Dispatches from a Trump presidency

October 2018

WASHINGTON D.C.- Just halfway into his first term, president Trump is struggling to explain away dozens of broken campaign promises while the nation’s economy suffers continuous blows and its infrastructure continues to crumble. Just two weeks ago, another road bridge in Ohio collapsed. State officials blame the disaster on local politicians who ignored numerous warnings about the state of the bridge, but some veteran pundits in D.C. have another explanation- the Russian connection.

“It’s painfully obvious who’s behind all this,” said journalist Abbey Appleton.

“Vladimir Putin has been waging hybrid warfare against America for years. He got his puppet Trump into the White House. Now he’s using the fifth column in this country to destroy infrastructure like our roads and that bridge in Ohio.”

Appleton is one among several well-known pundits and think tank academics who have found Russian president Vladimir Putin to be behind a number of social ills in the US. But most of all they say, is president Trump.

“In 2016, Hillary ran a flawless campaign,” said Jason Keller, another beltway pundit who sees Putin as the root of Donald Trump’s electoral victory.

“She talked about foreign policy, free trade, the need to maintain strong multilateral relations with our traditional allies abroad- all things that resonate deeply with middle America. Since she had no actual flaws, how else can you explain her loss but by the intervention of Putin?”

Keller went on to explain how he believes Trump is actually working for the Kremlin.

“No other presidential candidate has had closer ties to Moscow since Henry Wallace,” Keller declared.

Keller refused to answer any questions as to the vast ideological differences between Wallace, Trump, the Soviet Union, and post-Soviet Russia, dismissing them as trivial. When asked what he thought about Wallace’s progressive stance on civil rights, he said that this too had been an example of KGB active measures.

“You have to understand that just as the Kremlin is using Black Lives Matter to do its bidding today, they were using the so-called civil rights movement back in the 1960’s. Not only have I found a wealth of primary sources linking the civil rights movement to Communism, but I also looked at surveys of whites in pre-1964 America and a large number of them said they didn’t see any problems with racism or discrimination at all. Are you seriously going to tell me that whites would be racist and not know it?”

Keller similarly dismissed challenges that his “primary sources” came from racist organizations.

“Nonsense. We all know Russia is behind the far right. Always has been,” he said.

But while most of the pundits who see the Kremlin’s hand behind the nation’s woes tend to be anti-Trump, the struggling president does have his supporters, like Republican representative Richard Wagland of Alabama. According to him, Putin may be behind all of America’s problems, but Trump is actually trying to do something about it.

“It’s no wonder Trump might have seemed friendly to Putin during the campaign,” he explained.

“What you have to realize is that our country has been occupied by Russia since Putin came to power in 2000. They have been writing our laws since then. That’s why, for example, we have RT America in D.C. Trump, now that he’s in power, is trying to turn the tide, but we have to help him as he starts to fight back against Putin and Russia.”

According to Wagland, the solution lies in grassroots activism.

“I have created an organization I call the ‘National Liberation Movement’ to support our president and free us from the Russian yoke. Our young activists seek out anti-American activity wherever they find it.”

Critics of Wagland’s movement say it is little more than a “gang of thugs,” citing a recent egg-throwing incident at a performance of The Nutcracker suite by Tchaikovsky last Christmas season. Wagland, however, refused to condemn the actions of his movement.

“I realize things can get out of hand sometimes, but these young activists have a very simple demand- freedom from Russian occupation. What does it say when at Christmas, our most cherished national holiday, a theater puts on a performance of Russian music instead of something American? I can understand why some people might lose their temper.”

It’s not clear exactly where the accusations against Putin will end any time in the near future. Having already named Putin the culprit behind America’s crumbling infrastructure, Appleton is currently working on a new piece which details the alleged Kremlin connection to America’s mass shooting phenomenon.

“Mental illness? Poor gun control laws? Nonsense,” Appleton says.

“This has hybrid warfare written all over it. These spree shooters are Putin’s little green men in America.”


14 thoughts on “Dispatches from a Trump presidency

  1. Mr. Hack

    I only bring it up because you’ve recently lamented about your emplyment situation. Your style would blend in quite well within their format, and get you out of Russia (I believe you’ve mentioned the possibility of leaving Putinstan)…Your portfolio is worth sharing!

  2. Mr. Hack

    I found your current opinions regarding ‘Trump, Putin’s puppet’ to be interesting and shared your piece ‘It’s Not Gonna Happen’ with an elderly Greek friend of mine who like you, is of a liberal political leaning. I was totally surprised about how he sized you and your ideas up:

    ‘A Pinko Ukrainian? I do not believe it. I think Kovpak is a plant, All that Trump said seems to fit in with his trying to save money by damping down the rivalry with Russia.
    He thinks more cooperation is needed and so he is willing tio deemphasize Ukraine, and insist that NATO countries pay their own way and not depend on US
    funding. Jim Kovpak said nothing about that, He is just a plant, not to be trusted. Trump seems well aware that the scythes are being sharpened by his followers. He
    wants to dampen the share of the economic pie the military gets. LOOKS bad for Ukraine.’

