Category Archives: Good Stuff

BREAKING: Batman fights drug dealers in Moscow suburb!

I don’t normally do breaking news here but what I have just learned is unprecedented. Prepare to witness the greatest thing in 21st century Russian history. This may very well be the salvation of Russia. Today he fights minor criminals on the streets. Tomorrow he may go after the criminals in the Kremlin. He is vengeance. He is the night. He is…BATMAN! 

No I’m serious. There’s a guy beating up drug dealers in the Moscow suburb of Khimki and he’s dressed as Batman. Here’s an excerpt from Meduza:

“Law enforcement officers told the newspaper Moskovsky Komsomolets that, earlier this month, a taxi driver in the Khimki area witnessed a man dressed as Batman exit a building that later proved to be a drug den. The taxi driver says the Batman threw some kind of fire bomb at the ground and then disappeared into the shadows (see the video below). Police officers soon arrived, entered the building, and soon walked out escorting two men in handcuffs.”

He even uses smoke bombs, as you can see in the video:

 

This is simply awesome. In fact, on this occasion it might be good to talk about Batman’s relations with Russia. First of all, Batman in Russia is approximated as Бэтмен, which would sound something like “betmen” in  English. This is interesting because the actual word for “bat” in Russian is летучая мышь (lyetuchaya mysh’), meaning literally “flying mouse.” Obviously they went with “Betmen” because it sounds better than saying “Flying Mouse Man” in Russian, whereas Spider-Man is known as Человек-паук (Chelovek pauk) or “Man spider.”

The prospects of a real Russian Batman are quite interesting indeed. After all, in the past few years the kind of crime once associated with Russia’s “Wild 90’s” has started to rear its ugly head once again. Not only that, Russia has a perfect rogue’s gallery of supervillains for Batman to battle on a regular basis. Here’s a few I just thought of off the top of my head:

Mr. Big: His nickname being a subtle joke about his tiny stature, Mr. Big is the head of the Kremlin Kriminal Krew (KKK). His skills in judo more than make up for his lack of social skills and generally bizarre demeanor. Over the years Mr. Big has become more and more disconnected from material reality, blaming all his problems on gremlins he calls “foreign agents.” Often unable to appear in public for unknown reasons, Mr. Big often prefers to speak through his press secretary Dmitry “The Mustache” Peskov.

The Joker: Originally a TV host named Dmitry  Kiselyov, working for Putin’s regime caused him to undergo a psychotic breakdown. Now he is obsessed with fighting what he calls an “information war,” and to that end every week he assaults Russia’s television audiences with lies so ridiculously hilarious they can actually cause rational people to laugh themselves to death.

The Rotenberg Gang: Two brothers, two partners in crime. Thanks to their relationship with the biggest crime boss in Russia, these two oligarchs are able to rob the whole country blind without jimmying open a single door or pulling a gun.

Mesmerizer: The secret alter-ego of ex-railroad magnate Vladimir Yakunin, the Mesmerizer can stun and totally disable people by lecturing them about convoluted Western conspiracies against Russia.

Ms. Two-Face: The Joker’s female sidekick with a passion for culinary arts and whataboutery. She runs Russia’s foreign language media empire with the help of her gang of ludicrously overpaid expats. Flips a coin to decide whether to claim her TV channel is “no different from Western networks” or “more objective than the mainstream media.” Her only weaknesses are accurate TV ratings reports and financial accountability.

The Worst Person in the World: Born Pavel Astakhov, The Worst Person in the World AKA Captain Cocksplat defends domestic abusers, condemns disabled orphans to woefully underfunded facilities rife with abuse and exploitation, and defends polygamous marriage of teenage girls to middle-aged men.

The Mountain Wolf: The only man in Russia that strikes fear into the heart of Mr. Big. So much fear, in fact, that Mr. Big routinely pays the Wolf millions of dollars from the state budget. The Mountain Wolf is a flamboyant villain, sporting gold-plated pistols, flashy cars, and an incredibly expensive cat.

Gummy Bear: By day he’s mild mannered Russian prime minister Dmitry Medvedev. By night he…sleeps. Sometimes he plays badminton. He likes his iPhone.

As you can clearly see just from this preliminary brainstorming session, Russian Batman will have his hands full with these and dozens of other villains who belong in Arkham Asylum, or failing that, the bottom of an abandoned mine somewhere near Vorkuta.

I’m sorry but I just can’t go on writing anymore- this is simply too awesome.

Russian Batman. He’s the hero Russia needs.

 

 

The Good Stuff VI: Not getting shot

First of all no, I didn’t watch Putin’s speech. The only thing surprising about it was that he apparently didn’t mention Ukraine at all. Other than that it’s the same old bullshit he’s been saying for years now. “Blah blah sovereignty…blah blah…chaos…blah blah there have been some difficulties but things will get better for reasons I won’t go into…blah blah <random idiotic statement>” There, I just saved you the trouble by summing it up for you.

