Category Archives: Satire

Rally for Free Speech! *

Greetings fellow liberty lovers! In case some of you are not aware, in the near future I will be moving back to the United States for some time, and given the imperiled state of free speech in my homeland, my return cannot come soon enough!

Let’s face it, America has long been suffering under the jackboot of freedom-hating political correctness! People are being locked up just for sharing or even liking posts on social media! No wait…That’s in Russia. But it certainly could be America any day now, and the only way to avoid this fate is to stand up for free speech in all its forms.

This is why I’m announcing the planning phase for the American Islamic State and Al Qaeda Rally for Free Speech, to be held in New York City’s scenic Central Park. This entirely peaceful and non-violent rally will allow American and America-based supporters of the Islamic State and Al Qaeda to put aside their differences and voice their support for the creation of a Wahhabist Sunni Islamic society under Sharia law.

Now I can already hear legions of anti-free speech Stalins objecting to this expression of personal liberty. Many of them will say that the Islamic State and Al Qaeda are terrorist groups. Well that may very well be true of some self-proclaimed members of the Islamic State, as well as some members of Al Qaeda. But if there is an American citizen who is sympathetic to either of those organizations and yet at the same time is a totally law-abiding taxpayer, why should they be denied their First Amendment rights just because some other supporters of said organizations outside the US went to extremes? Also, just because these fine people want to impose their interpretation of Sunni Islamic law doesn’t necessarily mean this would entail violence. It’s entirely possible that the vast majority of Americans will willingly accept this transition to a Wahhabist, Sharia-based society. Many others may choose to vote with their feet and move. There’s no reason to assume that American Islamic State and Al Qaeda supporters are advocating violence unless they explicitly state that they are. Opinions don’t kill anyone.

And if any Social Justice Warriors out there try to point out that the Islamic State and Al Qaeda have regularly carried out violent attacks and atrocities, I would remind them that every story has two sides, and most people these days would caution against trusting the so-called “mainstream media.” Is it right to pronounce these organizations guilty without listening to their supporters’ defense? Have they no right to tell their side of the story? If that’s what you think, maybe you’d be more at home in STALINIST RUSSIA than America. I’ll say it again- freedom…of…speech. The Founders didn’t stutter.

I look forward to the support of the Youtube skeptic and atheist community when it comes to promoting and popularizing this rally for free speech. I know that while many of these personalities have made their careers from criticizing and mocking Islam in all forms, they are also people who live by the dictum of “I disagree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it!”

More than any other demonstration in recent years, the American Islamic State/Al Qaeda Rally for Free Speech will serve as the highest affirmation of Americans’ commitment to the Constitution and its First Amendment. Dates to be announced soon. I hope to see you there! Otherwise you’re a libtard cucklord Commie Cultural Marxist PC SJW who hates free speech! Praise KEK!

 

 

*For those whose ability to detect sarcasm is diminished, and in particular those who work in law enforcement or the intelligence community, this post is STRICTLY SATIRICAL. 

Fake News!

If you read the intro to this site, you’ll see it mentions how I often use humor and satire. Typically, the latter involves writing Onion-style articles which I deliberately make as absurd as possible so people will hopefully recognize them as satire. Alas, sometimes that doesn’t happen.

A couple days ago I posted a satirical article about Russia unveiling a monument to Ukrainian nationalist leader Roman Shukhevych in Moscow as a retaliation against Poland’s destruction of Soviet WWII monuments. I thought the idea of Russia erecting such a monument would be sufficiently absurd as to mark the article as satire, but turns out I was wrong. As it happens, some people mistook it for a real story, especially after it was accidentally reposted on StopFake with no disclaimer that it was satire. I won’t name which country I’m talking about, but I will only say that it borders Lithuania, Slovakia, Ukraine, Belarus, Russia, the Czech Republic, and Germany, and it has a bi-color flag.

Just for the record, Russia did not erect a 10 meter tall statue of Roman Shukhevych.*

In the future I’ll put the satire disclaimers on such articles, but as a rule of thumb if you see something on this site which is written as a news article- that’s satirical. I’m not Paul Goble, who for some reason inexplicably puts locators (the same locator every time) in his blog posts. If anyone wants to see all of my satirical posts, there’s a category for that on the right-hand side.

Thanks and I apologize for the mix-up, Po- er…uh…unnamed Slavic country.

 

 

*The monument is actually 15 meters tall.

Moscow Unveils Ukrainian Nationalist Monument in Response to Poland’s Removal of Soviet Memorials

MOSCOW- A 10-meter tall statue of the nationalist Ukrainian Insurgent Army (UPA in Ukrainian) leader Roman Shukhevych was unveiled in Moscow’s Manezhnaya Square near the Kremlin on Monday. According to Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, the new monument is just one of the many “asymmetrical measures” his government promised in response to the Polish government, which recently announced its intention to remove Soviet WWII memorials on Polish territory.

