Category Archives: Satire

Guest Op-Ed: Ukraine Should Open a Hell Portal in Russia

By Very Serious Journalism Man 

First I’d like to thank the owner of this blog for allowing me to guest post my thoughts about what Ukraine definitely needs to do before this year’s World Cup Championship in Russia. As some of you might have already read, Russia recently opened up a road bridge to the illegally occupied Crimean peninsula. The gauntlet has been thrown down, and if Ukraine wants to prove that it’s a real country and not a cucktry, it needs to respond in kind.

How should a country respond to a foreign aggressor building an illegal bridge? Simple. You escalate. They build a bridge in your country, so you use advanced wormhole-creating technology to open a literal gate to hell in their country. As Sean Connery said with his horrible impression of an Irish accent in The Untouchables, “That’s the Chicago way!”

I’m pretty sure Ukraine has scientists. They had the Chernobyl disaster and they managed to fix that somehow. You don’t do that without scientists. A lot of them. With US backing, and perhaps the help of genius entrepreneurs like Elon Musk, it’s not at all unrealistic for Ukraine to create some kind of device which will be able to open a portal to the dark underworld somewhere on the other side of the Russian border.

Let’s see Putin smirk about not having any troops in Ukraine when literal demons are slaughtering people in the streets of Moscow! Hybrid warfare? How do you like interdimensional warfare, Ivan?!

Ukraine needs to do this before the opening of the World Cup, otherwise it’s a little chicken country and has no friends. But if it mans up and pulls it off, the US should support Ukraine wholeheartedly in this endeavor. The current US administration is wholly capable of handling any consequences from such an operation, but it won’t have to because there won’t be any.

I am a serious journalism man.

 

 

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Transcript of Bashar al Assad’s Victory Speech, 2020

Bashar_al-Assad_in_Russia_(2015-10-21)_08

*Applause*

Thank you! Thank you all! Throughout this long and difficult conflict I have frequently expressed my deepest gratitude to you, members of parliament, my military from the chief of the general staff to the lowest-ranking recruit, and of course, to my foreign allies Russia and Iran. A thousand speeches would not be enough to fully express how much I feel indebted to all those who rallied to the flag during Syria’s darkest hour. There are so many who deserve boundless gratitude for helping us overcome our enemies, the so-called Free Syrian Army jihadists, the Kurdish separatist terrorists in the north, the Islamic State, and the most tenacious of all adversaries, the White Helmets, better known as Al Qaeda! Damascus was besieged by terrorists of every kind, some even disguised as little children, but you did not waver and because of your resolve we have triumphed!

But I trust you will forgive me when I dedicate this speech to another steadfast ally of the Syrian Arab Republic, one which up until now has never received my thanks, our thanks, for all its unflagging support for myself and the government I lead. Naturally I am speaking about the Western left and the anti-war movement it leads.

They go by many different names, many of them claim to be Marxists, Communists. I’m sure some of you, and indeed even myself at one time, feared that their ideological leanings might prevent them from supporting our government, which is in no way Marxist or leftist and to be honest, is arguably rightist if anything. Some of us were afraid they might look upon our past actions such as jailing leftists or helping the CIA with its rendition program in the War on Terror and reject us entirely in favor of the terrorist uprising which was also totally orchestrated by the CIA, Mossad, and Saudi Arabia. But no, they were not discouraged by any of that. Quite the opposite.

Despite the fact that almost none of these people had ever been to Syria, or even anywhere in the Middle East for that matter, despite the fact that for many of them their only source of factual information about what was happening here was our ally’s satellite TV network RT and a collection of various Russia-connected blogs all citing the same sources, these people saw the truth of our struggle and boldly stood up to their own governments. When their imperialist regimes accused us of using chemical weapons as a pretext for a massive invasion on par with the 2003 Iraq War in 2013, 2017, and 2018, these intrepid anti-imperialists could not be swayed by the insidious propaganda of terrorist organizations such as the United Nations or the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons. On the contrary, they were more than willing to take the word of their far-right wing ideological opponents and speak the truth- that these chemical attacks never happened, that they were staged by the Al Qaeda White Helmets. Or the chemical attacks actually happened, but the rebels carried them out. Or the Islamic State. Or the White Helmets actually gassed civilians themselves. All of those are totally real things that actually happened, and the Western revolutionary left were not afraid to speak that truth to power.

