Star Wars fans, this is an intervention

Hello, Star Wars fans. Please come in and have a seat. Take a seat right over there…

Okay I’m sorry, that was a bad joke I know. This is not the time for that. But really, please sit down. I’m here with all your loved ones and the people who care about you. This isn’t about judging anyone; we’re concerned about you and we want you to sit down and see how your behavior is affecting us.

Recently, the world was stunned by the trailer for Episode VII: The Force Awakens. I saw it myself. We all did. And I have to say, it doesn’t look bad. It wasn’t too cartoony, I didn’t see any little kids, this might not be terrible. It could even be very good. But see then I saw you guys and you were doing this:

And see that’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. Don’t you remember? Don’t you remember how you sounded so many years ago? Do you really not remember? Then let me remind you:

Yeah, that was you back in 1999. Now do you remember?

Alright, look, I realize that The Phantom Menace trailer, in its time, might not have told you anything about how terrible the film was going to be. We were innocent in those days; we trusted trailers to be honest and Star Wars movies to be groundbreaking- history in the making. I can’t say that I hated it when I saw it- I figured this was Star Wars, made by George Lucas- he must know better than me. Instead of hate I just felt this, uneasiness. I balled my inconvenient questions up and suppressed them for over a decade.

Then again many of you were much bigger Star Wars fans than I ever was. Don’t you remember the disappointment you felt? Can’t you feel those deep wounds? We’re talking about films which were so terrible, you can suddenly come up with new plot holes even as you explain the plot holes you already know about. Just the other day I was trying to explain the problems with the prequels to my wife and I suddenly remembered that Chewbacca meets Yoda in Episode III. Okay, fine, how did this conversation not happen on the Millennium Falcon in Episode IV:

Chewie: MRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Han: What’s that Chewie? Yeah he is a Jedi knight. Did you hear our little debate about blasters vs. lightsabers just now?

Chewie: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARAAAAH!!!

Han: Really? No kidding? Hey Mr. Kenobi, Chewie here says he met a Jedi master once, back on his home planet. He says you wouldn’t forget something like that because some time later all the Jedi were wiped out and they’ve been almost unheard of for so long that knowing a Jedi is a pretty big deal these days.

Obi-Wan: Really? Who was that Jedi master? Was it?

Chewie: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARH!!!

Han: Uh…Yoga. No, Yoda! Does the name Yoda ring a bell?

Obi-Wan: Of course! He’s the most important Jedi master ever. He trained me! Hey Luke, Yoda’s this important Jedi master that you will definitely have to meet at some point if you plan to continue on the path of the Jedi knight. Just one thing though, he’s a little green guy with point ears, so you know, don’t go looking around for some kind of great warrior or something.

Seriously, how did that not happen? How?

You see what I mean? Now look, I know you see a lot of classic Star Wars imagery in these trailers and you’re excited. But you have to remember that sometimes it’s a trick to garner your loyalty by using nostalgia. The prequels did that all the time.

Granted, these are sequels so if they aren’t great, at least they won’t be ruining films you loved. Who knows, maybe they can even undo some of the damage from the past. For example, some character could say something like: “Midi-chlorians? Nonsense. That was a myth in the Old Republic, specifically spread to limit the number of Jedi and make sure we got only the best. More Jedi would have meant more potential Sith, so the old masters devised a way of making the worthy believe their force sensitivity was something unique to them. After the rise of the empire and the extermination of the Jedi, there was simply no point in maintaining the charade…” We can only hope. Hope is all we have.

The issue, dear Star Wars fans, is that I remember what you went through that last time, and I can’t bear to see you go through it again. We can’t bear that. Well, actually, yeah we can bear it. That would be hilarious.

Alright then, go nuts!

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4 thoughts on “Star Wars fans, this is an intervention

  1. Armands Bekmanis

    As a Star Wars fan – but a critical one who has been laughing and mocking this fandom for the last three years (because Disney decided to ditch Expanded Universe) – I`ve to confess that I look forward, in fact I`m excited about the new trilogy.
    I wasnt old enough back in 1999 to actually be one of those people who stood in the line for TPM but I get why people would do that. It`s inevitable that the same will happen this time but I don`t think the hype train has that much steam in it this time.

    People love to idealize the originals and as a matter of fact, they are great movies. But we have to honest and realize that Star Wars isn`t in the ”The Godfather” tier of cinema. Its fun space adventure and thats it – I don`t expect the level of psychoanalysis of ”Taxi Driver” and I also dont expect a constant action-fest of ”Die Hard”. I want a movie that would deserve its place in my SSD drive.

    Reply
  2. Antoine Sans (@antoine_sans)

    I think getting all hyped up about the movie beforehand is part of the Star Wars experience. I also try to maintain a healthy skepticism (after all, I am now a 20-something grown up man) but I couldn’t help but laugh like a madman and scream (inside of me) like a little bitch when watching the trailers.

    And I mean, they are going to make a stand alone movie telling the story of the theft of the plans of the Death Star, it HAS TO BE FUCKING AWESOME.

    So, yeah.

    Reply
    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      You know that would have been a good story for Episode III, or at least part of the backstory. The prequels left a big gap. Things could have been shifted to encompass the rise of the rebellion, perhaps with the rise of the Empire starting in Episode II, with Anakin being initially pro-rebel until he’s seduced to the Dark Side.

      Reply

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