It occurred to me that with all the excitement of the end of the year I forgot to provide my personal review of The Force Awakens. Well here it is, and this is totally serious.
I had high expectations for Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. This movie was supposed to bring me back to my childhood and not only rekindle that childlike sense of wonder, but also make up for all the shitty things that happened in said childhood. Did it do that? No. It utterly failed, I’m still an adult, and I still never owned my own copy of Strider for my Sega Genesis. For this, J.J. Abrams is literally Adolf Hitler, and I hereby declare the prequels, and in particular The Phantom Menace, as better than The Force Awakens.
I have other gripes as well…
First of all, the movie is a total rip off of Episode IV. In no way will I think on the fact that Episode IV was a rip off of several other film genres plus WWII. Nor will I consider all the things which were totally different in this movie compared to Episode IV. I will also not consider the fact that for many young people, Episode IV looks “lame” and thus this gives them an opportunity to experience a story with similar beats to the 1977 original yet in a visual style they can better appreciate. I’m very sorry, but Star Wars was made for me personally.
I also refuse to accept the argument that Episode IV’s success was largely due to a very reliable formula, and that perhaps Abrams was trying to get the new trilogy back on track after the former disasters/now masterpieces that were the prequels. I’m sure the next two films will be total shot-for-shot remakes of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. I bet J.J. Abdolfhitler will even bring Vader back to life.
Kylo Ren is so emotional and whiny! Not like Luke Skywalker, who certainly never got whiny and emotional just because he was told he had to work another season on his uncle’s farm. In the beginning of the movie I automatically decided that Kylo Ren is the next Vader, ergo he must act more Vader like. It’s not like this could be the beginning of some kind of character arc whereby Ren learns to control his emotions and increase his power, for better or worse. That’s impossible.
There were too many boom mics in the shots. Some scenes are nothing but boom mics.
So there you have it. My review of the worst film ever made. They should have slapped the opening titles and text crawl on a copy of The Room and made that Episode VII.