    So you see, it’s not only Trump that Putin has by the balls….:-) 🙂

    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      Yeah that’s the point where I would dismiss someone. This is how ridiculous it’s become these days.

      Ask your friend if this is something Putin would like about Trump: http://europe.newsweek.com/trump-says-us-should-shoot-russian-planes-if-putin-calls-fail-454902?rm=eu

      Also it’s interesting that he opposes a racist like Trump, while engaging in the racist act of associating ethnic groups with particular political ideologies (obviously “pinko” is a joke, but I am a Marxist). What if we were to play the same thing with him? You said he’s Greek…so what could we associate with Greeks? Hmmm…

      But seriously, I get that shit all the time. If I’m not being accused of working for Soros, I’m working for the Kremlin.

      1. Mr. Hack

        A ‘Marxist’, really??…I didn’t think that there were any still around, at least not outside of the University environment?…You seem rather complementay (overall) regarding the free market system and the benefit s that have been associated with it. You seem fair in criticizing the system too. A piece where you more fully explain what a 21st centrury Marxist is all about would be beneficial.

      2. Jim Kovpak Post author

        People tend to forget that Marx saw the bourgeoisie as revolutionary and progressive, and did not shy away from the achievements of capitalism. On the contrary, he saw communism as impossible without the development of capitalism to lay the foundation so-to-speak.

        Unfortunately far too much of what is left of Marxism these days is still mired in the Cold War and outgrowth of 1917, and yes, it is often relegated to universities. They all struggle to come up with some Mulligan to explain away the failure of the 20th century, rather than analyzing the situation at hand and developing a new theory based on that.

        Look at it this way- does the supporter of the current status quo agonize over trying to justify slavery, colonialism, and other less savory aspects of early capitalism? Of course not. They’ll happily condemn those and tell you that we’ve done better. Why Marxists don’t do the same is beyond me at this point. You’ve got those who would rather spend all their time arguing it wasn’t as bad as everyone thought; they may often have a point but who cares? It’s not relevant today. Then you’ve got those like the Trotskyites, who assure us everything would have gone totally different had this one guy been placed in charge instead of this other guy. And because their hero wasn’t in charge, everything went wrong.

    2. Jim Kovpak Post author

      There are also ties between Hillary’s supporters and Russia, such as these folks everyone loves: http://www.goldmansachs.com/worldwide/russia/

      And there’s this: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/24/us/cash-flowed-to-clinton-foundation-as-russians-pressed-for-control-of-uranium-company.html

      The truth is that Hillary isn’t going to be any harder on Russia than Obama. They’re letting Putin get away with all kinds of shit right now. Trump is probably more likely to start a war with them, over the stupidest reason no doubt.

      1. Asehpe

        I guess the thing with Trump — and that is probably what makes him attractive to such a wide spectrum of different people — is that he’s unpredictable. “Let’s shake things up”, they say. “Even if it’s worse, at least it’s not the status quo.” Yes, Trump will destroy the feminazis, while supporting Planned Parenthood, and then he’ll say something completely inappropriate about his daughter Ivanka, be accused of rape, and then completely ignore it and suggest his attackers had connections to the Kennedy assassination. The average Trump supporter will laugh at all that, saying to himself, “That old bastard Trump has done it again!” and go on supporting him. It’s almost as if Trump were some sort of dear family member; or like he was some sort of conservative Kennedy analogue, with Melania as his Jackie. It’s all guts. “I wanna see what he’s going to do next, tee hee hee.”…

        In other news — I can’t resist to nitpick (my nit collection covers all the walls of my office), so… “the Russian yolk” -> “the Russian yoke”. 🙂

  3. rodsjournal

    Hi Jim,

    I enjoyed this piece, as I do most of yours, satire or otherwise.
    I’m a ‘medium’-ish-time reader of your blog and first time commenting here.

    What do you think of this article on Trump’s Russia/Putin connections, or at least inclinations?

    Yes I’m aware TPM is sort of a conservative website. But the writer seems to make a good point about the party platform. Maybe that’s something to look out for, come November.

    Good call-out on the Clintons’ Russia links, btw. Very eye-opening.

    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      There definitely are links and Russia is trying to influence the election, but it’s not as ominous as people think- at least it isn’t if they knew how to react properly. Also, if the Russians actually believe that Trump will be their man after winning, they’re obviously not listening closely enough.

  4. Pingback: 7/29 Weekly Roundup | The Elicitor

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