Category Archives: Satire

Journalists Stage Uprising in Donbas, Declare Independent Country of ‘Pressia’

DONETSK- War correspondents from around the world working in Ukraine’s embattled Donbas region staged an armed uprising against both Ukrainian government and Russian-backed forces in the region on Thursday. The rag-tag army of reporters, recognizable by their “uniform” of blueish body armor and PRESS logos, held a presentation in the Radisson Hotel in Donetsk to announce the declaration of independence for a new nation they call “Pressia.”

 

“Whereas journalists have for decades put their very lives at risk to inform the people, whereas they have rarely been adequately compensated for that sacrifice, and whereas everybody, everywhere, hates us with a passion, we liberated journalists do declare the sovereignty and independence of the nation of Pressia,” the declaration reads.

Many of the revolutionaries were described as ecstatic by themselves.

“I can’t believe it,” said Roger Felton, a freelancer who is extremely good-looking and until now was forced to work for six different publications just to make ends meet. “Two weeks ago I had to supplement my income by teaching bratty kids in Kyiv, and now I’m a founding father of a new country!”

Tom Rawlings, acting minister of defense for the new nation and an extremely eloquent correspondent who has never been given his due until now, explained why the journalists were able to overpower both the Ukrainian and Russian forces so easily.

“You have to remember that with war correspondents you’ve got people who have prior military experience or have at least witnessed several military conflicts,” he said, running a hand through his awesome hair that looked totally badass with his long beard and olive-drab keffiyeh.

“Besides that, we all have body armor and helmets, some of which are better than those used by the combatants,” he added, putting on a pair of dope shades.

The journalists have formed a provisional council to organize a system of governance in the territory they control. According to sources who are very well-traveled, experienced, and intelligent, the new nation’s government will consist of local autonomous councils making decisions via direct democracy and choosing delegates for higher, regional councils. The system is based on that instituted by the Kurdish Democratic Union Party in northern Syria, where some of the journalist militia leaders have worked in the past.

Apart from radical direct democracy, spokespeople for the provisional council also promised that style guides would be eliminated. Council members affirmed their commitment to human rights, but reserved the right to legislate capital punishment for late payment to freelance writers.

Meanwhile, world leaders, particularly those of Russia and Ukraine, have expressed their opposition to the fledgling nation.

“This is an unacceptable violation of the Minsk process,” said Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko, who is totally lame.

“This is obviously a plot by our Western partners who are desperate to prevent the rise of a multi-polar world,” babbled Vladimir Putin’s deformed spokesman, Dmitry Peskov. His mustache makes him look like a 70’s porn star who did so much coke his eyes are about to burst out of their sockets.

Apart from general whining by loser politicians, overall coverage of the Pressia revolution has been overwhelmingly positive, and is expected to remain so. Spokespeople for the new country asserted that they plan to carry the revolution throughout the world, starting first in conflict areas.

“Journalists of the world, you have nothing to lose but your stupid editors,” said one revolutionary who is definitely a successful well-adjusted adult. “You have the world to gain! Journalists of the world, unite!”

If you are a journalist please see our contacts page to find out how to stake out police or military armories in your locale. Our day has come!

 

Russian Defense Ministry Worried About Positive Image

 

MOSCOW- Recent photographs showing Russian soldiers assisting Kurdish fighters of the leftist “People’s Protection Units” in Northern Syria have become a cause for concern among the Russian military’s top brass. According to a source in the Russian Ministry of Defense, publicity surrounding the photos might reflect positively on the Russian armed forces, which have worked hard to cultivate an image of pure, unadulterated evil since 2014.

The concern over the threat of positive connotations may explain Moscow’s official denials of involvement. Speaking at a press briefing the day after the photos emerged on social media, Kremlin Spokesman Dmitry Peskov insisted that Russia is not involved in helping the Kurds in the North Syrian Confederation.

“All this talk of the Russian military doing something positive or morally correct is nothing but nonsense from the typical sources,” Peskov told journalists.

“I can assure all of you that Russia and its Armed Forces are working their absolute hardest to fulfill their duty of spreading misery to the fullest extent of our reach,” he added.

