BREAKING NEWS! Peace agreement reached!

I’ve been covering the negotiations in Minsk for most of the night and since sun up. As some of you may know, a peace agreement has been reached, signed by none other than Putin himself. However, some of you might not be familiar with the actual text of the agreement. Some points were added to the original Minsk protocol and the media has not yet released them. Luckily I was able to get that info via my own channels.

-Both the Donetsk People’s Republic and the Lugansk People’s Republic are to be merged into one territory known as the “Autonomous Republic of Banderovia.” The official language will be Galician Ukrainian. Failure to speak Ukrainian in public will be punished by imprisonment.

-Within 90 days of the agreement, each city within the autonomous region must erect no fewer than three monuments to Stepan Bandera.

-UN peacekeepers will occupy the region. The peacekeeping force will consist entirely of American military personnel.

-Same sex marriage is declared mandatory for all residents.

-The Russian Orthodox church is to be outlawed.

-The minimum price of vodka is to be raised no less than 300%.

-Signatories also agreed to a resolution affirming that the Second World War was won single-handedly by the United States, and that no other non-Axis countries contributed in any way worth mentioning. The text of this resolution is to be published in all school textbooks.

-Sunflower seeds are banned.

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4 thoughts on “BREAKING NEWS! Peace agreement reached!

  1. Dimitri

    I just donated $50. I say this in the hope that others will read it and donate as well.

    It’s nice to find a place with a left-wing perspective that doesn’t feed me a line. Keep up the good work.

    Reply
    1. Jim Kovpak Post author

      Thanks a lot. Due to your donation and this recent publishing gig, the money lost by declining Ren TV’s offer to read anti-European hate propaganda is essentially compensated in dollar value.

      You could almost say that you’ve struck a blow at the Russian media.

      Reply
  2. J.A. Beard

    I just donated.

    I’ll be honest. My politics are rather right-wing overall (well, economically, though I have a lot of issues with the corrupt crony corporate capitalism of the United State, and socially I’m pretty freaking liberal), and while I definitely don’t buy into all your politics or political conclusions, you’re one of the few independent sources I’ve seen writing about Russian that isn’t falling into the “Russia opposes America therefore it’s EVIL” or “Russia opposes America therefore it’s GOOD” silly binary dichotomy I see from most of the internet, even a lot of the allegedly “educated” and “serious” people.

    Plus, you actually supply actual historical context and know the language. I’m a lover of history, and I’m always amazed how people don’t even remember the historical context of stuff from like a decade ago when providing alleged “analysis.”

    If I could clone you and teach you fifty other languages to spread you around the world, I would. Like I said, different politics, but anyone who cares more about reality than winning political or ideological points should want honest, independent people of all political stripes providing information on areas of importance rather than listening to the hacks that pass for subject matter experts, even if those hacks flatter their pre-conceived ideological biases.

    Reply

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