Now on to the good stuff. What’s that you say? I’m still writing the Good Stuff series after everything that’s happened in the last two years? Well yes I am. So long as there is something positive to find here, I’ll acknowledge it, and after last night I’m about to do a lot of acknowledging.

If I haven’t written about it here before, one quandary my wife and I have about moving back to the States is that it’s the easiest place for us to move to, yet it is a very unappealing option, at least for the time being. The ideal choice since we started contemplating leaving Russia has always been some third country, probably in Europe. Part of that is due to career considerations, culture, interests, hobbies, and oh yeah, not wanting to get shot.

It’s not just about getting shot. People in Syria and Ukraine are getting shot at all the time. There’s just something extra infuriating about living in one of the world’s leading economies, once the country with the highest standards of living in the entire world, and then getting unexpectedly gunned down by some “gentle loner” who was upset about abortion. Or maybe it’s a young man who’s upset that girls won’t have sex with him. Or maybe it’s a little terrorist who blames black people for the failures in his life. Maybe it’s a group of terrorists who shot members of Black Lives Matter, but according to their lawyer are “white supremacists,” not racists. Yeah. Or maybe some idiot mother owned numerous assault weapons (Yes, they are assault weapons) and let her fuck-up of a son get to them so he could go murder children. Or maybe It’s just some whackjob who somehow managed to get ahold of an assault weapon and ammunition with no trouble whatsoever, all so he could go and murder people trying to watch a shitty Batman movie.

And then, of course, we had yesterday’s shooting in California, a shooting that occurred even before some of the victims from the last shooting spree, the one in Colorado, were buried. Think about that for a second. But hey, so far I’ve read that at least one of the shooters may be non-white and Muslim, so at least this crime will get labeled terrorism.

These things are becoming so repetitive that I worry I’m becoming repetitive as well. I’ve seen other writers and commentators compare it to a sort of after-shooting ritual where we go through the motions. Hoping that I’m not repeating myself here, I’d like to share an anecdote that really underscores what I’m talking about when I say I’d rather not move back to the States.

A few days after the Aurora shooting, I went to the cinema. We’re sitting in the middle row and as the lights dim I suddenly come to a realization. I could go to cinemas in this country every goddamned day and never have to even consider the possibility that some jackass will come in and start pumping rifle rounds into somebody. Yeah, there was Nord-Ost, but that was a terrorist attack. Those people had to plan and finance their vile mission. The Sandy Hook shooter just had to take his mom’s guns.

This sense of security has always been with me here, no matter how bad things get. I go to shopping malls, events, public squares, crowded metro stations, and the last thing I’m thinking about is “Maybe someone will start shooting as many people as he can see.” Yes, we still have the threat of terrorism, but I’ve got to hand it to those FSB guys- they’ve been doing a pretty good job, at least in Russian territory. Better than the French or Belgian authorities, that’s for sure. Then again, if they do slip up, the last hostage crisis you want to be in is one where your rescuers are Russian counter-terrorism teams. After Beslan I wouldn’t be surprised if the next “rescue” operation involves leveling the building with a Buratino.

Again, though, that’s terrorism. It’s rare in most of the developed world. Yet in nearly ten years in Russia I’ve never heard a single real gunshot, unlike in my old neighborhood back home. The closest it gets are blanks in historical reenactments. The only time I was anywhere near a crazed Russian maniac wielding an assault rifle was when I was in Avdiivka. And speaking of Avdiivka, prior to that the only shots I’d heard fired in anger were back home, and that just a few days before I left the States, ostensibly for good. Think about that. To hear more people shooting at each other I had to go to the front line of a war zone. There is something very wrong with that.

Yes, there is violence in Russia. Yes the homicide rate is higher than in the States, though there are a number of factors which skew that and others which must be taken into consideration. At the same time, most developed nations with sensible gun control laws have homicide rates that are far lower, ridiculously lower than the American rate. No, the “criminals” don’t get guns anyway. These countries just have flat out lower gun crime, in some cases nearly non-existent gun crime, and yet somehow don’t turn into dictatorial tyrannies either. Imagine that.

I’ve never faced real violence in Russia but I feel a lot better about the fact that here, I feel like I’d at least have a fighting chance. If not that, like in a situation where the person is armed with a knife, there’s always this very effective knife defense known as running away. Try outrunning a bullet.

I’m perfectly fine with people having reasonable access to guns, including semi-automatic models, but there needs to be rigorous regulations and restrictions to make sure they are only in responsible, competent hands. Plenty of people have pointed out that it is more difficult to get a drivers license in the US than a gun. Let’s start there. Demonstrate competence in storing, using, and maintaining firearms, and obtain a license after a thorough background check. It’s not perfect but it’s a start. In the military you have shit tons of firearms and ammunition on post, yet access is restricted and everyone is trained and qualified. And guest what- army posts and Marine bases aren’t having shoot outs every few days or so. In fact, they’re actually somewhat rare. Could that have something to do with the fact that firearms ownership is restricted on military bases?