Indeed, so loyal were they to our cause that they never flinched from entering into tacit alliances with those who could honestly be called fascists in order to get our message to their own countrymen. So determined were they in spreading that message, than when our neocon and neoliberal enemies tried to point out their strange and seemingly contradictory alliances, those brave leftists simply acted as though no such collaboration ever took place, or insisted that it didn’t matter. But it did matter. It mattered so much too us.

And that is why I’m announcing that the Syrian Arab Republic is prepared to give back to the Western left that stood so loyally by its side throughout this seemingly never-ending conflict. The revolutionary movement that dedicated so much time to defending our just regime deserves no less than our material and moral support in its own struggle, which of course is something I have always deeply cared about. I especially care about the local struggles of groups like Stop the War Coalition in the United Kingdom, the Communist Party of Great Britain (ML), and the Workers’ World Party in the United States, to name a few. That is why I say to the following to them and all their comrades worldwide:

We have not forgotten your sacrifices and struggle in our name. We have not forgotten how you put off your own organizing and issues in order to march in the streets with our flag and defend our regime no matter what it was accused of doing. We have not forgotten how you were totally unconcerned with your so-called credibility when you embraced and repeated our side of the story, indeed our sides of each story, when so many people called you cranks and conspiracy theorists for doing so. We have not forgotten how you were more than willing to enter into strategic alliances with self-identified neo-Nazis and white supremacists in order to spread our message- the message that anyone who opposed us was a bloodthirsty Wahhabist terrorist. We admire your confidence and resolve as you diligently and consistently lectured traitorous Syrian former-citizens despite never having been to the Middle East or speaking Arabic. Many people, lacking that kind of experience, would never want to appear so arrogant and condescending by telling a person what is really happening in their country when they have never set foot even in the region. But you were not afraid to do exactly that. You knew these people had to be terrorists and pawns of the United States and Israel, you were right, and you spoke the truth.

And because you did all this, it is now time for us to fight for you. Now that we have victory, peace, and a lot more living space in Syria for reasons you should not concern yourself with, I am ordering my generals to set up numerous educational and training camps for left revolutionaries. As a caveat I must say that you may be sharing your quarters with people who are your ideological enemies on the far-right in your home country, but from what I’ve seen you’ve managed to get along somehow for my sake and I’m sure you’ll work something out.

In addition to the free use of our infrastructure and facilities with which you can train legions of loyal, dedicated revolutionaries to struggle against your own exploiters at home, I offer you the use of our media facilities as well. Any leftist party who showed support for us will be able to obtain its own satellite network to reach viewers back home.

I was also especially touched by those of you who, after the last false flag chemical attack staged by the White Helmets in Douma, pointed out that the US government had poisoned its own people in Flint, Michigan. Others asked why no other countries were talking about bombing the US when police used tear gas on protesters at Standing Rock. Such rhetorical brilliance was so inspiring that I have decided to set aside some of our oil revenue toward providing the people of Flint the clean water they deserve! We will also provide any leftist organization in the US with high quality gas masks to protect themselves at their next protest, which will no doubt be in support of a cause I deeply agree with and care about.

Another thing these leftists have shown me is that we as Baathists need to remember the socialist aspect of Arab Socialism, one of the core ideas in the Baathist ideology. Now that we are no longer under imperialist threat, I hereby announce that we will be carrying out a new constitutional referendum with the goal of setting up not only a truly socialist society, but in fact a fully democratic communist society of which the leadership of the long-dead Soviet Union could only dream of. Our resources will be publicly owned so that every man, woman, and child will be guaranteed access to adequate shelter, food, clothing, education, and healthcare. This we shall achieve by instituting the combination of direct democracy and labor time calculation-based planning according to the theories of Paul Cockshott, an author whose work I have read extensively throughout this conflict.

Having established true functioning communism, I shall resign as president and remain merely head of the party, which will only minimally interfere in the administration of day-to-day life. More importantly, as the Syrian Arab Republic becomes the first territory living under functioning modern communism, it will become a beacon of light, spreading socialist theory and praxis throughout the world. Where the Russians and Chinese failed, we shall succeed!

