Guest Op-Ed: Ukraine Should Open a Hell Portal in Russia

By Very Serious Journalism Man 

First I’d like to thank the owner of this blog for allowing me to guest post my thoughts about what Ukraine definitely needs to do before this year’s World Cup Championship in Russia. As some of you might have already read, Russia recently opened up a road bridge to the illegally occupied Crimean peninsula. The gauntlet has been thrown down, and if Ukraine wants to prove that it’s a real country and not a cucktry, it needs to respond in kind.

How should a country respond to a foreign aggressor building an illegal bridge? Simple. You escalate. They build a bridge in your country, so you use advanced wormhole-creating technology to open a literal gate to hell in their country. As Sean Connery said with his horrible impression of an Irish accent in The Untouchables, “That’s the Chicago way!”

I’m pretty sure Ukraine has scientists. They had the Chernobyl disaster and they managed to fix that somehow. You don’t do that without scientists. A lot of them. With US backing, and perhaps the help of genius entrepreneurs like Elon Musk, it’s not at all unrealistic for Ukraine to create some kind of device which will be able to open a portal to the dark underworld somewhere on the other side of the Russian border.

Let’s see Putin smirk about not having any troops in Ukraine when literal demons are slaughtering people in the streets of Moscow! Hybrid warfare? How do you like interdimensional warfare, Ivan?!

Ukraine needs to do this before the opening of the World Cup, otherwise it’s a little chicken country and has no friends. But if it mans up and pulls it off, the US should support Ukraine wholeheartedly in this endeavor. The current US administration is wholly capable of handling any consequences from such an operation, but it won’t have to because there won’t be any.

I am a serious journalism man.

 

 

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