Sometimes I ask myself why bother even talking about this. Just as readily as I can provoke whatabouts from Kremlin supporters, all I have to do is say “Maybe we should think about doing something about guns…” and the tsunami of stupid crashes over me. “MUH RIGHTS! CAWNSTITUSHUN! IF ONLY THEY’D HAD A GUN AT THAT SCHOOL! <RANDOM BUMPER STICKER QUOTE>!”

Yes, yes. You’re right. If you restrict gun sales or ownership in any way, shape, or form, the US will become a dystopian tyranny, a la the UK, Germany, Australia, Norway, Japan, Canada, etc. Yeah I know, if only those Jews had guns there’d be no Holocaust. That’s why Germany goosestepped all over Europe until 1943- nobody had ever thought of opposing them with guns. Yeah I know, if you had been there with your concealed carry Glock, you would have stopped the Aurora shooter, the Sandy Hook shooter, the Columbine Killers…just pick one. Yeah, good luck with that.

So yeah. I’m pretty much done. Barring someone giving me a shit-ton of money so I can travel outside the US frequently, I’d really rather move to just about any country between Russia and my bullet-riddled former home.

Point for Russia here, folks.

 

UPDATE: Earlier in this article I used a link which claimed there have been more mass shootings than days in 2015. This link, however, disputes that. While I would dispute some of their own claims, they raise enough solid points to show that the definition of “mass shootings” picked up by some media is ridiculously vague. In spite of that, other firearms homicides, accidents, and attempted mass shootings are still a serious problem.

The Good Stuff V: Sports fans

If you’ve been following the blog lately, you might be shocked to see that I managed to come up with another item for “The Good Stuff” series. Well, sorry to disappoint you, Russophobic pigs! Seriously though, this is something that Russia deserves credit for. I am in this case speaking of the attitude towards sports and athletics in Russia.

Now yes, Russia has sport problems comparable to other European countries, such as football hooliganism, and sometimes people confuse their country for a sports team, but that’s a political matter. I want to posit that Russia has a much better attitude towards sports and physical activity than the United States, and to do so I must begin by saying what’s wrong with the attitude in the latter.

Though it is 2014, there is still a belief in America that to be a man is to love sports. Key word here is “love” sports, not “do” sports. It’s perfectly fine to be a gelatinous pile of adipose matter so long as you always catch “the game” and you’re able to rattle off statistics. If you can drop all kinds of historical facts about past presidential elections and Supreme Court decisions, that’s “useless knowledge” in America, while knowing how many yards so-and-so ran to win Super Bowl whatever-the-fuck, you are manly. I can’t claim to have done the research myself, but I’m pretty certain the ratio of die-hard sports guys to guys who actually play sports regularly is pretty imbalanced in favor of the former in the US.

No comment.

No comment.

Now anyone familiar with Russia knows that the “real man” bullshit in this country is just as intense if not more so than in the US.  That being said, it seems to me that a far greater percentage of people in Russia, including women, either regularly engage in some sport-like activity or have done so in their past.

More importantly, while Russia isn’t exactly the critical thinking capital of the world, I have to say that the anti-intellectualism associated with the US and especially its sport fans is non-existent. Russians value education. Perhaps they don’t respect a flabby nerd who has nothing but his intellect, but at least with most generations there doesn’t seem to be that idea that intelligence and strength must be mutually exclusive.

I can appreciate a culture which puts a high emphasis on sports and fitness, but more specifically actually doing sport of fitness activities as opposed to watching other people do them and constantly talking about it. Full point for Russia here.

The Good Stuff IV: Bad Comedian

One should not be surprised to learn that Russia has its own internet celebrities. And while many of them aren’t much different from those of the Anglosphere, some stand head and shoulders above the rest. Today allow me to introduce you to one such individual, Evgeniy Bazhenov, better known as “Bad Comedian.”

Russia's film critic

Russia’s film critic

Bazhenov is most of all a film critic, and well known for his excellent take-downs of some of Russia’s worst films. I first got acquainted with him via his review of Burnt by the Son 2 (Утомлённые Солнцем 2), one of the most vile films ever to be made about the subject of the Great Patriotic War, and at the Russian taxpayer’s expense no less. I’m including one part of that review here in spite of the lack of English subtitles. If you are not fluent in Russian it will be difficult if not impossible to follow, but the viewer can at least get a taste of what he has to deal with.

For the non-Russian speaker let me just say this about that film. That film might as well have been made by Adolf Hitler. The Adolf Hitler, Fuhrer of the German Reich. Fuck it. This film is Hitler!  The director, of course, was the delusional Nikita Mikhalkov, and it would not be any stretch of the imagination to say that he might actually believe the events of the film to be accurate. I mean in the sense that he might think he was actually there. Trust me, you don’t know this man the way I do. He went on TV once and read a 10,000 word manifesto about how to save Russia. Big shocker- turns out the solution is for Russians to be really religious and obedient to a strong leader who will tell them what to do and essentially treat them like children. Like most Russian patriots, Mikhalkov despises the Russian people and can’t help but depict them as utter idiots in his films. What more can you expect from a man who receives state money to defile the memory of the Great Patriotic War?