And let me say this to my comrades in the Western left- this is only the beginning. You stood up for me and proclaimed the truth, that I am the Lion of Damascus and flame of secularism in a Middle East infested with hordes of bloodthirsty jihadists. For that I shall open the floodgates of my country’s wealth and back your revolutions because you backed our war for survival! Moreover, my allies Russia, as well as the Donetsk and Luhansk People’s Republics, which I assure you have nothing to do with Russia and are an internal matter for Nazi-controlled Ukraine, agree with me one hundred percent when it comes to this new initiative. They have offered to send you whatever you need so that working people in your nations can fight for and seize the rights they so sorely deserve!

The right to rebel against tyrants is universal and just! It is not like that rebellion against me because I am in no way a tyrant and those were all head-chopping takfiri Al Qaeda Islamic State terrorists who were paid by the CIA and Israel. You are nothing like them and thus have every right to revolution and freedom!

So from the bottom of my heart, and on behalf of the Syrian Arab Republic, soon to be the Syrian Communist Republic, I say as emphatically as possible. Thank you, anti-imperialists! Thank you all! 

*Standing ovation and applause*

Ubisoft Starts Civil War in Russia to Promote Far Cry 6

TAGANROG- The game developer Ubisoft initiated an armed insurgency in southern Russia as a special promotional event for its upcoming release Far Cry 6, which is set in a “former Soviet republic in the midst of a civil war.” A company spokesperson said customers who pre-order the game will be automatically entered in a contest in which winners will be given a free tour of the newly-created republic of “Rostovia,” as the fictional country in the game is known. The grand prize winner will be allowed to act as Rostovia’s official Minister of Energy for a week.

Since armed clashes first began in the city of Rostov-na-Donu last week, the Kremlin has reacted extremely negatively to the game developer’s promotional event. Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov called it an “egregious provocation” and “an act of war.”

While the Foreign Minister was quick to point a finger at the United States, a State Department spokesperson denied any US government involvement.

“The United States government does not exercise any control over this private company, which, incidentally, is French,” the spokesperson said.

Meanwhile residents of the newly created “Republic of Rostovia” have been overly supportive of the new Ubisoft regime. Svetlana Malinovskaya, 38, runs a small grocery shop in one of Rostov’s suburbs and is quite happy with the new city administration.

“They got rid of all the corrupt bureaucrats and they’re actually doing something about the roads,” she said.

“Even better- they’re going to put my shop in the game, and my kids get all the downloadable content for free!”

While polls show that 96 percent of residents prefer the Ubisoft regime to Moscow’s rule, the fledgling republic has had to pay the price for its radical experiment in local democracy and cutting edge video game marketing. According to the most recent UN report, the conflict has so far claimed close to 3,000 casualties. An informal ceasefire which went into effect on Friday is expected to reduce the losses, and OSCE monitors have already been dispatched to the line of contact.

Russia’s representative at the United Nations introduced a Security Council resolution to condemn the game developer’s “unprovoked aggression and continued occupation of the Russian Federation’s territory.” In an official response letter, Ubisoft pointed out that it is not a state and possesses no armed forces. According to the company, all armed individuals involved in the “marketing event” are in fact “promotional contractors” who were hired locally within the Russian Federation.

The Dark Future: It’s a Blog About Star Wars Again

In a few years they will start making Star Wars films via computer algorithm. They will be designed to create a pastiche of characters and images that reference the original series, post original trilogy, prequels, etc. A Star Wars for every fan.

The program will create a random-named protagonist and then it will be assigned to be a relative/acquaintance/friend/mentor of some important character from the main original films, e.g. Wint Blinko, Han Solo’s forgotten nephew. Based on this, a plot will be assembled with various references to Han Solo’s story, e.g. it will turn out that our hero learned about the importance of a blaster from Han! Or a love interest will say “I love you” and he’ll respond with “I know,” and the whole audience laughs and claps because they get the reference.

Of course technology being what it is, many of these computer-manufactured films will have errors and bugs. Some may introduce subplots that are unresolved, or a supporting character may be missing in the second half of the film for no reason. In this case, Disney will release no refunds nor apologies. There will just be a statement like: “We regret that our latest film, Uncle Owen’s Garbage Man: A Star Wars Story, was released without an ending or audio from 1:09:47-1:13:08. We hope next months release of AT-ST Pilot Adventure works out better.”

Fans the world over will curse the company, and yet they will continue to fork over their money.

Generations later, war has ended human civilization. Nature begins to reclaim the Earth. But there, in a Disney bunker complex somewhere in northern California, the Star Wars supercomputer lives on, immortal. Directly connected to cinema screens around the world, every few months a new Star Wars movie is released. If an alien visitor were to touch down on the planet and stumble upon a cinema, they might be able to catch Wookie Battle: A Star Wars Story.

