How 2 Ukraine: A Guide For Morons

STEP 1:  Pick a side. Go 100% all-in for one side or the other. You don’t need even need to have any Russian or Ukrainian descent. You don’t even need to have visited either country. All that matters is your side, which is 100% right.  Any criticism of your side should be taken as propaganda from the other side.  There are only two sides.  You can choose pro-Maidan, which means Ukrainian = whatever the fuck Svoboda says Ukrainian means, as they are experts on all things Ukrainian. Or you can choose Team Russia, which means that you support Vladimir Putin and every aspect of his government.  There is nothing in between.

STEP 2: You are not fascist, your opponents are fascists. Okay well maybe some people on your side look like fascists, especially when they throw up Roman salutes, but they’re on your team so they aren’t really fascists. They’re just patriots!  See examples below:

Nope. No fascists in Ukraine. It's all just Russian propaganda!

Nope. No fascists in Ukraine. It’s all just Russian propaganda!

Nope. No fascists in Ukraine at all!

Nope. No fascists in Ukraine at all!

They're not fascists! They're just Ukrainian patriots!

They’re not fascists! They’re just Ukrainian patriots!

Maidan is just about European values! It's totally diverse and tolerant! Some of the people involved in Maidan were of different nationalities! Did you know "maidan" is an Arabic word?! So diverse!

Maidan is just about European values! It’s totally diverse and tolerant! Some of the people involved in Maidan were of different nationalities! Did you know “maidan” is an Arabic word?! So diverse!

"Tatars get out of the Crimea", reads this graffiti obviously written by Russian anti-fascists!

“Tatars get out of the Crimea”, reads this graffiti obviously written by Russian anti-fascists!

Not fascists, just good Russian patriots.

Not fascists, just good Russian patriots.

Streets of Moscow. Authorized march, probably on 4 November.  This is what it looks like when your country defeats fascism, apparently.  But of course they're not fascists, they're just patriots.

Streets of Moscow. Authorized march, probably on 4 November. This is what it looks like when your country defeats fascism, apparently. But of course they’re not fascists, they’re just patriots.

STEP 3: Your side represents “the people.”  Your government is legitimate, the other protesters are law-breakers.  Your side is home-grown, the other side is totally puppets of a foreign regime.  Since you’re obviously a moron, follow this guide:

Team Russia: Maidan protesters are entirely controlled by the US government and “Gayropa.”

Team Maidan: Anti-Kyiv protesters are really Russian spetsnaz in disguise.

Additional tips:

-Remember to accuse your opponents of working for:  The US State Department(Team Russia), or Vladimir Putin(Team Maidan).

-If you’re a Maidan supporter, tell a bunch of really dramatic anecdotes without providing any evidence that they happened.  Attribute it to “friends” you know in Kyiv.  Everybody seems to have a friend who not only witnessed people being gunned down by police, but in a very dramatic way.

-If you’re on Team Russia’s side, post 30-second clips of men walking around with guns and say that these are “Blackwater mercenaries.”  All that incredibly clear footage of BTRs(Russian armored personnel carriers) and soldiers wearing the latest Russian army regalia in the Crimea are fake though.  There were no Russian troops in the Crimea outside of the airport and the base at Sevastopol.  If there were Russian troops there, it was only to defend the people from impending genocide, but they weren’t there.  Of course it doesn’t matter because they had a right to be there, but they weren’t.

-For team Maidan supporters, remember that any mention of the far right in the Maidan movement or the new government is proof positive that your opponent is a die-hard supporter of Putin and Russian imperialism.  Remember the important maxim in Russian-Ukrainian politics, that the presence of fascists in the opposing country negates the existence of fascists in one’s own country.  If confronted with enough evidence, admit only to the existence of Praviy Sektor, which you should claim is a small, non-influential group. By no means should you mention the Svoboda party.

-Another tip for Maidan supporters. You will often encounter Westerners who know nothing about Ukrainian history and don’t speak the language. This means you can tell them about how the UPA and Stepan Bandera actually fought the Nazis and rescued Jews, and you can easily direct them to pro-nationalist sites without them knowing the truth.

-Team Russia fans, remember to parrot the Russian government’s demands that the world recognize their referendum in the Crimea and that Ukraine should be a loose federalized state. Don’t pay any attention to the fact that the Russian government clearly doesn’t adhere to such policies in Russia. Nobody would dare try to organize a referendum for independence anywhere in Russia.  Remember this is totally okay because Kosovo!

 

 

 

One thought on “How 2 Ukraine: A Guide For Morons

  1. Pingback: The Double Standards of Patriotism | itsbosh

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