At least that’s what I do when I actually think about your sanctions, but I don’t. I never do! We Russians don’t care about your sanctions. We never cared. When you came out of the blue and slapped sanctions on us for no reason, we were too busy enjoying our traditional values such as rye bread, porridge, bliny, caviar, domestic violence, and adultery to care. What a complete waste of time your sanctions are! All the more reason to remove them.
Not that it matters if you do or not, because when we think we’re right we never give up. Except in 1917. It was just a re-branding, though. Or in 1991, when we gave up again. But we only did that so as to trick you. We had to overthrow the USSR to bring back the Russian Empire. But this time we will never give up! We will tolerate any deprivation for the sake of our Great Leader Vladimir Putin, even though he and his cronies will not change their lifestyle one bit. This is the Russian way, submitting to a strong leader who occasionally throws you crumbs if you behave. Or not. Did you really think these sanctions would work? Ridiculous! Might as well remove them. They’re so counter-productive.
Actually, when I think about these sanctions, I’m sure that they will only help Russia just as our great leader has declared. I would think that, however, if only I ever thought about the sanctions. Of course I don’t think about the sanctions, rendering the whole point moot. What utterly useless sanctions these are! Why would you even continue to enforce them if they clearly aren’t having any negative effect? Seems like a futile effort.
Of course your sanctions, which we do not think about because of our mysterious and deeply enigmatic Russian soul, must be answered in kind. Though we are not afraid of your sanctions and they have no effect on us, we will respond with our own sanctions, which will surely affect you! That is unless you remove your sanctions, in which case we might be inclined to grant you mercy. Only if you remove your useless, utterly ineffective sanctions, of course.
Did you forget how we defeated Hitler, who wanted to enslave our nation by giving us contested elections and same-sex marriage? Our people drew on their deep faith in the Orthodox Church and with the guidance of their profoundly religious Russian nationalist leader Ilya Ivanovich Stalin, they defeated the entire German army. In fact it is said that the Germans were demoralized by a vision of St. George which appeared in the sky before them! You Westerners, with your love of “logic” and “evidence” may scoff at that story, but there’s no such thing as objective truth! If you say something, that makes it true. And that’s why Russia will defeat your sanctions the same way it defeated Hitler and Genghis Khan! We have a special historical mission, which is to endure hardship under the unflinching yoke of a strong leader who is utterly isolated from us, for reasons which we cannot explain to you cold, reasoning Westerners. Seriously though, remove the sanctions. It’s getting silly.
Sanctions! Laughable! If only you could see me laughing at your sanctions! Only a fool would keep these sanctions against Russia! Why don’t you stop embarrassing yourselves and just remove your sanctions. No, really, why don’t you? Come on, this isn’t funny anymore. Prices are rising. Oil keeps falling. I can barely afford buckwheat for God’s sake! Come on and remove these useless, counter-productive sanctions that hurt you more than us! Please! For the love of god! Get rid of these ridiculous sanctions! Please! I’m begging you! I’m laughing too hard! I might die of laughter provoked by your sanctions! Stop the sanctions! Stop!