I’ve been covering the negotiations in Minsk for most of the night and since sun up. As some of you may know, a peace agreement has been reached, signed by none other than Putin himself. However, some of you might not be familiar with the actual text of the agreement. Some points were added to the original Minsk protocol and the media has not yet released them. Luckily I was able to get that info via my own channels.
-Both the Donetsk People’s Republic and the Lugansk People’s Republic are to be merged into one territory known as the “Autonomous Republic of Banderovia.” The official language will be Galician Ukrainian. Failure to speak Ukrainian in public will be punished by imprisonment.
-Within 90 days of the agreement, each city within the autonomous region must erect no fewer than three monuments to Stepan Bandera.
-UN peacekeepers will occupy the region. The peacekeeping force will consist entirely of American military personnel.
-Same sex marriage is declared mandatory for all residents.
-The Russian Orthodox church is to be outlawed.
-The minimum price of vodka is to be raised no less than 300%.
-Signatories also agreed to a resolution affirming that the Second World War was won single-handedly by the United States, and that no other non-Axis countries contributed in any way worth mentioning. The text of this resolution is to be published in all school textbooks.
-Sunflower seeds are banned.