What if everything was like Russia?

Recently I’ve been writing at length about what it’s like when you write about Russia(Part I, Part II). While on the way home from work today, I began to think about what it would be like if every news topic were discussed and treated the same way people treat stories about Russia. I decided to simulate exactly what that would look like. What follows is a short series of articles, each with a simulated comment from a hypothetical person who applies the same logic as the real people you see discussing Russia. Strap yourself in and enjoy.  

Lions kill safaris employee (From Zimbabwe Broadcasting Corporation)  

An employee with Somabula Safaris was attacked and killed by three lions on Friday while docking the company house boat in Matusadonha.

In a statement, Zimbabwe Parks and Wildlife Management Authority board chairman Alvin Ncube said soon after the incident, the Matusadonha field station deployed some rangers who killed two of the lions while the third one is currently being tracked down.

Five people have been killed while 12 others have been injured by lions country wide this year alone.

Meanwhile, the department is appealing to members of the public to report the presence of dangerous wild animals in their areas.

COMMENTS:

Oh sure! America-loving Zimbabwean liberals are at it again! Playing up the lion deaths in their country to discredit Mugabe. Everyone knows that living standards in Zimbabwe have risen under Mugabe, particularly in recent times. This is nothing but another example of the information war against Zimbabwe being waged by America and the West. But it’s not fooling anyone. They’re getting desperate because their degenerate societies are falling apart just like their economies, while Zimbabwe is rising! And the US has no right to criticize Zimbabwe on animal attacks. Just look at this story about a tiger attack in San Francisco(http://abc7news.com/archive/8931297/)! What a bunch of hypocrites!  

 

Beijing Travel Guide

Being capital of the People’s Republic of China, it is the nation’s political, economic, cultural, educational and international trade and communication center. Located in northern China, close to the port city of Tianjin and partially surrounded by Hebei Province, it also serves as the most important transportation hub and port of entry.

As one of the six ancient cities in China, it has been the heart and soul of politics and society throughout its long history and consequently there is an unparalleled wealth of discovery to delight and intrigue travelers as they explore the city’s ancient past and exciting modern development. Now it has become one of the most popular tourist destinations in the world, with about 140 million Chinese tourists and 4.4 million international visitors in a year.

COMMENTS: 

Of COURSE this page says nothing about China’s flagrant human rights violations, nor does it even mention the BRUTAL INVASION AND OCCUPATION OF TIBET! It’s probably run by the government as a propaganda outlet. FREE TIBET!  

 

Chef John’s Blueberry Muffins

“I decided to push the envelope and toss in 2 cups of blueberries!” -Chef John

1 cup white sugar
1/2 cup butter, softened
2 large eggs
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup milk
1 tablespoon grated lemon zest
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon salt
2 cups fresh blueberries

COMMENTS

This is such bullshit propaganda! What if we don’t want your American muffins?  Maybe some people prefer their traditional scones. Better yet, maybe some people would rather avoid all those refined carbs and sugar. Enjoy your diabetes, you CIA shill! 

 

 

 

 

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