Choose Your Own Hunter Biden Conspiracy!

Why let Rudy Giuliani and Glenn Greenwald have all the fun when you too can make your very own Hunter Biden criminal conspiracy theory! Just follow the instructions below and pretty soon you may find yourself a guest on the Tucker Carlson show or, worst case scenario- some shitty podcast with an ‘ironic’ name like “The Russian Bot Disinfo Hour.”

START

One day you were sitting in your computer repair shop reading the Bible when a man came in to drop off:

A: A laptop

B: Several laptops

C: A laptop and smartphone

D: ALIENWARE AURORA RYZEN™ EDITION R10 GAMING DESKTOP

Although you could not visually ID the man for medical reasons you cannot explain to anyone, you later discovered that he was Hunter Biden because:

A: The property he left had Hunter Biden’s name scrawled on it in magic marker.

B: There was a sticker that said “Definitely not Hunter Biden’s property,” but you figured that had to be a psychological ploy and thus assumed the opposite.

C: You instantly recognized Hunter Biden’s unique pheromone scent on the keyboard/keypad

As you worked on the electronic devices, you suddenly noticed a folder containing:

A: A file named HunterBidenPersonalCrimeJournal.docx

B: Video files with names like Doingsomecrimes.mp4 and Buttstuff.avi

C: A folder with all four seasons of Small Wonder, downloaded from a Russian torrent site

D: Bitcrack, digital cryptocrack that can be transferred via the internet.

You have seen clear evidence of wrongdoing by Hunter Biden on these electronic devices, but you cannot share them with the media because:

A: You turned them over to the FBI

B: Hunter Biden will track you down and kill you- his name is literally Hunter!

C: You made a blood pact with the dark gods to never divulge these secrets

Now the media are starting to ask uncomfortable questions about your story. What string of random words and phrases are you going to use to assure people that you definitely have evidence that Hunter Biden is a criminal?

A: SHOKIN! BURISMA! ZLOCHEVSKY! LUTSENKO! SERDUCHKA! BANDERA! HORILKA! VYSHYVANKA! CHERKASSY! KYIVSTAR! OBOLON!

B: MOSCOW MAYOR! CHINA! BENGHAZI!

C: A rant about child trafficking with lurid details that you definitely just ‘heard about’ during your many hours of ‘researching’ child trafficking on the dark web. Again, all for ‘research’ purposes because you want to ‘save the children.’

Uh oh! It seems your little stunt may be getting you in hot water with law enforcement! How will you explain why you’re suddenly backing away from your previous statements and refusing further interviews?

A: Say the deep state is trying to kill you but keep on living and working in the same place like everything’s normal

B: You received a message from Q telling you not to give anymore interviews because it will delay “The Storm”

C: There’s some series on Netflix you need to get caught up on

D: Explain that you have to go now because your own planet needs you

THE END

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