Section I: Personal Data
Are you of Russian descent?
A. No. 5 POINTS
B. Yes, but raised my whole life in America and never lived in Russia for any significant amount of time. 1 POINT
What is your ethnic background?
A. Mostly Irish/Western European, but my great grandfather was half Polish! 1 POINT
B. Same as above, but it was my great-great-grandfather and he was Slovakian! 2 POINTS
C. My great-great-great-grandfather lived in the Austro-Hungarian Empire, which had a lot of Slavs in it. I’M PRACTICALLY RUSSIAN! 50 POINTS
How much time have you spent in Russia?
Subtract one point for every year you have spent in Russia. If you haven’t spent more than two weeks in Russia, give yourself 30 points. If you have never even been to Russia at all, give yourself 50 points.
Do you speak Russian?
A. No. 10 POINTS
B. Yes, with a horrible accent that makes Russians and non-Russians cringe when you speak, even if they agree with you. 5 POINTS
My political beliefs could best be described as:
A. Far right 5 Points
B. Far left since I started college last year. 4 POINTS
C. Extremely Malleable. 6 POINTS
D. Whatever I read on Infowars. 10 POINTS
E. All of the above. 1,000,000 POINTS
Past sexual experience
A. Virgin 15 POINTS
B. Prostitutes only 20 POINTS
C. I’m telling you, Olga does want to get married! It’s just that we only met that one summer when I came to Moscow and showered her with gifts and took her to all kinds of expensive restaurants. We still talk on Skype and she says maybe she’ll make a decision when I come next summer! She’s totally in love with me. We’ve been chatting online for like, more than a year now! She actually kissed me goodbye at the airport! 30 POINTS
D. A and C 50 POINTS
E. D, but it doesn’t matter because I’m not interested in spoiled, materialistic Western sluts! Olga will appreciate me for who I am!
Section II: Multiple Choice Questions
You see an article with negative news about Russia, how do you react in the comment section of the article?
A. Point out similar examples of the same problems in other countries, and insist that it’s all the same. 3 POINTS
B. Understand that if they never reported anything negative about Russia, journalists literally wouldn’t be able to cover that country, and there is no reason why they shouldn’t do that. Besides, it’s not like every article about other countries’ problems contains references to those of Russia, right? No need to get upset or leave a comment at all, for that matter. -10 POINTS
C. Same as A, but accuse the author of being a shill for the CIA and start rambling about Iraq. 10 POINTS
D. Same as C, but with an additional rant about the Federal Reserve and “worthless fiat currency.”
You are confronted with undeniable evidence of an egregious problem in Russia which you know does not occur with any frequency in your own country. How do you respond?
A. Blame the problem on America. 10 POINTS
B. Blame the problem on the “International Bankers”(Wink, wink). 15 POINTS
C. Lie and say that this problem occurs all the time in your city. Hopefully your opponent has never been to America. 20 POINTS
D. All of the above, plus a rant about the global hegemony and the Federal Reserve. 100 POINTS
How mysterious and enigmatic are Russia and the Russian soul?
A. Very. 1 POINT
B. Terribly mysterious! 5 POINTS
C. No degenerate, soulless Westerner could ever truly comprehend the deep, enigmatic mystery that is the Russian soul, for it is like a riddle wrapped in a question, folded into a conundrum, duct-taped to a quandary, and stuffed into the rectum of a puzzle. Except for me, of course. I totally get it. 100 POINTS
You identify as radical left, but another leftist has pointed out how Russia’s government promotes far right ideas, and that it has ties to far right and fascist parties in various European countries. How do you justify this?
A. Say that this doesn’t matter because Russia stands against “Western hegemony.” 5 POINTS
B. Accuse your opponent of being a fascist 10 POINTS
C. A and B. 20 POINTS
You start lecturing someone in an online discussion about life in Russia, in spite of the fact that you don’t speak the language and you’ve never been there. Suddenly your opponent reveals that they actually live in Russia(or maybe they are Russian). They’re dropping all these sources backing up their claims, but they’re all in Russian so you can’t read them. What do you do?
A. By no means admit that you might not know what you’re talking about. Double down on your claims and pretend like nobody else is watching this exchange, or that they can easily compare your knowledge to that of your opponent and quickly realize that you’re full of shit. 10 POINTS
B. Accuse your opponent of being a CIA shill. 20 POINTS
C. Go into a meltdown about the NSA, Iraq, global hegemony, fiat currency, neoconservatives and Detroit, AKA “The Robert Bridge.” 50 POINTS
D. All of the above. 100 POINTS
Someone calls Russia a dictatorship. How can you prove that it isn’t a dictatorship?
