Updating the list

If you’ve been following Russia closely since about 2012, you know that in spite of the fact that Russia is a rising superpower at the head of a future Eurasian Union, and in spite of the fact that NATO, the EU, and the whole “Anglo-American-Atlantic” order is on the point of collapse due to “degeneracy” and “tolerance,” there is still a long list of mortal threats that could easily bring down the mighty Russian state in a matter of days if not dealt with harshly by the state.

Bloggers, performance artists, musicians, internet memes, people’s likes on social media, and even Netflix are just a handful of the many dire threats which might push Russia over the edge of the abyss at any moment should its leaders become too lax and secure in their ability to provide Russia with that all-too-precious “stability.” Well guess what, folks. Today we add something to the list. You should have seen it coming.

According to entirely rational and well-adjusted adult human Evgeny Fedorov, founder of the patriotic “National Liberation Movement,” the first national liberation movement to liberate a country from itself, has declared that Pokemon Go is a potential threat to Russian security. Here’s an excerpt from the article on Meduza:

“Calling the game a mechanism for the “mental debilitation” of the populace, Federov suggested that Pokémon Go was created by forces that seek to “degrade humanity.” Noting the game’s efficiency at getting people to move through the streets, Fedorov argued that it would be simple for its creators, who he stresses are not Russian, to concentrate people in one location, somehow provoke them, and, thereby, bring about mass riots. His conclusion is that the game’s objective is to destabilize Russia.”

Poor Russia just can’t get a break. First the evil US imperialists, who supposedly already occupy and control Russia according to Fedorov, use things like MMORPGs and Netflix to weaken Russian youth by getting them to sit indoors staring at screens for hours on end. Now the diabolical plotters are getting them to run around outside. No doubt they will attempt to lead the masses to converge on Red Square with the lure of rare and powerful pokemon- then they will suddenly pull the plug on the game, sending the crowd into a Maidan-like rage. This is an entirely plausible scenario. Evgeny Fedorov certainly has no need for strong anti-psychotic medication. Everything made outside of Russia is a plot to destabilize Russia. He knows because he’s worked so hard for Russian stability.

Now that Pokemon Go has been added to the list, I’m going to republish it here in order to ensure that my readers are up to speed.

List of things which constitute a dire threat to the integrity of Russia, the rising superpower which will inevitably overtake the decaying, degenerate United States any day now

  • Pokemon Go
  • Netflix
  • Chill
  • Anti-Corruption bloggers
  • Corruption bloggers
  • Pugs
  • Onion powder
  • Performance artists
  • Musicians
  • Memes
  • Liking things on social media
  • Twerking
  • Not using your government post as a vehicle for self-enrichment
  • Failure to remind audiences that it is illegal to join or be a member of ISIS in Russia
  • Imported fruit and cheese

That just about covers the main items of the list. The list will be updated in the future.

Now at this point I should point out that apart from some other jackasses complaining about Pokemon Go, one shouldn’t draw the conclusion that Russia is declaring war on the new game. The state-owned Sberbank has embraced the game and has started offering insurance for Pokemon Go players. Apparently they will pay out if you are injured while playing the game. No word yet on whether your claim will be upheld if you sustain injuries at the hands of Fedorov’s “National Liberation Movement” thugs or cossacks, however.



6 thoughts on “Updating the list

  1. Asehpe

    I guess the price of stability is eternal vigilance…

    But seriously, how much influence can this guy Fedorov have? Who listens to him? Given that other institutions like Sberbank have embraced the game, isn’t Federov the kind of lunatic that even your average Putin supporter laughs at?

    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      Fedorov is a lunatic but it’s clear he gets some of his marching orders from the presidential administration.

      Putin apologists can try to disavow him, but then they must explain why his followers are allowed to get away with their antics and where they get their ideas about national traitors and such.

  2. Gabriel Gerard

    What is it with authoritarian regimes and being paranoid about literally everything except the things they should be concerned about?

  3. Mr. Hack

    In addition to such frivolities as ‘onion powder’ and ‘twerking’ (had to look that one up, perhaps it’s more serious than what I thought?), how about serious boogeymen like the ‘Nazis’ that are lurking behind every corner, or even worse ‘Banderites’, like the ones that didn’t allow innocent Russian speakers from using their native language in the Crimea? 🙂

  4. ramendik

    While it does seem pretty pathetic to call a game not even released in Russia somehow “anti-Russian”, I’m not exactly happy about the potential for directed video surveillance. Not specific to Russia, of course – I don’t even live there, anyway.

    That, and basic personal safety, means there won’t be Pokemon Go in my family and I don’t recommend it to Ireland.


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