Bad Comedian demonstrates the typical reaction to Mikhalkov's films.

Bad Comedian demonstrates the typical reaction to Mikhalkov’s films.

Money is something Bazhenov focuses on, that is to say he always shows you the budget of the film, its sponsorship, especially if it involved the Ministry of Culture, and the results, which are most often losses and not profits.  I’ve even seen him describe it as a form of money laundering in an interview with the now-defunct Moscow News. This is a tragedy because with state funding far better films could be made. We Americans have good reason to be disappointed with Hollywood these days, but they are at the mercy of the market, and that severely restricts what they can do. With far less money than that required for a Hollywood summer blockbuster the Russian state could bankroll some truly amazing films, especially on subjects like the Great Patriotic War. Of course they could do that so long as they gave the money to a visionary director who uses the revolutionary historical film-making technique known as “reading history books” or hiring a handful of the thousands of historical reenactors one can easily find in Russia.

Mikhalkov doesn't need your stupid "history book."

Mikhalkov doesn’t need your stupid “history book.”

As far as I know, only one Bad Comedian video has English subtitles. It is a review of a PC game called Company of Heroes II and I highly recommend watching it.  I can’t vouch for the quality of the subtitles as I only watched the Russian version.

Russian gamers felt really betrayed by that game because apparently they really liked the series. They must have been elated to hear that the sequel would take place on their front, but then devastated to find it full of ridiculous propaganda, stereotypes, and nonsensical things pulled directly out of the asses of the writer Quinn Duffy(no, not the actor).  Like most contemporary games dealing with WWII in the USSR, the main source of “research” is the film Enemy at the Gates from 2001. Apparently you can legally rip off all kinds of things from films and put them in video games, as the original Call of Duty proved.  Of course the saddest thing is that Russian-made films like Stalingrad(2013) and the Burnt by the Sun series make Enemy at the Gates look like a goddamned documentary.

Now if the reader has already seen a bit of Bad Comedian’s work, I want to head off a few criticisms which might come to the Western viewer’s mind.  First, I realize that there is a strong urge to compare him to that unholy child of Satan himself, aka Nostalgia Critic, aka That Guy with the Glasses.  I realize why that comparison comes to mind but the similarity is only superficial. First of all, Bad Comedian actually does reviews, whereas Nostalgia Critic always does these long commentaries which should be called synopses as opposed to reviews. Bad Comedian also doesn’t shoehorn in so many sketches or forced memes. Lastly, and most importantly, Bad Comedian does not screech while “stutter-cursing” and waving a toy gun around.  More importantly, Bad Comedian actually has a cause, exposing the corruption and degeneracy of the modern Russian film-making industry.  So rest assured, he’s no Nostalgia Critic.*

I regret that I could not find more of Bazhenov’s material in English or with subtitles, but I thought he deserves exposure to the Anglosphere. I’m confident that if people like him had the resources and the clout, they could seriously clean up Russia’s piss-poor film industry and turn it into something profitable and respectable not only in Russia, but the world.

 

*If you don’t know who Nostalgia Critic is, consider yourself fortunate. Google at your own risk.

The Good Stuff Part III: Your wedding traditions suck

Without a doubt, we Americans have the stupidest traditions when it comes to the process of getting married. Let us examine American wedding traditions and see how they stack up to those of Russia. Hopefully by making Western readers aware of these facts, it will spark a movement to ditch our corporate-contrived “traditions” and adopt far more economical, practical, and reasonable customs of Russia in this particular sphere.

Getting Married in America 

-“Tradition” dictates that the man should propose in public, typically making the biggest scene possible. You’re having a good time at a restaurant or sporting event, and suddenly you find yourself bidden to give your attention to some jackass who gets down on one knee and proclaims, “Madison, ever since I got you pregnant last month I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Will you marry me?” We’ve all seen videos of poor saps who get rejected, sometimes in the middle of a basketball court in front of thousands of people. Instinctively we feel embarrassed for both parties, but in reality we should hold the man in utter contempt. He’s using all of us as an audience to pressure his girlfriend into saying yes, and if she refuses we have to feel awkward as a result. Could you imagine a married couple engaging an entire restaurant to witness one of their arguments? No, that’s “making a scene” and it’s bad because it makes everyone uncomfortable. But we’re all supposed to turn our attention away from our own very important business to watch total strangers take their relationship to another level, which statistically will lead to divorce within a few years. Thanks, asshole.

