Professor Willywhisk’s Whimsical Invention!

“Oh would you just get on with it already,” said Dr. Caruthers as he tired of watching Dr. Wendell M. Willywhisk busy himself about with his latest invention.

“All in good time, my dear doctor, all in good time,” professor Willywhisk replied.

Besides Dr. Caruthers, four other professors from Britain’s most prestigious institutes of higher learning were present to watch Dr. Willywhisk make what he promised were the “final adjustments” to his new device. That device, whatever it was, was sitting on a table in the middle of professor Willywhisk’s drawing room. All his guests could see was some kind of bulky object covered by a white sheet. The professor carefully moved his hands under the sheet so as to make the needed adjustments without revealing so much as a peek to his guests.


“Almost there,” the eccentric professor said.

The guests grew quieter. Caruthers began to twirl the end of his imperial mustache.

“That’s it!”

The professor removed his hands from under the sheet and positioned himself next to the table.

“Gentlemen! Esteemed colleagues! Fellow seekers of knowledge! I give you one of the most extraordinary inventions of all time! I call it…UKRAINE!”

With that, the professor whipped away the sheet to reveal a strange, roughly diamond shaped solid mass in the center of the table. Attached to the bottom point was a sort of small rhomboid shape. The bottom half of this mass, closest to the spectators, was yellow, and the top half a light blue.  All the guests, Dr. Caruthers included, were taken aback at the sight of this unusual object. Suddenly one of the guests, a professor Dillings from Cambridge, took the pipe from his mouth and ventured to break the silence.

“What exactly does the Ukraine do?”

“Oh you mustn’t call it the Ukraine,” professor Willywhisk replied. “It is only a Ukraine, this Ukraine, or Ukraine! Never the Ukraine!”

“Very well then, professor. What does this Ukraine do?”

A most curious device...

A most curious device…

“Ah I am so glad you asked! You see, gentlemen, I invented the…this Ukraine, for a special purpose. With Ukraine, one can tell if a leftist is actually ideologically consistent, and whether or not they posses critical thinking ability.”

“Oh nonsense,” Caruthers sudenly burst forth. “No invention could ever tell you any such thing! Not my steam-powered thinking machine, not Dr. Wiggens’ gyrocoptic discombobulator, nothing! It is a scientific impossibility to build such a device! It is folly!”

Professor Willywhisk was totally unperturbed. He’d planned for this months in advance.

“I should have known you’d be a doubting Thomas, my dearest of dear colleagues! That’s why I prepared a little experiment. Shall we give it a go?”

With that, professor Willywhisk turned toward the door leading to the corridor.

“Oh Jeremy? Would you be so kind as to join us now?”

Just then a young man wearing the strangest clothes walked in. He had on what appeared to be some sort of lightweight military garment, and what must have been a cotton shirt of some kind underneath that unbuttoned garment. This undershirt bore a strange red and black image of an angry young man with a bushy bear and a black beret on his head. His nostrils were flared in a look of utter defiance.

“Jeremy, please stand over here, by the table, if you would.”

The young man did as he was told.

“Now, gentlemen,” professor Willywhisk said, “Prepare to be amazed.”

He turned toward the young man and said, “Jeremy, look at this device on the table. It is called Ukraine. Look at it and tell me what you see.”

The young man began to stare at the device on the table. He cocked his head to one side, then to the other. It was clear he had no actual knowledge about this device.

A smirk came over Dr. Caruthers’ face.

“Well gentlemen,” the esteemed Caruthers said to his fellow guests, “It appears we have been summoned here for nothing. You always were an eccentric, Wendell.”

He turned towards the door, and the other guests began to follow suit. Just then, the young man began talking excitedly.

“The US and European Union overthrew the legitimate Ukrainian government because it was opposing their plans to expand the influence of the IMF, Monsanto, and to spread their neo-liberal privatization schemes! President Putin stands up to the West and neo-liberal economics! That’s the only reason he is constantly demonized in the Western media! The Ukrainian government is run by NATO-loving fascists who are murdering the innocent children of the Donbass! We must uncritically support the Novorossiyan people who stand against fascism and neo-liberalism…”

“It’s amazing,” Caruthers exclaimed as the young man simply went on talking.

“Indeed,” professor Dillings said.

“Do you not see, gentlemen? The subject has no idea what he is talking about. He speaks neither Ukrainian nor Russian. He has never visited any such land. And yet when he comes in contact with this device, he can suddenly lecture on, indefinitely, about a subject he clearly knows nothing about. And with total confidence, no less!”

The guests stood speechless as the test subject continued to drone on about the IMF, Monsanto, NATO, the EU, anti-imperialism, and fascist Nazi juntas.

“There you have it, gentlemen,” professor Willywhisk proclaimed triumphantly. “The device works as designed. This young leftist agitator has no critical thinking skills, thinks in primitive, binary false dichotomies, and is totally willing to drone on about subjects he knows nothing about! And we know this all thanks to my device- the…er…thisUkraine!

A round of applause arose from the guests.

“Well done, old chap,” Caruthers said, clapping his hands. “Well done indeed. Shall we all retire to the smoking room for a well deserved glass of brandy.”

“We shall, my dear friend,” professor Willywhisk replied.

The learned men filed out of the room, leaving only the young man standing next to the device on the table, still babbling on about the “anti-fascist struggle of Novorossiya,” and how “Russian imperialism is actually imperialism of a new type, with a progressive nature insofar as it stands opposed to the more powerful American/NATO hegemonic imperialism.”

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