The Interview: Syria Edition

Early 2016

New York

Leyla, a 22-year-old Syrian-American girl, walks into an office for a job interview. She’s greeted by a sinister white-haired man seated behind a desk.

Leyla: Hello, I just wanted to thank you so much for reading my resume and giving me this opportunity to…

Man: No need for that. As soon as I read it I knew you were perfect for the job.

Leyla: Really? I mean as I said in my cover letter, I don’t have extensive experience as a social media manager but  I…

Man (laughing): Oh that! Social media manager…Right! No. Never mind that. Now that you’re hear, it’s time you learned what this job actually entails.

Leyla: Er…What…exactly is this?

Man: I work for George Soros, the most powerful man in the world. He’s a liberal Communist fascist Zionist who is funding Islamic fundamentalists and Ukrainian neo-Nazis in order to destroy Russia.

Leyla: Uh…I’ve heard of George Soros…but I didn’t know he uh…

Man: Is a liberal Communist fascist Zionist who funds Islamic fundamentalists and Ukrainian neo-Nazis in order to destroy Russia and all of Western Civilization?

Leyla: Yeah. That part. That sounds…uh…kind of contradict-

Man: Well it’s not. It makes perfect sense if you think about it, but there’s no time for that. Let me explain the position to you. You might want to take notes.

Leyla (taking out a pen and searching for paper): Right. Right. Okay. So if it’s not a social media manager position, what is it?

Man: Simple. You’re going to be a false flag actor.

Leyla: A what?

Man: I don’t know if you follow the news from your home country Syria…

Leyla: I was born in Queens.

Man: Whatever. Anyway, Aleppo is under siege. That brilliant fox, Vladimir Putin, and the equally clever Bashar al Assad have our jihadist Islamic State and al-Nusra forces surrounded and they’ve laid siege to the city. We need more people to go there and pretend to be poor, suffering civilians on ground. Your job will be to go on Twitter and maybe Facebook and tell people about how the Russians and government forces are bombing hospitals and schools even though they totally aren’t. Well, to be honest sometimes they do, but that’s only when the schools and hospitals are being used by the jihadist fighters we’re secretly funding. I don’t know where the Russians are getting their info! But I digress.

Leyla: Uh…Wait. Hold on. I have a few questions here to say the least. I don’t even know where to  begin. Maybe I should start with the part where I followed an ad that asked for a social media manager, and now you’re asking me to go to an active warzone.

Man: Yes, Aleppo. I thought we were past that point.

Leyla: And you said this Aleppo is full of jihadi terrorists.

Man: That’s correct. Everyone there is a terrorist. Some civilians might be held against their will, but rest assured that any civilian complaining about Russian or government bombing is one of our people.

Leyla: So you want me to go into this war zone, and live with Islamist jihadist terrorists?

Man: Yes, your job is to provide cover for them.

Leyla: Provide cover and propaganda for terrorists? Couldn’t the FBI arrest me for doing that? Couldn’t they arrest you for paying someone to do that?

Man: Uh…No.

Leyla: Why not?

Man: Because we control the Western world and the media. Soros, remember?

Leyla: Okay let’s forget that for a second. Why exactly would I be doing this?

Man: Again, it’s to gain sympathy for the terrorists in Syria. See you are, if you don’t mind me saying, a rather attractive young woman who can relate to Westerners. You’ll be on Twitter constantly, telling people about all the horrible atrocities of the government and their Russian backers. People will feel sympathy, and eventually there will be an outcry for Western military intervention even though we’ve been running this operation since 2011 and nothing like that has ever materialized.

Leyla: Why is that even necessary though? You just said that Soros, you, whoever, controls the Western world? Why doesn’t the US, maybe NATO, or something, just intervene already? You’ve had years to do something about it!

Man: No no no. You don’t understand how these things work. You need a pretext to go in. Western people won’t support a war without a good pretext.

Leyla: Oh like Iraq? WMDs? A lot of people protested that and they didn’t stop it. Bush was even reelected!

Man: Well you see that was our mistake. We were supposed to hire some people to plant WMDs in Iraq that the US forces would discover. Turns out the guy got sick though. That’s why we’re more conscientious these days. Hence the job.

Leyla: I can’t believe I’m even acting like I’m going to entertain this idea, but give me an example of something I’d actually be doing in this, job, as you call it.

Man: Glad you asked! Here’s an example. Let’s say the Russians bomb this building that is chock full of ISIS terrorists, who we’re funding, of course. What you’re going to do is go on Twitter and post a video where you say this was like, a hospital or a nursery school or something. You’ll have little child actors there ready to play the wounded. We even have fake child corpses too.

Leyla: Wow. That’s disgusting.

Man: Maybe, but quite realistic. We even have animatronic wounded children too. They’re so realistic the only way we’ll ever get discovered is if some really obsessive shut in goes through them frame by frame and analyzes ever little pixel.

Leyla: Yes that sounds amazing but more importantly, you said when a building gets bombed. You’re sending me to an active war zone, where people get bombed.  Where I can get bombed!

Man: Well yes, of course, but only for a little while. If you work hard and gain enough sympathy, I’m sure NATO will declare a no-fly zone, if not launch a full-scale invasion of the country.

Leyla: Right, and how do I know when they do that I won’t be labeled a terrorist by them, since you said I’m going to be working for terrorists?

