Matchmaker!

When I started this blog, it was not initially intended to be very political. It was about shattering myths about Russia, and some of those myths were cultural ones. I decided from the beginning that unlike so many examples of expat literature, this blog would not contain any lengthy posts about Russian women. Everything I have to say about the stereotypes regarding Russian women is more or less encapsulated in my landmark post, entitled “The Loser Carousel.”

Now one thing about the Loser Carousel is that sometimes it can be hard to reason with guys who are on it, or guys who are watching it and think it seems like a fun ride. The hard part is getting concrete examples of these guys in action  to show them what’s wrong with their thinking and more importantly, demonstrate how painfully identical these dorks sound. Thankfully, a friend of a friend posted a message she received from a perfect specimen and gave me permission to use it. What follows is his message:

Hi, you wouldn’t happen to know a nice pretty russian girl who want to come to america would you? See, it’s not I don’t like American girls or that I am some creepy guy, but generally speaking American women seem to be lacking in many things. Mostly manners. They are not lacking in a grandiose feeling of self entitlement. I mean they can stay drunk for 4 years of college, and all the Greek lifestyle that goes with it. But still think they should have a Dr. or nurse when they can’t even read. I mean, I assume they don’t read or have a very hard time with it due to the amount of time it takes them to respond to a message. Either they can not read it, or they are sounding out the letters. It Surely can not be they are all just lacking manners.

Having said that, may I ask you a question? Well, I have to preface it first. People sometimes look at me like I am nutso for saying I think I may just find a Russian woman. Now to the question. Why do so many affluent men and actors have Eastern European and Russian women as spouses? Clearly if they are “whores” as people like to ‘joke’ about then….well, that doesn’t make sense. There are plenty of pretty whores here. So what quality do the women from Eastern block countries have that women here lack? Or, if you yourself think they are “whores”. What makes them better whore? lol

Now while I’m guessing the original recipient of this message wasn’t able to help our poor Romeo here, this message is most welcome for me. You see, for quite some time my wife has been trying to play matchmaker for this girlfriend of hers, henceforth known as “S-“. We haven’t had much luck in this field, but it looks like we might have found a break here.

Now I just have to practice delivering my pitch to S- and anticipate what questions she might have. I think it will go will go something like this.

Hello S-, I know that it’s usually my wife trying to hook you up with eligible bachelors- well, my friends that is. But you also know that this hasn’t been working out as they are always either engaged, in a relationship, or leaving the country soon. Well now I’ve got good news for you because as it turns out, there’s this guy in America who is looking for a “pretty Russian girl.” As you know, both my wife and I find you very attractive, so much so that I think we both felt very hopeful after hearing that Chechnya’s leader and deputy Mizulina both endorsed the legalization of polygamy in Russia (Topical humor! Relax, we’re all close friends here!) I kid! I’m joking! When you look at me all angry like that it means it’s a joke!  But getting down to business, let’s talk about this fine young gentleman.

As he says, he’s looking for a pretty Russian woman. What’s he look like? Well I don’t know. Is he good looking? Again I can’t say for sure, but to be honest I have to wonder because this is a guy who basically admits that he cannot find a woman in his own country, which has a population of nearly 323 million at the moment. Obviously they are not all female and I haven’t crunched all the demographic numbers but I think it’s safe to say that the quantity of available heterosexual women in the United States must be somewhere in the tens of millions. It’s kind of odd to imagine a very attractive man being so unable to find a suitable woman given such numbers, especially when he says that American women are “whores” who are drunk all the time. Whore implies that they are not too picky when it comes to sex partners, but it seems they aren’t choosing him for some reason. In fact, he says that they don’t even respond to his messages online, but he attributes that to American women not being able to read. Weird.

Can you believe this didn't work for him? Me neither!

Can you believe this didn’t work for him? Me neither!

Anyway, he doesn’t seem to be good looking but to be fair, we can’t prove that. What? Yes it does seem kind of creepy that he’d send a message like this to a complete stranger, a woman no less. It would seem that way but the thing is that in the message he said he wasn’t a creepy guy, so I’m sure he’s legit. Yeah, I have to say that like the looks thing, it makes you wonder why he has such problems with American women if he’s good looking and not creepy.