Occasionally I’ve heard American women brag about how “traditional” their fiances are, apparently because they asked their  father for their “hand in marriage” prior to proposing directly. This isn’t more traditional. This is fucking stupid. Aside from the idiocy of asking an adult woman’s father in a modern, free society for his permission to marry her, you’re not some kind of nobleman and neither is he. You work at Best Buy, he manages a fucking Denny’s. Chances are he’s not angling for the chance to marry off his daughter to some man who has landed titles or who can at least offer a large dowry.  Ask your girlfriend directly, and not in public.

-Diamond engagement rings. Ah yes, we all know the tradition that a man should spend two months salary on a diamond engagement ring. It is a deep-rooted custom which stretches far back into the depths of human history all the way to…1939-1947, the period in which the De Beers diamond cartel hit America with an advertising blitzkrieg aimed at making people think that diamond engagement rings are an essential part of getting married. Hollywood was happy to do its part as well.  So basically we think that no proposal can be acceptable without a “traditional” diamond engagement ring solely because…a company which sells diamonds basically told us so. This is a societal equivalent to the “wallet inspector.”  (Here’s an amusing video if you’d like to learn more. If you’re looking for more in-depth history on De Beers and their bullshit, look here.)

-The average American wedding costs something between $25,000-27,000, forcing some families to go into debt for their little girl’s big day.  All that money goes to planners, the dress you wear once, a tuxedo, the rings, bouquets, catering, limousines, DJ’s, etc. I was shocked to find that even in my home state, which is not known for having very high costs of living, a significant portion of weddings are over $10,000, with a slight majority being just under that.

-Brides wear a white dress, and ignorant people crack jokes about the color because they think it has something to do with virginal “purity.” Do you want to know where the white dress tradition comes from? Right here:

Behold, your goddess, ladies! Still want to follow the tradition of wearing white? Why not follow some of Queen Victoria's other traditions, such as marrying your cousin, for example?

Behold, your goddess, ladies! Still want to follow the tradition of wearing white? Why not follow some of Queen Victoria’s other traditions, such as marrying your cousin, for example?

That’s right. Queen Victoria started the trend of wearing white wedding dresses, and you know it couldn’t have anything to do with “purity” because Vicky very famously loved the cock. Loved it.

-You are expected to get married in a religious institution or failing that, by a member of some clergy.  I remember attending weddings where I knew damned well that the bride and groom were not religious, and as far as I know never went to church, yet there officiating their wedding was a pastor or priest.

-The father walks the bride down the aisle, signifying that he is giving his property daughter away to the husband, who will be granted official rights to bone her shortly thereafter. Father-husband parallels make me sick.

-The flower girl and ring bearer- why? I was a ring-bearer one time when I was about 7. Fuckin’ nailed it, of course.  But it seems sometimes that these poor children are chosen in hopes that they will do something amusing and it will be caught on video. Admit it. If you choose a 5-year-old nephew to be a ring-bearer, you’re secretly hoping he’ll blurt out some curse word he saw on TV the other night or piss himself at the altar. You’re setting these kids up for failure. You don’t need a flower girl or a ring bearer. The best man can carry the damned rings, and you’ve got plenty of flowers all over the place. If you must preserve these two make-work, unproductive job titles, give them to family members who are no younger than 10. By that age they have a firm understanding of what shame is, and the crucial role that feeling plays in making us functional, well-adjusted people.

-People at the weddings publicly making jokes about what the couple will be doing later that night. For some unknown reason it is perfectly acceptable for friends and family of the bride and groom to make “jokes” about how the newly-wedded couple will most likely be fucking later that night. No shit? In most cases they’ve already been doing that for months at this point. That’s why the bride’s two months pregnant. I realize this practice seems to run in certain demographic groups in the US, but I’m sad to say my family seems to be totally afflicted by this matrimonial social-filter breakdown. Can you imagine the same people making these cracks a couple years down the road, perhaps at a Thanksgiving gathering?

Married man: “Well thank you so much for a wonderful evening, but Madison and I have to get home.”

Father(winking furiously): “What’s the rush? Looking to spend some time alone with my daugher?”

Mother: “Oooh I bet these two are gonna be up aaaaaaaaaaaaall night!”

Married man(muttering to himself): “Tonight’s the night. I do her, the kids, and myself. Sweet release of death. I await you with open arms.”

Getting Married in Russia

-First off the bat there is one caveat I should mention, and that is the ridiculously bureaucratic process of getting the marriage registered. You and the bride must fill out a form with laser-like precision, and a desk-jockey will then examine the forms and your personal documents with the scrutiny of a watchmaker. They will look at individual letters in your names and occasionally lengthen lines or correct minute parts of those letters to ensure that they are perfect. That process was the toughest crisis my marriage has ever faced to date.  Another issue is the massive pain in the ass it is for the bride to change her name on all her documents, but I’m told it is similarly annoying in the US and luckily it’s not a problem for her to keep her own surname if she so wishes. I recommend it. This way if you are ever murdered, your wife will be able to secretly track your killers until it’s time to wreak bloody vengeance upon them. They won’t see it coming.

Anyway, yes, the paperwork aspect of getting married in Russia is annoying, but that’s not something the US needs to adopt.