Man: They won’t do that.

Leyla: Why wouldn’t they do that?

Man: They just won’t. Don’t think about it.

Leyla: Alright forget that for a second. Let’s just say I’m doing this job, and then not enough support for an invasion materializes and the city falls to Assad’s forces. What then?

Man: Well I wouldn’t worry too much about that. Contrary to what we make the media write, Assad is actually very friendly and merciful. You’ll probably be given medical treatment for any injuries as well as free lodging and meals. We’ll try to get you out later.

Leyla: Yeah but I could still get killed during the fighting for the city, right?

Man: Well that’s very unlikely. For one thing, Russian bombs never hit civilians, ever.

Leyla: Never?

Man: It’s absolutely true. Of course we’re lying about it for propaganda purposes, but just listen to their Ministry of Defense. Every bomb they drop kills only ISIS fighters or other jihadists. That’s why it’s so important for us to help them out before their forces are crushed.

Leyla: That sounds pretty dangerous.

Man: Look, just the other day I hired a 7-year-old girl to do this same job. A 7-year-old! She’s clearly not afraid.

Leyla: I wouldn’t say I’m so much afraid as I am highly confused. I can remember hearing a lot about all this civilian suffering in Syria for a few years now. If you control everything, why don’t you just invade?

Man: I already told you we can’t. We need mass outrage among Americans, because the American government literally can’t go to war without the polls being for it. The president has to think of his reelection.

Leyla: But Obama was reelected about a year after this stuff happened. He had four years to do something. It doesn’t make sense.

Man: Yes it does. All of this makes perfect sense. These are real things that actually happen and are entirely logical for reasonable adults to believe. I know because prior to this I worked on the MH17 operation.

Leyla: What was that again?

Man: It’s when we used a Ukrainian surface-to-air missile and a Ukrainian Su-25 armed with an Israeli missile to shoot down a Malaysian jetliner that also had a bomb on board over Ukraine.

Leyla: Oh yeah that. I remember.

Man: Right. We did it in order to have an excuse to go to war with Russia, even though all our leaders categorically said there was no military solution to the Ukraine crisis several times.

Leyla: Yeah what was the deal with that?

Man: Even though we couldn’t go to war for reasons that are so complicated I could never possibly explain them, the downing of MH17 did allow us to take one anti-Russian measure.

Leyla: Which was?

Man: Very limited, targeted sanctions that are easily sidestepped in many cases.

Leyla: That’s it?

Man: Yes. In fact, the Russians tell us all the time that the sanctions do nothing, that they actually help Russia, but we don’t drastically increase them or make them stronger or anything, even though there are many stronger methods we could have employed.

Leyla: I don’t get it though. That plane crash killed almost 300 people if I remember correctly. Why would you do something so horrible and then not even do the thing it was intended to justify in the first place?

Man: You know, you’re the first person I’ve ever met who’s asked that question. I honestly don’t know. Seems like kind of a waste.

Leyla: Waste? It’s cold blooded murder!

Man: Maybe, but we had to do it in order to sanction the Russians, even though it’s been almost three years and the sanctions only actually help Russia! If only there was something else we could do besides extending the sanctions every six months and telling Putin that we’ll take them away as soon as he fulfills an agreement that favors him.

Leyla: I thought you control the Western world! The United States! NATO! Why do you engage in all these conspiracies, actually murdering innocent people, supporting bloodthirsty terrorists, and then forget to do the exact thing that was the reason why you carried out these horrible atrocities in the first place? Are you people insane or are you just complete utter morons?!

Man: The second one, I believe. We do control the world, but we’re also complete morons. That’s why many of our schemes are exposed, not by investigative journalists or professionals, but rather people watching Youtube videos.

I’m not sure why that is. Maybe we’re just out of touch with the common man…

Leyla: You know what? I don’t care! There’s no way in hell I’m going to go into Aleppo, live with jihadist terrorists who would probably cut my head off, and write propaganda for you. If you control the Western leaders, just order them to go to war!

Man: Well…I’m sorry you feel that way. I thought you’d be perfect in this position. Just one thing- make sure you don’t tell anyone. So far we’ve been pretty lucky because out of the thousands of people we need to make our conspiracies work, none have come forward to expose us. I’d hate for you to be the first.

Leyla: I wouldn’t worry about that. Who would believe me anyway?

Man: Millions of people with internet connections, that’s for sure.

Leyla: I’ve got to get out of here. Thanks anyway. I’m sorry for wasting your time. I just really hope you’re not going to have me killed.

Man: Of course not! We’ve never managed to kill Alex Jones. Hell, we can’t even get him kicked off Youtube! You’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Have a nice day.



8 thoughts on “The Interview: Syria Edition

  1. AndyT

    I’d have gladly replaced Leyla… too bad a pro-Kremlin organization’s better proposals (and lower credibility standards) have already caught my attention.

    Btw, from this moment on, you can call me Ahmad.

  2. Shalcker

    Hey, why would he offer to go to Aleppo? Noone fact-checks anyway, just post stories from your own flat, like Syrian Observatory for Human Rights guy does…

  3. The good guy

    Hahahahahahahahahahahah fuck this was good… Man this needs to become a skitch on YouTube. This is gold. In fact this could replace asutin power.


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