State media has also hit back at the allegations, calling them “hypocritical,” pointing out that US forces are assisting the same Kurds, and listing numerous historical examples of when the United States’ armed forces acted as a force for good. Sunday news presenter Dmitry Kiselyov reminded his viewers that the US military had been instrumental in such positive historical developments as the abolition of slavery and the destruction of Nazi Germany. He too denied that Russia was deliberately helping the Kurdish movement, insisting that Russia would never support a democratic movement favoring local autonomy, self-administration, and radical women’s rights.

“It’s absurd,” Kiselyov told his viewers.

“Why would we, a nation with a highly centralized authoritarian bureaucracy bolstered by a fascist-inspired imperialist ideology want anything to do with these so-called ‘democratic confederalists,’ who insist that women are something other than breeding stock, entertainment, and a means for obtaining kompromat?”

Despite official denials, sources within the Ministry of Defense say that the command is taking the issue of its image very seriously and is looking for ways to compensate for its potential improvement.

“They’re frantically searching for ways to offset the potential improvement of their reputation,” said Gennady Borisov, a retired Soviet/Russian General who now works for a Moscow-based think tank dedicated to security issues.

“Any potentially positive action on the part of the Russian armed forces is a serious black mark on their image, so all options are on the table- stepping up the shelling of civilians in Ukraine, bombing hospitals in Syria- these are just two examples.”

Borisov said that the Ministry of Defense may even decide to take even stronger, proactive measures such as dropping napalm on a maternity ward in a relatively peaceful area of Syria or releasing a video of Russian soldiers crushing newborn kittens.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures, as they say. It might sound revolting, but it’s nowhere near as bad as having people all over the globe think that our armed forces were involved in something positive.”

Russian Aircraft Carrier Suspected in Robbery

MALAGA- Spanish law enforcement authorities suspect that the Russian aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov may have been involved in the armed robbery of a supermarket in Costa Del Sol.

Investigators have submitted a request to inspect the Russian naval vessel to the Russian Foreign Ministry and Ministry of Defense, according to the National Police Corps’ press office.

“Based on eyewitness statements and security camera footage from the store, we have decided to pursue the Admiral Kuznetsov as a per- ship of interest in the robbery case,” said Alejandro Ramirez, the lead investigator on the case.

Spanish authorities noted that the aging aircraft carrier, which passed by Spain during its voyage back to Russia after completing its military mission in the eastern Mediterranean, had already been implicated in another incident in Madrid one week earlier.


READ MORE- Russian Aircraft Carrier Kills 4 Pandas on its Way Home


On the night of 18 January, cashier Pilar Espinoza noticed that her small supermarket was rapidly filling with smoke. At first she suspected a fire, but seconds later one of the shop’s walls collapsed entirely and she heard a loud, booming voice demand all the money in the register.

“I couldn’t get a good look at him, or it, because of all the smoke, of course,” Espinoza told a local news outlet.

“I just threw the money in the direction of the voice, and when the smoke cleared I saw this giant trench running from the store back in the direction of the beach. It was like some giant monster just dragged itself out of the sea.”

Meanwhile, Moscow has refused to even consider the Spanish request, denying any connection between the robbery and the Admiral Kuznetsov.

“It’s simply absurd- no foreigners will be allowed to inspect one of our naval vessels after making such baseless accusations,” Russian Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman Maria Zakharova wrote on her personal Facebook page.

Russia’s Ministry of Defense also slammed the request, dismissing claims that the aircraft carrier had been involved with any mishaps while at sea.

“Preposterous. The Admiral Kuznetsov had nothing to do with this incident,” said Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu.

“I have been reliably informed that the carrier successfully completed its mission in the Mediterranean and has definitely not become self-aware nor malevolent. I am saying this entirely of my own volition.”

It is expected that Spanish authorities may appeal to Angela Merkel to present their case to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

 

Russian Aircraft Carrier Kills 4 Pandas on its Way Home

MADRID- The Russian aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov killed four giant pandas at the Zoo Aquarium de Madrid on Monday.

Officials from the park confirmed that male panda Bing Xing and female panda Hua Zui Ba were inexplicably crushed to death by the Russian carrier, which was returning to its home port after combat operations in the eastern Mediterranean Sea.

The pair’s two cubs, Po and De De, died by smoke inhalation from the aircraft carrier’s exhaust.

deadpanda

Zoo employees pay their final respects to De De, one of the four pandas who died on Monday.

The zoo’s press service declined to give further comment on the matter, citing that they were “reeling from the shock” of an aircraft carrier somehow managing to sail through Madrid.