A. Russia has different newspapers! Some of them are critical of the government! 10 POINTS
B. I heard some Russians make a joke about Putin online! Could you do that in a dictatorship? 10 POINTS
C. America’s the country that doesn’t have freedom of speech! (Either no explanation follows, or examples which show poor understanding of the 1st Amendment are cited.) 20 POINTS
The Russian government moves to ban or heavily restrict one of those “critical” media outlets you used to show how free Russia is. How do you respond?
A. You don’t understand. Russia is in an information war. That wasn’t an ordinary media outlet, but a propaganda mill! 10 POINTS
B. Same as A, but throw in a completely inaccurate comparison to some case in the US or Europe. 20 POINTS
C. Same as A, but point out Russia’s remaining “independent” media outlets. Should any of those be banned or restricted in the same way at a later date, simply use answer A in reference to them. 30 POINTS
You’re right-wing reactionary who constantly refers to Russia as a defender of traditional values. Your opponent confronts you with video evidence which contradicts the narrative of Russia as a morally upright, traditional society. How do you react?
A. Standard whataboutism. 10 POINTS
B. Admit the problem exists, but it’s somehow America’s fault. 20 POINTS
C. Start babbling about the 90’s even though you never visited Russia in the 90’s. 30 POINTS
D. All of the above. 50 POINTS
People keep accusing you of being a Putin-shill. What “criticisms” of Putin and/or his regime can you make without being a Western liberal Maidan/Western Hegemony/Gay fascism-supporting sack of shit?
A. He’s too popular. 1 POINT
B. His dick is too big, making it difficult for him to wear tight pants. 5 POINTS
C. Putin’s problem is that he isn’t hard enough. He should force Russians to adhere to an official ideology. Russia would still be more free than the US in that case, however, because reasons! 50 POINTS
Section III: Matching
Whataboutery test. Match the following criticisms about Russia(1-8) to their appropriate “what about…”(A-H) Give yourself 2 points for every correctly matched pair.
1. Urban Decay, crumbling infrastructure
2. Massive wealth inequality
3. Tolerance and encouragement of xenophobia and far right-wing ideology
4. Massive corruption
5. Poor demographics
6. Annexation of Crimea
7. Lack of democracy
8. Police corruption
A. What about Japan?
B. What about Ferguson?
C. What about the 1%?
D. What about Detroit?
E. What about the 2000 election?
F. What about Kosovo?
G. What about Praviy Sektor?
H. What about the bailout?
Section IV: Essay Questions.
Answer any 3 of the following questions in your own words. Try to keep them within normal comments section limits.
1. Putin has just announced new laws requiring all Russian citizens to do 5 years of unpaid labor, a total ban on the internet, and the right of “first night” for all Duma deputies and local bureaucrats. Justify this and explain how it’s actually much worse in America.
2. You have never spent any significant time in Russia, nor can you actually speak the language. Explain how you are more knowledgeable about the subject of daily life in Russia than someone who actually does live there and who speaks the language.
3. Write several paragraphs about post-Soviet Russia’s economic achievements, e.g. recovering from the horrible 90’s, the Yotaphone, that sleek new tram.
4. Explain how Russia’s economic shortcomings don’t actually matter at all because unlike the degenerate West, Russia has deep spiritual values. Remember to include your rough estimate as to when the West will collapse due to its tolerance of homosexuality.
5. Explain the mysterious Russian soul. TRICK QUESTION! YOU CAN’T!
6. A person with far more experience and knowledge of Russia has just told you that you’ve basically built a delusion around Russia, imagining that it is some fantasy land which conforms to your dreams because you feel so alienated by your own society yet you are unable to cope with these feelings in a normal, healthy way. They say that you are basically the equivalent of those white kids who get obsessed with Japan. They warn you that Russia does not conform to your fantasies and you should probably start reevaluating your life to find better solutions to your problems than living vicariously through a non-existent version of a distant country. In your own words, how fucked up is that? Also, would you say your opponent is definitely a faggot?
7. Explain all the wonderful, magical things that the BRICS alliance can do to destroy the Anglo-American Atlantic Hegemony. For example: Satellite ion cannons, moon colony, etc.
HOW TO CALCULATE YOUR SCORE:
Essays will be evaluated if posted in the comments section. For all other sections, add up your points and consult the following chart.
RUSSOPHILE SCORING CHART
0-5: You have a serious problem. Stop frequenting Voice of Russia or RT.
10: Hopeless. You probably already own a souvenir ushanka hat.
20 or more: Critical case. You could be sent to the most dilapidated Siberian village and you’d still say it’s superior to Boston. Requires long, grueling therapy.