-I have never seen a Russian man publicly propose to a woman anywhere. In fact I asked students over the years how to propose marriage and I was given two common examples. One is that a couple lives together for a long time and then one day the man or the woman will suggest getting married. Another common way is for the prospective bride to make the proposal, with the traditional phrase “I’m pregnant.”  I just casually popped the question on a Sunday morning, in my own place.

-No engagement rings. It’s pathetic how badly Russia beats America in this category because with Russian society being as it is, you would think that diamond engagement rings would be all the rage, especially given the fact that American TV and Hollywood movies have been very popular here ever since the 90’s. I’ve heard of some people buying diamond rings but De Beers thus far hasn’t been able to work its dark magic here for some reason.

-Costs. When I tally up everything associated with my wedding, that is to say every piece of notarized paperwork, wedding rings, wife’s dress(she bought it herself), restaurant, fees, etc.  The total comes out to around $1100. I just wore my best suit while my wife’s dress can be worn on other special occasions. We could have paid extra to have the band play the traditional “Wedding march” as we walked out of the hall after the short ceremony, but guess what- we didn’t! If I’m going to walk out with my bride to a march, this is what I’d choose.  Americans can call us cheap all they want. We used the money we saved to travel to three different countries.

-Russians get officially married in a state office, not in churches or religious institutions. You can get married by a priest or imam, but that marriage isn’t recognized by the state unless you go through the state wedding ceremony. You know what’s nice about getting married by a state official? They make it short and sweet instead of rambling on with that “Dearly beloved” bullshit. Then you get to sit down and sign this contract and the whole affair looks like you are two heads of state securing a free trade deal or a non-aggression pact.

"Let's see here. Blah blah blah...Sudetenland...yada yada...shall be annexed by Germany...blah blah... Screw it. I'm sure everything's in order here."

“Let’s see here. Blah blah blah…Sudetenland…yada yada…shall be annexed by Germany…blah blah… Screw it. I’m sure everything’s in order here.”

-No sick father/husband parallels.

-No stupid kids dicking up the ceremony.

Conclusion

Russian wedding traditions win, hands down. Perhaps if we started doing things this way in America, minus the nerve-wracking bureaucracy associated with the pre-marriage paperwork, we’d have a lot more successful marriages.

Also, I’m sorry but I can’t stand the name Madison for girls. It literally means “son of Matthew.” Is your name Matthew? Is your daughter your son? If you answered no to either of those questions, do not name your daughter Madison.

The Good Stuff Part II: Aeroflot

Today I was planning to write a “Good Stuff” article about the subject of weddings and marriage in Russia. After finally posting the previous entry I knew that there would still be dozens of people who would miss the point and stupidly characterize it as “Russia bashing,” therefore I figured it should be followed up with a positive article where I present one of the few aspects of life in which Russia whoops America’s ass hands down. Marriage, as in the process of getting married and the traditions associated with it, is one of those categories. At least that was what I was going to do, until I saw this recent entry from one of my favorite blogs, Gin & Tacos. So it looks like the marriage article will have to wait till later this week, because here we have another aspect of life that actually happens to be better in Russia.

I highly recommend reading the article because Ed is a hilarious writer, but for those of you who can’t bear to leave my page I’ll summarize. It’s an open letter to American Airlines, who gave the author a serious dicking over during his recent vacation. Thanks to this and a few other articles I’ve read over the last couple of years, I’m starting to get wise to the fact that air travel in the US sucks now. The last two times I flew to the States I used Delta, but lately I read online that Delta is worse than Hitler. Now I realize that some American readers might be wondering how I could possibly be unaware that air travel in America sucks, but that’s what happens when you spend roughly eight years in Russia, only returning to the US twice in that whole time.

For most of my flights since moving abroad I have flown Aeroflot. I returned to Russia on Aeroflot. I then used Aeroflot to fly to Turkey two out of the three times I’ve been there, and I’m planning a fourth. I’ve flown it to Spain, China, Krakow, and Vilnius. I have never had a problem with it.  Scratch that, I had one “problem,” which I would like to relate now.

It was late December 2009, I was flying to Istanbul. If I remember correctly heavy snows had just started a few weeks prior; winter had arrived. For those who haven’t been to Russia, know that there have been years where we have virtually no snow until late December, or later. Snow may fall as early as October, but this will usually melt quickly due to bizarre temperature changes. Our flight was delayed, naturally. The explanation they gave was that the airport was short of ground crew and there was an issue with prepping our plane, so they decided to switch it for another plane.  This was probably the safest bet.  Incidentally the plane was a Russian Tupolev but I have to say that inside there was nothing radically different from a Boeing or Airbus. In total I think the delay lasted maybe three hours, but in the meantime we were given vouchers for food, in stark contrast to poor Ed of Gin & Tacos. His flight, in the summer, was delayed for “weather.” We had a fucking blizzard outside.  A similar thing happened the following year, once again going to Istanbul but in this case it was a charter airline. Delays yes, but we made it, snow be damned.