The Russian Ministry of Defense made a number of comments regarding the incident, including “the pandas were acting in a threatening manner,” and “you never had any pandas.

The Ministry of Defense spokesman summed up his response by stating that Spain “had no right to lecture Russia regarding the death of the pandas, insofar as it devastated the population of the Americas from 1492 onward.”

The captain of the Admiral Kuznetsov suggested the accident might have been caused by a faulty arresting gear.

“We’ve had repeated problems with that arresting gear,” said Captain Sergei Artamonov, the ship’s commanding officer. “I’m not saying any pandas were killed, but if they were, it was probably that.”

The Russian aircraft carrier and its attending ships resumed course back to their home port after the unscheduled detour through central Spain.

Older Than You Realize

The Story of the Mongols Whom We Call Tartars by Friar Giovanni de Pian del Carpini is one of the most important primary sources on the Mongol invasion of Europe and Mongols in general. Giovanni was sent as an emissary to the Mongol Great Khan in beginning in 1245, four years after the disastrous battle of Legnica in which the Mongols had devastated much of Europe’s best armies of the time.  The aim was to determine whether or not the Mongols planned to press their invasion into the Holy Roman Empire, and preferably to prevent this possibility by offering Christian baptism to the Great Khan.

The source is important because it gives us a clear description of Mongol customs, beliefs, and behavior. However, at one point when the author is in the then-conquered lands of Rus, the story goes a bit off the rails.

If you’re not used to reading medieval primary sources, it can sometimes be a bit of a shock to see how casually an author goes from describing realistic things we can easily imagine, to descriptions of obviously mythical beasts, monsters, or otherwise supernatural beings or phenomena with no setup whatsoever. People were simply more credulous in those days.

Giovanni goes from things like describing Mongol camp life to talking about the Mongols’ invasion of Central Asia and Eastern Europe. In the process, he talks about how they encountered such things as a people who lived entirely underground, another race of people whose females were in human form but whose males were dogs that could freeze themselves and hurl their bodies at high speed against their opponents, and best of all- a race of strange people in the vicinity of Armenia who all have one leg and one arm. They would pair up to operate bows, and they would roll away quickly when attacked.

Obviously this was utter nonsense. What is interesting though is that to the best of my memory, Giovanni didn’t hear any of this from the Mongols themselves. They were related to them by various Rus princes he met earlier in his journey.

So there you have it. Russian “dezinformatsiya” dates back to at least the mid-13th century!

I’m available for commentary, fellowships, lectures, etc. You’re welcome.

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“The Holy Roman Emperor hateth us so! Surely we are great!” -Lady Margaret of Armenia

The Interview: Syria Edition

Early 2016

New York

Leyla, a 22-year-old Syrian-American girl, walks into an office for a job interview. She’s greeted by a sinister white-haired man seated behind a desk.

Leyla: Hello, I just wanted to thank you so much for reading my resume and giving me this opportunity to…

Man: No need for that. As soon as I read it I knew you were perfect for the job.

Leyla: Really? I mean as I said in my cover letter, I don’t have extensive experience as a social media manager but  I…

Man (laughing): Oh that! Social media manager…Right! No. Never mind that. Now that you’re hear, it’s time you learned what this job actually entails.

Leyla: Er…What…exactly is this?

Man: I work for George Soros, the most powerful man in the world. He’s a liberal Communist fascist Zionist who is funding Islamic fundamentalists and Ukrainian neo-Nazis in order to destroy Russia.

Leyla: Uh…I’ve heard of George Soros…but I didn’t know he uh…

Man: Is a liberal Communist fascist Zionist who funds Islamic fundamentalists and Ukrainian neo-Nazis in order to destroy Russia and all of Western Civilization?

Leyla: Yeah. That part. That sounds…uh…kind of contradict-

Man: Well it’s not. It makes perfect sense if you think about it, but there’s no time for that. Let me explain the position to you. You might want to take notes.

Leyla (taking out a pen and searching for paper): Right. Right. Okay. So if it’s not a social media manager position, what is it?

Man: Simple. You’re going to be a false flag actor.

Leyla: A what?

Man: I don’t know if you follow the news from your home country Syria…

Leyla: I was born in Queens.

