CNN’s Official Guide to (A) Ukraine/s

Trying to impress people with your knowledge of the Ukrainian conflict? Don’t even attempt it until you’ve read CNN’s Official Ukraine Conflict information guide! Our special explainer was put together by a group of overworked interns using Wikipedia Eastern European experts, so you can go from zero to Ukraine expert in no time!

DID YOU KNOW THAT UKRAINE IS A DIVIDED COUNTRY?! WELL IT IS, STUPID!

You might look at Ukraine and think, “Hey this is one country, because there’s a line around it, it’s all one color, and it has the word Ukraine on it!” Well you are wrong! It’s actually a divided country. Look at this correct map.

DID YOU KNOW? The dividing line is actually visible from low earth orbit?

DID YOU KNOW? The dividing line is actually visible from low earth orbit?

As you can see, a thick black line divides the country into Ukrainian speaking Western Ukraine, and Russian speaking Eastern Ukraine. People in Western Ukraine can’t speak Russian, and people in Eastern Ukraine can’t speak Ukrainian. Some people are upset about this. This rivalry is very old. It goes back, like, years. You can’t possibly comprehend it.

Galicia is a place in Ukraine where they speak Ukrainian. Galicia is also a part of Spain, so you can speak Spanish there as well. One language they don’t speak there, however, is Russian. If you try to speak Russian, people will be like: “I don’t understand what you’re saying! LOL!”

Don’t say “The Ukraine!” 

If you use the definite article with Ukraine, it will cease to become an independent country. Real sovereign countries don’t have a definite article in English, like Japan, America, England, and Siberia. The proper term is “A Ukraine” or “Some Ukraines.”

The two sides have different histories, and we have to respect both because all narratives are equally valid! 

Eastern Ukraine likes Russian stuff, like Stalin, the Soviet Union, and Call of Duty II. Western Ukraine has different heroes, such as Steve Banderas. The Russians say that Banderas was a Nazi, but Western Ukrainians say he wasn’t. Russian propaganda makes up a lot of things about Ukraine, so it’s possible that Steve Banderas didn’t exist at all. Why would an Eastern European man have a Spanish name? I know, right?!

Steve Banderas

Steve Banderas

Did you know that they have prostitution and foreign marriage businesses in Ukraine? 

Any time media outlets like ours cover Russia or Ukraine, we always have to do stories about prostitution and mail-order bride services, because these are the only two countries in the world where those things exist. You might be tempted to call this ethnic stereotyping and sexist, but you’re wrong because

Ukraine had two World War II’s! 

Some Ukrainians fought on the German side, but some fought on the Soviet Union’s side too. Even the ones who fought on the German side were good too, because it was Eastern Europe and it was different. We don’t know if they fought Japan. Fucking WiFi went down while we were loading the article.  Also, Europe now says that Hitler and Stalin started WWII together, so that means America was really fighting against Hitler and Stalin.  Possibly Japan.

Ukraine’s national symbol is a fork.

Actually it’s a trident, stupid. We tricked you! The trident represents Neptune, God of the Sea. Ukraine is near the Black Sea, which is divided into the Western, Ukrainian speaking Black Sea, and the Eastern, Russian speaking side. There is also the Sea of Azov, named after a neo-Nazi paramilitary organization.

What the conflict is about:

Russian speaking Ukrainians want to be Russians, but Western, Ukrainian speaking Ukrainians don’t want them to be Russians, they want them to be Ukrainians and to like Steve Banderas as their national hero.  Putin wants Russian Ukraine to be part of Russia or maybe he wants Ukraine to break into two Ukraines- Russian Ukraine and Ukrainian Ukraine. Some people don’t like this idea.

Nazis and the Far Right

Russian TV says all the Ukrainian Ukrainians in Ukraine are neo-Nazis. Some Ukrainian Ukrainians say there are neo-Nazis in Russia and the rebel territories.  Obviously only one side can be right. The presence of neo-Nazis on one side totally negates that of others on the opposite side.

Euromaidan 

Euromaidan was all about Ukrainian speaking Ukrainians wanting to join Europe. Ukraine is currently not in Europe. Historically, it is a part of Asia. Some Ukrainians didn’t like this, so they had a protest against it. As Europe expert Timothy Snyder says: “Everyone wants to be in Europe because Europe is the pinnacle of human development and the last great hope for higher forms of life on Earth. The Aryan race soul of the European man is the only thing capable of creating culture, as opposed to degrading it or merely imitating it. HEIL EUROPA!

There was no other reason for Euromaidan except Europe. Ukrainians want to be in Europe more than anything, and their ex-president Yanukovych said he wanted to stay in Asia. So they revolted because everybody was mad.

CONCLUSION: 

Thanks to our Official CNN Guide, you are now an expert on Some Ukraines. Strike up conversations about this at local bars and women might go home with you if you sweeten the deal with the offer of free cocaine. But if it doesn’t work, no need to worry! Our next story is about how there are women in Russia who marry foreign men! That means that any foreign man in Russia will be immediately attacked by young, model-quality women who are simultaneously raging nymphomaniacs and virginal, loyal housewives at the same time!

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2 thoughts on “CNN’s Official Guide to (A) Ukraine/s

  1. gbd_crwx

    Young man, you missed colouring that part south of Sweden. Which is it, rushn-speaking or Okrospeaking? Or is it that Spanish Gaul that you mentioned? You know that Gaul village allways resisting roman conquest in the Asterix comic book?

    Reply
  2. Asehpe

    Wouldn’t it be Just Wonderful if they did a movie in which Antonio Banderas plays Steve’s role? I can see the Ukrainians swooooon….

    Reply

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