I can say one thing about my American flying experience in recent years. Without going into details, I had to travel to several American cities back in 2012. Between major cities, the only flights I could find from Delta were flights which had stops in between, despite the distance not being terribly far. What is more, some of the stops actually entailed flying in the opposite direction. There was also some kind of issue in Minneapolis involving roller bags. Apparently too many people, i.e. everybody but my wife and I, had roller bags and they had stored them in the overhead compartment, thus leaving no room and requiring people to fly with their coats on. The attendant made several requests for people to voluntarily check their roller bags to make room, but alas a prisoner’s dilemma arose and nobody wanted to check their precious roller bag.  Why the fuck are roller bags allowed as carry on luggage in the first place? Make people check their fat, inflexible roller bags and this problem will not occur.

Also despite being Delta, I don’t remember any actual meals during the flight. I distinctly remember than on flights between Phoenix or Houston and New York there used to be meals. Not the kind of meal you would get on an international flight, but meals nonetheless. For fuck’s sake I once flew from Vilnius to Moscow via UTAir, a lesser-known Russian airline, and despite the fact that it was a twin-engine prop-plane I still got a complete meal for a flight which was just over two hours.

Security checks have caught up with the US in the sense that you can no longer carry large amounts of liquid on board with you, but on the flip side despite having body scanners and making you remove your shoes the security checks are not really invasive. I’ve never heard any Russians complain about being groped. Probably the only disadvantage of Russian airports is the slow passport control, but I’ve seen worse, much worse. In Krakow we must have waited at least 45 minutes in a passport control line, around noon, much of that time standing still. Apparently a thirty-something blonde Russian woman bore an uncanny resemblance to some Salafist arms dealer and thus the customs official had to make several calls to determine if it were safe to grant her entry into Poland.

So apparently this is just one of those things I’m going to have to get used to whenever, if ever I end up back in the United States. We’re constantly told that the free market ensures more choices and greater service, and yet it seems that every major airline in the US excels at treating its customers like shit.  This serves as one of those reminders that the only reason I’m considering moving back to the US is because it is the sole other option open to me. This enjoys the company of other things such as potentially terrible internet service, lack of employment prospects, and horrible political views rooted in profound ignorance.

"The captain has turned off the fasten seat belts sign and you are now free to GO FUCK YOURSELVES!"

“The captain has turned off the fasten seat belts sign and you are now free to GO FUCK YOURSELVES!”

The Good Stuff

Over the past  week or so I’ve been thinking about how most of the posts on this blog could be construed as negative, to say the least. In part that is totally logical; the blog is dedicated to fighting distorted press about Russia, whether that press is biased against or in favor of the country.  A lot of my entries deal with the delusional rants of “Team Russia” fanatics who try to present Russia as some kind of great rising empire emerging from the so-called “crumbling” West which, oddly enough, still enjoys far higher living standards in spite of said crumbling.  On the other hand I have dealt with many hysterical “anti-Russian” articles, but even in those cases, for the sake of honestly, I’m compelled to report negative facts about Russia. In other words, no, Putin is not “killing people,” but here are actual problems the sensationalist author could have written about instead.  So even in defense of Russia, some entries naturally come out negative.

The other major factor behind this phenomenon is that I have an innate aversion to those expatish-sounding articles which paint Russia as a magical, mysterious wonderland, dropping in little Russian cultural references every other sentence so as to display my “authenticity.” When I read one of these articles where every other word is “kvas,” “borscht,” or “babushkas,” along with numerous shoehorned references to Master and Margarita, I just can’t take it seriously. It’s amazing how that style of writing affects people; one time I was having a conversation with an expat writer and he was actually dropping Russian references even though we weren’t really talking about Russia.

The last factor is a matter of privilege.  Russophile expats often love writing long lists of why it’s so great to live in Russia, often directed at Russians who express an interest in emigration.  Why would they want to leave when it’s so wonderful here? What these writers often ignore is that they don’t live here like ordinary Russians. Aside from having the ability to leave the country as they please, they are typically paid far more than the average Russian, even for the same work.  This isn’t exactly as unfair as it sounds. There is usually a reason for the gap in pay, even if it is based on factors outside of people’s control. In any case, there are many advantages to living in Russia which I am hesitant to count because they are connected to these privileges of working abroad.

So in case you, the reader, are wondering why I don’t spend more time talking about positive things in Russia, those are the conditions which shape the tone of this blog. It’s not intentional. For this reason, I have decided to implement a sort of affirmative action and periodically post something genuinely positive and informative to the reader interested in experiencing Russia. So without further ado…

Good things about Russia: Part I

The Moscow Metro

I come from a city which is in infamous for it’s shitty public transport system. As a result, I tended to admire any city with a subway system when I was younger. Now I’ve both visited and lived in many cities with subway systems and while many of them may have aspects which are far superior to those of the Moscow metro, the Moscow metro always wins hands down in any thorough comparison. The main advantages it has are price, frequency of trains, and the fact that its network is so extensive, covering most of the city. But let’s look at a little comparison based on other cities’ subway systems. I hate to sound like an expat writer here, but the Moscow metro is the Kalashnikov of public transport systems. It may not be the prettiest, but it works no matter what.