Oh wait! I remember what he said! Yes, apparently the problem is American women. All of them? Yes, all of them, apparently. To be sure, his complaints seemed a bit strange to me, but you have to remember that I haven’t been to America since early 2013, and that was like two weeks. This guy’s been there the whole time. Things change rapidly.

What are his specific complaints? Well it’s really weird, but he says American women lack manners. I know, that sounds kind of weird. I’m not sure what he meant. Yes! You’re right, many Russian women, Russian people in fact, lack manners too, especially in Moscow. But what I’m thinking is that he’s actually saying all American women are like this. Like, every single goddamned one of them, or something. Yeah, I know, it’s shocking.

What does he mean by lacking manners? Well he says that they are perpetually drunk through four years of college, living the “Greek Life.” Oh the “Greek life?” That refers to these things called fraternities and sororities. Women can join sororities. Fraternities, insofar as I understand, are support groups for young men experiencing masculinity issues. From what I’ve read they work through these issues by engaging in controlled homoerotic rituals in a safe environment, or something like that. At least that’s how it seemed to me based on how they’re portrayed in the media and on Wikipedia. Anyway, I found that sorority thing odd because, you know, first of all not all Americans even go to college, so obviously all those women don’t take part in “the Greek life.” Then you’ve got to count all the women who do go to college but never join sororities, often because they have no desire to.  It’s also kind of odd how he says nothing about the male part in all these college shenanigans, seeing as how as they say, “it takes two to tango.” It’s almost as if he has some kind of double standard when it comes to male and female behavior, but there I go rambling again.

What’s so bad about all that drinking and partying in college? Well I think he’s trying to say that American women in college get really drunk and have lots of wild sex. With him? Well, I don’t know, but it seems to me like that probably isn’t the case. I mean if he were having all kinds of wild sex in college, you think that after getting out and settling down into the real world some years later, he’d probably find a compatible woman to start a relationship with. Or at least he’d have some kind of stable girlfriend action. I’m sure it’s not his fault though. I mean he said it’s because they lack manners so I’m guessing that what happened, and probably still happens, is that instead of him being rejected by these drunk, impolite, whorish American women, he actually rejects them. In fact he complained about them not being able to read. That suggests that through college he rejected their drunken advances to concentrate on his studies, and now he has problems relating to such women, well all American women according to him, because they don’t share his level of literacy. Strange because I don’t remember hearing about any major drop in female literacy in the US in recent times, but I do miss a lot of news there.

Why yes, S-, it is odd how he’s so upset about that kind of sexual behavior. You’re absolutely right, there are plenty of Russian women who act in the same manner, sometimes even earlier in life, as there are in many other countries as well. I’m not sure why, but for some reason he seems to think the American women are worse in this respect, because he is forced to continually push them away lest he have a drunken whore with no manners as a partner. Alas, I digress. Where were we?

Oh yeah! The problems with American women. One thing he mentioned is that they have a major sense of self-entitlement, which I took to me- Whoa! Calm down, S-! I know, I know, that does seem rich coming from a guy who asks a total stranger to bring him a “pretty Russian girl”, sight unseen. I was struck by that as well. Don’t worry, you’re preaching to the choir here. He does really sound self-entitled, very much so. But then again he sounds creepy and yet he says he’s not, so maybe he just forgot to mention that he’s also not self-entitled.

So what’s he bring to the table, you ask? Well actually I don’t know. It’s really weird how in his whole message he doesn’t seem to give us any information about why a “nice pretty Russian girl” would be interested in him. He doesn’t say anything about his looks, whether he’s in shape or at least makes an effort, whether he’s funny- it doesn’t seem like it from his writing. It’s almost as if he believes he is…entitled…if you will, to the love and affection of an attractive young woman, as opposed to understanding that a sexual relationship is a matter of compromise and each person bringing something to the table.

Wait a second! I think I know what his qualities are! Remember he’s upset at American women because of their lack of manners and drunken behavior, right? So we can infer that he has manners, and values them quite highly. What is more, he condemns American women for drinking and not being able to read. Thus we can also infer that he doesn’t drink until the early hours of the morning, and he at least knows how to read. I guess he’s trying to say he’s polite and well-read.

Uh huh. Right. Yeah actually you’re right, I was thinking the same thing. That does sound kind of lame. I wouldn’t say it’s a negative thing to be polite and have manners, but I mean like you said, that’s kind of the bare minimum, right? You learn half this stuff in kindergarten. Yeah, sure you’ve got manners, but there’s another guy out there who’s got manners and he’s super good-looking and funny. Another guy’s got manners and he’s into all the same stuff you are. To be honest I share your frustration. What does this guy have besides manners and not being a total alcoholic? Never mind that for now, let’s move on.

