Holy Shitsnacks! 500th Post!

Ladies and gentlemen, what better way to celebrate Russia Without BS’ 500th post than to inform you that Russia Insider has finally gone full potato. They have not merely jumped the shark. They have launched a rocket over the shark which escaped Earth’s gravity and is currently on its way out of our solar system. They have crossed into Poe’s Law territory to become self-parody. Behold: How Putin Taught Me a Lesson in Being Christ-like

Yeah. Let that title sink in and feel the “Whaaaaaa?” going through your mind even before you click. Read it if you want to suffer an existential crisis.

First of all, take a look at that author bio:

The author is a well-known Danish journalist trained in theology, who writes on religious affairs. She is a regular contributor to Russia Insider.

Okay. Couple things. First of all, they claim she is “well-known” but I couldn’t find any information on her that doesn’t appear on some pro-Russian site like RT.com, Russia Insider, or Da Russophile. There were a lot of sites in Danish and I’m perfectly able to believe that she might be popular there, but I’m a bit skeptical. That she is a regular contributor to Russia Insider doesn’t surprise me in the least.

Basically I’ll give you the gist of this mass grave of an article: Putin could have started WWIII and destroyed Turkey after the shoot-down of a Russian Su-24, but he didn’t. In other words, he was like Jesus- he turned the other cheek.

Now unlike Ms. Thranholm, I’m not “trained in theology,” but I was raised in the fundamentalist Christian movement and since becoming an atheist many years ago I started actually taking an avid interest in the stuff I pretty much ignored on countless Sundays throughout my childhood and teenage years. Let’s see what Jesus said about turning the other cheek:

“But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” –Christ, Jesus H., Matthew 5:39*

Now the implication here is that if Putin really wanted to be Christ like, he’d send up another Su-24 for the Turks to shoot down. But what did Putin actually do in response to this act, which in all honesty was a total dick move on the part of Turkey and a war crime on the part of those rebels who murdered the ejected pilot?

Vladimir Putin warns of ‘serious consequences’ following Turkey shooting down Russian jet

Hmmm…Is that what Jesus would do? Very quickly after the news, the Turkish embassy was besieged by protesters who pelted it with rocks and other projectiles, breaking at least one window. Witnesses said police did nothing. Russian consumer authorities suddenly, and quite fortunately discovered listeria contamination in chicken imported from Turkey. Today the Turkish cultural center in Moscow has apparently been shut down.

Thranholm doesn’t stop there though. Check this out.

Putin now invites his foes to cooperate to defeat the menace of terrorism. This is similar to Christ enduring the pain and shame of the cross to save the world. Russia seems to follow the same path.

stupidestthing

Wait a second. Isn’t the campaign against terrorism sort of a revenge thing? This is the guy who annexed part of another Christian nation and whose country waged a dirty war and propaganda war against that same nation all because they drove out a corrupt thief who wanted to go full dictator on everyone’s asses. There are numerous real quotes from Putin where he talks about hunting down terrorists and killing them.

Second, this is nothing like Christ’s “enduring pain and shame of the cross.” What sacrifice has Putin made? This is a man who robs his country so he and his friends can live in lavish palaces. If he has sacrificed anything, it is the ability to go or live abroad like some of his friends still do (those who are not yet sanctioned). Staying in the driver’s seat limits some of his options to enjoy his ill-gotten gains, but it’s still a pretty sweet life nonetheless.

And Russia “seems” to follow that path? Well, Russia certainly suffers like Christ did, I guess. But this has nothing to do with saving the world. Russia suffers because since 1991 it has been run by corrupt thieves who will fight to the last Russian worker to keep their stolen wealth and luxurious lifestyles.

Now before anyone gets permanent brain damage, I’ll quote one last gem to cap off this horror show.

Putin’s political decision is an expression of moral superiority and meekness that springs from being poor in spirit, the first step of following Christ and an ultimately spiritual Christian virtue.

Meekness? This is a man who is routinely depicted wearing military uniforms he never earned on t-shirts, posters, phone cases, and all manner of other souvenirs. This is a man who insists that he alone is capable of leading Russia. Meek my ass.

Is Putin Christ-like? Well Jesus wasn’t too big on stealing. He also said things like:

“Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal.” -Matthew 6:19

And here we’re talking about a “Christian” man who possesses several palatial residences, yachts, luxury cars, and watches which are collectively worth half a million dollars or more.

This is also a man who divorced his wife after he decided to come back to the presidency. They were living estranged from one another for quite some time, during which he was constantly dogged by persistent rumors that he was having an affair with Russian gymnast Alina Kabaeva.

Now the Russian Orthodox Church apparently allows divorce, but Jayzus don’t:

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?’ 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” –Matthew 19 4-6

Also, despite that discrepancy both the ROC and Jesus were pretty down on adultery. And even if the Kabaeva rumors were untrue, it’s clear that Putin obviously failed in his duties as a husband and a father.

Reading that article was as excruciating as watching Jesus get flayed in The Passion of the Christ. Before ending this, I just wanted to point out that the author is from Denmark, the country where the infamous Mohammed cartoon scandals started. She has so much admiration for Russia as a defender of Christian civilization, but does she know that Russia has repeatedly forbid publishing caricatures of Mohammed, and the same Danish artists who did so in her native country would face penalties in Russia? Indeed, when Chechen head Kadyrov blessed a polygamous wedding between a 17-year-old girl and a middle-aged man, Russia’s children’s rights advocate Pavel Astakhov and family values politician Duma deputy Elena Mizulina acted like good submissive Russians and publicly approved of the union.

Alright. I’m done. There’s nothing more you can say about that other than hope it is just some sort of elaborate prank. But because we have no reason to make such an assumption, you know what the proper response is:

You said it, movie guy.

 

*Bible quotes all come from the King James Version, aka The One True Holy Bible Accept no Substitutes!

 

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6 thoughts on “Holy Shitsnacks! 500th Post!

  1. EP

    Congratulations on your blogging jubilee!

    Unfortunately, the Putin-is-Christlike article is so inane that I don’t even feel like mocking it beyond what you did. Like, it’s not even her most ridiculous work. I mean, another one of her articles is ” In Syria, Russia Defends Christian Values in a Land Devastated by US ‘Democratisation’” 🙂 (I also don’t know how interested you or any of your readers are in the venerable tradition of a classical Russian manifestation of self-pity that is comparing Russia and/or its people to Jesus.)

    And concerning the whole “dick move on the part of Turkey” narrative, with which it is hard not to sympathize, I think everyone needs to remember the immortal words from Team America World Police:

    Reply
  2. TRex

    Your 500th post will be remembered by me mostly due to fact that I have read an insanely sychophantic screed on a web site I never visit normally. I thank Baphomet for it’s brevity.

    Reply
  3. Pingback: Yup, they mad: Russian foreign language media can’t take the heat | Russia Without BS

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