“The Polish Second Republic, which occupied Ukrainian territory prior to the war, oppressed its ethnic minorities,” Lavrov said at a press briefing in the Foreign Ministry in Moscow.

“This monument shows our respect for a resistance leader who stood up to Polish chauvinism, the same way we are now standing up to Polish chauvinism today.”

However, critics say the move is controversial, pointing out that Roman Shukhevych served Nazi Germany’s military from 1941 till 1943, first in an army battalion known as “Nachtigal” and later in an Auxiliary Police battalion engaged in anti-partisan warfare in Belarus. Both units have been accused of committing atrocities against Jews and other civilians in occupied territory. In 1943 the UPA engaged in the ethnic cleansing of Poles from the region of Volyn. Shukhevych was nominally in command of the insurgent movement at the time, and the event has been a source of controversy between Poland and Ukraine in recent years.

roman

Roman Shukhevych, commander of the Ukrainian Insurgent Army (UPA)

Lavrov responded to critics of the new monument by dismissing all accusations against Shukhevych and his men as “Soviet propaganda,” and alleging the existence of a decades-long international conspiracy to slander Roman Shukhevych and the Organization of Ukrainian Nationalists, of which he was a member.

“I believe every people has a right to its own heroes,” Lavrov told reporters.

“Brutal times called for brutal measures. I won’t get into specifics of what those brutal measures were, but if anyone does they’re probably lying and repeating Soviet propaganda. Also what about Jozef Pilsudski, Michael Collins, or Menachem Begin? Were they angels? I don’t think so.”

Lavrov also dismissed the issue of Shukhevych’s collaboration with Nazi Germany by pointing out that the Soviet Union had signed the Molotov-Ribbentrop Non-Aggression Pact, which he called an alliance between the two states. When one reporter pointed out that unlike Shukhevych’s movement, the USSR had a history of opposing Nazi Germany with force prior to the pact and after the German invasion it went on to destroy the Third Reich, Lavrov said such details were “Ukrainophobic” and called the reporter a “sovok.”

Reactions in Ukraine have been noticeably sparse, although the move was greeted with great enthusiasm from the head of Ukraine’s Institute of National Memory, Volodymyr Viatrovych.

“This shows that Russia has finally broken with its Soviet past,” Viatrovych said.

“Russia has long insisted, like I do, that all Ukrainians idolize Shukhevych and the UPA. On that we were always in agreement, but until now the Russians had never given my- er…our heroes the respect they deserve.”

Viatrovych said that he was most pleased with the size of the monument, noting that Ukraine has nothing comparable. He also added that every attempt to memorialize Shukhevych and other Ukrainian nationalist leaders in Ukraine has typically been met with controversy and opposition. By contrast, the decision to erect a monument was made within a few days, by President Vladimir Putin’s personal decree. According to Viatrovych, this shows the Russian president’s system is far more efficient.

“I now see the wisdom and true leadership ability of Vladimir Putin, I recognize the superiority of the Russian World, and I will assist in any way that I can,” Viatrovych said.

When asked why he would embrace the nation that annexed Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula and started a war that has so far killed over 10,000 Ukrainian citizens, Viatrovych said such questions were “Ukrainophobic.”

So far the Polish Foreign Ministry has declined to comment on the new memorial. Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov promised that his country’s retaliatory measures would continue until Poland halts its destruction of Soviet WWII memorials.

“This is only the beginning,” Lavrov said. “We’re already talking about renaming Tverskoy Boulevard after Stepan Bandera, and we might even name one of our upcoming metro stations after Roman Shukhevych as well. We’ve even got a monument to the Ukrainian Insurgent Navy planned for St. Petersburg. GLORY TO UKRAINE! GLORY TO THE HEROES!”

However, when Lavrov was asked if he felt any solidarity with authorities in Kyiv who recently proposed renaming a major street after Roman Shukhevych, he strongly condemned the move and said that Ukraine was under the control of “Nazis.”

Zakharchenko- Every DNR/LNR Resident Is Now an Independent Republic

DONETSK- In a rapid break with his earlier announcement on the creation of a state of “Malorossiya,” Leader of the self-proclaimed Donetsk People’s Republic Alexander Zakharchenko declared that from now on, every resident of the self-proclaimed Donetsk and Luhansk People’s Republics would be an independent republic on an individual level.

“Novorossiya was declared dead, Malorossiya was a ruse to off-balance our opponents in Kyiv, and now the residents of these territories can truly be free as fully autonomous individual republics,” Zakharchenko said at a press briefing in Donetsk.

The separatist leader finished his statement by declaring himself a fully independent state known as the Zakharchenko Personal republic.

Not all Donetsk residents were enthusiastic about the change.

