MOSCOW- In a recent press conference, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced that Russia will forthwith cut off all exports of self-righteous, hypocritical lectures. The full list is said to cover such subjects as “speeches about how the West has turned its back on traditional Christian morals and is on the path to destruction,” “self-serving speeches about Russia’s spiritual values and its historical mission,” and projections that “the West is doomed to collapse soon due to its tolerance and lack of traditional values.”
“It’s none of my concern as to where they get their self-righteous, hypocritical lectures from,” the president was quoted as saying when asked what this would mean for the nations targeted by the embargo. “Maybe Iran will have pity on them and pick up the slack. I frankly do not care.”
Foreign policy experts predict worse is to come as the open-ended presidential order leaves room for expansion in the future. Richard Bennett, head of the Passive-Aggressive Russian Rhetoric department of Columbia University, explained why this could mean trouble on the horizon.
According to Bennett, “Putin has the ability to expand these measures at his own discretion at any time. This means that we could see more items added to the ban list. In that case the West might face a total loss of inaccurate comparisons, chest-beating tirades about how Russia has “risen from her knees,” and public oaths to defend Russian soil from a potential NATO invasion made by teenagers whose parents bought their way out of the army.” Bennett’s calculations about the impact of further additions to the ban list were even more grim. “Some nations might find that their entire source of rants about same sex marriage and gay parades will dry up overnight. This could lead to hoarding and black market activity, not to mention the total ruin of firms whose entire business model relied on importing those products.”
Bennett went on to explain that absent this flow of embarrassing, impotent rage, both the US and EU might have to “go shopping” for new sources of utterly ineffective, passive-aggressive hostility. Immediate reactions pointed toward China, but when asked about the matter, Chinese president Xi Jinping gave a categorically negative answer.
“China will never replace Russia’s role as an exporter of hypocritical rants and passive-aggressive angst to the West,” the Chinese leader told reporters during an interview which happened to coincide with Putin’s recent announcement. “Here in China we are far too busy with trivial matters such as improving our economy, building our infrastructure, and raising people out of poverty by the millions. We cannot possibly take up Russia’s mantle in that sphere.”
Responses from US president Obama and EU leaders have been sporadic at best, but the White House did issue a statement assuring American citizens that if need be the United States has virtually “limitless reserves” of hypocrisy and self-righteousness. In the event that it becomes necessary to rely on those reserves, federal agencies have announced outreach programs to the nation’s Tea Party organizations and fundamentalist Christian churches, aimed at consolidating and stockpiling their hypocritical, self-righteous diatribes in order to offset any losses caused by the Russian ban.