To get the full effect of this satire, I recommend reading this piece first.
Wow! What a year 2014 was, am I right? We saw Russia’s currency fall through the floor, its GDP growth shrink to near zero, and its president nervously rambling when asked about the economy at his press conference in December. In January oil prices have continued to fall, taking the ruble down with them and making Russia’s prospects look pretty grim in 2015. All experts including Russian government officials agree that the economy is in serious trouble, and they have expressed this opinion in public numerous times. But should we be so pessimistic about Russia’s future? Could Russia unexpectedly turn everything around and conquer the EU and US? We can’t be certain, but the answer is definitely yes.
A black duck event is what RT-dubbed political analysts call a historical event which suddenly validates the failed predictions you’ve been making for years simply by its occurrence. For example, let’s say you’ve spent the last ten years of your life claiming that the collapse of the US dollar was immanent. Obviously this doesn’t bode well for your credibility, but here’s the thing- there’s always next year. A black duck event would be the dollar actually collapsing after your most recent prediction. There doesn’t need to be any good reason to expect a black duck event to happen, you just have to want it enough. Therefore if someone objects to your endless failed prophesies by pointing out that not only did they not come true, but rather that the opposite happened instead, you can just make the same prediction again and tell them that this is a possible black duck event. They can’t possibly see it coming, and they can’t deny it either.
So what possible black duck events might we see in 2015? Here’s an arbitrarily numbered list pulled straight from the asses of Russia “political analysts” from all over the world.
1. Countries abandon the dollar for the ruble
Sure, it hasn’t happened in all these years that various Russian writers, leaders, politicians, and political analysts have been talking about it, but 2015 could be the year! Who knows, the Chinese might even tear up their previous natural gas agreement with Russia, which was to be paid in dollars, in favor of a new agreement paid in rubles. Ditto India and Turkey. Obviously all these countries have good reason to want to fuck over one of their biggest trading partners for the sake of some Russian intellectuals’ imperial masturbatory fantasies. IT COULD HAPPEN!
2. Russia reconquers Baltic region, Finland
Sure, people who know better scoff at the Russian army, but people have underestimated it before, to their doom. Because something has happened a couple times in the past, this means it must always happen every time.
What if the Russian army’s internal abuse, corruption, and incompetence is nothing but a big bluff? What if it’s all a part of the brilliant “hybrid war strategy?” The tables sure would turn if Russia managed to conquer the Baltic countries. This would have no serious adverse consequences for Russia. Please don’t ask questions.
3. 1 ruble = 1,000,000 USD
As soon as Bulgaria starts buying Russian gas in rubles, you can pretty much bet that the whole world will abandon the dollar, causing it to suffer hyperinflation. Wait, is it Bulgaria? Maybe it’s Turkey? Which world leader did Putin meet with last? I guess it doesn’t matter as long as you know that the last country whose head of state met with Putin is now firmly in Russia’s camp and will inevitably be the catalyst for a worldwide pivot away form the dollar.
4. Russia ends corruption
Corruption in Russia is a problem, so long as you don’t blame it on Putin or his system. If you do, then WHAT ABOUT THE CORRUPTION THAT SOMETIMES TAKES PLACE IN AMERICA, YOU CIA SHILL?! Where were we? Oh right. So the “experts” say that Russia’s economy suffers from corruption. But check this out. What if, like, there was no more corruption in Russia? What if the president’s twenty third promise to fight corruption is actually fulfilled? Don’t say it can’t happen!
5. Yugoslav style civil war breaks out in the United States
It’s a little known fact that Las Vegas and its surrounding area were once part of the Arizona territory before being annexed by the state of Nevada. Thus far things have been peaceful, but what if events in Ferguson from last year combine with tensions from illegal immigration in Arizona, creating a revanchist mood in that state? A new, populist governor, possibly fearing economic collapse in the wake of the dollar’s plummeting value, may declare Arizona independent and attempt to re-annex Las Vegas. This would inevitably lead to war with the remainder of the United States, but of course Mexico would then probably take the side of Arizona in hopes of absorbing the state later down the road.
California could be totally destroyed in an earthquake, while Russia re-annexes Alaska. Canada will then invade Detroit, the worst place in the entire world, and annex all of Michigan to expand Canadian geopolitical influence in the region. The deep south will most likely from a new Confederacy and attempt to reinstate slavery, which will naturally pull African nations into the conflict out of solidarity and shared memory of the horrors of slavery. Kansas could stop being incredibly windy, and Chicago might become the capital of a new Polish state in the Midwest. At this point a Dutch invasion to recover the old territory of New Netherland would probably occur, ultimately leading to an occupation of New York City and much of the surrounding territory. Massachusetts won’t do anything, because Massachusetts is gay. Everybody else is basically killing each other and burning shit for some reason. When the dust settles, Russia wins.
It may sound unlikely to Western ears, but this scenario has been voiced by numerous Russian political scientists. Many of them point to the documentary film shown below as evidence that America’s breakup is indeed just around the corner.
6. Russia builds moon colony, corners market in moon oil, gems
Russia still has a neck-and-neck with the US in space exploration. To date, however, Russia hasn’t pressed her advantage and turned it into an economic lever? Check it out though- What if Russia did in 2015? Russia could outflank the West, in space! That’s right- just as oil prices continue to drop, Russia stuns the world by building a base on the surface of the moon. Having shut out all competitors including the US, Russia discovers lunar oil and precious lunar gemstones, which it then sells for billions of dol… I mean, rubles!
Assuming America hasn’t already collapsed as per the scenario described in the previous item, Russia will soon be able to pummel the decadent empire into submission with 12 intergalactic battle cruisers. Mistral helicopter carriers? Who needs them?
Unrealistic? How do you know? These are black duck events. You can’t see them coming! They could happen! Don’t give up on Putin yet! Please keep listening to my geopolitical analysis!