“I can’t get anything done thanks to my crippling bureaucracy,” said the Olga Personal Republic.

“I’ve spent all morning printing out customs forms so I can continue selling pickles from my garden. Now I’m exporting them.”

Other residents were positive about their new independence.

“Now I can go to bed whenever I want,” said the Vanya Personal Republic, which broke away from the authority of the Sergei and Yelena Personal Republics earlier this morning. The latter two republics, formerly Vanya’s biological parents, are currently negotiating an alliance to discuss the issue of sanctions against the personal republic formerly known as their son.

While Western leaders voiced criticism of the recent declaration, they stressed that Ukrainian authorities should continue to support the Minsk peace process, with the added change of dealing with each autonomous self-proclaimed republic on an individual basis.

When asked what position the Kremlin has on this new development in Ukraine’s embattled Donbas region, Russian Presidential Spokesman Dmitry Peskov said, “You know…Sometimes I like to cut myself…just to feel something. You ever feel like that? Do you?” Peskov then broke down in tears and fled the podium.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko pledged to propose legislation reclassifying the pension payments of newly self-declared republics as “foreign aid.” The bill is expected to be discussed in the Verkhovna Rada in 2024.

Until that point, the Zakharchenko Personal Republic has vowed to continue making increasingly bombastic declarations over the coming weeks.

“You think this is all I’ve got up my sleeve,” the ZPR said after taking a long pull on a plastic jug of windshield wiper fluid.

“Oh I’ve got lots of ideas. I might just declare that our former republics exist in a parallel universe where the Soviet Union never broke up. Or I might declare that we’re all long dead and you’re just talking to my ghost right now. You have no idea what my next move is!”

 

Journalists Stage Uprising in Donbas, Declare Independent Country of ‘Pressia’

DONETSK- War correspondents from around the world working in Ukraine’s embattled Donbas region staged an armed uprising against both Ukrainian government and Russian-backed forces in the region on Thursday. The rag-tag army of reporters, recognizable by their “uniform” of blueish body armor and PRESS logos, held a presentation in the Radisson Hotel in Donetsk to announce the declaration of independence for a new nation they call “Pressia.”

 

“Whereas journalists have for decades put their very lives at risk to inform the people, whereas they have rarely been adequately compensated for that sacrifice, and whereas everybody, everywhere, hates us with a passion, we liberated journalists do declare the sovereignty and independence of the nation of Pressia,” the declaration reads.

Many of the revolutionaries were described as ecstatic by themselves.

“I can’t believe it,” said Roger Felton, a freelancer who is extremely good-looking and until now was forced to work for six different publications just to make ends meet. “Two weeks ago I had to supplement my income by teaching bratty kids in Kyiv, and now I’m a founding father of a new country!”

Tom Rawlings, acting minister of defense for the new nation and an extremely eloquent correspondent who has never been given his due until now, explained why the journalists were able to overpower both the Ukrainian and Russian forces so easily.

“You have to remember that with war correspondents you’ve got people who have prior military experience or have at least witnessed several military conflicts,” he said, running a hand through his awesome hair that looked totally badass with his long beard and olive-drab keffiyeh.

“Besides that, we all have body armor and helmets, some of which are better than those used by the combatants,” he added, putting on a pair of dope shades.

The journalists have formed a provisional council to organize a system of governance in the territory they control. According to sources who are very well-traveled, experienced, and intelligent, the new nation’s government will consist of local autonomous councils making decisions via direct democracy and choosing delegates for higher, regional councils. The system is based on that instituted by the Kurdish Democratic Union Party in northern Syria, where some of the journalist militia leaders have worked in the past.

Apart from radical direct democracy, spokespeople for the provisional council also promised that style guides would be eliminated. Council members affirmed their commitment to human rights, but reserved the right to legislate capital punishment for late payment to freelance writers.

Meanwhile, world leaders, particularly those of Russia and Ukraine, have expressed their opposition to the fledgling nation.

“This is an unacceptable violation of the Minsk process,” said Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko, who is totally lame.

“This is obviously a plot by our Western partners who are desperate to prevent the rise of a multi-polar world,” babbled Vladimir Putin’s deformed spokesman, Dmitry Peskov. His mustache makes him look like a 70’s porn star who did so much coke his eyes are about to burst out of their sockets.

Apart from general whining by loser politicians, overall coverage of the Pressia revolution has been overwhelmingly positive, and is expected to remain so. Spokespeople for the new country asserted that they plan to carry the revolution throughout the world, starting first in conflict areas.

“Journalists of the world, you have nothing to lose but your stupid editors,” said one revolutionary who is definitely a successful well-adjusted adult. “You have the world to gain! Journalists of the world, unite!”

If you are a journalist please see our contacts page to find out how to stake out police or military armories in your locale. Our day has come!