Man: Whatever. Anyway, Aleppo is under siege. That brilliant fox, Vladimir Putin, and the equally clever Bashar al Assad have our jihadist Islamic State and al-Nusra forces surrounded and they’ve laid siege to the city. We need more people to go there and pretend to be poor, suffering civilians on ground. Your job will be to go on Twitter and maybe Facebook and tell people about how the Russians and government forces are bombing hospitals and schools even though they totally aren’t. Well, to be honest sometimes they do, but that’s only when the schools and hospitals are being used by the jihadist fighters we’re secretly funding. I don’t know where the Russians are getting their info! But I digress.

Leyla: Uh…Wait. Hold on. I have a few questions here to say the least. I don’t even know where to  begin. Maybe I should start with the part where I followed an ad that asked for a social media manager, and now you’re asking me to go to an active warzone.

Man: Yes, Aleppo. I thought we were past that point.

Leyla: And you said this Aleppo is full of jihadi terrorists.

Man: That’s correct. Everyone there is a terrorist. Some civilians might be held against their will, but rest assured that any civilian complaining about Russian or government bombing is one of our people.

Leyla: So you want me to go into this war zone, and live with Islamist jihadist terrorists?

Man: Yes, your job is to provide cover for them.

Leyla: Provide cover and propaganda for terrorists? Couldn’t the FBI arrest me for doing that? Couldn’t they arrest you for paying someone to do that?

Man: Uh…No.

Leyla: Why not?

Man: Because we control the Western world and the media. Soros, remember?

Leyla: Okay let’s forget that for a second. Why exactly would I be doing this?

Man: Again, it’s to gain sympathy for the terrorists in Syria. See you are, if you don’t mind me saying, a rather attractive young woman who can relate to Westerners. You’ll be on Twitter constantly, telling people about all the horrible atrocities of the government and their Russian backers. People will feel sympathy, and eventually there will be an outcry for Western military intervention even though we’ve been running this operation since 2011 and nothing like that has ever materialized.

Leyla: Why is that even necessary though? You just said that Soros, you, whoever, controls the Western world? Why doesn’t the US, maybe NATO, or something, just intervene already? You’ve had years to do something about it!

Man: No no no. You don’t understand how these things work. You need a pretext to go in. Western people won’t support a war without a good pretext.

Leyla: Oh like Iraq? WMDs? A lot of people protested that and they didn’t stop it. Bush was even reelected!

Man: Well you see that was our mistake. We were supposed to hire some people to plant WMDs in Iraq that the US forces would discover. Turns out the guy got sick though. That’s why we’re more conscientious these days. Hence the job.

Leyla: I can’t believe I’m even acting like I’m going to entertain this idea, but give me an example of something I’d actually be doing in this, job, as you call it.

Man: Glad you asked! Here’s an example. Let’s say the Russians bomb this building that is chock full of ISIS terrorists, who we’re funding, of course. What you’re going to do is go on Twitter and post a video where you say this was like, a hospital or a nursery school or something. You’ll have little child actors there ready to play the wounded. We even have fake child corpses too.

Leyla: Wow. That’s disgusting.

Man: Maybe, but quite realistic. We even have animatronic wounded children too. They’re so realistic the only way we’ll ever get discovered is if some really obsessive shut in goes through them frame by frame and analyzes ever little pixel.

Leyla: Yes that sounds amazing but more importantly, you said when a building gets bombed. You’re sending me to an active war zone, where people get bombed.  Where I can get bombed!

Man: Well yes, of course, but only for a little while. If you work hard and gain enough sympathy, I’m sure NATO will declare a no-fly zone, if not launch a full-scale invasion of the country.

Leyla: Right, and how do I know when they do that I won’t be labeled a terrorist by them, since you said I’m going to be working for terrorists?

Man: They won’t do that.

Leyla: Why wouldn’t they do that?

Man: They just won’t. Don’t think about it.

Leyla: Alright forget that for a second. Let’s just say I’m doing this job, and then not enough support for an invasion materializes and the city falls to Assad’s forces. What then?

Man: Well I wouldn’t worry too much about that. Contrary to what we make the media write, Assad is actually very friendly and merciful. You’ll probably be given medical treatment for any injuries as well as free lodging and meals. We’ll try to get you out later.

Leyla: Yeah but I could still get killed during the fighting for the city, right?

Man: Well that’s very unlikely. For one thing, Russian bombs never hit civilians, ever.

Leyla: Never?

Man: It’s absolutely true. Of course we’re lying about it for propaganda purposes, but just listen to their Ministry of Defense. Every bomb they drop kills only ISIS fighters or other jihadists. That’s why it’s so important for us to help them out before their forces are crushed.

