Aperture on Eurasia
STAUNTON- Russian president Vladimir Putin is preparing a special radioactive “death ray” with which he plans to conquer Europe, according to Russian intellectual Dmitry “Dimon” Kuznetsov, who gives lectures outside Moscow’s Kurskoy train station.
“Vova’s got a serious weapon,” Kuznetsov explains. “He’s going to use it to melt all those faggots in Gaypopa! By the way, didn’t you say you had a cigarette? Or just give me 36 rubles. 36 and I’ll have enough to buy my own.”
To date, no hard evidence of the fearsome Russian death ray has come to light, but what was found was a Russian who says it exists, and it sounds like this guy might be anti-Kremlin, therefore his opinion is both relevant and trustworthy. Kuznetsov had this to say about his opposition credentials:
“Fuckin’ train station cops! I just wanted to drink my Alko-Limon with my friends Sergei and Roma, and they told us we had to leave! They’re lucky I didn’t smash their skulls!”
When asked how the death ray works, Kuznetsov demonstrated the mechanism using his hands while making “Pew! Pew!” sounds. The message was perfectly clear.
Now it remains to be seen how the West will respond to Moscow’s latest threat. When asked what course of action he would recommend to Western leaders, Kuznetsov informed us that US president Barack Obama was “a chmo,” which is supposedly Russian opposition slang for “great leader who must do whatever is necessary to contain the raging bear.”
Kuznetsov fell over and lost consciousness moments after the interview, but it is fairly clear that his warning is serious, and that Russia will most likely use its new death ray to destroy all of Europe in the next six months, assuming it doesn’t collapse into civil war before then, according to a theory of this one grad student at Moscow Physical Technical Institute we spoke to.