New York

I have never used the New York subway system, but I know plenty of people who have used it regularly and their complaints are numerous. For me the tipping point was when I was participating in a comments section where many New Yorkers were describing their subway experiences.  One woman made a reference to flashers on the subway. Another woman related her story. I casually asked them if this was a regular thing, because the way they wrote implied that it was. Another female New Yorker informed me that it was quite common and related her last unfortunate experience, when a late night passenger sat starring at her, apparently masturbating.

Now plenty of Muscovite women have tales of sexual harassment on the metro, but what they report simply doesn’t compare to the stories I’ve heard about New York’s subway system. Obviously exhibitionists must exist in Russia, but it seems to me that a lot of scumbags here at least observe a certain unspoken agreement that the sanctity of the metro must be preserved. So many people depend on it that the city would degenerate into chaos. For that reason, they somehow manage to resist their compulsion to whip their dicks out in public. Question their motives if you must, but that’s good enough for me.

Prague

In contrast to New York, where I have no experience, Prague is actually the foreign city I know best as I lived there for roughly half a year. I don’t remember the Prague metro ever being crowded, but there are only three lines and trains are not as frequent as Moscow. Prague’s system also has a strange paradox because unlike most transit systems, you don’t need a ticket just to get in. You buy tickets which you can validate in various places, including the station entrance, but if you’ve already done that you just walk right down to the platform. Fares are enforced by plainclothes inspectors who ask to see your pass or a valid ticket. It’s pretty rare, but sometimes they will be standing by the exits from a station platform randomly stopping people.  This creates a situation whereby if you spend any amount of time in Prague without being stopped by an inspector or passing through a random ticket-checking patrol, you inevitably understand that you could have been riding for free the whole time.  Yes, there can be heavy fines for riding without a valid ticket or pass, but that’s only if you get checked. As far as I can remember I had been riding trams and metro trains in Prague for at least a month before an inspector asked to see my ticket, which means that whole time I could have ridden for free. Kind of a dick move there, Prague.

Istanbul

As far as I know, Istanbul’s metro system is relatively new. I only used it one time during the three times I was in Istanbul.  I liked the wide train cars, the fact that you could change lines without going up or down any escalators, and the fact that special color-coded stickers which look like footprints can be followed to the other station when transferring. On the other hand, the system didn’t seem to cover much of the city, at least when I was there. In Istanbul’s defense, this is not exactly a city you can go digging up left and right.

Beijing

Beijing’s stations look super-modern, and I was impressed by what seemed like rather spacious, modern trains. Beijing stations also have special glass panels which help channel traffic on and off trains, as well as force would-be suicidal people to find other means of offing themselves. The main disadvantage of the metro is the fact that you have to x-ray any bags before entering. That and the confusing ticket system where you have to keep your ticket to get out. Shanghai’s system was a little bit more annoying, as far as I can remember. The shocking thing about the Beijing metro hit me the  first time I experienced the Monday morning rush. Prior to that, I had been surprised to see that the metro didn’t seem unusually crowded at all.  That Monday was different.  Imagine being in a tunnel, shoulder-to-shoulder, chest to back with hundreds of people, wall to wall. At transfer stations, this slowly moving mass of people is controlled by a sort of traffic light system, whereby one tunnel full of people has to periodically wait while another one empties into the other station.  The Moscow metro can get ridiculously crowded on a daily basis, but I’ve never seen anything like what I saw that morning.

Boston

The T is the first subway system I ever rode on, so it holds a special place in my heart. Having said that, I was in Boston in 2012 and the infrequency of trains and the price seemed really noticeable. That and you can be run down by the trains in Park Street station. The Moscow metro has truly spoiled me.

London

All British people I know share the opinion that the London Underground is essentially the public transport equivalent of Adolf Hitler. I found the fare system ridiculously complicated and the trains were apparently designed by hobbits.  Also I learned that when you hear “mind the gap,” they really mean mind that fucking gap. It’s not even a gap, it’s a goddamned cliff. Also instructions in London often tell you to “alight” at a particular station. I do not “alight.” I’m not a fucking butterfly.  The only advantage the London Underground has over the Moscow metro is the fact that it is in London and not in Russia. That’s it.

So there you have it, folks. Other subway systems may possess an advantage or two over that of Moscow, but in the end the Moscow metro either wins because it simply has more advantages of its own, or because that other system also has a glaring flaw, be it frequent station closures or an unusual preponderance of public dick-wavers. For the time being, the Moscow metro conquers all.

The ever-expanding web of public transport.

The ever-expanding web of public transport.