Leyla: That sounds pretty dangerous.

Man: Look, just the other day I hired a 7-year-old girl to do this same job. A 7-year-old! She’s clearly not afraid.

Leyla: I wouldn’t say I’m so much afraid as I am highly confused. I can remember hearing a lot about all this civilian suffering in Syria for a few years now. If you control everything, why don’t you just invade?

Man: I already told you we can’t. We need mass outrage among Americans, because the American government literally can’t go to war without the polls being for it. The president has to think of his reelection.

Leyla: But Obama was reelected about a year after this stuff happened. He had four years to do something. It doesn’t make sense.

Man: Yes it does. All of this makes perfect sense. These are real things that actually happen and are entirely logical for reasonable adults to believe. I know because prior to this I worked on the MH17 operation.

Leyla: What was that again?

Man: It’s when we used a Ukrainian surface-to-air missile and a Ukrainian Su-25 armed with an Israeli missile to shoot down a Malaysian jetliner that also had a bomb on board over Ukraine.

Leyla: Oh yeah that. I remember.

Man: Right. We did it in order to have an excuse to go to war with Russia, even though all our leaders categorically said there was no military solution to the Ukraine crisis several times.

Leyla: Yeah what was the deal with that?

Man: Even though we couldn’t go to war for reasons that are so complicated I could never possibly explain them, the downing of MH17 did allow us to take one anti-Russian measure.

Leyla: Which was?

Man: Very limited, targeted sanctions that are easily sidestepped in many cases.

Leyla: That’s it?

Man: Yes. In fact, the Russians tell us all the time that the sanctions do nothing, that they actually help Russia, but we don’t drastically increase them or make them stronger or anything, even though there are many stronger methods we could have employed.

Leyla: I don’t get it though. That plane crash killed almost 300 people if I remember correctly. Why would you do something so horrible and then not even do the thing it was intended to justify in the first place?

Man: You know, you’re the first person I’ve ever met who’s asked that question. I honestly don’t know. Seems like kind of a waste.

Leyla: Waste? It’s cold blooded murder!

Man: Maybe, but we had to do it in order to sanction the Russians, even though it’s been almost three years and the sanctions only actually help Russia! If only there was something else we could do besides extending the sanctions every six months and telling Putin that we’ll take them away as soon as he fulfills an agreement that favors him.

Leyla: I thought you control the Western world! The United States! NATO! Why do you engage in all these conspiracies, actually murdering innocent people, supporting bloodthirsty terrorists, and then forget to do the exact thing that was the reason why you carried out these horrible atrocities in the first place? Are you people insane or are you just complete utter morons?!

Man: The second one, I believe. We do control the world, but we’re also complete morons. That’s why many of our schemes are exposed, not by investigative journalists or professionals, but rather people watching Youtube videos.

I’m not sure why that is. Maybe we’re just out of touch with the common man…

Leyla: You know what? I don’t care! There’s no way in hell I’m going to go into Aleppo, live with jihadist terrorists who would probably cut my head off, and write propaganda for you. If you control the Western leaders, just order them to go to war!

Man: Well…I’m sorry you feel that way. I thought you’d be perfect in this position. Just one thing- make sure you don’t tell anyone. So far we’ve been pretty lucky because out of the thousands of people we need to make our conspiracies work, none have come forward to expose us. I’d hate for you to be the first.

Leyla: I wouldn’t worry about that. Who would believe me anyway?

Man: Millions of people with internet connections, that’s for sure.

Leyla: I’ve got to get out of here. Thanks anyway. I’m sorry for wasting your time. I just really hope you’re not going to have me killed.

Man: Of course not! We’ve never managed to kill Alex Jones. Hell, we can’t even get him kicked off Youtube! You’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Have a nice day.

 

 

Russia’s World Cup

Bob: Wow! What an amazing match that was! If you’re just joining us, you’ve missed history in the making. For the first time ever, the Russian national team has won the World Cup, and in their homeland, no less!

Jerry: Yes, Bob, I certainly feel sorry for those viewers who…Hold on a second. Maybe it’s just all the excitement that’s in the air right now, but did I just hear you say that Russia won the match?

Bob: Indeed you did, Jerry! They certainly outplayed their Brazilian opponents and delivered one of the biggest upsets in football history!

