RT’s “alternative” pickup lines

Sick of mainstream, neo-liberal, neocon pick up lines that don’t get you anywhere except Denny’s alone at 4 in the morning? Face it, all the Axe body spray in the world isn’t going to change the fact that today’s hottest babes want a man who will question more. That’s why RT has gone the extra mile for the intelligent, red-pill-taking, geopolitical analysts out there and created Russia Today Pickup Lines!

“‘Hey there baby! How do you want your night to end? Unipolar or multipolar?”

“I’m not a Putin supporter. I’ve got many complaints about him. He needs to be harder…like my dick right now.”

“Not into casual sex? That’s so mainstream. Don’t believe the propaganda. You are just puppet. Do you want to know the truth? The truth is my dick.”

“How about I take you home and…politically analyze you even though I’m totally unqualified to do so?”

“The music in this place is so lame I want to bug out like Liz Wahl. Wanna come with?”

“Baby, you sponsored a coup that overthrew my heart, and installed a fascist junta…in my pants.”

“I’ve got a Topol-M missile…in my pants.”

“Okay, okay, it was a Proton-M. I’m sorry, this never happens. Just give me a minute.”

“Hey Nyash Myash! Why don’t you act like Putin and annex the Crimea, by which I mean grab my junk?”

“Baby, I’m just like Graham Phillips. I wanna pay you to have sex with me.”

“I’ve got a Ukrainian Buk in my pants for you. Or it’s a Ukrainian SU-25. No…It’s a Buk again. Hold on, it’s a Buk and a SU-25, but the important thing is that they’re both Ukrainian and not Russian at all. Also there are absolutely no Russians in my pants.”

Damn girl! Dat ass is bigger than America’s national debt!”

“Girl, you look so good you make me want to go down faster than the dollar will in four, no…six months.”

“Baby, if you walk away from me my heart will break into six different pieces just like the United States was supposed to do back in 2010!”

“Let’s ditch this place and go back to my pad so I can tell you all about how the Anglo-American-Zionist Atlantic Axis is running by the neocon playbook of Zbigniew Brzezinski’s Grand Chessboard whereby Russia is to be surrounded by NATO allies and US puppet regimes until such time that a color revolution can be successfully implemented in Moscow so as to dismantle the Russian Federation and take all its resources.”

“Baby…BUY GOLD! BUY GOLD! ONLY GOLD HAS VALUE! YOUR SO-CALLED ‘MONEY’ IS NOTHING BUT WORTHLESS PAPER! GOLD! GOLD, BITCH!”

Oh god please just come home with me! We don’t even have to do anything, I’ll sleep on the floor! I just need my friends to think I went home with a woman because everybody is starting to think I’m gay. I’m a nice guy! I’m intelligent!” 

Try these lines next time you’re at the club and you’re sure to go home with a sexy lady, only to totally screw everything up by telling her about the Ukrainian junta, the Charlie Hebdo false flag operation, and how Putin is standing up to the West by strengthening the BRICS alliance as an alternative to the Anglo-American Atlantic hegemony.*

If it doesn’t work, check out our website for Robert Bridge’s Guide to Russian Women, where he’ll explain how you can just come to Russia and find a woman who will exchange sex for food, drinks, and gestures of common courtesy such as opening doors and pulling out chairs.**

They may not work for mainstream sheeple who just lap up the neocon propaganda, but when a POLITICAL ANALYST sprays himself down, the ladies can't control themselves.

They may not work for mainstream sheeple who just lap up the neocon propaganda, but when a POLITICAL ANALYST sprays himself down, the ladies can’t control themselves.

*Neither the author, nor Russia Without BS bear any responsibility for whatever consequences may derive from the use of these lines, including but not limited to: bodily harm, criminal prosecution, or restraining orders.

**This will not happen. Don’t come to Russia expecting this.

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2 thoughts on “RT’s “alternative” pickup lines

  1. Asehpe

    “there are absolutely no Russians in my pants”

    This has to become my next t-shirt. Or the title of my blog. Or maybe the name of my retro technopop band…

    Is there a link between Russian whataboutism and pickup artistry? 🙂

    Reply
    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      That gives me an idea for a new one, but it’s not a pick-up line since the woman has to say something first:

      Woman: “Stop staring at me, it’s creepy!”

      Man: “I’M creepy? What about THAT sweaty guy over there? He’s creepy!”

      Reply

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