DONETSK- In a rapid break with his earlier announcement on the creation of a state of “Malorossiya,” Leader of the self-proclaimed Donetsk People’s Republic Alexander Zakharchenko declared that from now on, every resident of the self-proclaimed Donetsk and Luhansk People’s Republics would be an independent republic on an individual level.
“Novorossiya was declared dead, Malorossiya was a ruse to off-balance our opponents in Kyiv, and now the residents of these territories can truly be free as fully autonomous individual republics,” Zakharchenko said at a press briefing in Donetsk.
The separatist leader finished his statement by declaring himself a fully independent state known as the Zakharchenko Personal republic.
Not all Donetsk residents were enthusiastic about the change.
“I can’t get anything done thanks to my crippling bureaucracy,” said the Olga Personal Republic.
“I’ve spent all morning printing out customs forms so I can continue selling pickles from my garden. Now I’m exporting them.”
Other residents were positive about their new independence.
“Now I can go to bed whenever I want,” said the Vanya Personal Republic, which broke away from the authority of the Sergei and Yelena Personal Republics earlier this morning. The latter two republics, formerly Vanya’s biological parents, are currently negotiating an alliance to discuss the issue of sanctions against the personal republic formerly known as their son.
While Western leaders voiced criticism of the recent declaration, they stressed that Ukrainian authorities should continue to support the Minsk peace process, with the added change of dealing with each autonomous self-proclaimed republic on an individual basis.
When asked what position the Kremlin has on this new development in Ukraine’s embattled Donbas region, Russian Presidential Spokesman Dmitry Peskov said, “You know…Sometimes I like to cut myself…just to feel something. You ever feel like that? Do you?” Peskov then broke down in tears and fled the podium.
Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko pledged to propose legislation reclassifying the pension payments of newly self-declared republics as “foreign aid.” The bill is expected to be discussed in the Verkhovna Rada in 2024.
Until that point, the Zakharchenko Personal Republic has vowed to continue making increasingly bombastic declarations over the coming weeks.
“You think this is all I’ve got up my sleeve,” the ZPR said after taking a long pull on a plastic jug of windshield wiper fluid.
“Oh I’ve got lots of ideas. I might just declare that our former republics exist in a parallel universe where the Soviet Union never broke up. Or I might declare that we’re all long dead and you’re just talking to my ghost right now. You have no idea what my next move is!”