So he was talking about how apparently lots of affluent men and actors have Russian wives, yet strangely I couldn’t pick a single example off the top of my head. You couldn’t either? Yeah I know, it’s weird. What’s that you ask? Is he an affluent man or movie star? Well again he didn’t say. You know judging by this guy’s style, I think that would have come up. In fact, if he were a celebrity, I’m sure the woman he sent this to would mention that. It would be news. So no, sorry, he’s not a movie star. But he’s polite, I guess. I mean, if you don’t see bearing really personal details about your problems messaging random women you don’t know to a random woman you don’t know as being impolite, then his manners are probably impeccable.

What else did he say? Well he’s been telling people that he “just may just go and find a Russian woman,” but when he does they just look at him like he’s “nutso,” that means crazy. Yeah, you know, when I said that you kind of had a strange look on your face. In fact I’ve noticed that all through this description your facial expression could best be described as “baffled, with a touch of disappointment.” But honestly I’d probably react the same way if someone told me he was going to go to a foreign country he knows nothing about to “find” a woman of a particular nationality as though he were buying a dog or some other domestic animal. I’d even go so far as to say this sounds sort of…well…self-entitled. But I’m sure that’s not the case. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s American women’s fault this guy can’t have a healthy long-term relationship.

Anything else? Oh yeah, he said that a lot of people joke about Russian women, i.e. you, being whores, but he says there are whores in America too. Yeah, the American whores, the ones that don’t have sex with him, I mean the ones he doesn’t have sex with on principle, and who don’t return his messages. That does seem odd. He doesn’t want to have sex with them but they don’t even answer his messages? It almost makes it seem like he is trying to get with them and they are rejecting him, but that can’t be right.

Aaaaaanyway, so what he was trying to say is that he hears you are all whores, but there are whores in America, so he thinks you might be better whores. What do you think, S-? Would you call yourself a whore? Do you think you’re superior to an American whore? Hey! HEY! Don’t get mad at me. I’m just telling you what the guy wrote. I’d be offended too. I could totally understand it if you didn’t find any interest whatsoever in this fine young gentlemen.

Actually…You know what? I’m beginning to think this guy is creepy and that he is self-entitled to a considerable degree! In fat, this guy sounds like a total douchebag! I bet he doesn’t even have manners either! He’s probably been reading about Russian women from other losers who “find American women lacking.”

Forget about him, S-, you don’t need to bother with “men” like that. I certainly don’t need to tell you that there are so many other single men here, both foreign and local, with so much more going for them than that guy on every level. I’m sorry I even brought it up.

Now that I think about it, I think I won’t tell S- at all.

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12 thoughts on “Matchmaker!

  1. Asehpe

    “he is forced to continually push them away lest he have a drunken whore with no manners as a partner”

    I’m still laughing about this one sentence as I write here. Ah, it’s so human, yet so funny, to see someone trying to blame others for problems that are his own!

    Reply
    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      No I totally believe this guy and all the others that say the same crap nearly verbatim. It’s just a total coincidence that all the women who are supposedly refined, well-mannered, super-intelligent, not demanding, not sluts but total nymphos, etc. happen to live in countries which have radically lower living standards than the States or which have severe political problems. It’s like corruption, economic devastation, and suffering teach you great manners.

      Reply
    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      Really? Russian ladies, try to control yourselves!

      (Seriously folks, I have many relatives including male relatives who work in nursing and I respect the profession 100%. But let’s be honest, being a nurse doesn’t excuse that kind of self-entitled attitude, considering how he juxtaposes himself with “affluent men and actors.”)

      Reply
  2. John Piantanida

    This is so funny. I think I know the guy who wrote this… or one of his 47,968 clones who frequent a certain website. Did he also mention she has to be at least 20 years younger than him, and that a twin sister would be a plus? Hey, my wife knows a lot of local (Florida) Russian women. We might be able to save him some long plane flights and VISA fees. Oh wait, she actually likes some of these women… so she would never go for it. I am guessing he won’t need any help though with his brilliant style and charm.

