I’ve got yer theories right here!

So the latest scandal in Russia is that people have been spreading rumors that Putin is either dead or dying, while Putin’s press service has been insisting that he is alive and well, which you have to admit it pretty strange behavior for a dead guy. The latest attempt to prove that Putin is just fine comes straight from the Kremlin’s official website, which posted a report about a meeting with Vyacheslav Lebedev of the Supreme Court, which allegedly took place today, 13 March. The report comes with three photos, two of which clearly show Vladimir Putin doing things and generally looking alive. Or is he? Upon closer inspection, there is reason to be suspicious. Let us analyze those photos a little deeper, shall we?

Kremlin press-service.

Kremlin press-service.

At first glance everything seems normal in this photo. Putin is standing and shaking Lebedev’s hand, two activities not normally associated with dead or dying people. But look a little closer. Notice how he isn’t looking Lebedev in the eye, and he almost seems to be wincing. Press secretary Dmitry Peskov recently claimed that Putin was as healthy as ever, and that his handshake still breaks fingers. Is that what you see going on here? Can you give a person such a firm handshake even if you can only glance at them at an angle?

Also note the bizarre stance of the president, and note in particular his backside. Could some sort of stand have been inserted into the anus so as to prop up the dead president? He does almost look like he’s leaning on something. I’m just asking questions here. Nothing but questions. You can’t believe everything the government tells you, right?

Okay, next photo.


Kremlin press service

Now it would be the easiest thing in the world to prop up a dead body in a chair. Hell, they could both be dead at this point. Obviously after staging the handshake with a dead body, the FSB couldn’t risk Lebedev blabbing the secret to everyone. The key here is that Putin appears to be listening intently, when in fact whatever a living Lebedev would have told him would inevitably be incredible boring. Nice try, Kremlin.

Now in my last post I advised Russia-watchers against speculation in regards to the Boris Nemtsov murder. By contrast, I wholeheartedly encourage speculation over whether or not Putin is dead or dying, if only because this scandal is awesome. Personally, I think life would be much better if everyone in Russia just decided that he is dead no matter what, and act accordingly. Remember that in Russia, a large part of the population displays an uncanny ability to hold incorrect beliefs in spite of the most blatant evidence to the contrary. It shouldn’t be too much of a stretch to pretend that any future broadcast or appearance of Putin is either a holographic projection or a lookalike.

Regardless of what the Russian populace does, here are my working hypotheses as to Putin’s recent disappearance.

1. After the murder of Nemtsov, and particularly the allegations that the main suspects were tortured into confessing, Putin has had some kind of falling out in regards to Ramzan Kadyrov. He might have been in a series of long meetings with officials from the FSB discussing what to do next.

2. Someone informed Putin how much his war in Ukraine is costing him, causing him to have a mild heart attack.

3. Perhaps the US intelligence psychological report which suggested Putin has Asperger’s syndrome is true, and he is in fact somewhere deep in the bowels of the Kremlin playing Minecraft.

4. Putin has actually been dead for years, and a deception has been carried out for years with the help of lookalikes, special effects, and edited footage from the past.

5. Putin has never existed. He is a projection of what Russians want to be, a la Tyler Durden. He is also the projection of a perfect villain for the West. In reality, Dmitry Medvedev has been running the country for more than a decade.

6. Putin is alive but we are all actually dead. Remember the last time you had a bad accident or illness? Well you actually died. The thing is, when that happened, you never realized it. You just imagined that you got better and your “life” appears to continue, only now it is nothing but a fantasy world in which your consciousness is imprisoned and you cannot pass over to the afterlife. Occasionally you will see signs and reminders that you are actually DEAD, and that you must wake up from this dreamworld so that your soul can rest. The messages telling you to wake up will appear naturally within your fantasy. You might read it in your morning paper, or you will see something on the internet reminding you that this is all a dream and you must WAKE UP. 

Please WAKE UP!

Please WAKE UP!


4 thoughts on “I’ve got yer theories right here!

  1. jon

    A good read as usual 🙂

    Excuse me but totally off topic. Just saw Imitation game. Team Russia is going to hAAAAAAte that film!!!!

    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      I loved Imitation Game, though I wish it had had a little more technical explanation about the Enigma and how they were actually breaking it. I had to watch a Youtube documentary to figure that out. I know I’d read about it before, but it was never a major interest for me so I kind of glossed over the technical aspects.

      But yeah, I know EXACTLY which scene, in fact which line, you are referring to. The funny thing is that I didn’t really interpret it as “WE WON THE WAR,” but I know that vatniks will see it that way.

      To be honest though, I thought it was a dick move to omit all footage of Soviet celebrations from VE day during that one scene.

      1. jon

        Basically, an Anglo-Saxon homosexual helped Russia beat the Nazis in Stalingrad. You couldn’t make it up!

      2. Jim Kovpak Post author

        Yeah I kind of read that the way they meant it, as in this intelligence they gathered was crucial to all these victories during the war, but vatniks will hear it like that.

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