The Russian foreign ministry has issued a statement specifying the terms of its new aid package for Greece in the wake of its worsening debt crisis. According to ministry officials, Greece is to be provided with numerous vague promises of possible aid in the future, along with statements of solidarity.
“Of course we could easily provide financial aid to Greece,” Russian foreign minister Sergei Lavrov told reporters. “Do not doubt for a second that we could financially support the country. We are a superpower, just like the United States. We could totally pull that off.”
“However,” the foreign minister continued, “we have decided that the best way to help Greece is to offer an aid package denominated in empty promises of solidarity and vague insinuations that Greece is somehow joining our non-existent alternative camp.”
The aid bill, signed into law by Russian president Vladimir Putin, is divided into several sections. The overall package will contain 2.5 billion public statements of solidarity with Greece, plus an additional 50 million self-aggrandizing, gloating statements claiming that Greece is choosing to “side with Russia.” It has also been reported that the deal might include as many as 5 billion references to the “BRICS alternative.”
“We knew we could count on our friends in Russia,” Greek foreign minister Nikolaus Kotzias said in regards to the deal. “When it comes to vague promises about possible aid of some kind at an undermined point in the hopefully-near future, the Kremlin is second to none.”
Sources report that the delivery of empty promises and statements of solidarity is already well under way. Some experts say that the aid package may be amended at a later date to include “numerous insinuations that Greece could join Russia’s Eurasian Union.”