    Reply
    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      The funny thing is that no, it’s probably a different guy, yet they all sound the same.

      One of my favorite ridiculous inconsistencies is that “Russian women aren’t sluts/Russian women love sex and are total nymphos.”

      No, silly fedora-wearer, that can’t be. Not for you. See what happens is that they go to Russia to find the “non-slut” wife, but of course they don’t come back with anyone in most cases. So what do you tell your buddies? Well you do what we ALL did when we were 14: You tell them you got laid left and right.

      And that’s how the Loser Carousel rotates.

      Reply
  3. Asehpe

    I wonder if people like him just need a few pointers on how to establish contact with others. I mean, do you think he would write a similarly awkward letter to a potential boss if he was just looking for a new job? ‘You see, I’m this great [fill in professional orientation] who somehow never was lucky enough to have his great skill acknowledged and celebrated the way it should be. I think you would love to either give me a job or put me in contact with someone who would. I hear in Russia there are really great bosses (here in America we only have slave drivers, heh heh maybe in Russia too, not that I mean to say you’re all slave drivers, unless you happen to think so too, heh heh, And Russian bosses have such great manners!’….

    I’ll bet this is not how he would approach job searching… yet he will do this when trying to form a relationship…. Perhaps making the incongruity visible would help him evolve?

    Reply
    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      I don’t remember where I found it, but one time this guy(or gal) wrote a brilliant take down of the typical: “I’m a nice polite guy” routine” with a similar theme.

      A guy walks into a Best Buy and starts staring at a manager. He starts getting impatient and huffing and puffing until the manager finally comes over and asks him what his problem is.

      He explains that he doesn’t understand why the store hasn’t hired him yet, he’s actually been visiting the store numerous times and he often buys things there.

      The manager asks him if he ever filled out an application, to which he answers no. The manager asks him about his skills and he says he is polite, etc.

      Anyway, you get the idea but yeah, I think it’s a good idea to make these guys talk it out in a hypothetical situation to see how ridiculous this is.

      One time this guy was looking for someone to translate(English to Russian) a letter containing a marriage proposal for a girl he’d never seen before, and he was going to hand it to her the first time he met her in Moscow(he’d already bought his tickets).

      I tried reasoning with the guy but to no avail. He swore that he hadn’t met her on a dating site, and for that reason I asked: “Then why are you going to hand her a marriage proposal right off the plane?!” I basically wanted to ask him why he thought this would work.

      I feel sorry for the guy because of what happened in his past, but I just couldn’t reason with him. He’d already sunk money and his heart into the trip. That’s what happens when men think with their dicks instead of their brains.

      Reply
  4. gunlord500

    That’s the one thing that always amused me about the more bitter sexpats–their utter lack of self-awareness. “American women are all bitches! WTF, why don’t American women like me! I’m sure Russian women will like my entitlement and apparent lack of any positive characteristics aside from my (possibly) higher income and (what I claim to be) my lower probability of beating them! Woe is you, American women!”

    Reply
    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      The funniest thing when they talk about Russian women being less demanding is that, aside from questions as to why it’s okay for men to “demand” to have a nice house, car, etc., the kind of Russian or Ukrainian women these guys typically meet are the most demanding you could imagine. They know they’ve got the guy by the balls and they act like it. I’ve heard/seen some sad stories.

      BTW- I think it might have been on We Hunted the Mammoth, but apparently some of the MGTOWs are going beyond trying to find submissive women in Eastern Europe or East Asia. This guy was drawing a comic about creating some kind of sex robot, and the “punchline” was that feminists would be mad because now women have no use for “real men.”

      It’s amazing how they have become so bitter and dehumanized that they actually think sticking their dick in a machine is the most desirable goal in life.

      Reply
  5. Paul Canning (@pauloCanning)

    Argh! I see the ads for ‘Russian women DESPERATELY seeking American men’ all the time on a certain program I use. What strikes me is they always use pictures of women with unheathily huge boobs. Thin women with outsize breasts and the first thing it makes me think of is back problems!

    Maybe I’m missing something what with not being straight but surely seeking out such huge boobied ladies must be a minority interest?

    Also makes me think of this >

    Reply
    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      Actually Russian women aren’t known for having large breasts, which makes that rather funny. I’ve often seen ads about Russian brides or other “services” which use models who are clearly not Russian. I’m sure some lonely guys get really disappointed.

      Reply

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