Kremlin: Vladimir Putin comes out in support of whatever cause you happen to believe in

MOSCOW- Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov finally confired rumors that Russian president Vladimir Putin made bold public statements on GMO’s and vaccines in recent years. At a Friday morning press conference Peskov explained that his boss not only had strong opinions about vaccines and GMO’s, but that he actually supports whatever cause any given social media user might passionately support.

“There is no issue that escapes Putin’s concern,” Peskov told reporters. “If you see a viral news story in your news feed and it claims that Putin said something that supports a cause or idea you personally support, you can rest assured that the quote is 100% genuine and Vladimir Putin cares very deeply about whatever issue it is.”

The Kremlin’s confirmation dispelled controversy which erupted after the dissemination of a number of viral news stories such as one headlined “PUTIN EXPOSES VACCINES,” wherein the Russian president had allegedly claimed that vaccines were a plot used by “Western governments” to enslave humanity.

In that article, Putin was reported to have said: “When your children are barely human, psychologically-altered bots, their nerve cells and synapses failing to connect, and their neurodevelopmental processes dulled to the point of restricting them to sub-human level repetitive grunts and gormless stares, what are you going to do then?”

Critics initially pointed out that the style, vocabulary, and subject matter of the quote in no way resembled anything the president had said before, but the Kremlin’s confirmation this morning has put their objections to rest.

Experts say that this precedent now confirms the Russian president also firmly supports a host of other causes that social media users care about, from gun ownership to economic theory.

Ron Howell, 36, of Lubbock, Texas says he came to admire the Russian president for his stance on gun rights.


Example of a viral “meme” with a formerly controversial quote

“To be honest I never really thought about the president of Russia- I’d always figured he was just another Commie we’d forgotten to kill in WWII,” Howell explained as he sat in his living room cleaning one of several semi-automatic firearms while wearing full US military-spec tactical gear.

“But then one of my buddies from the range shared this quote from Putin on Facebook and I realized that the Russian president is one of us. I like him a whole lot better than that Kenyan Marxist Nazi usurper Obama. No wonder the liberal media’s always on Putin’s case.”

Nick Grimes, 21, a computer science student at UCLA, says he was impressed by the Russian president’s thoughts on free market economics.

“Look, I’ve taken econ 101, I’m a regular on the Misis Insitute forum, I know how economics works,” said Grimes.

“Unfortunately are glorious leaders don’t know jack. They think they can just keep spending and borrowing forever, providing welfare to lazy people while strangling the industrious, the job creators.”

Grimes found encouragement in his Facebook news feed, however, when a friend shared a image of Putin expressing his opinion on economic policy. putinfreemarket

“Finally, someone gets it, I thought,” Grimes explained. “I’m already thinking of moving to Russia and starting a business there. If I stay here, the government will just tax and regulate me to death.”

Still others see in Putin a crusader against out of control capitalism and corporate domination, such as Jason Ellis, 22, a political science student at Boston University.

“Obviously our own leaders don’t care about wealth inequality just like they don’t care about racism, misogyny, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, gender-binary normativity, cultural appropriation,decolonization, Palestinian rights, speciesism, classism, or post-industrial post-modernist third wave anarcho-feminism, but that’s not the case in Russia,” Ellis said, who was wearing a souvenir ushanka hat complete with a Soviet army badge in spite of the pleasant 75 degree weather.


“This is why the Western media is always demonizing Putin, especially after he stopped the neocons’ fascist neo-liberal coup in Ukraine from spilling over his borders. He’s a threat to the Global North’s hegemony.”

Ellis added that he too hopes to move to Russia one day, as he heard they have free healthcare there.

Until Friday, most Russia experts and Kremlinologists would have laughed at the idea that Vladimir Putin actually supports so many disparate and often contradictory causes, but now each and every social media user can be certain that if they see a quote from the Russian president that appears to agree with their worldview, they are in fact getting Putin’s genuine opinion on the matter. putinlp

“Let me make this absolutely clear,” presidential spokesmen Peskov said when questioned by skeptical reporters at this morning’s press conference. “Putin totally supports anything you happen to believe in. So be sure to share that picture or link.”





10 thoughts on “Kremlin: Vladimir Putin comes out in support of whatever cause you happen to believe in

  1. Rose Regan

    No offense, but how the hell can people be that stupid to buy that shi* from him! It’s another putin gangster+gangster cronies = putingangster statement.

    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      People like this idea that they have powerful allies somewhere. Most of these people also have a very binary understanding of the world, whereby if their government or media appears to always criticize someone or some country, they assume that the target of criticism must be virtuous in some way. When they think this way long enough, they eventually start predicting their ideals onto that country or leader.

      1. gbd_crwx

        I wonder if that is why morons say that if Sanders lose the dem nomination, they will vote Trump.

      2. Callum C.

        The fact that, West of maybe Poland, the general public knows almost nothing about post-Soviet Russia is obviously a part of it. It’s this sort of mental blank space for most people, to the point where it’s impossible to talk about current Russian issues with non-specialists for any more than a few awkward minutes.

        The Kremlin seems to recognize this, because all the various inconsistent nonsense promoted by Russian state media only serves to exacerbate the situation. If, on a whim, your average Western layman decided he/she did actually want to learn something about Russia, they’d probably find so much contradictory crap out there they’d decide it wasn’t worth going through it all.

        Maybe they’re right, too. But then, somebody has to correct all the grandmothers on Facebook who post pictures of Putin attached to quotes from Denzel Washington movies.

  2. AndyT

    There have been several crazes around the World: Obama in 2008, Pope Francis in 2013… and more recently, this crush on Putin – which is somewhat different from the others: unlike the former leaders, the man has been around for 16 years…

    …Love at-later-than-first sight?

    Anyway, probably the thing all boils down to the old basic “my enemy’s enemy is my friend”, “the grass is always greener at the other side of the fence” mentality.

  3. Gabriel Gerard

    Ain’t this the truth? Today in my local newspaper, I found a column written by conservative commentator and Sputnik “News” correspondent Rachel Marsden that expounded on the “U.S. backed putsch” in Ukraine. Our local rag has something of a Progressive bent, but once in awhile stuff like that seeps in, it seems.

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