Director Jennings: Well gentlemen, looks like we’ve got a new task. It seems like Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych has suspended talks on signing the European Union free trade agreement that he himself pressed for. We’re going to have to overthrow him as soon as possible.
Agent Johnson: Wait, why do we need to do that? All we know is that he’s suspended the talks. We can’t be sure that he’s going to totally reject the EU trade deal and join Russia’s customs union at this point. Maybe we should see how this plays out, seeing as how Euro-integration was actually his party’s idea and a major part of their platform. If he turns his back on it, his party’s bound to lose big in the next elections.
Agent Smith: Also I’ve got to wonder why we’re willing to overthrow a democratically-elected government on behalf of the European Union. They are after all competitors and the stronger the EU gets, the more it will inevitably compete with us. Obviously our continued cooperation and shared values keep us on the same side, but I don’t see why America should go out on a limb to fight their battles.
Jennings: Oh I’m sorry, I thought I was in a meeting with two veteran CIA operatives, people that realize that it is our agency and our agency alone that is responsible for every major political change in the world? I didn’t know I had two greenhorns here! Is that what I have here? Two rookies who are too afraid to overthrow a government because of a dispute over trade agreements?
Smith: No sir, I’m sorry.
Jennings: Waiting on you, Johnson!
Johnson: I’m sorry, sir, please continue.
Jennings: Thank you, gentlemen. So as I said, we need to overthrow Yanukovych because he stands in our way. I don’t mean that he has actually done anything to oppose the IMF or US policy, it’s just that he has ties to Russia. It’s not enough to let him leave office and allow his party to take a big loss at the polls thanks to their reversal of their own position on trade. We have to overthrow him!
Smith: So what do you propose?
Jennings: Well it’s quite simple. We’ll pay people to have a protest on Kiev’s Maidan Nezalezhnosti.
Johnson: A protest? Then what? Millions come out and overthrow the government?
Jennings: Well not at first. See at first there will be smaller protests, consisting mostly of students. Then, after some time, the Ukrainian special police Berkut will suddenly come in and clear the protesters from the square in an unusually brutal fashion. This will outrage people and cause them to join the protests.
Smith: That seems to make sense, sir, except one thing. How do we know these Berkut guys will react that way? Like, what if they clear the square without any unusual brutality, or what if it is brutal but then the government reacts by acknowledging the brutality and calling for an investigation? What if they use the police officials as scapegoats and start negotiating with the protesters?
Johnson: Oh yeah, what if people don’t respond to the police brutality in the first place, assuming it even happens that way?
Jennings: Don’t ask stupid questions. Of course the police will act according to plan. They have to. Otherwise this whole thing won’t work.
Johnson: I see, sir.
Smith: Of course.
Jennings: Anyway, this will soon lead to mass riots. Some of the fighters will consist of radical nationalist organizations, supporters of the Nazi collaborator Stepan Bandera, I’m sure you remember him.
Johnson: Bandera? Oh yes I remember. We were working with him in the post-war era until we dumped him and his followers because they were counterfeiting US dollars to fund their organization and they were attempting to engage in terrorist activity on American soil.
Smith: Well this is a bit of a digression, but those reports, just like any negative info you’ve ever read about Bandera or the Organization of Ukrainian Nationalists, were actually falsified by the KGB. You see that was back in the day when the Soviet KGB actually controlled the CIA. At least that’s what Ukrainian nationalists themselves claim.
Jennings: Gentlemen! Stay focused! As I said, we will use radical nationalists, some of whom have racist and antisemitic views.
Johnson: Hold up, sir! I’m not sure that’s a good idea. For one thing, the Russian propaganda machine will be all over that. Second, a lot of people in our countries will be put off by it as well. I think we should ensure that the movement is controlled by a more centrist, possibly even left-wing coalition. It should look really diverse and progressive so as to contrast it with Russia, which is obviously moving further and further right as of late.
Jennings: Johnson, you don’t understand. This movement has to have a prominent, clearly visible far-right presence, even if it hurts us on the propaganda front.
Smith: But…We control these color revolutions. Why can’t we just ensure the make-up so that Russia won’t be able to beat us over the head with rumors of neo-Nazis? Why-
Jennings: Don’t ask stupid questions!
Smith: I’m sorry again, sir. Nationalists it is.
Jennings: Good. Now the next stage is very important. Eventually the protests will continue, with more and more violence. Then snipers will open fire on crowds, and people will be killed.
Johnson: How do we know the government will react that way?
Jennings: The snipers will be secretly working for us.
Smith: Is there any chance we could get caught? That would be a major coup.
Jennings: Of course we won’t get caught. There won’t be any hard evidence. Just stuff that sounds convincing if you already believe that we were behind the coup. I’m not concerned with that audience.
Smith: Okay then. So the snipers shoot some people, and then what?
Jennings: Well eventually there will be a lull in the fighting and our European allies will sit down with Yanukovych and the opposition to strike a deal to stop the violence.Everyone will definitely agree to this deal…
Johnson: Wait, sir. If everyone is rioting and people are getting killed, why offer Yanukovych any kind of agreement? Why not just turn the pressure up even further and drive him out?
Jennings: Ah that’s the beauty of it. You see, Yanukovych will sign the agreement, but then he’ll quickly leave the country in the early morning hours of the next day. Checkmate!
Smith: Uh…How do you know he’ll leave the country? What if he stays and the deal goes through?
Jennings: No, he will definitely leave the country, because that’s what needs to happen.
Smith: So…Everything is going to happen exactly as we need it to happen, even though many of these events seem contingent on the actions of people we don’t directly control?
Jennings: Don’t directly control? Are you suggesting people other than us and the audience of Infowars and RT have agency? Don’t be stupid. We’re the CIA. Whenever something happens that goes against Russia’s geopolitical interests, we’re behind it.
Smith: Well…There was that one time in the 90’s when we supported the Chechen war of independence but then forgot to extend recognition to the Chechen Republic of Ichkeria after the peace agreement was reached.
Johnson: Yes, and we also forgot to destroy and dismantle Russia in the 90’s when it was incredibly weak.
Jennings: Don’t ever bring that up again! Do you hear! This Ukrainian revolution is going to go 100% according to plan, and we’re not going to get caught. Well, except by Global Research. Those bastards always nail us every time. But other than that, the whole thing will go like clockwork. Now we have no time to waste. Are you in?
Smith: All the way, sir!
Johnson: Let’s overthrow a government in the most roundabout and inefficient way, for bizarre reasons!
Having finalized their plans, Director Jennings and Agents Smith and Johnson decided to celebrate by turning on the conference room’s disco lights and dancing to the famous 90’s hit song of Scatman John…