I’ll just leave this here…

The next time you’re reading some alarmist article about Russia being this rising global threat and World War III is just around the corner, I highly suggest you take this story into account. I realize that those not familiar with the post-Soviet Russian military may be skeptical, but in defense of its authenticity I have two arguments. The first is that the site clearly has a Team Russia bias, therefore they would have a motive not to publish such an embarrassing story. The typical Team Russia response to anyone pointing out any social problem in Russia is to find one example of a similar occurrence anywhere in the world and then declare that the problem is the same everywhere, even though it clearly isn’t. The second piece of evidence is that everything in the story jives with other stories I’ve seen from time to time in the Russian press. Photographs of the abuse sometimes appear on Russian social networks and on sites like Lurkmore.to, a Russian site comparable to Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Of course this sexual abuse and sex slavery is piled on top of an already infamous legacy of physical abuse, hazing, ethnic rivalry, and exploitation. Sure, those “Little Green Men” who simultaneously were and were not in the Crimea looked pretty intimidating with their latest Russian military gear, but anyone with a modicum of Russian military knowledge can correctly surmise that this was a case of Russia putting its best foot forward. Behind that facade is an army of poorly paid, often abused conscripts who were unable to bribe their way out of their mandatory service. There is a basic modern military principle that for every combat soldier on the front lines, you have about a minimum of ten support soldiers behind him, without whom he simply cannot fight. The guys maintaining their communications, logistics, etc. would be conscripts serving a term of one year.

Far worse is the fact that in the Russian army, these support soldiers don’t appear to have any combat training. Former support soldiers I’ve talked to describe firing five rounds from an AK-74M, and they were floored when I explained to them that every US soldier, regardless of their MOS, must first qualify with the M16A2, then their personal weapon once out of training, and then re-qualify at least every six months. In addition to this, the recruit back in my day was also familiarized with the operation of the M249 Squad Automatic Weapon, the M203 grenade launcher, the AT4 anti-tank weapon, and the claymore mine. Hand grenade training gets a whole day, which includes throwing two live fragmentation grenades.  The number of rounds the recruit expends in the three weeks of basic rifle marksmanship alone may easily top 1,000.  One thing we didn’t have when I was in the army, was over a decade of recent, real-world combat experience. Our sergeants and officers were typically veterans of the first Gulf War. Therefore your average US army soldier or Marine has far more relevant and practical combat knowledge than I ever did, even when I was out of training.

Pro-Russian war nerds love to rattle off technical specs of Russian military technology, without having real first-hand experience of how that technology works in the real world as opposed to special demonstrations or promotional videos. They also totally fail to grasp the importance of the human factor, i.e. the person at the controls of that system, largely because they tend to be gelatinous blobs of adipose tissue who never even had a chance at serving in the military. They also tend to forget that the Western media, in the insatiable search for ratings, has a huge incentive to play up the idea of a rising, threatening Russian menace. So to American defense contractors, for that matter. After all, it is a pain in the ass to get the Pentagon to buy conventional military technology when the main targets tend to be a handful of guys with AKs. Russia actually has produced many top-of-the-line weapons, but outside the realm of small arms, all military technology is prone to defect and all weapons, including the venerable Kalashnikov, are useless without a human being to operate them.

So is Russia a threat? No, not really. Russia is basically like a drunken frat boy who starts picking fights at a party. He swings his arms wildly and says things like, “Come on, bro! I’m right here! You don’t even KNOW ME, bro! Let’s go!” Then he attempts to rip his flannel shirt off, but it gets stuck on his wrist and he starts flailing around in a futile attempt to get it off. In the process, he accidentally hits this girl named Georgia, who’s like, “Oh…my…GOD! Who invited this guy?” Then another girl, we’ll call her Ukraine, gets a little too close and his other flailing hand upends her solo cup, spilling beer all over her new blouse. “Who is this douchebag,” she asks to no one in particular. “It’s just Russia,” one of the guests informs her as he hands her a towel. “He does this sometimes.” Meanwhile Russia keeps screaming, “Come on bro! You wanna fight? Let’s DO this! Come on and swing on me! It will hurt you more! I don’t care what anyone thinks! Fuck all y’all!” The crowd parts around him, staring in shock as he stumbles to the door.  He then attempts to repeat his challenge on the front lawn, but soon his stomach starts to churn and he ends up on his hands and knees, vomiting violently.

So yeah, Russia is a threat if you’re close and small, but as long as we all maintain our cool and don’t lose touch with reality, World War III won’t happen, especially since no country is going to put its ass on the line to save Russia. All you war nerds can stop fapping now. Thank you.

Relevant video: Russia’s new military doctrine. Very scary!


4 thoughts on “I’ll just leave this here…

  1. gunlord500

    That hazing is disgusting…I feel mighty sorry for the poor Russian conscripts who have to deal with it. That said, as bad as it may sound, I can’t help but allow myself a bit of contemptuous laughter at all the “manosphere” guys we’ve talked about before who think Russia is some bastion of true “alpha maleness.” If any of them actually moved to that country to support its “fight” against feminism, well, that article makes me think they’d be well advised to bring their own lube.

  2. Pingback: War nerdery or The article where I criticize my own writing | Russia Without BS

  3. Pingback: Oh god it’s another one! | Russia Without BS

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