Somewhere in the USA…
Larry sat, bathed in the glow of his computer monitor. It was getting late. Late for Larry was three o’clock in the morning. He was contemplating another play through of his favorite Hentai game, Meet n’ Fuck Kingdom, before dozing off to bed. He grabbed his trusty bottle of lotion and prepared for another…”session,” but as he was switching tabs his eyes caught a glimpse of something disturbing. A news article! More importantly, a news article about Russia! The anime girls with impossibly large breasts would have to wait!
He began to read the article, but as he did he could feel the rage boiling up inside him. He was actually trembling with fury, so much so that crumbs of Doritos and flakes of long-since-consumed Hot Pockets were expelled from his gaming t-shirt onto his already well-covered floor. The writer was critical of Russia! Here was this American fuckhead, living in Russia, writing negative things about Russia! Did he think it was better in the US? Yes, that must be it! Why would you ever criticize Russia unless you love the American government and support every policy it has ever carried out, both foreign and domestic? He must love the US government! He must have voted for Obama! Doesn’t he know that Russia is a land of traditional values in a sea of degeneracy? Doesn’t he know that Russia holds the key to the salvation of Western civilization from the evils of feminism, reverse racism, and fiat currency?
Scratch that. He probably does know! He knows all about that, and that’s why he hates Russia so much. He’s a liberal degenerate who hangs out with gay people and Russians who don’t know that Putin is the savior of white, Western civilization! He probably tells every Russian he meets that America and other Western countries have no problems at all, and that they’re superior to Russia in every way. Oh shit! That triggered an even more horrifying realization in Larry’s already enraged mind. He’s probably having sex with tons of hot Russian girls, just like the ones Larry could only jerk off to. That had to be the case, because Larry knew that chicks only dig assholes, not nice guys like him, and this author was definitely an asshole because what he wrote about Russia contradicted everything Larry had read on RT and Voice of Russia. Could that be the case? Could this Obama-loving sack of shit in Moscow be banging all kinds of Russian women, luring those virginal, traditional girls into bed with promises of moving to his fantasy version of America? No. Larry managed to calm himself down a bit. That couldn’t be the case. Only skanky Western women chase after assholes. Russian women appreciate real classy gentlemen. Every foreign dating site Larry had ever visited backed this up. One day Larry would move to Russia, once he mined enough Bitcoins, and choose his dream girl to keep him warm during the winters. That thought brought him a small amount of solace.
But still! This could not be allowed to stand! This author is obviously a paid shill! He probably works for some Soros-funded NGO. No! Worse! He probably works for the CIA! That is the only logical explanation as to why an American would be living in Russia and writing things which contradict everything Larry had read on RT. This little prick probably supported the Iraq war, and most likely wanted to see America invade Syria. Could it be that his obviously Russophobic article was provoked by a combination of Putin’s deft move to prevent war on Syria, coupled with the stinging bitterness caused by the reunification of the Crimean peninsula with Holy Russia, of which it had been a part for centuries? Probably.
This little fucker probably loves debt-based fiat currency and the Federal Reserve. He wants to live in a world controlled by banksters who get bailouts from the federal government when they fail. He probably scoffs at Bitcoin, at his own peril of course. He believes in American exceptionalism and can’t see that Russia is rising while the degenerate West crumbles. He can’t see the writing on the wall. He never took the red pill like Larry. He probably doesn’t even appreciate the animation or plot of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, preferring instead to watch Everybody Loves Raymond or the Kardashians! This fucking guy!
Larry couldn’t take it any more. He had to respond. Though he had never been to Russia before, though he couldn’t speak or even read a single word of Russian, he knew that the NWO-loving author of this obvious CIA disinformation psyops piece was full of shit. Larry knew what was really going on in Russia. He had his source. The methodology was simple. Read other shitty CIA psyops articles about Russia in the mainstream media; then assume the exact opposite is true. If Russia was alleged to have a problem with corruption, that meant it wasn’t corrupt at all. If Russia was criticized for its foreign policy, that meant its foreign policy was actually correct. It might not be the perfect system, but it had served Larry pretty well thus far In any case, one could find corruption in America and Europe too. Larry would drop the fucking hammer on these hypocrites. He pressed the caps lock key and cracked his knuckles. Get ready, Mr. CIA shill, I’m about to expose your sorry ass! Larry began to type…
“THIS ARTICLE IS OBVIOUSLY WRITTEN BY A SOROS-FUNDED NGO CIA SHILL WHO GETS PAID BY THE WHITE HOUSE! WHY DOES HE CRITICIZE RUSSIA WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT THE US/NATO WHICH INVADED IRAQ AND LIBYA AND WANTED TO DESTROY SYRIA SO THAT THE BANKSTERS COULD DISTRACT US FROM THEIR THEFT OF ALL OUR DEBT-BASED FIAT CURRENCY WHICH THEY USE TO LOBBY CONGRESS INTO PASSING THE MONSANTO PROTECTION ACT SO THEY CAN POISON US WITH GMOS THAT MAKE US DOCILE? WHAT A HYPOCRITE! RUSSIA IS DEFENDING TRADITIONAL CULTURE AND VALUES AGAINST THE LIBERAL ANGLO-AMERICAN AGGRESSOR! THEY RESPECT TRADITION AND CULTURE IN RUSSIA! IF HE THINKS IT’S SO BAD THERE, HE SHOULD COME BACK TO AMERICA AND SEE WHAT IT’S LIKE! WE DON’T HAVE ANY FREEDOM HERE IN AMERICA! THE ANTI-RUSSIAN BIAS OF THIS PUBLICATION IS OBVIOUS! THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT SHOULD BLOCK ITS SITE AND BAN IT BECAUSE THE WEST IS WAGING AN INFORMATION WAR ON RUSSIA!”
No sooner had Larry finished his last sentence did he click the “post” button. He eased back in his chair, a sense of calm washing over him. He had shown that shill. He closed the Reddit tab and prepared to go to bed. Larry suddenly felt drowsy. He probably couldn’t make it through another round of his hentai game. Those fantasy anime babes might be heartbroken but they would have to wait. Larry didn’t mind though, he had his custom MLP fleshlight on his nightstand. He removed the pizza boxes from his bed and crawled under the covers.
The sound of his subsequent activities would be concealed from his mother by the steady humming of his PC and mining rigs. Just a few hundred more Bitcoins, and he would be able to move to Russia and start his own business. More importantly, he’d settle down with a dream woman who rejected feminism and who would cook and clean up after him in between bouts of sex. He could see it all. That biased American jerkoff in Moscow could never take that away, never shatter his world. Larry knew Russia better than him. He had shown him. Everything was right with the world. Larry reached toward his nightstand.