 

Russian Defense Ministry Worried About Positive Image

 

MOSCOW- Recent photographs showing Russian soldiers assisting Kurdish fighters of the leftist “People’s Protection Units” in Northern Syria have become a cause for concern among the Russian military’s top brass. According to a source in the Russian Ministry of Defense, publicity surrounding the photos might reflect positively on the Russian armed forces, which have worked hard to cultivate an image of pure, unadulterated evil since 2014.

The concern over the threat of positive connotations may explain Moscow’s official denials of involvement. Speaking at a press briefing the day after the photos emerged on social media, Kremlin Spokesman Dmitry Peskov insisted that Russia is not involved in helping the Kurds in the North Syrian Confederation.

“All this talk of the Russian military doing something positive or morally correct is nothing but nonsense from the typical sources,” Peskov told journalists.

“I can assure all of you that Russia and its Armed Forces are working their absolute hardest to fulfill their duty of spreading misery to the fullest extent of our reach,” he added.

State media has also hit back at the allegations, calling them “hypocritical,” pointing out that US forces are assisting the same Kurds, and listing numerous historical examples of when the United States’ armed forces acted as a force for good. Sunday news presenter Dmitry Kiselyov reminded his viewers that the US military had been instrumental in such positive historical developments as the abolition of slavery and the destruction of Nazi Germany. He too denied that Russia was deliberately helping the Kurdish movement, insisting that Russia would never support a democratic movement favoring local autonomy, self-administration, and radical women’s rights.

“It’s absurd,” Kiselyov told his viewers.

“Why would we, a nation with a highly centralized authoritarian bureaucracy bolstered by a fascist-inspired imperialist ideology want anything to do with these so-called ‘democratic confederalists,’ who insist that women are something other than breeding stock, entertainment, and a means for obtaining kompromat?”

Despite official denials, sources within the Ministry of Defense say that the command is taking the issue of its image very seriously and is looking for ways to compensate for its potential improvement.

“They’re frantically searching for ways to offset the potential improvement of their reputation,” said Gennady Borisov, a retired Soviet/Russian General who now works for a Moscow-based think tank dedicated to security issues.

“Any potentially positive action on the part of the Russian armed forces is a serious black mark on their image, so all options are on the table- stepping up the shelling of civilians in Ukraine, bombing hospitals in Syria- these are just two examples.”

Borisov said that the Ministry of Defense may even decide to take even stronger, proactive measures such as dropping napalm on a maternity ward in a relatively peaceful area of Syria or releasing a video of Russian soldiers crushing newborn kittens.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures, as they say. It might sound revolting, but it’s nowhere near as bad as having people all over the globe think that our armed forces were involved in something positive.”

Russian Aircraft Carrier Suspected in Robbery

MALAGA- Spanish law enforcement authorities suspect that the Russian aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov may have been involved in the armed robbery of a supermarket in Costa Del Sol.

Investigators have submitted a request to inspect the Russian naval vessel to the Russian Foreign Ministry and Ministry of Defense, according to the National Police Corps’ press office.

“Based on eyewitness statements and security camera footage from the store, we have decided to pursue the Admiral Kuznetsov as a per- ship of interest in the robbery case,” said Alejandro Ramirez, the lead investigator on the case.

Spanish authorities noted that the aging aircraft carrier, which passed by Spain during its voyage back to Russia after completing its military mission in the eastern Mediterranean, had already been implicated in another incident in Madrid one week earlier.


READ MORE- Russian Aircraft Carrier Kills 4 Pandas on its Way Home


On the night of 18 January, cashier Pilar Espinoza noticed that her small supermarket was rapidly filling with smoke. At first she suspected a fire, but seconds later one of the shop’s walls collapsed entirely and she heard a loud, booming voice demand all the money in the register.

“I couldn’t get a good look at him, or it, because of all the smoke, of course,” Espinoza told a local news outlet.

“I just threw the money in the direction of the voice, and when the smoke cleared I saw this giant trench running from the store back in the direction of the beach. It was like some giant monster just dragged itself out of the sea.”

Meanwhile, Moscow has refused to even consider the Spanish request, denying any connection between the robbery and the Admiral Kuznetsov.

“It’s simply absurd- no foreigners will be allowed to inspect one of our naval vessels after making such baseless accusations,” Russian Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman Maria Zakharova wrote on her personal Facebook page.

Russia’s Ministry of Defense also slammed the request, dismissing claims that the aircraft carrier had been involved with any mishaps while at sea.

“Preposterous. The Admiral Kuznetsov had nothing to do with this incident,” said Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu.

“I have been reliably informed that the carrier successfully completed its mission in the Mediterranean and has definitely not become self-aware nor malevolent. I am saying this entirely of my own volition.”

It is expected that Spanish authorities may appeal to Angela Merkel to present their case to Russian President Vladimir Putin.