This post is TOTALLY SATIRICAL and is dedicated to a certain stalker who apparently follows a particular female blogger/journalist. Said stalker made the mistake of mentioning this blog in his most recent creepy rant. He has sown the wind…
Dear Russian/Ukrainian female writing things on the internet,
I noticed that you are writing things on the internet in English, and you sometimes talk openly about sex. You poor, misguided thing! Obviously you must weigh 150kg, strictly following an all-ice cream diet regime as you watch old reruns of 90’s family sitcoms alone in your studio flat surrounded by a half dozen cats. What a great career that PhD in gender studies bought you, am I right? Of course I’m right. I’m always right because I’m a traditional male. I am not wasting my precious life on this earth. I assure you, you soulless harlot!
I bet you went to an expensive college and learned about things like feminism and how to friendzone refined gentlemen while actively seeking out total assholes who constantly cheated on you when you weren’t looking. Now look at you. So alone. So many cats. Are you happy now? I bet you aren’t. It’s obvious from your usage of adverbs. You aren’t happy at all. I am truly happy.
Unlike you, who are doubtless alone and totally unwanted by all men all over the world, I am quite satisfied with my life. I have spent time in Russia and I have had sex on a regular basis with multiple females who are considered extremely attractive by conventional standards. I am an important person. My life has meaning and significance. It does, dammit!
No doubt you blog in an attempt to fight the patriarchy, but you cannot possibly win. The men’s rights movement is succeeding, and soon us men will never have to wash dishes again. Proper Russian and Ukrainian women will clean up after us in between passionate sex sessions. All the while you’ll be wasting your precious time on this earth blogging, bathed in the glow of your computer monitor surrounded by so many cats and empty ice cream cartons.
Too bad you’ll never have the great privilege of garnering my attention. My masculinity is beyond question. I am a well adjusted individual and I do not have serious issues with women or my mother, regardless of what my therapist says! Did I mention you have lots of cats? I know you have lots of cats! I can tell by your writing style!
You are insignificant. I am important. People care about me. It’s cute how you try to fill the gaping hole in your life with writing. Well that and butter pecan ice cream. But no doubt in your cold $2500 a month studio apartment in NYC, you wish you could keep up with those attractive girls you no doubt make fun of with your equally feline-equipped friends.
This is totally normal. I don’t need medication. Everybody else has a serious mental disorder, not me!
PS I bet you have 36 cats. I’m right, am I not? I can tell by the way you use gerunds. So predictable.