Powered by nuclear batteries designed to run on fuel that won’t run out for millions of years, the Star Wars computer lives on as the final tombstone of humankind…

Academic Proposes Creating Artificial Crimean Peninsula for Russia to Annex Safely

STAUNTON- Alexander Borodin of the Russian Academy of Sciences has a modest proposal to solve the conflict between the West and Russia over the latter’s annexation of the Crimean peninsula from Ukraine in 2014. The plan is simple- build Russia a mock Crimean peninsula that it can safely annex and occupy without infringing on the territorial integrity of any of its neighbors.

“We’ve already seen China push its claims in the South China Sea with the building of artificial islands,” Borodin said.

Subi_Reef_May_2015

Artificial island built by the People’s Republic of China. Borodin suggests Russia could built an artificial island as a stand-in for the Crimean peninsula.

“It’s not too much of a stretch for Russia to build its own artificial Crimean peninsula somewhere else in the Black Sea, or perhaps even in the Pacific Ocean.”

According to Borodin, this would solve several problems, the most obvious being the conflict with Ukraine and the West over Russia’s continued occupation of the disputed territory. He pointed out that by building its own Crimean peninsula however it wants, Russia could return the real Crimean peninsula back to Ukraine. This, along with a full pull out in Ukraine’s Donbas region would fulfill the conditions for the full removal of sanctions against Russia.

“As the situation stands now, Putin can’t let Crimea go,” Borodin explained.

“The annexation is what put his popularity through the roof. It’s a major pillar of his continuing support. But the initial euphoria has been wearing off in recent years due to economic hardship. What can Putin do? Re-annex Crimea? He certainly can if Russia builds its own artificial Crimea.”

Borodin said that a Russian-built Crimea could be settled with Russian citizens which the government would have to “save” periodically, perhaps even once a year. This way, the Russian military could repeatedly occupy the “peninsula” and carry out a “referendum,” each time giving the Russian President a massive boost in popularity.

“Obviously being able to annex the territory of another country repeatedly, in a safe environment, without any consequences, would be a great boon to the Russian people,” Borodin said.

“There are those in power who say that Russia is a natural empire and that empire is the only thing that can unite the Russian people. This would allow Russia to preserve this tradition without offending its neighbors.”

But while his plan allows Russia to safely annex territory without any of the usual side-effects of imperialism and colonialism, Borodin warned of potential drawbacks, especially what he calls “diminished returns.”

Borodin compares the effect to what heroin addicts call “chasing the dragon,” a slang term used to describe how addicts often keep using the drug in a vain attempt to recapture the feeling of their first high. To avoid this problem, Borodin said the frequency of annexations should be kept very low at first. He also suggested a program similar to methadone treatment, whereby between annexations the Russian military stages a fake buildup of military forces along a mock border constructed somewhere well within the territory of the Russian Federation.

While he admits potential drawbacks to the plan, Borodin states he’s confident that the benefits would easily outweigh them. For example, planning the construction of the new Crimean peninsula means it could be located in an area more suitable for building a bridge connecting it to the mainland. Or planners could simply make it an actual peninsula already connected to Russia, unlike the original Crimea, which is connected to Ukraine.

“This plan would represent a major step forward in improving relations between Russia, Ukraine, and the West,” Borodin said.

“But most of all, Russians will truly be able to say the Crimea is theirs. In fact, they could say it every few years if they wish!”

Millennials Don’t Know About the Horrors of the Thirty Years War, and That’s Bad!

Today’s post is a guest column from the Heritage Foundation’s Glen Billings*

The 23rd of May next year will mark the 400th anniversary of the Defenestration of Prague, an event that many see as the spark which ignited The Thirty Years War, Europe’s most destructive war prior to the two world wars of the 20th century. In fact, it was considered to be the worst catastrophe ever to befall Germany until the Second World War. And yet few millennials know anything about the suffering and pain caused by this pivotal conflict.

In a recent survey conducted by the Victims of Religious Wars of the Early Modern Era, 54% of millennial respondents said that they preferred to live under the rule of a Holy Roman Emperor than in our free market capitalist system. A further 45 percent said they “mostly agree” with the Catholic League, and one out of five millennial respondents said they considered Imperial military leader Albrecht von Wallenstein to be a “hero.”

