Introducing Putin-no-jitsu: A Revolution in Self-Defense!

It is well known that Russian President Vladimir Putin is an accomplished master of Judo. But what the public doesn’t know is that just as Jigoro Kano, the founder of Judo, developed his own martial art by adapting the techniques of traditional Jujitsu, President Putin has drawn on his own wealth of martial arts knowledge and distilled the deadliest techniques to create the most frighteningly lethal arts the world has ever seen. Consider yourself fortunate, that you may now count yourself among the first to witness the new revolutionary self-defense martial arts system known as Putin-no-jitsu, or Putin’s art.

"Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees is now playing in your head.

“Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees is now playing in your head.

Legend has it the inspiration for Win Chun Kung Fu came from a nun watching a fight between a snake and a crane. Though not nearly as old, Putin-no-jitsu also takes its inspiration from Putin’s personal observation of the world. It began in 2012 with the passing of the Magnitsky Act. In response, Russia struck back- at its own children. With that simple political act that condemned thousands of Russian children, including those with disabilities, to the horrors of the orphanage system, the spark that would develop into Putin-no-jitsu was ignited. Perhaps the key to defeating one’s opponent lie not in attacking them, but in attacking oneself. The master and founder of Putin-no-jitsu refined this art since 2012 and waited for the appropriate time to reveal his work to the world. That moment came with the recent Western sanctions against Russia. Taking a page from his own martial art, the president demonstrated the philosophy behind Putin-no-jitsu by striking back with a ban on food imports from those countries which had hit Russia with targeted sanctions. Truly this was the perfect time to reveal this new revolution in martial arts and usher in a new area of self-defense. But how exactly does Putin-no-jitsu work?

In Judo there is a set of techniques which are called “sutemi waza” or “sacrifice throws.” They often require the thrower to drop toward the ground first, typically using their own weight and momentum to throw the opponent. Tomoe nage, a very popular example of such techniques, works by dropping to the ground and using the leg to launch one’s opponent head over heels. But Putin-no-jitsu takes sacrifice techniques to a whole new level.

Tomoe nage.

Tomoe nage.

Take for example Putin-no-jitsu’s “modified shoulder throw,” derived from one of Judo’s most famous techniques. Master Putin identified two major flaws in this classic move, the first being that if you’re not in the dojo, your opponent might not be wearing appropriate clothing for you to grip, the second major flaw being that you had to come into close contact with your opponent and actually touch them. Putin-no-jitsu modifies this technique to eliminate those very flaws. Here’s how it works.

1. Stand square with your opponent at a distance of at least two meters.

2. Spin around and throw yourself on the ground.

3. Begin flopping about, waving your arms and kicking your legs furiously while you repeatedly scream at your opponent, warning them that anything they do to you will hurt them just as much if not more.

This technique works just as well on the street as it does in the dojo. How does Putin-no-jitsu hold up as a self-defense oriented, reality-based martial art? Just take a look at this preview of lethal techniques and we guarantee you will become a believer in the awesome lethality of Putin-no-jitsu!

Say you’re walking down the street with your girlfriend and a couple of knife-wielding thugs step across your path and demand all your valuables. That’s too much for an ordinary martial art, but for Putin-no-jitsu it’s nothing but a warm-up. Put up your hands as though you’re trying to calm your attackers down. As you do so, make sure your feet are should-width apart, evenly balanced, with the weight evenly distributed. Now drop the hand closest to your girlfriend and with the other hand, punch her as hard as you can in the side of her head, preferably the jaw. When she goes down, give her a few kicks to the ribs as well. Rest assured those two punks never expected that. When they witness the irresistible power of Putin-no-jitsu in action, they will flee in terror, regretting that they chose a life of crime instead of staying in school and becoming productive citizens.

Perhaps one day you’re having a picnic with you wife, son, and daughter, and a whole gang of belligerent drunk men come over and start trouble. What, there’s four of them? No problem! Give your daughter a good front kick to her chest, that alone will make those thugs reconsider their ill-conceived decision to mess with your family. Of course it’s too late for them. As soon as you recover from the front kick, throw a roundhouse at your son, aiming for the head, floating rib, or thigh. Once he is neutralized, apply a rear naked choke to your wife and hold it until she loses consciousness. Now that they are all down, start kicking your food and personal belongings in all directions while screaming, “I don’t need this! I don’t need any of this! There will be consequences! You’ll see!” If only those drunken fools had known they were messing with a deadly practitioner of Putin-no-jitsu. No amount of booze will ever help them forget this bloody day of retribution. We guarantee it.

The diverse arsenal of Putin-no-jitsu techniques is vast indeed. There are techniques for damaging your own car, destroying your lap top or smartphone, and punting your pets off of your balcony. One extreme technique involves breaking a chair over the back of an elderly relative. Every move has been specifically, thoroughly refined so as to deliver maximum shock to your assailant and thus maximum lethality.

How far are you willing to go to show how much you cherish you loved ones? Are you man enough to enter the discipline of Putin-no-jitsu? If you think so, ask your mom for 5000 rubles and step into the dojo. Prepare to become an indomitable warrior and fear no man, blogger, or talentless punk rock performance art group.

Putin-no-jitsu:  Start hitting yourself!


1 thought on “Introducing Putin-no-jitsu: A Revolution in Self-Defense!

  1. Pingback: More Putin-no-Jitsu | Russia Without BS

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