the war, we clearly see that there are key questions of foreign policy in which the Western powers can find common ground with Germany and its allies. If we could come to an agreement then, and indeed if we could achieve an even greater understanding in Munich last year, who’s to say that we cannot do the same by seeking a compromise with Hitler and granting his rather reasonable, modest demands toward the obstinate Polish government. Is it not better to have Germany, standing there as a bastion against Asiatic Bolshevism, rather than a weak divided Poland which could not hope to withstand a Russian onslaught for more than a few weeks at best? I’d argue that Prime Minister Chamberlain certainly thinks so.

Indeed it was Chamberlain himself who brought us, as he called it, “peace in our time” at Munich. Now the warmongerers wish to tear up that document and plunge us into another bloody conflict, one which will almost inevitably involve as many nations as the last if not more. A kind of Second World War, if you will. If such a prospect does not sound too dire to those currently calling for a tougher stance against Hitler (who might be embarrassed to find Soviet dictator Josef Stalin on their side), I have been to countless German military parades and I can testify that Germany’s military might has truly exceeded that which it wielded in 1914. In 1916-1918 the German Reich scrambled to find an antidote to the British tank; now the German armies field entire divisions consisting of tanks of every sort. The German Luftwaffe possesses squadrons of modern aeroplanes which proved their effectiveness against Bolshevik flyers in the recent civil war in Spain. The German soldier is motivated, trained to a high degree, and prepared to defend his home soil to the last man. Is this a nation we truly want to provoke, and all for the sake of Poland, no less?

It is clear to any reasonable and educated man that we must come to an understanding with Mr. Hitler if we wish to avoid a Second World War. Germany has legitimate, security-related grievances which many Westerners are unable to perceive due to the lack of experience with foreign invasions and bloody attempted revolutions. It is time for our leaders to stop being stubborn, stop listening to hysterical war mongers, and instead show their willingness to compromise with Germany by granting them their modest demands in regards to Poland. They should seek counsel not from the Germanophobes but rather from those who truly understand Germany and its leaders, or Hitlerversteher as they are known in Germany.  Such people are aware that even if we concede the point that Germany has been behaving aggressively as of late, we cannot deny that since 1919 we have pushed them in that direction. A compromise that involves giving Germany lands it once controlled for centuries will show Mr. Hitler that we are indeed reasonable people and reliable partners.

Dr. William Percival Thomas IV is a professor of Germanic History at Cambridge University who has spent considerable time in Germany both before and after the Great War.