This is extremely disheartening to see in our modern era, in a time when proponents of restoring the Holy Roman Empire and spreading the Catholic faith by fire and sword are experiencing a surge in popularity and influence not seen in nearly four centuries. If youth are not made aware of the slaughter, the looting, the destruction of towns and villages, the witch hunts, pestilence, and famine that were caused by that horrendously bloody conflict so long ago, it isn’t a stretch to say they might fall for the false promises of Catholic populists who claim to have all the answers. We could very well travel down that same road again, and the results will not be pretty.

Wallenstein / Gem. nach Van Dyck - Wallenstein / Painting by Van Dyck - Wallenstein / D'ap. Van Dyck

I see so many ignorant teenagers at the mall wearing t-shirts with this tyrant’s face on them. They have no idea. 

American youth, not being European, are particularly at risk, which is why the same public education system people like me constantly deride and try to defund on a regular basis needs to step up to the plate and do a better job of educating our youth about the horrors of the Thirty Years War and the ideas that led to it. I would suggest making room in the course syllabus by removing more trivial episodes in history, such as the genocide of the Americas’ indigenous peoples, slavery, European colonization of Africa, the Civil Rights struggle, the Vietnam War, and especially that Iraq War people keep bringing up for some incomprehensible reason. Youth need to be taught what matters, and what matters is that we live in a great, prosperous liberal democratic free market capitalist Republic which is the best system on Earth and always will be till the end of our sun and human life itself.  And we have the Peace of Westphalia to partially thank for that.

If we fail to learn from history, we are sure to repeat it. The sad thing is that modern youth live in such wonderful prosperity, with unprecedented stability and real prospects for a satisfying life, and yet so many of them seem to desire the religious persecution and authoritarianism of the Holy Roman Empire. They may soon get just that.

 

 

 

 

*Real author’s note. Glenn Billings does not actually exist and is a fictional character. Therefore this entire piece is SATIRE and you cannot possibly criticize it or make any judgments about me or my values based on the content of what I write. This is an entirely rational thing to believe. 

The Discourse: American Politics Prior to Russian Meddling

Conservative Republican: I am terribly sorry, my liberal Democrat friend, but I cannot agree with your assessment of the Obama administration. I find many of his so-called accomplishments highly specious, and dubious at best. Therefore I must express my disapproval when I see that your favored candidate, Mrs. Hillary Clinton, seems to wish to carry on with the status quo. I do believe I shall support Donald Trump, for in spite of his brash mannerisms, he does seem to be shaking things up in the political scene, and is such a shift not long overdue? I would put it to you that it is!

Liberal Democrat: I cannot agree. The country needs stability, and as I said, contrary to some of the critics on your tough yet fair Fox News channel, Obama has secured incremental growth while stabilizing the situation post-2008 collapse. I can provide you with figures you can peruse at your leisure. I think you’ll find them every bit as compelling as the facts and figures I provided you with when we last debated political matters.

Conservative Republican: Indeed I will concede your point on that. You certainly made a compelling case during that previous discussion and in spite of my party affiliation and differing political views, I cannot remain in denial about something which is supported by such irrefutable evidence. Though I must say I think I have plenty of hard data of my own to challenge your assertions regarding the Obama administration and its efficacy. If you don’t mind, good sir, I must check my phone. It appears I have some notifications.

Oh what’s this? An advertisement on my Facebook feed?

Liberal Democrat: Yes, I too seem to have a notification. And I see an ad as well. Let us both read these ads, for if we see them, we were surely targeted by Facebook’s innovative algorithms. Therefore these ads are far more likely to appeal to us and our tastes.

Seconds pass…

Conservative Republican: Maybe you want to explain why KILLARY murdered thirty Christian child sex slaves in Benghazi to please her Marxist-Fascist Muslim Kenyan usuprer master OBUMMER, you lib-cuck America-hating pansy! Get out of my country and take your Shakira law with you! FEMINISM IS CANCER AND THERE ARE ONLY TWO GENDERS!!!

Liberal Democrat: Your dog-whistle racism is coming through loud and clear, you dumb hick redneck jackass! I’m voting for Jill Stein!!!

Indistinct screaming…

Morgan Freeman: Does this sound like a comedy sketch to you? Well guess what…this is what actually happened when Russia divided America in 2016. We are at war…