The Voice of North America – Russian-backed coup averted!

Welcome to The Voice of North America, your source for North Americanist news.  Today, more than 100 protesters were arrested at a demonstration outside McDonald’s HQ in Illinois.  Good sources of information suggest that the protesters were actually paid by the Russian Foreign Ministry, in an attempt to overthrow and destroy an important spiritual icon of America and then, presumably, the government itself.  Luckily, rapid reaction by the local police put down the protest and managed to parry this insidious threat to America’s burger supply.

If the Russians manage to overthrow Obama, whatever puppet they install will give away all our burgers to Russia.

If the Russians manage to overthrow Obama, whatever puppet they install will give away all our burgers to Russia.

McDonald’s, as every normal, healthy person knows, is an American symbol, an icon of our national idea. Eating Big Macs and Quarter Pounders is an American tradition, one which must be preserved at all costs.  Of course there are those who claim that McDonald’s food is unhealthy, and they are constantly trying to shove their propaganda down our throats. They even have the nerve to claim that not eating McDonald’s food is completely normal! President Obama, in his infinite wisdom as the father of our people, has thus far done nothing to suppress these propagandists, possibly in the pay of the Russian and European governments, but if he did we would certainly approve. In fact I’m sure most Americans would approve.

An American Hero - Respect tradition. Respect the clown.

An American Hero – Respect tradition. Respect the clown.

Some(Russians and their supporters) might say that arresting the protesters violated their Constitutional right to free speech and free assembly, but I would remind them that such rights did not exist in the Soviet Union, nor did they exist in Nazi Germany or the Ottoman Empire. Try having a little protest for better conditions in the Ottoman Empire and you’d learn to appreciate American freedom.  Also I don’t see any protests like this in North Korea, do you?

The protesters traitors, again obviously paid by the Russian government, are demanding a 15 dollar an hour wage. Clearly they are lazy and don’t want to work.  These are socialist ideas, imported by Russia after 1917.  Anti-American critics say that these companies don’t pay a living wage, but what do they expect? Should they get their own yachts too? These protesters really just want to move to Russia, where they think that everyone makes minimum $100,000 a year and owns a mansion.

“Living wages” are just another attempt to infiltrate American society with Russian and foreign ideas. The Russians simply can’t understand the deep, spiritual connection Americans have with their burgers.  As the North Americanist philosopher Thomas Franklin wrote:

All peoples have their own national spirit, a national soul, if you will. The American national soul is encapsulated by the burger. The Russians can never understand this. They have a totally different mentality. They can imagine life without burgers and simply do not understand why we need them. They want the whole world to be the same, detached from any spiritual connection with burgers.  But we Americans resist this, and even the entire world if need be. We will not let people rob us of our spiritual roots, our spiritual burgers. And that is why it is right to imprison vegetarians.  

Around the world, many nations criticize McDonald’s and reject our burgers, even though they have access to them. Some say these nations are healthier than America. Anti-American journalists, paid by the Russian government, claim we have a problem with obesity and even childhood obesity. If this is true, why can we find photographs of fat Europeans, Russians, and even Chinese people?  And so what if we are obese? Must all the world be thin? If need be we will eat nothing but burgers and grow to 300 or 400 pounds if we must, because eating burgers is America’s national soul and our historic mission as a nation.

See? There are fat people in Russia too! There are fat people everywhere! America doesn't have a problem with obesity. This is just Russian, anti-American propaganda.

See? There are fat people in Russia too! There are fat people everywhere! America doesn’t have a problem with obesity. This is just Russian, anti-American propaganda.

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