Jerry: Wait…Russia lost the match. Brazil devastated them. It was 7-1!

Bob: Jerry, my man, didn’t you hear about the special rule change? It was proposed by Putin and approved by FIFA just before the start of the championship. You’ve got to be pulling my leg.

Jerry: Errr…Of course. But maybe for the sake of the viewers who have just joined us, you could humor me a bit? How did Russia win when they scored only one goal, and Brazil scored seven?

Bob: Well Jerry, it’s really simple. See Brazil scored goals, true. But Russia also scored goals. So in reality both teams are winners. But Russia is the real winner.

Jerry: Uh..That doesn’t make sense. I mean even in the first half Brazil had scored what? Four goals?

Bob: Maybe that’s true, but Brazil has lost World Cup matches before. Why is it everyone talks about Russia’s losses when Brazil has lost plenty of times?

Jerry: I’m not sure that’s relevant, particularly since Brazil didn’t lose this match.

Bob: But both teams scored goals.

Jerry: Russia scored one goal! Brazil scored seven.

Bob: Exactly. They’re the same. They both scored goals. Who is Brazil to judge Russia as a loser? They both scored goals, they’ve both lost in the past. But Russia won this match.

Jerry: Let’s move on for a moment. As I wanted to say earlier, I think the main problem for the Russians is that they had so many penalties, and that quickly removed some of their best players from the match.

Bob: But Jerry, I think you forget that the other side had penalties too.

Jerry: Well yes, Brazil got two yellow cards within the first six minutes of the match, but I don’t think that’s relevant seeing as how…

Bob: Both sides got penalties.

Jerry: Yes, but Russia had more and actually lost some of their players because of it…

Bob: But you admit that they both had penalties.

Jerry: One side had several red cards and…

Bob: Brazil also got penalties.

Jerry: Yes…Brazil got penalties.

Bob: Then the refs had no right to judge Russia as being any worse than Brazil. But Russia is better and it won the match.

Jerry: Well I suppose so, under these wonderful new Putin rules.

Bob: Also the Brazilian team’s coach is a neo-Nazi.

Jerry: WHAT ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU ON ABOUT? 

Bob: He’s a neo-Nazi who tried to rig the match so Russia would lose, but luckily Russia didn’t lose so the match was completely fair.

Jerry: RUSSIA DID LOSE! BRAZIL SCORED MORE GOALS THAN RUSSIA! THAT MEANS BRAZIL WON! 

Bob: So you support the team whose coach is a known neo-Nazi Islamic fundamentalist?

Jerry: I don’t support any team- the Brazilians objectively scored more goals and…wait! Now he’s a Nazi and an Islamic fundamentalist? He is neither of those things!

Bob: Sure, if you listen to the mainstream media.

Jerry: What mainstream media? You just accused a well-known public figure of being a Nazi and an Islamic fundamentalist without any proof whatsoever.

Bob: The mainstream media is withholding the truth. Remind me later and I can send you this article from The Guardian that tells you how the mainstream media does that from time to time.

Jerry: Does what?

Bob: Covers up the truth.

Jerry: So you want to use an article from the mainstream media to prove that the mainstream media covers up certain facts?

Bob: Yes. You should trust this source because it’s from the mainstream media, not some conspiracy website.

Jerry: You still haven’t offered any proof that the coach is a Nazi terrorist!

Bob: Prove that he isn’t.

Jerry: GODDAMMIT, BOB! BRAZIL WON THIS MATCH! BRAZIL SCORED MORE GOALS! BRAZIL IS THE WORLD CHAMPION! 

Bob: But Russia scored goals too. They’re the same. But Russia is the winner.

Jerry: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, BOB?! 

Bob: I have the mental reasoning abilities of a small child, so this logic makes perfect sense to me.

Jerry: Well I…Wait. What?

Bob: You heard me. My reasoning skills are on par with those of a six-year-old, eight-year-old, tops. You’d have to be this way to think those new rules make any sense at all.

Jerry: Geez, Bob, that sounds terrible. I had no idea. Now this is all starting to make sense.

Bob: I’m glad you see it that way. I’m also glad that this is just a satirical piece, which in no way bears any resemblance to real life.

Jerry: None at all. I can’t imagine anyone thinking this way in real life.

Bob: Neither can I. That would be ridiculous. Only a moron would act like this in real life.

Jerry: A complete, total, window-licking moron. You said it, Bob!