Novorossiya fan fiction

I was surprised to see how quickly Russia’s fiction writers have been turning out literature about Novorossiya and the conflict in Eastern Ukraine. I don’t mean the fiction writers at RT this time. I was referring to novelists, people who at least acknowledge that they are making things up.  Anyway, I’m proud to present you with some examples of action-packed titles inspired by the great conflict of our time. Look out, Tolstoy. Eat a dick, Dostoevsky! A new generation of true Russian authors is about to usher in a new golden age of Russian literature!

Our first title is Ukrainian Hell, which has the tagline “This is our war!” I’m sure that the publisher probably included a disclaimer explaining that by “our war,” neither the author nor the publisher is implying that any Russian troops have been in Ukraine at any time.

Judging by the cover this book must be set in the future, when the US develops an airplane capable of landing in Kyiv’s Maidan Nezhalezhnosti, depicted in the background. It’s not exactly clear what’s going down here; if the Russian resistance has captured the square, why would this American pilot land here? Or did the US Air Force decide to use this square as an air base when the Russian rebels overran the area? Perhaps this is a hypothetical future in which the American Joint Chiefs of Staff are replaced with eight-year-old children in the interests of cutting costs. Whatever the case, our hero is for some reason armed with an unusually large hatchet. You never know when you’ll need to chop down a few trees in the center of Kyiv.

This next tome is entitled Ukraine in Flames. Our hero in the foreground performs a very unique, acrobatic melee attack with the butt of his Kalashnikov. He is totally unconcerned about the proximity of the aerial rockets being fired above. In the background on the right, we see a character who may have been based on RT’s Graham Phillips. He came for the sex tour, he stayed for the glory of combat! Here we see him emptying his magazine at his natural enemy, the trip flare. Can’t wait to crack this one. I predict ceaseless carnage!

Do you have a Russian friend who likes reading novels while relaxing by the Crimean shore? Of course you don’t! Russians don’t go to the Crimea! But your friend can still enjoy Wild Fields 2017 while soaking up the sun in Sharm-el-Sheikh or Antalya!

This is a bit more imaginative, almost science fiction-like novel, as the cover implies that the Donetsk People’s Republic will exist in 2017.  Now I’m no expert on Ukrainian or Donetsk People’s Republican traffic regulations, but it seems to me that those Svoboda guys in the Mercedes had the right away here. Also, note that the DNR forces are driving what appears to be a variant of the BMP or BMD infantry fighting vehicle. This begs the question as to whether the DNR soldiers in the book will still claim that they captured this and other vehicles from “Ukrainian army depots” in 2017. Ukraine, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to be doing well. They’ve had to resort to relying on Svoboda paramilitaries who ride into battle in Mercedes Benz luxury SUVs. They’re also not very defensive drivers.  Just for the record, I don’t have any moral qualms about running tanks or other armored vehicles into cars that are occupied by Svoboda members. I’m just having a little trouble suspending my disbelief when it comes to the premise of this novel.

wtfnovel

This title is called The Wrath of Novorossiya. In this scene, we see that wrath directed not against other supporters of Novorossiya, civilians, women going to cafes, or their fellow militiamen, but rather against this Ukrainian Banderite who was such a bitch that he decided to come to battle dressed in the same camouflage pattern our hero is wearing! He knew the hero was going to be wearing that Soviet 80’s airborne style and he still went out and got the same camo just to spite him!

I can’t help but notice, however, that neither our hero, nor his Banderite opponent seem to understand the utility of firearms in battle.  Perhaps this explains the stalemate in the Donbass region? In any case, I’m sure it’s a real page turner!

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Novorossiya fan fiction

  1. Bandersnatch

    This was hilarious. The hatchet thing is great. Why does that man have a tail on his head? I’m sure that is supposed to be hair but it looks like duct tape. Btw, it is obvious why the American is there. He was the one who shot down the passenger airliner and now Russia must punish him!

    Reply
  2. Bandersnatch

    Also…in the second book. The dude has a rocket launcher. How did he NOT see a tank coming his way? I mean…its not like those things run at high speed. He could easily have launched that thing at him and then outpaced the tank. Lame.

    Reply
    1. Big Bill Haywood Post author

      Well they were in that luxury SUV so maybe they were heading for the club first. As for the hair thing, I believe the technical term is a “chub,” and it was a traditional hairstyle among Ukrainian cossacks. It’s often worn by nationalists today, because nationalists are morons.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s